Chapter 2: Threats and Demands
FALLOUT: EQUESTRIA
RAZOR'S EDGE
by Shukin
Chapter 2: Threats and Demands
I was greeted with a smile and a kiss on the cheek when I entered Raspberry's Cake shack, only that it was swearing and a kick in the gut. I cringed through my beak while gasping for air, trying to recompose myself after such sudden attack.
"I think I told you to get the fuck out of he-"
"Don't do this, you stupid ghoul," I heard her hoofsteps approaching fast, "he's injured!" She reached for me, the poor griffin in fetal position at his side on the ground. "Are you alright?" At least she looked worried. Still, I didn't think it was because they just closed my wounds, as if it were me, I'd be preocupied with the lost resources saving someone just to start again.
I uttered under my breath, "I'm fine, just need some time to breathe," with agony in my voice.
I think she got that, as she turned aggressively to the ghoul in the same breath, "Didn't Mittens tell you that he's our guest?! An injured one at that?!" She punctuated her words with pokes in his chest, his face changing from a serious frown to a relaxed grin.
"Y'know I can't take a mothefuckin' earth pony called Mittens seriously." He gave a quick chuckle and cleaned his throat, "Besides, y'know I'm not coming for hugs and kittens, it's some bad news and I ought to tell it quick."
"What is it, anyway? The balefire bombs are returning? The world is reforming? The sky opened and death is raining on us? There's a group of raiders wanting to kill us?" She didn't even wait to utter the next thing on the list, pointedly angry with the ghoul's attitude.
"The latter," I finally was good enough to get up with a little help of Raspberry Cake, enough to look back at the ghoul and see his broken teeth through his stupid grin. "and they're coming fast."
That got her by surprise, as suddenly my help ceased and I nearly got back to the ground face first. I huffed an ironic thanks, but I didn't think she listened. She went to the door and looked outside, as if trying to see beyond the metal gates of the village. I wasn't ready to face any kind of raiders, for the goddesses' sake. I've lost weapons, equipment... The only thing I had was, while I looked back into the footlocker, a six-round .44 rusty revolver with burnt wood grip, and ten bullets, six of them already loaded and four spread in the footlocker's bottom.
"Oooh, that's not good," she remarked. I coughed. "So, what do they want this time?"
The ghoul got a cigar from a pocket in his foreleg and was trying to lit it up with a hoof igniter, "They want that filly, Sparkly Beam, and they want her as fast as possible." Was this how the settlement got so small, being bullied by a bunch of raiders until nearly everyone just surrendered and joined them? That was a little harsh, but better than the alternative of starving to death.
"Please tell me you didn't tell her anything," she pleaded to him. I fastened the revolver's holster under my hurt wing, nopony would try to find something in there. "She's too courageous, and you know she would go to help us."
"You've got to be pretty stupid to do this, though," I added.
"Sometimes you've got to do stupid things to help ponies in need," she answered.
I took a heavy breath. "Nearly everypony else doesn't care about anypony other than themselves, you're a kind exception, Raspberry."
She shuddered and went back to talking to Stunner. "Didn't you try to negotiate or something? We could give them medicine, or food, or-"
"I'm not Celestia to make such a miracle, lady." He finally lighted up his cigar and bit it in a vacant space where a teeth should be. He took a breath and blew the resulting smoke through the hole in his jaw, the one with the antler. "It would take somepony with a silver tongue and guts to negotiate with them, and I nearly don't have a tongue to begin with."
I smiled defiantly. "Name's Rufus Silvertongue, travelling weapons merchant. I can take care of it." No, I didn't think so, but years of bullshitting ponies always paid off when telling a white lie. "You've never been deceived if you've never negotiated with a griffin."
"So, the little fruity bird not only is hurt and crying like a foal, but can't even hold himself into a fight? You've got to be kidding me." Stunner was clearly disappointed with the news that I was a merchant. I kept smiling, though.
"Didn't you hear me? I'm a traveller. Throw me anything and I can handle it, with my tongue or my skills." Wait, that came out wrong. I think they both got the accidental innuendo, as childish giggles were heard from them.
"I'm sure you can handle it, cowboy. Why don't you go there and offer them your services?" Another puff of smoke, this time in my direction. I coughed a little, hating every second beside that ghoul. Was Raspberry Cake the only decent mare in this whole village?
"You know what, I will," I said, walking to the door. They both kept giggling before Raspberry Cake went from joyous to worried in a split second.
