Building Walls, Burning Bridges

by MonolithiuM

[ARC II] Chapter 25- Cleared Up

"Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own." -Mark Twain

I sat on a chair in Mayor Mare’s office, grumbling to my heart’s content while half of Ponyville roared around me. If you think they were pissed about the gold, then you’re an idiot. They were pissed about the collateral damage.

“One hundred and fifty eight trees! He chopped down more than a hundred of my trees!” Applejack practically screamed into my face, even though she was addressing the Mayor. God fucking dammit this hick was stupid.

“Hey, guess what: the streets are filled with gold, go buy a hundred thousand more, you twat.” I crossed my arms and glared past the Mayor and out the window, watching the clouds roll by while the crowd exploded into unintelligible fuming once again. “Just shut the fuck up and enjoy free money! Fuck’s sake, people!”

“Mono! You’ve opened rifts in time and space to make CORNMEAL TRIANGLES!” Twilight’s threat probably would’ve been more bold had her magic not sputtered out and died once it got near me. If that hadn’t happened, she’d be Super Sayain right now, and a hell of a lot more intimidating.

“I don’t think you fully understand how worth the risk it was for even a taste of Doritos. That snack is the single best thing to ever happen to Planet Earth, except for Twinkies, of course, but Hostess is out of business so…”

“Mono, we don’t know what you’re talking about and we don’t care. All we know is that somewhere in Equestria there is a literal tear in the fabric of reality and you don’t have the attention span to even remember where it is!”

Looking at Twilight, I shrugged. “I kinda forgot. There were a lot of trees to cut down.”

“I’m gonna kill him,” Applejack muttered behind me.

I had been in this fucking hut of a Town Hall for an hour, and I was starting to get bored. “LISTEN UP!” My shout silenced everyone in the room while the vibrations from the shout finished rattling the windows. “I get that you’re really fuckin’ pissed, and I can understand that. I won’t go into detail about how I’m going to repay this town, but I will.”

A low grumbled began to build, quickly turning into another riot. If I didn’t say something, this building was coming down with me inside, and I couldn’t have that.

“Pools. In-ground pools for everyone!” The room was suddenly plunged into dead silence. Twilight began to get closer to me, a dangerous glare on her face.

“Do you think that would make everything better? After all of the inter-dimensional paradoxes and Euclidian time loops you’ve managed to-“

A mare’s hoof shot up far in the back and I heard her ask a faint question. “Could we get hot tubs instead?”

I face-palmed and sighed heavily. “Great fucking idea, Mono.”

“Yeah, sure. Pick one and I’ll buy it for you once my company takes off the ground. Make a list, fuckers.”

I left the Town Hall amidst cheers and shouts for aquatic leisure products. Yet another thing to add to my ever-growing list of bullshit. Right now, though, I needed a calendar so I could set my priorities straight and stop running in circles like a crippled dog.

\\\\||||////

“Of all the places I choose, it had to be this.”

Sex Toys and Calendars. I beat out every other motherfucker in existence with this gem right here. Not only can I buy sex toys… I can tell you what day of the week I’m gonna use ‘em. What’s next Thursday? Oh, day off from work? Break out the vibrator eggs! Holy day on Monday? Shit, baby, bring dem nipple clamps over here.

“I am just a font of luck and joy,” I deadpanned, pushing in the door to my greatest fantasies and pleasures: knowing the days of the week and writing things down. Oh God, the paddles couldn’t even compare to this joy.

I walked up to the register and realized I was too short to look above the counter. Once again, my luck saved me, and I found boxed mare panties on a shelf. Stacking them up, I climbed atop them and stared the owner in the face.

“Uh, aren’t you a little too young to be in here?” she asked me.

“Aren’t you a little too go fuck yourself?” Her momentary pause allowed me to talk further, recovering from my stupid reply. “That’s not even a grammatically correct sentence, but lately I just don’t give a damn. I’ll take a calendar please.”

“Um… okay. Sure.” The mare bagged a calendar and put it on the counter. “Six bits, please.”

I dropped ten and snatched away the calendar, nodding to her. “Keep the change.”

I left the store and let out a massive sigh. “Today is just going to be a crap day, I can feel it.”

“Mono!” I turned around and saw Penchant heading down the street, minus a tie and shirt. “It’s been a long time since I’ve actually taken a break from micromanaging and big city life. Kinda relaxing, actually.” He stretched and smiled. “What’s in the bag?”

I reached inside, talking as I did so. “Well, I’ve been getting distracted with the stupid crap that I’ve been getting myself into. So…” I pulled the calendar out. “I got some order in my life.”

The nonplussed look on Penchant’s face slowly twisted into a snickering grin. I arched an eyebrow. “What?” His giggling began to bubble up. “What the fuck is it?”

The blue bastard fell on the ground, writhing in his hysterical laughter. Finally realizing the source of comedy with a jolt, I looked at the calendar in my hand.

“Monthly Stallions Pin-Up?”

“AAHHAHAHAAHAA!”

I pegged Penchant in the face with the calendar, sending several of the pages flying through the air. While lewd male horses were displayed for all those in the public area, I walked back into the store and actually paid attention to what I bought.

