!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! delete if you wish.....
Work a little on reformatting and Capital letters when starting a sentence or speech ex. "Hello" not "hello". Other then that it looks pretty good. Fav'ed and liked. I'll see where this goes. (btw; sergeant is the proper spelling) sargent is a painter in the 18th century.
just a few things were off, the Mollie vest that he had is actually 'MOLLE' and the time that you set for 2200 hours is actually ten P.M. Still reading though, not too bad.
1. Sargent is supposed to be Sergeant, unless you are referring to Sargent Manufacturing, which produces door locks.
2. Currently, there are no females in any direct ground combat roles (that im aware of) within the U.S. Armed forces. However, that is a small discrepancy that can be ignored, as policy is appearing to change.
3. The soldier's reactions to meeting equine life is ridiculous. "Don't worry, I'll get you out of here!" I think a much more realistic reaction would be, "What?"
(Don't read this last one if you don't care about accurately portraying Special Forces and Special Operation members.)
4. If you are attempting to accurately portray a professional soldier, you are doing it wrong. Do not take what you see from video games and assume that is how such soldiers react in real life. SEALs are trained professionals that are extremely mature, extremely intelligent, and extremely humble. They are held to standards higher than the average G.I. They don't chatter and banter, they keep their mouths shut, and get the job done. Silent professionals to the end. I'm sorry if this comes off as angry, but I'm a little annoyed at reading all these fics with "Speshul Ops" and "Speshul Forsesz" being portrayed as potty mouthed braggards who follow no guidelines.
Things I want to say to the author, first have you had any military experience? Next though I don't mind this much, girls can't serve in any combat rolls, though sometimes their job puts them in danger. I don't mind this as much though , you will see if you read my story which basically disregards most age and gender related requirements for the military. As said before the SOF operators reacted unrealistically to being sent to Equestria, they should be going "Wtf is going on?". I'll try to think of more critiques, I hope I didn't come off as demanding, I'm trying to help.
1760981 I agree with you as well, all SOCOM/SOF operators are either in training for five + years; or have to wait until they have been active duty for about the same amount of time. Like MARSOC for example you have to be active for five to ten years to be considered so they know you are mature mentally and physically as well. Such as our guy who was running with the M240B and only made it a few feet and had to stop because he was out of breath. Anyway, I threw in my two cents, so happy hunting.
I don't have a problem with military snobs, just try to accept the following before you comment. I know there are not that many girls in the army. I know Pinkie Pie will break the 4th wall. I know some of what happens would not really happen.
First of all, you're quoting Wikipedia, which is not the most trustworthy source of information, nor is it the most thorough.
Second of all...
"2. Currently, there are no females in any direct ground combat roles (that I'm aware of) within the U.S. Armed forces. However, that is a small discrepancy that can be ignored, as policy is appearing to change."
Read that very carefully. Look at the date of the comment.
Now that you have read my comment carefully and thoroughly, let me explain how what little research you have done on an quote has nothing to do with the comment I made.
I pointed out DIRECT GROUND COMBAT ROLES within the U.S. ARMED FORCES. It does include any military force from any other country. Furthermore, I stated currently, referring to HERE and NOW. Not some distant time in the past or future, but the time in which the soldiers are from. Army Regulation 600-13, (AKA the Combat Exclusion Policy) is still in place, which means direct combat roles are out of the question. Yes, there are sometimes cases in where female soldiers face combat, but for the most part, they are not officially assigned to direct combat units.
Therefore, that short blurb from Wikipedia has nothing to do with the current situation. If you think I got this from wikipedia, here.
If you were portraying soldiers from any other military from any other country or any other time period, I would not say anything. But you are talking about soldiers from this time period, this planet, and from the United States of America, which I have some knowledge on. So, I think I can say something.
Snob? Well, I certainly don't look down on anyone. I did nothing but state my opinion, and I worded it rather softly compared to what I have done to more experienced writers. Even if the person who wrote it was my friend, I would give my honest opinion. You asked for people to point out things that were incorrect. I'm sorry if you believe that makes me out to be a "snob".
On a final note, a warning to you. Over-sensitivity is a writers downfall. If one cannot properly handle criticism in any form, especially constructive criticism, then they are doomed to repeat any mistakes and flaws they have in style, structure, and mechanics, or anything in life for that matter.
Well, I'm done with you. I hope what I have said has helped you learn. If not, then I hope your peers and teachers can somehow help you.