"Wait, you're serious?" She hurried to me, blocking my way with her hoof. "You can't go there alone, you'll be eaten alive!"
"And they sure love some fried bird-"
"Stunner will accompany you," she added cleverly.
"What?!" He were clearly offended with that, choking up the smoke. "You're telling me to jump into the fire with this parakeet?" And that offended me!
"Hey! Watch it!" I rebuked him, but he paid no attention to it.
"You're the only one who can guide himself through the carcasses on hooves." she explained. Well, that was a good reason.
"And now he can't even fucking fly? A bird without fucking wings, what good would he be?" He talked like I wasn't directly at his side.
Well, they could argue as much as they wanted, I needed a decent weapon if I were to throw myself into the middle of a bunch of raiders. I didn't need to go much away from the door to find a piece of scrap metal lying on the metallic floor. It was a completely flat piece, good enough for what I wanted to do, but still too flat for me to comfortably use. I made my way in the direction to where the trio of foal were pushing carriages, just to find a makeshift bridge made of a carriage itself, totaled from what it looked like it was simply dropped in the ground. Carefully, I crossed it and kept going.
I walked through a small corridor, leading into a twisted doorway, the pounding of metal echoing on the walls. I was sure they were in there, with that talk about making a fort, or something. I wasn't wrong, on the other side of a large hall, probably an old cargo hold, were the three ponies, nailing together containers. I knew I'd find what I wanted in their hooves. "Hey," I screamed, trying to get their attention, "got any unicorn hammers here?" Unicorns usually didn't used their hooves to nail things, like earth ponies and pegasi have to with steel boots, and their hammers were much more appropriate for griffin talons than a hoof-based one.
Sparkly Beam uttered something to the other two ponies, probably some kind of order, and trotted in my direction. I waited patiently for her to come close, crossing the big hall between us. "You said something, griffin?" She turned her ear at me, trying to understand me through the constant pounding.
"I asked! If! You! Have! A! Unicorn! Hammer!" Every word of mine was interrupted by the sound of both colts nailing the containers, but it looked like she understood what I said this time.
"Sure, come with me!" She lead the way, coming back through the same twisted doorway I came through.
I followed her to the dormitories' corridor, and she entered the second door, labeled 'Workshop'. Inside, there were many tools that I could use and, as it looked like, they used to mold the bone yard to their liking and needs. "You can find them nailed to the back wall!" she said happily, pointing me to the hammers to the right of saws, a sledgehammer and even a electric drill.
"Thanks, Sparkly Beam... is that right?" She positively beamed when I said her name. I didn't think she found it strange for me to know her even though we've never been introduced to each other.
"Y-you're welcome! I'vegotsomethingtodobye!" And she darted from the workshop, leaving me alone with a hammer in my right talon.
I approached the workbench and locked the piece of scrap metal on its vise, giving it a good swing or two with the hammer. About ten minutes went by with me hammering the piece of scrap metal, now looking like something I'd use, curved in its center, enough for me to firmly grasp it in my left hand. Happy with my work, I leave the workshop and start the second search for a piece of scrap.
"There you are, fruity bird." Stunner's raspy voice came from above, as he crossed the shack's door. It looks like they've finished discussing a few moments before and now the ghoul was searching for me. "I thought you would be crying in some corner somewhere, begging for whatever that thing you call your mommy."
"Ha ha ha very funny, smoothskin," I called him back, actually surprising the centuries old ghoul. That is a rare way of offending a ghoul. "let's just go already."
He chuckled and quickly went down the slope, walking in front of me. In the middle of the second slope - the one leading to the gate - I got a small piece of scrap metal that was scattered on the ground and put it in between my neck feathers. We got the gate working, the ghoul misteriously stopping in his tracks after it opened. I waited a little.
"What's wrong, piece of meat?" He was so focused in whatever he was doing that he didn't react to the offense. I tried to focus too, following his working eyesight to find his focus. I couldn't see anything wrong with-
"Aha! There's the goddessesdamned problem!" He blurted, making his way to the pile of crates on the inside. From there, he jumped with the wall's help and bit a metal ring in the tip of a steel cord that ran over the wall.
That startled me for more than a second, getting me out of focus instantly and accelerating my breath for a moment. Everything was fine, I didn't need to be so focused into something so trivial. The ghoul past the metal ring through the switch that activated the turbine to open the gate and trotted in my direction.