\\\\||||////

“Okay, so today is Saturday the twelfth of July. The Championship is…?” I asked Sweetie Belle, reaching for a pen in my pocket as I did so. She grew a thoughtful look on her face for a minute, then smiled and nodded.

“July twenty-sixth! On Saturday,” she replied.

“So we’re two weeks away and nobody on our team has practiced, huh?” I asked the adorable filly.

“Uh… yes?”

I threw the pen with such force that it impaled the celery Applebloom was lifitng to her lips and pinned it against the wall. “Fuck! We don’t have enough time for this shit, and I can’t carry the entire goddamn team!”

“You made another pen?”

“Yes, Scootaloo, they’re easy to make and I made at least thirty while I was in Canterlot.” I paused. “I am gonna need that one back, though.”

“And I’m gonna need my celery back, too,” whined Hillbilly McFucktard.

“Screw your celery.” I hopped up, crossing my arms and closing my eyes. “Okay, so at the moment our available players to choose from are comprised of every grade level in Ponyville, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“I need the most athletic motherfuckers you can get. I want muscles, sharp eyes, ruthless determination, and fucking willpower. I WANT THE SIXTEEN BEST GODDAMN PLAYERS IN PONYVILLE HERE BY TUESDAY, YOU GET ME?”

“Actually, Mono, we need some smart cookies too,” Sweetie Belle called out. I shot her a pointed look.

“Why?”

“Well, the Sports Championship has one round near the end, where the game is changed in the most drastic way. Instead of using brute force and speed, we’ll be playing chess.”

“Chess? Chess isn’t a fuckin’ sport! CHESS IS FOR NERDS!”

“I play chess,” Sweetie Belle murmured.

“CHESS IS COOL, ONLY THE COOL KIDS PLAY CHESS.”

“Mono, just stop,” Scootaloo replied off-handedly. She was a little too busy counting her stacks of gold bits. “What am I gonna do with all these bits?” she asked while I looked around the clubhouse.

Even though I was now banned from the orchard, Applejack couldn’t say I was inside the orchard if I had catapulted myself inside the clubhouse.

“Oh, Mono, you owe us a new roof now too.”

“Why don’t you ask moneybags over here to pay for it?”

Scootaloo glared at me. “Because you’re the one who broke the darn thing.”

I sat down and grumbled. “If I’m buying a new roof, I’m building a bigger clubhouse. This dinky shack is far too small for my liking.”

“It’s not your clubhouse,” Scootaloo retorted.

“Then why am I paying to fix it?” I asked.

“Because you friggin’ broke it, stupid.”

“I’ll break your face.”

“I’ll eat your face.”

“I’ll stomp your face.”

“I’ll punch your face.”

“I’ll body slam your face.”

“I'll sit on your face.”

Everyone stared at Scootaloo, lifting one eyebrow very slowly. “Well, I for one always thought that you liked fillies, but whatever,” I said.

Scootaloo’s face went red and her ears flopped down. “SHUT UP.”

“What was that? Butt up? Not now, Scootaloo, I need my face at the moment.”

Scootaloo’s eye twitched with rage and I smiled scandalously at her adorable little blowup. “Well, I’ll be seein’ you girls later, I’ve got stuff to do.” I hopped up and got inside and got inside the cup of a giant slingshot I had built with the amassed debris from my entry.

The massive rubber band was mine, obviously. I grabbed the string leading to my safety branch, which held the band in place.

“Later, twats.” I pulled the string.

And then I was launched into the thermosphere.

Author's Note:

*try to fix the timeline omg cut my wrists*

Comments

[Capt TeK]

Thermosphere: for when just atmosphere isn't enough.

[D-Bence35]

3857425 The Thermosphere is part of the Atmosphere. I think you meant Stratosphere.

[MonolithiuM]

3859462
3857425

The thermosphere is the highest part of the atmosphere. After the thermosphere is literally just nothing. After that you enter orbit. *SPOILERS*

[Capt TeK]

3859462 What i meant was that he went so far, just saying "Atmosphere" wouldn't be enough to comprehend just how high he went.
3860278 You are correct. You win...

Another Like if i could give it! XD

[MonolithiuM]

3860500 I will not give the spoiler! However... I am contemplating releasing some deleted scenes next month.

[Capt TeK]

3861055 But you aren't River Song! So how could you give spoilers without giving spoilers?!

I typed something, i don't know what it is, but i typed it. XD

[MonolithiuM]

3861312 You'll never know. stream1.gifsoup.com/view7/2474393/you-ll-never-know-o.gif

[Capt TeK]

3861320 Have a thing! Don't question the thing, it's a thing.

31.media.tumblr.com/c1854ff124e7b08917b30b6c7a976fe6/tumblr_mzuue7dKoG1sh0tp8o1_500.gif

[MonolithiuM]

3861333 That made my night.

[Capt TeK]

3861967 Yay! My insanity made someone's night!

So wait, does that mean my insanity is Luna? Or is Luna Insanity?..SHEOGORATH!! WE NEED YOUR HELP HERE!!! ITS ABOUT NIGHTS OF INSANITY I THINK!

Also, America and Canada should just ship him off to Mexico, it's where our shit goes nowadays isn't it?