Following Clues
Twilight’s Discovery: Things Are Changing
6 months after the Crystal Empire incident.
Spike was following Twilight around the library, checking things off of his checklist that Twilight had made for that morning.
Twilight was almost done with the checklist on what needed to be in her saddle-bags for her adventure.
“Twilight, are you sure you should be going into the Everfree forest?” Spike said to Twilight as he checked another thing off the checklist.
“You know, Spike, I wouldn’t be going there unless I absolutely had to. Plus, this research is very important.” She replied.
“But-”
“Spike, the princess HERSELF asked me to look into this. I can’t let her down.” Twilight said, ending the conversation.
“Ok Twilight, but can I at least go for a walk before I start reshelving the library?” Spike pleaded.
“Fine, take all the time you need. But don’t forget about your chores. It has been a full two weeks since we’ve reshelved this place last.” Twilight stated.
“You mean since I’ve reshelved it?” Spike moaned.
“Yeah, yeah, just get it done.” Twilight said dismissively.
***
Twilight began her trek at 6am that morning, knowing that most monsters were nocturnal, and they would be asleep by then. She had been walking for nearly three hours now without stopping. She knew that she should be getting close after following her previous clues.
These clues was a strange footstep that had dried in some mud. The odd thing about this footstep was that it didn’t seem to match any of the footprints in her Know Your Monsters: A Guide to All Things Monster, she also told her friend Grumpkin about this. He usually knew everything there is to monsters, but he said that he hadn’t seen anything like this before.
As she travel continued through the thick brush of the Everfree, but stopped as she found herself in a clearing. And standing dead center of the clearing was three timberwolves trying to dig at something. She quickly realized her mistake and let out a gasp as she tried to back up. Immediately one of the wolves whipped its head around, alerted from the noise. The wolf quickly barked to alert his packmates. Twilight let out a small gasp as she tried to assess the situation.
The first timberwolf lunged at Twilight with intense speed.
Twilight, on instinct, teleported behind the beast. As she reappeared, she shot a bolt of white hot flames at the wolf. The wolf, still off-balance, tried to stumble away before getting hit with the spell. The once timberwolf was now a pile of ash.
Twilight turned on the other two. They quickly got the hint as they sprinted off into the brush.
‘hmm, i wonder what they were pawing at.’ Twilight thought to herself.
She took a glance at the hole and found a pair of rabbits.
‘Are you serious? I take on a timberwolf for these creatures? Ugh, at least they won’t have those nasty things bothering them for a while.’
Twilight began on her journey again.
***
It was about midafternoon when Twilight decided to take a rest. She sat on the edge of river which she had never seen before. She opened up her saddle-bags and brought out a daisey sandwich. She munched happily on her lunch and sipped on her water. Suddenly, she heard a noise to her left, across the river. She tried to hide behind a fairly large rock as best she could. What she saw before her was the strangest creature she had ever laid eyes on.
It was a primate of some sort. It had no tail which is unusually for such a being. The primate had no hair except for the top of his head, which was blonde and he was rather skinny looking. It wore the strangest assortment of clothes, a pair of jeans, a shirt with blue flannel over it, he looked rather beat up. The creature had knelt down over the river and took a cup full of water with his hands.
“I see you over there.” The thing said after it had taken a drink.
Twilight let out a small “eep!” before trying to hide further behind the rock.
“You know, purple doesn’t blend very well with a grey boulder.”
After realizing it was useless, she came out from her hiding place.
“What are you?!” she managed to get out with a shaky voice.
“Wait, you can talk?” he asked.
“I asked, ‘What are you?’” she asked, a bit more confidence in her voice as she lowered her horn.
“Um, I am a human, my name is Michael. But shouldn’t I be asking these questions?”He replied.
Twilight pondered what he said so far. After some silence, the boy spoke up again.
“Are you going to kill me? Because that would be a problem.” He spoke.
“Why?” Twilight said cautiously. Knowing full well that she wouldn’t kill him.
“Well, before you decide, I suggest that we run.” he said.
“Why?!”
“There is a bear right behind you.” He yelled as he dove across the small river and push her out of the path of the beast.
Twilight tumbled to safety. She looked up to see Michael and the bear battling it out. She noticed a rather large hunting knife in the hand of the boy. The bear swiped at the boy. Swiftly, Michael rolled to the side. Coming up from his maneuver, he slashed at the bear’s stomach.
The bear didn’t even flinched at the small scratch he had given him.
“Damn. Run!” Michael yelled.”Follow me!”
Twilight was happy to oblige.
They ran through thick forests with a crazed bear behind them. It felt like forever, but they finally stopped in front of a vine. To Twilight it looked like a regular old vine, but Michael grabbed Twilight around the waist and pulled the vine. He rose to the top of the tree where a small wood platform was. He stepped onto it and put Twilight down.
“Shit, now I am going to have to reset this entire pulley system” he said as he looked over the edge of the platform and saw his counter-weight on the ground.
“Well, at least we’re safe now” he stated.
Twilight who was too confused to say anything before, finally found her voice.
“So, since we are safe now, we have some time to talk.”
“Umm, okay. Let’s talk.”
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Yo. Try discovering spaces or useful synopses.
The Human in Equestria thing isn't exactly new, but I won't hold that against you. However, I did notice some errors, for example:
"Knows" is a form of the word "know", a present tense verb, which would indicate the story is taking place in the present when not being articulated by a character in-story. Other sentences in your story indicate that the story takes place in the past. I would suggest changing that, if at all possible.
Much better.
This and many of your other pieces of dialogue throughout the story have a problem in common.
This should be one sentence. "He asked" is combined with the dialogue, as is any other instance of this happening in your story. Simply uncapitalize the pronouns after your dialogue ends.
Speaking of pronouns, you don't have to continue using them after a character's name is given. While you should never constantly refer to a character by their name, you should also refrain from constantly referring to a character by pronouns. I would suggest a mix of both, calling your OC both by his name and by pronouns.
Other than that, I found some simple errors that would be better off being fixed.
You're missing periods here.
"Run" should not be capitalized.
"Push" should be "pushed".
"Flinched" should be "flinch". Also, don't use two similar pronouns referring to different people in the same sentence.
That's better.
I think you get the picture. The errors don't make the story unreadable, but they do detract from it. If at all possible, I may suggest fixing the errors I pointed out, as well as finding someone to help you in proofreading the later chapters of your story.
Other than that, I didn't really see anything wrong with it.
-Temperance, the Guileless Philosopher
Oh, I forgot to fix the mistakes I made before entering it. But I have a friend who is helping fix them now.
1700292
I just redid the entire chapter. Thanks for the help!
If anyone wants to help me edit, just send me a message. I need editors.