"See, that's why I got fucking locked out there. Some bastard took the goddessesdamned ring from the fucking lever." He declared proudly, turning around and continued walking. I just shrugged and followed him.
It was quite a walk actually, we went through at least three other ships and more carcasses than I've ever seen, always looking behind me to where I was stepping. The whole place felt like a trap, and that was probably the idea: Somewhere that looks unsecure is not inviting, and it probably stopped many raider attacks earlier. I sped my steps to approach the old ghoul, standing by his side. "So, Raspberry Cake said that they did have outside communication... Was that you?"
"Damn right it's me. I know these parts long before any of those assholes came here searching for their own wasteland paradise, a 'natural' fortress to claim to themselves. I'm the original owner, and nopony's got a say about it." He was really proud of that, with the way he said it.
"What's your story, anyway?" Maybe he worked here before the bombs? Plus, I still needed to ask about that antler in his jaw, it was driving me crazy.
"Why should I fucking tell you?" And yet, he was right, it wasn't of my business.
"Because... raiders?" I don't know, any motive is a motive.
He looked pensative for a moment, after we jumped a little chasm between ships. We were actually getting close to the ground now, and I couldn't see the way we came looking above my shoulder, the airplane boneyard was really an impressive maze. "Whatever, sissy."
We finally reached the ground, as dry as everything else in the wasteland. It was funny to feel grass on my paws, even if it was drier than salt, as I was used to flying everywhere. Now that I'm stranded, at least I had these kind of sensations to make me smile. Sure, the smile only lasted for a couple of minutes, as the novelty wore off and I saw black patches on the ground, dry blood.
"We're getting close, look." He nodded with his head, pointing forward. The whole boneyard was located inside a valley, with enough rocks and planes torn apart to bring the village to the hill's level, but we had to climb the whole valley through a grassy hill. We were close to the top of the hill when he told me that, and I sped my steps to reach him again, actually tired of walking in my health state. "There's the goddessesdamned village."
"Wait, I thought it was a raider encampment-" and I interrupted myself, speechless with the view. There were at least a thirty houses - full-blown houses, with foundations and roofs! - forming a barrier that blocked the hill's slope at its base. That's where we're headed, in the middle of that much people. I thought we had to worry for twenty raiders at max, and a whole city of ponies exploded in my face. That wasn't going to be easy at all.
Approaching them was easy, our steps on the hill rolling gently with is smooth inclination. I saw ponies everywhere, from armed guards with spears in their mouths to little foals playing with a dry wheat. Even though it looked like a proper city, their dwellers weren't. There were blood marks everywhere, with crude drawings on the walls and vandalism rampant. There were at least a hundred raiders - and I had to call them that, giving their clothing and culture - in the village.
As we came close of the actual ponies, I could sense hostility from every pair of eyes that looked at us. Even though I was a complete stranger in that middle, they didn't dare attack us, probably because of Stunner. I saw how defiant he walked in there, like if the whole place was his', and it was funny to see how there wasn't that much destruction anywhere in the clearly pre-war village besides the raider's work.
We walked past a butcher slaying and taking apart a whole brahmin, its pieces being arranged over a big makeshift grill in the middle of the city, some twenty or thirty raiders patiently, in their own way, waiting for the next meal. That was the center of the whole village. Everypony was armed, everypony looked like they could kill their mothers if it would bring them their needs. Behind the butcher, in a throne made of- I couldn't finish the last line of thought when I nearly puked with the realization.
"The guy in the pony throne is Bonelord, who knows how he got that name, don't ya think?" Stunner whispered to me. When he didn't got an answer, he looked at me and saw how pale I was with the idea of a fucking throne made of ponies' parts. "Oh, the little baby's going to puke?" He and another raider that was passing by shared a laugh. The ghoul gave me a pat in the back that made pain run through my wounded wing. I think he noticed I didn't like it, but it actually helped me to regain control.
"He's just a hotshot that killed his predecessor. Guy's lucky nopony has balls to take him out," he whispered again, walking towards the grill. As we got closer, the heat got a lot worse than before, making me sweat profusely. Bonelord noticed our approach and stood up. "Ave Bonelord! Aren't you grandious today?!" And that's a hypocrite, if I've ever seen one, talking bad in the back and licking his balls in front of him.
