The Mystery of Breakwater Island

by Plumage

~Trying to Untie the Bow.

The Mystery of Breakwater Island
Chapter Four: Trying to Untie the Bow
Told from the journal kept by Ribbonetta Samantha Hearthus
Written by Feather

* * *

"Is this a fashion statement?" I ask the next morning, waving around the ribbon tied elegantly to my hoof. I don't know where it came from or why its here. Maybe its from the guards, like a welcoming present or something?
Sombrero laughs.
I look at her. "How is that funny?" I ask.
She shrugs. "Just is."
"Well." I say, looking down at the yellow ribbon. "I don't like it."
I bend down to take the ribbon off. Sombrero does the same.
"It's really tight," Sombrero says between her teeth.
It is. It must have been made strong with magic!
Unfortunately for the jerkwad who put this thing on me, I manage to undo it easily. My special talent is that one thing. Ribbons. But I've untied knots harder than this amateur's.
Within thirty seconds I've untied the bow and thrown the ugly yellow ribbon to the ground.
"How'd you do that?" Sombrero asks, still pulling at the ends of her intact bow.
"It's easy," I reply. "You just..."
And I undo her bow. I'm quicker this time; I know how to do it now.
"What're you guys doing?" Asks the brick-red stallion who wanted to know whether it was a joke yesterday.
"Leaving, I guess," Sombrero shrugs.
"Great idea!" I say. "Let's go."
We're halfway out the door when I turn to the stallion. "Can you cover for us?"
"What - "
"Cover for us. Say we're in the toilet or something. I dunno." I say.
He grins. "Sure. See you around...?"
"Ribbon Heart. And you?"
"Brickwork," he replies. "See you. Maybe."
I grin. "See you."
I turn, follow Sombrero out the door.
"Where are you two off to?"
Spanish. I can tell. The guard behind us is Spanish.
"Hola, amigo..." says Sombrero uncertainly.
"We, ah, need to pee." I say quickly.
"Wait - where are your ribbon bracelets?" The guard is really suspicious now.
"Run!" I say to Sombrero.
"Hemi!" The guard is obviously yelling for backup.
Now I can hear hooves behind us.
"Keep running," pants Sombrero. "Maybe we can outrun them."
"Get back here!" Gemane-accented English.
Sombrero spreads her wings and flies up directly above me. She's about to grab me when she falls with an uff onto my back. She's been shot. Oh Celestia she's been shot. She's probably dead, and if she's in shooting range then I am too. I begin to zig zag through the trees, dodging around bushes and shrubs. Maybe if I keep moving they can't target me.
But I'm slowing down, I'm so tired. The dart comes in my back left leg, and I plow straight into the mud.

*

I come to in a sterile white room. The curtains are shiny.
Shiny?!
I bolt backwards, knowing what that means. With a thud, I hit the oak headboard behind me. "Ow," I moan.
I use a pillow to push open the crystal curtain. I'm in what looks like a hospital dormitory.
Then it hits me. Aren't I supposed to be dead?
"Sombrero!" I gasp, remembering the shot.
A groan to my left.
"Ribbon?"
"Where are we?" I ask.
"I don't know," Sombrero replies.
I try to get out of the bed, trying hard not to touch the curtains. It almost doesn't work, and at one point I shut my eyes and grit my teeth, waiting for the warm feeling that means I'm crystal again. But I doesn't come. I'm safe...this time.
How do these ponies know so much about my past?!
I turn around.
And see it.
The crystal ribbon from the boat cruise was laid beneath my pillow.

Comments

[Mindblower]

"Meesus Rarity." Hah!

...Island. Pack your things up and go to the Manehatten shipyard at nine AM sharp tomorrow. Thankyou for your time." He hung up.

Typo. Also, in the author's note above, it says this second chapter was written by a different author?

It didn't even pass my mind that I hadn't entered any competitions. I guess I was just really glad I wasn't being deported.

