After Twilight was doing research in the Everfree forest, she stumbles upon a piece of evidence that leads her on a path to a whole new discovery. She is on her way to figure out what is behind this clue.
Chapters (5)
SailorBrony
Joined 5th Jul, 2012 ·
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Yo. Try discovering spaces or useful synopses.
The Human in Equestria thing isn't exactly new, but I won't hold that against you. However, I did notice some errors, for example:
"Knows" is a form of the word "know", a present tense verb, which would indicate the story is taking place in the present when not being articulated by a character in-story. Other sentences in your story indicate that the story takes place in the past. I would suggest changing that, if at all possible.
Much better.
This and many of your other pieces of dialogue throughout the story have a problem in common.
This should be one sentence. "He asked" is combined with the dialogue, as is any other instance of this happening in your story. Simply uncapitalize the pronouns after your dialogue ends.
Speaking of pronouns, you don't have to continue using them after a character's name is given. While you should never constantly refer to a character by their name, you should also refrain from constantly referring to a character by pronouns. I would suggest a mix of both, calling your OC both by his name and by pronouns.
Other than that, I found some simple errors that would be better off being fixed.
You're missing periods here.
"Run" should not be capitalized.
"Push" should be "pushed".
"Flinched" should be "flinch". Also, don't use two similar pronouns referring to different people in the same sentence.
That's better.
I think you get the picture. The errors don't make the story unreadable, but they do detract from it. If at all possible, I may suggest fixing the errors I pointed out, as well as finding someone to help you in proofreading the later chapters of your story.
Other than that, I didn't really see anything wrong with it.
-Temperance, the Guileless Philosopher
Oh, I forgot to fix the mistakes I made before entering it. But I have a friend who is helping fix them now.
1700292
I just redid the entire chapter. Thanks for the help!
If anyone wants to help me edit, just send me a message. I need editors.
I tried to catch mistakes that I didn't see through Microsoft Word, I know that Word doesn't get everything, so I probably have some mistakes in there. My friend has been busy unfortunately so I have no editors. Oh well! I hope you like it!
i know that I have 2x more dislikes than i do likes, but I am going to keep putting chapters up. I really want this story to pull through.
1726371
That's a good attitude to keep. Just remember, improve. And get proof readers as well. They really help you out.
Just put a like on your story
1726371 The way I see it there a three reasons why this has slightly more dislikes than likes.
1: The spelling and grammar stumbles in places.
2: The plot seems to be moving a tad too fast.
3: You mentioned the first episode(s) of the third series.
1729989
I love to see people like my things that I create! It's you and everyone like you that keep me writing!
Thank you! I am trying to learn more about writing and improve. I listen and try to understand what my writing classes are teaching me!
1730159
Thank you!
1732799
Thanks for the advice! I try to listen to what I do wrong and fix the problems!
MNSLFP?
1775666
Yeah, My New Strange Looking Friend Party!
I support everything your editor has said.