Bullies
By SilverLuck36
Chapter 1
The Thing About Griffons
I yawned as I awoke from my good nights sleep, I stretched my wings as I got out of bed. As i opened my curtains The View of Ponyville filled my window In the distance i could see Sweet Apple Acres, closer to town I could see the large tree which housed the town library, Next to that was Sugar Cube Corner. As I gazed over Ponyville i saw a strange cloud house off in the distance it reminded me of home, of Cloudsdale. I snapped out of my Trance and went downstairs to begin my day.
That afternoon I was on my way home when all of a sudden I noticed a large group of ponies. As I came closer i heard somepony yelling, finally I broke through the crowd and what I saw displeased me. Standing there was a Griffon in front of it was a small yellow Pegasus with a pink mane, the griffon was yelling at the small pony, the mare looked terrified. I recognized the mare from somewhere i racked my memory trying to remember, then i saw her cutie mark a trio of butterflys, and this something clicked inside my head. Flight school i thought then it all came back to me The bullies the fall the sonic rainboom and when I got my cutie mark. I sighed as i thought to my self "some things never change". I stepped forward "HEY BIRD BRAINS" I yelled at the griffon, the griffon turned around and looked at me. "excuse me" she said. "why don't you leave the lady alone" I said as I moved in front of the yellow mare. "oh why don't you make me" she said swinging her claw at me. I ducked "now lets not make this messy" I said and of course griffons being the impulsive creatures that they are did exactly the opposite, she charged me. I sighed as I turned around and bucked as hard as I could. "WHAM" she went flying straight into a wall. I turned to the yellow mare, "you all right" I asked she shook her head yes, "say whats your name" I said. She was about to reply when suddenly the look of terror appeared on her face again. it only took a split second for me to realize what scared her, "oh Buc-" I never finished my sentence cause at that moment I was slammed and was sent skimming across the ground. I got up and wiped my mouth blood stained on my fur, now i was angry, I smiled "griffon you just messed with the wrong pony" I said then I charged.
It was a short fight but it was brutal, when it was over the griffon had a black eye and had patches of feathers missing all over her body, "i will get ya back for this mark my words you measly pony" she yelled, then she flew off. the crowed cheered I limped over to the yellow mare "that wasn't so bad" i said then I blacked out.
FIRST OF THEM ALL
I do like the premise, but you have a fair amount of errors that get in the way of a potential favorite. Slow down, try to revise paragraphs so they're longer and detailed, maybe get an editor to help weed out those pesky problems. And for the love of Celestia, please try to make your chapters 1,000 words or more.
1689772
AUGH I WAS SO CLOSE
1689776 ok thx for feed back but i am going for a short story style
1690380 ... no offense but what are ya the story police oh and this is just a short story run i am not going for a professional story at least not yet not until i get a real editor.
1690172
If you're going for that type of story, carry on then.
thats the best way to go short story first then professional story next very good won't rate till it gets further