Only when he actually stood up that I noticed how big that guy was. I could see his muscles flexing with each movement under his black fur, and his white mane was braided into three cornrows, probably by one of the mares around him, all unicorns. He smiled when his green eyes found the ghoul's working one, showing his yellow, sharp teeth. "Stunner, the sovereign of the wicked," his voice echoed with a strong scent of whiskey, and I think I know where they knew themselves, "we're in the middle of a celebration! Come, join me in our feast!"
He moved back to his throne, giving me the opportunity to see what was his cutie mark by the small gap in his metal armor, probably made from scrap metal from the planes welded together by the looks of it. It was a broken pony skull, without its jaw and with a crack in its forehead. Charming.
His handmaidens ran as fast as they could inside the building behind his throne, probably their headquarters as it has a open balcony to the plaza, and brought back two chairs, putting one at each side of the bloody throne. He lazily threw himself over it, while we were directed by a cute blue earth pony mare to our seats.
I joined them with distrust, sitting by his left. It really looked like Stunner was known by the raiders, many of them greeting him on the way to the chair. Luckily, it wasn't made of ponies too, but it was too close to the real thing for me to get comfortable. The meat was smelling great, but my appetite was killed earlier.
As the meat was getting done, ponies would fight - sometimes literally - for pieces of it, savoring each bite as it was their last. At least they weren't cannibals.
I pulled the curved plate from under my turtleneck and held it firmly with my left hand, putting the cutter parallel to it, then reached for the piece of scrap metal I got earlier. I needed to start working if something went wrong.
"Tell me the news, my friend. Who is your feathered companion?" Bonelord was quite educated for somepony who was a leader of a raider city. I chipped the piece of metal for the first time against my 'finger'. It would be fast, but not durable, the material was too malleable.
"The featherbrain there is Razor's friend." Stunner said, while trying to choose which piece of meat he would take. After finding a juicy one, not quite ready, he took a bite of it and held it in his hooves deformed by the time. It was funny that he talked like the village was just one pony. "They were not happy with your proposition, y'know."
"How would that be? I'd free them from worry! One less mouth to feed for them, and I'd take care of her as my personal concubine!" He really looked offended with the idea of not having his wish fulfilled. I took another chip, and another. It was quickly turning into a fine blade, but I wouldn't use it for more than one, as it would break. It'll really be my backup plan, in the end.
"I know, right? They can't see an opportunity even when it hits them in their face! That's why he's here, they want him to convince you that they're nopony's." And, just as that, Stunner betrayed me. What about a more friendly way to put it, you bastard?!
"Oh, really?" Bonelord gave me a glance that froze me in my tracks, still with a piece of metal in hands. "It's not time to discuss these matters, my friend and his guest, first we feast, then we talk. Ura!" He raised his left hoof, and every pony in the vicinity made the same gesture, accompanied by the exclamation. I've read about something like that somewhere before, but I couldn't recall from where exactly.
I returned to my own business, refusing with a low 'I'm sorry, I'm not hungry' every time a handmaiden offered me more and more meat. Ponies sang and eat and fight, some painted a huge bull in one of the building's outer wall, with a bucket of what I presumed was blood. I was probably right.
After half an hour of small talk and 'feasting', my curiosity radar sprung up, and I looked at Bonelord. "Erm... Sir Bonelord?" I called, trying to be heard by him.
He answered quickly, "Call me just Bonelord, friend of my friend. What's the matter?"
"Why are you feasting for?"
"Oh, that is a valid question! Our scouts in the north hit some stupid merchant caravan two days ago, and returned with a glorious stockpile of weapons! We finally are enough armed to outrival and to awe the Remnants! This is a day of feasting, for tomorrow will be a day of fighting!" Those who heard again saluted and screamed for the 'glory' of Bonelord.
"And guess what? The featherbrains was part of that caravan! Ha!" There it goes, my cover, flying graciously around the smoke and into the shroud of clouds. Goddesses, Stunner.
"Really? What a pleasant surprise! This weak griffin would not be match for us, at least we won't need to worry ourselves in the case the caravan came to get their weapons back!" He gave a hearty laugh and a strong pat in my back, pressing both the revolver against my ribs, and my wing against the revolver. The pain made me cringe, but I swallowed it quietly.
"Look, they're on my back and I can't take too long. Can we talk now?" Stunner spoke, ten minutes after the last word was uttered. Bonelord nodded and got up, making his way around the throne and into the building I presumed earlier was their headquarters.
