Just constructive criticism: Undiplomatic and Story disturbing choice of words here. In literally speaking is, like everypony knows, nearly everything ok, but if you (as the writer) describe something, avoid negative words, unless you really want to cause this bad, negative feelings in your readers. This would make your literally voice 'sound' more pleasant, smooth and make the flow of your stories also smoother. And if you use such Heavy, negative words, like fat and stinky, try to avoid it to repeat them in short time or better don't use them in the same chapter in the same meaning and or constellation again.
But non than the less(i hope i use this phrase at least correctly) its an interesting Setting you created until now. but how I am to say this. ^^
schlecccchhhhhht.....
Just constructive criticism:
Undiplomatic and Story disturbing choice of words here. In literally speaking is, like everypony knows, nearly everything ok, but if you (as the writer) describe something, avoid negative words, unless you really want to cause this bad, negative feelings in your readers. This would make your literally voice 'sound' more pleasant, smooth and make the flow of your stories also smoother.
And if you use such Heavy, negative words, like fat and stinky, try to avoid it to repeat them in short time or better don't use them in the same chapter in the same meaning and or constellation again.
But non than the less(i hope i use this phrase at least correctly) its an interesting Setting you created until now.
but how I am to say this. ^^
1831039
First, do you release who wrote this story? They are the most infamous troll on fimfiction.
Second, sometimes you to cause, bad, negative feelings in the reader.