Shockwave

by Angels

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

My name is Shockwave. I'm tall for a Pegasus, about four and a half feet tall. Tall in general, I guess. I keep to myself mostly. With a job like mine, true friends don't come that often. I DJ. Mainly I get hired for the little things. Birthdays, social events, and on occasion, in a nightclub. It's how I like it. The tall pony in the booth, playing the beats.

I had just finished packing up after a great birthday mix. The tracks were all clean, due to the younger crowd. After checking with the hosts ( who said I did great), I headed out. Using my converted saddlebag, I was able to put just about all my gear into it. All but the sub. That stayed down on the ground.

I soared upwards.

*sigh* Back in my cloud house, I make a lunge for the wonderful, amazing, beautiful couch. I start a playlist of relaxed tracks, closing my eyes. Overall, I did pretty well today.

Standing up, I put away my gear. I open my fridge, hunting for a snack. Sandwich and sarsaparilla. Mmm,mmm, good.

After my feast, I head up to bed. My wonderful cloud bed. I brush my teeth, and step into my bedroom. But the cloud floor has other ideas.

I go right through it, plummeting to the ground below.

Surprised, I snap out my wings. Literally SNAP, as in I can feel them twisting behind me at an angle no wing should ever be at. I gasp in pain, still falling. Through my squinted eyes, I can see the ground. And it's different.

Very different.

Comments

[MasterFrasca]

So far, this is a pretty good start for a Pony-on-Earth story. I just have a few complaints:
-There are quite a bit of grammatical errors
-It has the tone of someone telling it informally around a campfire. It'd be good for an oral telling, but the way you have it written seems a bit too informal.
-You randomly switch from past tense to present tense. In writing that's a no-no. You have to stick with one or the other. You aren't allowed to switch between the two without good reason (such as a flashback or a recalling of events).
-Your chapters are extremely short. At least try to get 1000 words per chapter. That's why the restriction is in place for new stories
-Everything is rushed beyond all hell. Try to describe what's going on, and it would be better not to just give a list of descriptions in the beginning like you do at the start. Reveal the OC's qualities gradually through events and actions.

Just my 2¢