While technically correct, the quoted text is murder if read aloud.

The next morning, when I wake up again (I'd hardly got any sleep at all.

Bzzt. Tense switch. Try, "I hardly got any sleep at all, and when I woke up the next morning, I realized it was already eight-thirty." Parentheses are also a no-no in most writing, obsessive discretion advised.

At eight-forty-five I head down to the shipyard.

Again with the tense. The job of an author is to tell a story that's already occurred, so if you please refrain from present tense, much grief can be avoided.

With a panicky gasp

Imma stop you right there.

Well, that was unexpected.

Bzzt. Delete.

Raritellen Lily Elliseve

Clever! Well done. Though, later in this scene, you switch from present to past tense once more. Why is that?

The apartment is lush and expensive-looking.

I've already beat the tense problem to death, now I'll move on to description. Whenever you have to add the suffix -looking onto an adjective, you're leaving too much open to the reader to interpret. It's a lot of work to interpret that kind of vagueness. Do you want to entertain your reader, or make them work? Especially considering you prove in the following sentences that you're completely capable of providing an ample description.

...wow, it's like this room came out of the Princess' castle!

This would all be a lot better if the first person comments were formatted like thoughts, i.e.,

There were long velvet couches, lots of clothes, plush carpets, even a four-poster bed. I nearly salivated as I examined what I supposed were my quarters, thinking, It's almost as if this room came out of the Princess's castle!

It's a pastel blue. But there's a sheen to it that suggests it was sparklier than it is now.

Sentence fragment. Replace the period with a comma and decaptitalize the B.

She was a Crystalli, a very pure and true Crystal Pony lineage. The Crystallis were stewards to the queens and kings before Sombra.

No complaints, just felt that this was worth quoting.

I open my eyes a crack. "Mf?"
"Hola! Bonjour! Salutations! Konnichiwa! Kia Ora!"
"Just hello is fine," I mumble.

This is actually remarkably entertaining dialogue, but the issue is that you never describe the second party at all, not even to clarify, perhaps, what her voice sounds like.

When I do wake up (I went to sleep?) it's a few minutes after twelve.

Bzzt. Try, "I wake up a while later, without even realizing I had apparently fallen asleep."

"What now?" The annoyed (and half asleep) unicorn growls.

Get rid of the parentheses and you'll be A-okay.

There's a fancy mansion where we get of but apparently we aren't allowed in there.

*inside.

It smells like somepony's peed in here, there's cigarette butts and other rubbish all over the floor (with a cry of disgust Ribbon finds a condom, luckily not used),

Again with the unnecessary parentheses. Also, I'd suggest slightly toning down the maturity aspect (i.e. condoms), because the story was plenty enjoyable without that image present.

"Is this a fashion statement?" I ask the next morning, waving around the ribbon tied elegantly to my hoof.
Sombrero laughs.

Pardon me, but I don't remember ribbons (specifically, those being tightly attached to hooves) being mentioned before this point in the story. That's a significant problem. You need to set the scene for us at some point, preferably at the beginning of the chapter, especially since they're apparently what the guards use to track the contestants (which is awfully convenient, if you ask me, but that frame of thought is another beast entirely).

"Get back here!" Gemane-accented English.

Germane?

The dart comes in my back left leg, and I plough straight into the mud.

*plow

The rest is on my read later list, at least for now. You and your apparent partner share a remarkable writing style that's unfortunately marred by gramatical errors and the other conundrums mentioned above. If it's more fleshed out, it would definitely be deserving of more praise, and I can see this getting on Equestria Daily if enough work is put into it. The problems are fixable, make no mistake, but you have to be willing to fix them.

If you like, you can contact me via PM and we can work out a more thorough editing schedule. In the meantime, I do hope you take into account the advice I've provided so far. This story has the potential to be excellent, and I would hate to see it fall short.

Cheers,
-Mindblower