1772897 lol, i didn't mean u as a snob. I found a mail in my inbox and some snob started listing problems and then said,"Dont post another chapter noob. you weren't in the army and so I would take down this story." I know him
Well, I am sorry to hear that someone was rude enough to do that. If you want to be especially mature for your age, (and sadly, anyones age) refrain from name calling. It lets them know that acting pretentious does not affect you.
I did not know that you were using any of it! I am glad to hear you are accepting input from your audience. If you need any further help, let me know, I have a lot of experience I can call upon.
the main thing that bugged me in this chapter was when you said the Black Hawk had a Gatling Gun. the Gatling gun was an Artillary piece in the civil war. you are looking for the Minigun, which is the modern day turret based off of the design of the Gatling gun.
Wow. New record for how fast I've lost interest in a story.
On a serious, non-dicklike note; this needs work. It's confusing, which is weird. While it's written right, it's just what you've written is confusing. This story flips from one idea to the next without actually lingering to explain anything. There's no development to each plot point, character or anything else for that matter.
Couple that with the typos, grammar and spelling mistakes and you've got one hell of a confusing story.
To be entirely honest I was planning on putting off reading this just because of the "cover", the description and chapter names. But, I don't like judging books by covers even when I do, so I gave the story a chance, and was disappointed.
Umm... Okay, I am going to be very blunt with you on this... you need to improve your grammar, I have noticed a lot of errors such as Sergent and Sargent, the proper terminology is Sergeant, for future reference, please, come to me and I will help you to improve your work.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! delete if you wish.....
Work a little on reformatting and Capital letters when starting a sentence or speech ex. "Hello" not "hello". Other then that it looks pretty good. Fav'ed and liked. I'll see where this goes. (btw; sergeant is the proper spelling) sargent is a painter in the 18th century.
1760898 >_>
1760917
Just my opinion.
just a few things were off, the Mollie vest that he had is actually 'MOLLE' and the time that you set for 2200 hours is actually ten P.M. Still reading though, not too bad.
Well! Where to begin on whats 'incorrect'.
1. Sargent is supposed to be Sergeant, unless you are referring to Sargent Manufacturing, which produces door locks.
2. Currently, there are no females in any direct ground combat roles (that im aware of) within the U.S. Armed forces. However, that is a small discrepancy that can be ignored, as policy is appearing to change.
3. The soldier's reactions to meeting equine life is ridiculous. "Don't worry, I'll get you out of here!" I think a much more realistic reaction would be,
"What?"
(Don't read this last one if you don't care about accurately portraying Special Forces and Special Operation members.)
4. If you are attempting to accurately portray a professional soldier, you are doing it wrong. Do not take what you see from video games and assume that is how such soldiers react in real life. SEALs are trained professionals that are extremely mature, extremely intelligent, and extremely humble. They are held to standards higher than the average G.I. They don't chatter and banter, they keep their mouths shut, and get the job done. Silent professionals to the end. I'm sorry if this comes off as angry, but I'm a little annoyed at reading all these fics with "Speshul Ops" and "Speshul Forsesz" being portrayed as potty mouthed braggards who follow no guidelines.
1760981 thanks for the uhh tips. ill try to incorporate them when it matters.
1761009
Don't worry about these, they're more like suggestions. I'm nitpicky when it comes to quality.
You only have to worry about it if you really want me to like your story for some reason.
I'll bite
1761023 considering how you have a chrysalis thumbnail...
1761059
What about it?
Things I want to say to the author, first have you had any military experience? Next though I don't mind this much, girls can't serve in any combat rolls, though sometimes their job puts them in danger. I don't mind this as much though , you will see if you read my story which basically disregards most age and gender related requirements for the military. As said before the SOF operators reacted unrealistically to being sent to Equestria, they should be going "Wtf is going on?". I'll try to think of more critiques, I hope I didn't come off as demanding, I'm trying to help.
1760981 I agree with you as well, all SOCOM/SOF operators are either in training for five + years; or have to wait until they have been active duty for about the same amount of time. Like MARSOC for example you have to be active for five to ten years to be considered so they know you are mature mentally and physically as well. Such as our guy who was running with the M240B and only made it a few feet and had to stop because he was out of breath. Anyway, I threw in my two cents, so happy hunting.
1761170
Good point! I completely forgot to mention those facts.
I guess I'm not the only one who appreciates realism in my pony fics. Heh.
1761244 haha! yeah you and me both. I'm not really sure why but it bugs me when it's not really right on the money if you see what i'm saying.
1761269
You know what, that gives me an idea for a fic I should write! Thanks for accidentally inspiring me!
1761320 Glad I could accidentally help.
This is the most cheesy, most illogical and definitly the most strange story that has ever captivated me while being written by a five year old.
