Trixie & The Haberdasher's Dungeon

by SneakyKGB

Trixie's Royal Pains

Chapter Four: Trixie’s Royal Pains

“...and furthermore! Playing a half-gargoyle merman in a setting that takes place neither in the ocean, nor a Dark Expanse, is a huge waste of everypony's time, especially Trixie's!” a frazzled azure mare exclaimed, storming out of Socks' living room.

“'Ey, I was joking,” came the northerner’s response. “At least get me a slice while you're up, will ya?”

The northerner in question was a local unicorn who went by the name Donut Joe. As his name suggested Joe was a maker of confections, he even owned a diner on the other side of the city, which specialized in the sugary dough rings he was named for. At first he seemed likable, confident yet humbly spoken. Then again he was also gruff, messy, and had no regard for personal space. The biggest atrocity, however, was how lightly he took Age of Nightmare. From the moment Joe had walked in he had been joking around with Knee Socks and Topstitch, acting as though they were there for some sort of social experiment. Trixie was the only one among them who’d dedicated those crucial pre-game moments to strategizing.

Trixie walked back through the hall, a triangle of pizza—hay and seasoned pinecone toppings—dangling from her mouth. She now wore a ridiculous over-sized bright yellow Gatsby cap atop her head, the only hat which had even come close to matching the weight and feel of her old one. Nearly to her destination, she heard two heavy knocks on the door. The unicorn slowly turned her head to look at the door, gaze full of contempt. Trixie looked back into the living room for any sign the Socks was getting up, but he was still in his own world. Clenching her pizza firmly between her teeth, gently enough that she wouldn’t bite through and drop it, she reached with a hoof to open the door. A flash of lightning temporarily lit the porch as thunder boomed, causing Trixie to jump.

The pizza clamped in her jaws slipped and fell to the ground with a dull splat. Mwali stood on the other side of the door, shrouded again in his cloak. He opened his mouth to speak, but his words were lost at the murderous intent within Trixie’s eyes. The mare said nothing, and for a moment they both stared down at the wasted food at her hooves. When she looked back up her half-lidded eyes and the gentle shake of her head made it seem like she might slam the door in his face. The awkward silence stretched between them as Mwali’s cloak slowly took on more and more water, chilling the zebra to the bone. It quickly became too much to take.

“Is this... where Knee Socks lives?” the zebra asked.

Trixie glowered a little longer before replying, “For costing Trixie her dinner, you deserve to be left outside to freeze. Enter, but be aware that you're now in Trixie's debt and Trixie charges interest on all owed favors, non-negotiable.”

The zebra chuckled a little, but stopped when he saw her serious expression. Mwali was taken aback, but he got the idea that he should play along. “I-I understand,” he said, “it was clumsy of me. I will be of service to you however I can.”

Trixie scoffed loudly, “Of course you will, stop repeating what Trixie says and shut the door.” The mare moved out of his path, allowing Mwali to step into the entryway and drip a small pool on Socks’ floor.

Without another word Trixie turned and disappeared within the kitchen again. The zebra stared after her in confusion before turning to close the door. A coat-rack hanging nearby caught his attention. Figuring that it was the polite thing to do he shed his cloak and hung it there, still dripping. Against his better instincts he also removed his warshoes, the iron-plated boots had little usefulness in Canterlot. Trixie had not returned yet, causing Mwali to wonder whether he should simply explore for himself. The zebra shook off what must’ve been the strangest introduction he’d ever experienced and followed the sound of voices towards the living room.

The living room looked like it had been converted into a war chamber. A long folding table had been laid out and was already covered in papers, pens, and books galore. Socks had laid out his game board, along with a small army of metallic figurines. Donut Joe, a light amber colored stallion with a shaggy orange mane and lazy green eyes, sat on one side.He was scanning through Age of Nightmares 2nd Edition: A Player’s Resource. Across from Joe sat a bespectacled Topstitch, engrossed in conversation with their dungeon master and admiring the shiny emerald dice between them.

Socks looked up in time to see the striped equine enter the room. “Ah! Guest of honor,” he exclaimed. “I'm so glad you could make it!”

Greetings were exchanged. Mwali found a spot beside Joe and scanned the papers on the table with a perplexed expression. The papers were mostly notes, information on the various skills, races, and items available in the game, copied down from the guidebooks as a quick reference. Mwali was somewhat lost amidst all the information. He knew that the first step was to create a character, but he wasn’t quite sure where to begin. He was, however, very aware of the three ponies staring at him since he had entered the room.

“A zebra, eh?” said Donut Joe, “Now I feel under-dressed, lookin' at those stripes.” He plucked at the white chef’s jacket he wore to emphasize, it still had sprinkles stuck to some parts of it.

“My apologies...” Mwali replied, taking it as a jeer, rather than the compliment it had been intended as.

