Well, since PinkieDash is the fuel I run on, I'm gonna be reading this now, but you've got a lot of tense shifts in this with a smattering of Tell. The tense stuff is distracting. The Tell is not too bad, ATM. Since it's 4:28 am for me, I probably missed a bunch of stuff but have some tense shifts:
>Pinkie diligently grabbed a bag of carrot seed and carefully plants them in a balloon formation before exclaiming excitedly, “Look! I made a balloon!” Tense: carefully planted
>Reaching into her saddlebag, Applejack gives Pinkie a crudely drawn map leading to the house. Tense: gave
>A lone figure hovered above the body, an icy smile slowly creeps across her face. Tense: Creeped
>she begins searching around for the source of the noise. tense: began
I'm pretty sure there were some I missed, but i still like this so far.
Brb, reading what looks like a good story.
Shouldn't think be considered an 'Alternate Universe' fic?
Well, since PinkieDash is the fuel I run on, I'm gonna be reading this now, but you've got a lot of tense shifts in this with a smattering of Tell. The tense stuff is distracting. The Tell is not too bad, ATM. Since it's 4:28 am for me, I probably missed a bunch of stuff but have some tense shifts:
>Pinkie diligently grabbed a bag of carrot seed and carefully plants them in a balloon formation before exclaiming excitedly, “Look! I made a balloon!”
Tense: carefully planted
>Reaching into her saddlebag, Applejack gives Pinkie a crudely drawn map leading to the house.
Tense: gave
>A lone figure hovered above the body, an icy smile slowly creeps across her face.
Tense: Creeped
>she begins searching around for the source of the noise.
tense: began
I'm pretty sure there were some I missed, but i still like this so far.
way to much jumping around... very annoying to read :/