Faved. You could conquer the world with a writing lesson or twenty.
1761570 dafuq?
so far, i fixed the following(Ill edit this comment as it progresses.)
Sergent
I don't have a problem with military snobs, just try to accept the following before you comment.
I know there are not that many girls in the army. I know Pinkie Pie will break the 4th wall. I know some of what happens would not really happen.
Interesting...
1768000 hi hi
1768004lol first time someone said that to me... i am completely serious
1768007 ur welcome
1768010 i never said thank you and that was random almost like this picsphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/399574_409825272412766_1273371839_n.jpg
1760981 " Women have played many roles in the military, from ancient warrior women, to the women currently serving in conflicts..." -Wiki
1761570 BTW I'm not 5. I'm 14 and in 8th grade.
1772352
First of all, you're quoting Wikipedia, which is not the most trustworthy source of information, nor is it the most thorough.
Second of all...
"2. Currently, there are no females in any direct ground combat roles (that I'm aware of) within the U.S. Armed forces. However, that is a small discrepancy that can be ignored, as policy is appearing to change."
Read that very carefully. Look at the date of the comment.
Now that you have read my comment carefully and thoroughly, let me explain how what little research you have done on an quote has nothing to do with the comment I made.
I pointed out DIRECT GROUND COMBAT ROLES within the U.S. ARMED FORCES. It does include any military force from any other country. Furthermore, I stated currently, referring to HERE and NOW. Not some distant time in the past or future, but the time in which the soldiers are from. Army Regulation 600-13, (AKA the Combat Exclusion Policy) is still in place, which means direct combat roles are out of the question. Yes, there are sometimes cases in where female soldiers face combat, but for the most part, they are not officially assigned to direct combat units.
Therefore, that short blurb from Wikipedia has nothing to do with the current situation. If you think I got this from wikipedia, here.
Army Regulation 600-13
If you were portraying soldiers from any other military from any other country or any other time period, I would not say anything. But you are talking about soldiers from this time period, this planet, and from the United States of America, which I have some knowledge on. So, I think I can say something.
Good day, and always improve on your writing.
1762640
Snob? Well, I certainly don't look down on anyone. I did nothing but state my opinion, and I worded it rather softly compared to what I have done to more experienced writers. Even if the person who wrote it was my friend, I would give my honest opinion. You asked for people to point out things that were incorrect. I'm sorry if you believe that makes me out to be a "snob".
On a final note, a warning to you. Over-sensitivity is a writers downfall. If one cannot properly handle criticism in any form, especially constructive criticism, then they are doomed to repeat any mistakes and flaws they have in style, structure, and mechanics, or anything in life for that matter.
Well, I'm done with you. I hope what I have said has helped you learn. If not, then I hope your peers and teachers can somehow help you.
1772897 lol, i didn't mean u as a snob. I found a mail in my inbox and some snob started listing problems and then said,"Dont post another chapter noob. you weren't in the army and so I would take down this story." I know him
1772897 and I do appreciate your criticism. i'm using it,am I not?
1772921
Well, I am sorry to hear that someone was rude enough to do that. If you want to be especially mature for your age, (and sadly, anyones age) refrain from name calling. It lets them know that acting pretentious does not affect you.
1772925
I did not know that you were using any of it! I am glad to hear you are accepting input from your audience. If you need any further help, let me know, I have a lot of experience I can call upon.
the main thing that bugged me in this chapter was when you said the Black Hawk had a Gatling Gun. the Gatling gun was an Artillary piece in the civil war. you are looking for the Minigun, which is the modern day turret based off of the design of the Gatling gun.
I have no idea how this reminds me of Battlefield 4, but I still find the story carrying thousands of pounds of liquid gold dialogue. Very original.
Wow. New record for how fast I've lost interest in a story.
On a serious, non-dicklike note; this needs work. It's confusing, which is weird. While it's written right, it's just what you've written is confusing. This story flips from one idea to the next without actually lingering to explain anything. There's no development to each plot point, character or anything else for that matter.
Couple that with the typos, grammar and spelling mistakes and you've got one hell of a confusing story.
To be entirely honest I was planning on putting off reading this just because of the "cover", the description and chapter names. But, I don't like judging books by covers even when I do, so I gave the story a chance, and was disappointed.
I'm sorry.
Umm... Okay, I am going to be very blunt with you on this... you need to improve your grammar, I have noticed a lot of errors such as Sergent and Sargent, the proper terminology is Sergeant, for future reference, please, come to me and I will help you to improve your work.