Bonelord didn't even open his own doors, as the handmaiden's magic did all the work. We followed him through the big double doors, greeted by a huge fountain in its center, pouring a unending quantity of water from the mouth of some kind of big cat into the clear pool under it. "Welcome to my sanctuary and home, friends. We may discuss your terms in my private quarters." He guided us to a spiral stairway that, by some miracle, he fitted in and we went to the second floor.
It looked like the whole floor was his residence, with two double doors adorned with the same big cat's head on both sides and white walls. Finally he did something with his own hooves, opening the doors for us to go inside. I hesitated a little before doing so. "How do you use so many water for... decoration?!" I questioned him, shocked with that many fountains in the same place. There was some huge bathtub in the center, every pillar of the four around the room had its own little fountain and, still, every drop was completely clean!
"Beautiful, isn't it? Somehow, this building has a functional water talisman in its basement! You can even drink from the water, it's totally clean. A small miracle that endured the cleansing." He got himself out of his metallic armor and entered the central pool. Both me and Stunner stood out of that. "Make yourselves comfortable."
I sat into some pillows by the side, Stunner preferred the ground.
"You've said something about Remnants, right?" I asked, he nodded positively. "I'm new to these parts, would you care to explain?"
"They're glorious! The biggest group in the southeast coast! They honor ponykind's greatest foe with their traits and manners, magnificent in numbers and renowned in battle!" Every word uttered made him throw a little bit of water out of the magnified bathtub, with exhilarated movements. I could clearly see him, a fully-grown big ass scary earth pony, squealing for them, one of their biggest fans. I giggled.
"Their best warriors adorns themselves with stripes, y'know," I looked at Stunner, he was already smoking his stinking cigar, "keeping the zebra's tradition." So that's why they called themselves remnants.
"They're my inspiration. Since I'm a little foal I always had the dream of walking up to them and taking a place in between their ranks," he sheepishly said, "but I was never selected. Now I'm too old for that, so I'm trying to impress them enough for us to have the permission to raise their banners and fight for them."
"And you killed your predecessor just so you'd have this opportunity?" It felt like I was interviewing him.
"Not exactly," that didn't actually surprise me, but I still made a shocked face, "Deathwish was wicked. The wrong kind of remnant, of war and destruction. His name got quite a prophetic meaning when I thought it was enough." Well, he is more sophisticated and organized than I thought. "I think you came here with a proposition, right?"
I woke up from my thoughts. "Y-yeah. I'm here in behalf of Razor's Edge and its citizens, quite like Stunner here." I heard a protesting mumble, but I ignored it. "And I'm here to tell you that the filly you asked will not come, nor anypony else."
That clearly upset him, hitting the water with his hoof and jumping straight, getting up in his hooves. "What did you say?!" I think the blade was good enough if needed, and that gave me the necessary confidence.
"Exactly what you've heard. Nopony inside that village belongs to you, you don't have the right to demand anything from them." Maybe I was being too harsh? Well, he recognized strength, I'd probably need to show some. I got myself up, sitting on both my hindlegs and keeping my hands where I could use them, blade still in hand. It was easy to pretend I was just fixing my talons, and gave me an air of imposing authority or boredom that was priceless.
He was already on all-fours, walking slowly in my direction. "You come into my house, you eat my food and you will not fulfill my demands?!" It was a pretty aggressive tone, that one. Still, I didn't back up.
"That's exactly what I'm saying. If you want her so badly, go catch her yourself!" And I stared into his eyes. The stare took a lot more time than I thought it would take, both of us without taking a step forward or backward in his own word. When he finally moved himself against me, I felt it was the time to strike.
He rushed in my direction, what made easier to throw the sharpened piece of scrap metal into his chest, above his foreleg. That got him by surprise, but he didn't falter. I used every muscle in my hindlegs that I could think of to jump as high as I could, and gave myself a boost with my wings.
That hurt more than the kick Stunner gave me earlier, but gave me the opportunity to jump over him and to pull the revolver in the same movement. I dropped in his back, locking my hindlegs around his waist and giving him the butt of the one-handed weapon right behind his ear. That made him falter, missing one of the steps and falling to his side, moments after I let go of him.
Again, with a painful wing beat, I regained control of my fall and stomped his face against the marble floor, revolver in hand against his temple. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to walk, it hurt. My wings were burning. Still, I screamed with little voice I had after, "Or we can make a deal!" With blood running through his chest and spilling onto the clean black rock under him, and a griffin pointing a gun that nopony else have seen to his head, he finally heard sense into my words. "I will take the gun back now, okay?"
Little after I stopped pointing the business end of the revolver to his head, he got up and bit my makeshift weapon away from his chest. "You've got spirit, friend. Make your demands," said him, sitting on the pillows I was earlier. I lost some time trying to recompose myself, breathing slower. For some reason, Stunner was completely quiet, cigar in mouth, watching the whole ordeal.
"You're intelligent, and wise. I kind of see that. Still, your motivation is completely messed up: What would you do after the Remnants claim this village? First, they'd take the water talisman for themselves, depriving you of clean water, then they'd use your stallions as dogs, sending those untrained troops to die against their enemies, a literal wall of flesh destined to die." That's what I'd do, but I'm not going to tell him that. "I know how zebras are, okay?" No, I don't.
"You may be right, but what would I do then? Pillaging? We need some way to live, and that's what I'm trying to do! Do you think it's easy to command and protect hundreds of ponies without resorting to violence!"
"You don't need to resort to violence to survive in the wasteland! I'm a merchant, and I'm still alive, ain't I?" Barely, but still. "You need to offer something to them before anypony treats you pacifically."
"And what would we, a bunch of hungry and desperate ponies, would have to offer?!" He raised his voice again, getting more and more desolated. I was cracking him.
"You've got water! Do you have any idea how rare clean water is in this hellhole?!"
"Enough!" he screamed, getting up again and hitting a stone plate on the wall. Suddenly, two handmaidens bursted through the double doors, one of them promptly cleaning the floor of every drop of blood, the other trotting to the other side of the room and picking a first-aid box, complete with the three pink butterflies on its lid. She fished for a healing potion and floated it over his mouth. "Leave, I have much to think about."
Stunner and I got away from his house in a matter of seconds, the old ghoul used to that exact pathway. Ponies were still feasting and eating when we walked away from the small city, following the same hill we used hours ago. Only then, far from everypony else, Stunner finally began to speak.
"Holy cow, didn't think you've got it in you, featherbrain!" He giggled, coughed and continued to speak through another cigar. "I'm sure he'd serve your own feathered ass to you if he fought back, but you did more than half the ponies I know. Hell, half the ponies I know are dead!"
"I hate to admit, but you're right. I don't even know how he fell for that, but I'm glad he did," my beak was pretty fine in its actual place, thanks, "and he looked pretty shocked with how the whole 'conversation' ended like. Maybe he's going to see reason."
"Maybe? I told you he's just big, that guy will eat from your hoof the next time you meet with him! He's too young to be ruthless enough for the position."
"He still used a throne made of ponies. I can't see that as 'not ruthless enough'."
"That's not his," he said between puffs of smoke.
"No?"
"Deathwish's. Got what he deserved, the bastard. My jaw? The motherfucker thought he could intimidate me. Thought wrong, bitch."
The rest of the trip back was pretty quiet, and it looked like it would rain, so we walked faster back to the settlement. I think I'll visit Raspberry Cake again.
Footnote: Level Up!
Perk: Sharp Reflexes (Level 1)
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hmm, a solid chapter, lets see what happens...
wow, raiders who can sort of be negotiated with? that's rare...
the wording in this chapter is generally pretty awkward, but that can be chalked up to you learning english
this should be 'on' not 'in'
same problem as above.
small grammar error, you mean 'her', as that's the object form of 'she' (subjects are 'he', 'she', 'it', and 'they', objects are 'him', 'her', 'it', and 'them', if I recall correctly)
think you forgot to capitalize the 's'
if I recall, a antler is made of bone, so saying that's rather redundant, you could probably just say "antler." and drop the bone all together
another small grammar error, remember that the adjective (in this case, 'weapons', because it's describing what kind of merchant he is) usually right before (or sometimes afterwards the noun it's describing) so it would be "travelling weapons merchant"
(here's a good article on how adjectives work: Adjectives and noun modifiers in English, it is rather technical/jargon-y though, because it was meant for providing help for those teaching english)
not quite the right word to use, given it means 'but', 'except', and 'except for', you could use 'beside' instead, but I can't think a better wording right now
again, not quite the right word to use, I think you meant 'rebuked'
I think you're missing a 'good' before 'enough'
I think you're missing a 'the' before 'direction'
you could probably add in 'of foals' after 'trio', just as a quick reminder of who we're talking about, given that it was a chapter since they were mentioned, but that's up to you
I think you may want to add an 'in' before 'there', depending if the area you're talking about is an interior area
'in' needs to become 'on', also 'big' is probably the wrong adjective to use here, I believe the correct one is 'large' though (here's a short little lesson/exercise on the topic: Big or Large?, the whole site is user generated content, so the quality of the lessons varies a lot)
drop the 'a' and change the 'the' to 'a'
you could drop 'uttered' for 'said', but that's entirely up to you, because they mean the same thing, you just don't see 'uttered' very often
as I said above, you mean 'her', as that's the object form of 'she'
you could drop the 'al' in 'electrical' to make it just 'electric', which would also work just as well
I do believe the correct term for the front flexible, hand-like, claws on a griffin is 'talons', because they are part birds-of-prey (a.k.a. hawk, eagle, falcon etc.)
into what?
pretty sure 'got' should be 'went' and 'forward' should be 'front'
'directing' should be 'leading'
'on' should be 'in' and 'track' should be 'tracks'
don't think you need the 'of' in there
you could possibly split this into two sentences replacing the comma with a question mark then adding 'Plus,' instead of the 'and', also you have the same problem as above with 'antler's bone' being redundant
I think you mean 'business', because Rufus is interested in it
I think you meant 'flying'
'bone yard' is supposed to be one word
I don't think you need the comma there, though I could be wrong
'the' should be 'his'
you need an 'ed' at the end of 'braid' as it's past tense
this should probably be rephrased to say 'probably made from scrap metal from the planes welded together'
who's talking here? Bonelord or Stunner? I'm pretty sure it's Stunner, but it's better to be clear then possibly have confusion among your readers (unless that what you want)
could be rephrased to say 'One less mouth to feed', which works better, at least in my opinion
'will' should be 'would'
'by' should be 'in'
this sentence should be rephrased to say 'We are finally armed enough to outstand(?) and awe the Remnants!' (I don't know what you mean by outstand, as it isn't even a word, do you mean outgun, or overpower? because those a few words which seem to make sense in context for me)
'does' should be 'did'
'abysmal' works as an adjective, but, at least in my opinion, you could use a different one, as abysmal has 'Extremely bad' or 'appalling' as it's first definition and 'very deep' as it's second, so perhaps 'unending' would be a better adjective
not sure if you know this or not, but there is already a Remnant that already exists in the wasteland, it's just not part of the original FO:E, it's a part of Project Horizons, a major FO:E side story, and it's the actual remnant of the Zebriacan military, and I've seen several other FO:E fics use it to soem degree, so some readers might be confused, though you clearly introduce your's as a completely separate faction, I'd recommend either renaming your faction, or some how integrating the "real" remnant into your fic, though all this is up to you, it is your story after all
'strenght' is misspelled, it should be spelled 'strength' (I think that's the first misspelled word that I've found in the entire story so far)
'of' should be 'in'
drop the 'ly' as it's not being used an adverb
'at' should be 'to'
drop the 'to them' as it's unnecessary
'to' should be 'for'
last time I checked, there weren't any humans in FO:E so using human terms is completely out of place, try coming up with either a pony term (ponies, mares, stallions) or a somewhat neutral term (like tribesponies or members)
this wording is really awkward, but it's too late for me to come up with a solution, watch this space in case I figure out something
um, don't you mean 'violence' instead of 'peace'?
small grammar error, it's supposed to be "Stunner and I", just a weird quirk of english, here's a hint, it's 'Blank and I' if they are doing the action and 'me and Blank' if the action is being done to them ('I' is the subject, 'me' is the object (I think I have that correct))
this could be re-phrased to say: 'Stunner finally began to speak'
'fighted' should be 'fought' as 'fighted' isn't even a real word, and 'fought' is the correct past tense of 'fight'
not sure what you mean here...
do you mean 'half' or is this an intentional bad spelling?
not quite sure why this is in there/phrased like it is, but it is late
hope that helps!
couple of last points, you don't have to put all of Rufus's S.P.E.C.I.A.L. values and skills at the end of every chapter, most authors just put perks at the end of every chapter when the character(s) 'level up', and only post the S.P.E.C.I.A.L. values at the beginning of the story, as sometimes tagged skills could reveal some aspects of the character before they want to reveal them
also, if you ever want me to justify an edit, I can/will, it'll just take a some time to find a good source
1940883 Again, thank you for correcting me. You don't have idea how much this means to me, and how much this helps.
I've corrected every point you highlighted and reworded some of the more confusing things. About the Remnants, I'm not a big fan of PH and how Somber treats his own characters, but I've read long after they're introduced, and it's deliberate. Following PH, they're only active around Hoofington, and they're specialists at not leaving trails when they do act.
Hoofington too is, from a commercial standpoint, stranded: Close to the zebra's borders, with nearly any incentive to go to. News aren't that fast by mouth-to-mouth spanning a whole continent, and Razor's Edge is near the southeast coast, pretty far from there.
If you want to compare, compare the Brotherhood of Steel's east and west factions: Both have the same ideals, though different modus operandi. Hoofington's Remnants are extremist, still fighting the war; Razor's Edge Remnants' line of thought is closer to the Enclave Remnants of FO:NV, rebuild themselves to their old glory through new ways.
And it's funny how this chapter had a lot more mistakes than both the prologue and first chapter combined. That's exactly why I thank you, because many (if not all of them) would go unnoticed for a long time if it wasn't your critiques.
You my good sir have just earned yourself a spot on my read later list, and are going to be moved over to my review list when I have read some more of the stories that already are on it, so that could be between 3 to 5 weeks as things looks like now... Sorry but news are news none the less.
What made me chose to add it to my list? Because I read in the group that it is about a whole town, and I plan to write something in the neighborood of that at some point
1941586 you're welcome
okay, so yes, your Remnants are a deliberate counter point to Somber's, well that clears that point up...
sadly, comparing stuff to the Fallout games, doesn't really work with me, because I went in reverse order, I read Fallout: Equestria before I played any of the fallout games, and sadly I can't play Fallout 3 or NV because I don't have a machine good enough to play them, but I get the basics of what you're saying
well, you did write this chapter in under a day, so that could be why you made more errors, plus I was focused on the big errors so I didn't nit-pick as much as I could've, which I will correct right now
also it's 'combined' not 'added' in your comment, as added is more for abstract numbers and when you're putting something into already existing, for example 'I added the cookies from the bag to the jar, while combined is where the amounts create a new unified amount, for example 'the clans combined to form a larger army'
prologue:
I would start a new paragraph, as per dialogue rules, because it's switching from Rufus's internal monologue to her speaking for the first time
onto chapter one:
not quite sure what you mean, last time I checked it was mainly posters that were everywhere, also what do you mean by 'strange outdoors'?
'in' should be 'on', the second part should be rephrased to say 'a set of utility barding' (or is it 'a suit of utility barding' in this context?)
'have' should be 'had' because it's past tense
'a' should be 'an' because 'accent' starts with a vowel
this could be changed to 'payed', but I'm not quite sure
'rose' should be 'raised' and 'to' should be 'in'
'into' should just be 'in'
'can't' should be 'couldn't' no matter the tense
human terms in a world which have none
I think you mean 'snaps'
same problem as above
you could replace this entire segment with 'gone'
I think this should be rephrased to say 'drunk on'
'sit' should be 'sitting'
'doesn't' should be 'don't'
'in' should be 'on'
'making' should be 'doing'
'used' should be 'made'
'a' should be 'an'
1942332 Many of those errors happens because I'm still thinking with my first language, and our grammatical rules are quite different, for example, one of my most frequent mistake is about when to use "in" or "on", because they're exactly the same here, in this case, "em", "no" or "na", changing with the object's gender.
Again, I corrected everything highlighted. Thanks for your time, StringTheory!
1942406 yeah, I expected that to be the reason, english has a lot of weird quirks that seem rather pointless, even to us native english speakers
what's your first language, anyway?
1942418 Portuguese. I think its problem resumes to "Too many rules over rules". Seriously, there's a rule for everything, and every rule has a rule that adds something to another rule and everything is confusing as hell. You know something's wrong when you need to classify sentences and you need a book for comparing them with more than thirty individual types.
1942458 hmm, I don't remember learning sentence types, though that's probably because I'm a native speaker, but yeah, english does have a bunch of somewhat pointless rules, like the one which says all the objects in a list must be the type (e.g. 'ski, snowboard, and sled', while 'ski, snowboarding, and sled' doesn't work as snowboarding is a verb and not a noun)