Topstitch arched an eyebrow at the subdued response. He noticed Mwali’s lost demeanor as he sifted through the mess on the table. The seamster scooped up a blank form and floated it over to the zebra with magic, setting it down before him. “Sorry about the clutter,” he said, “Socks and Trixie are disaster experts. You can start here, there’s a list of classes somewhere, Joe can lend you that guide if you need more information.”

“Oh,” Joe offered the book quickly, “I wasn’t really readin’ anyways. Here ya go.”

Mwali began to thank him when Socks cut between the two of them, yanking the book away. He clapped Mwali on the foreleg heartily and said, “Boring stuff, Topstitch, Mwali’s played before, he doesn’t need any of this nonsense. I only brought all this out for the new players like you, and Joe.” Socks turned to face the zebra directly and said, “All you need to know is that we’re about to embark on an excursion into the realm of imagination, my friend... that, and there’s pizza in the kitchen if you’re hungry.”

Topstitch rolled his eyes, “Get back to your secret lair, dungeon master.” Socks obliged with a chuckle, disappearing behind his book wall.

Mwali grimaced as his lifeline was taken away. “I can make due on my own, I suppose. Though it’d be faster if I had those,” he grumbled.

“Great, you can lend me a hand then,” said Joe, “I can't tell sprinkles from stones with this stuff. Been ages since I played a good RPG.”

The haberdasher chortled behind his fortress, “Ah, yes, Joe was saying that he's been on a binge with trading card games. Not quite the same thing, but he’s a good sport for coming back to the dark side.”

“I'm a sucker for collectibles,” the donut expert explained. A moment later he'd pulled a few cards from the collar of his jacket. “See for y'self, I think I've got the rarest cards in the city by now. Sundae Best’s got nothing on my deck.”

The cards were all backed by the same image: a blue background with a picture of a large muffin crossed by two mixers, the letters B.B. were stamped beneath that. Unbeknownst to most of those at the table Baked Bads was one of the most popular trading card games in Canterlot. Joe proudly fanned out an assortment of cards ranging from effect cards like Salt Miasma and Mech Funnel to deadly entrée cards such as the rare Red-Wine Blackened Dragon. Each card had appropriate art and a listing of their attributes and effects. The other stallions feigned polite astonishment, the significance of the cards completely lost on them.

“You guys need to broaden your horizons,” Joe continued, seeing right through their faked interest. “Heck, I'll teach ya. I may be better at card games than I am at makin' donuts.” Joe nodded, indicating the pink frosting donut on his flank. “Sometimes I wonder if I missed my calling,” he joked.

“There's quite a lot to read here...” Mwali commented as he looked down a list of alternate races scribbled on a napkin.

Joe leaned onto the table and said, “Half-gargoyle is the way to go, if you ask me.” The stallion caught a smirk from Topstitch before returning to his seat.

From the entryway a shadow was watching over them. Trixie was, again, making use of her unparalleled stealth skills to observe her comrades in their natural habitat. In particular, she watched Mwali. The zebra's unique appearance had drawn the attention of everyone in the room, he was a worse showboat than even the overdressed Knee Socks, without trying. Trixie knew he couldn't be trusted. More disturbing was the fact that Donut Joe and Mwali probably knew less about the game between the two of them than her tail did on its own.

“Trixie will not lose to that insufferable hatter because her allies don't know their flanks from their fire drakes,” she grumbled in a whisper. “Of course, Trixie expected nothing less than being forced to lead this misguided herd of hooligans. By the time Trixie is done with this sorry group they'll be a team under her glorious leadership! Team Trixie!”

A loud cough sounded from the living room. “Trixie?” Topstitch called, “Are you going to come finish your character sheet?”

“W-what?” Trixie was startled by the sudden interruption of her monologue. “Of course! Were you spying on Trixie!?”

“You make it difficult not to... you've got a great and powerful thinking-out-loud voice.” Topstitch said, smiling sympathetically.

There was another knock at the door. Trixie stared back at the front door and then towards Sock’s fortress, waiting for him to get up and greet the newcomer. Just as before, there was no sign that he had reacted in any way. Topstitch looked expectantly at the mare while Mwali glanced, confused, between Trixie and Socks.

“Bah!” Trixie exclaimed, turning away from the staring stallions and retreating back to the entry. “This is the second time Trixie's been forced to greet your guests!”

“I'll get an intercom installed next time,” Socks shouted back, “in the meantime, just try your best to seem like a humble mortal.”

Still disgruntled, she opened the door. Lightning flashed and thunder rolled, a pair of eyes flashed bright white against the darkness. Trixie lurched backwards, away from the imposing hooded figure that stood in the pouring rain. A small squeak escaped her lips. The weather must have had some sort of vendetta against Trixie, because it resumed its normal quiet raining as soon as she had recovered. She made a note to add weather to her list of enemies.

“Didn't Trixie already let you in?!” the unicorn shrieked, her voice the last thing to regain control.

The figure retreated a step, when she spoke Trixie recognized her voice as feminine. Although she spoke softly, her tone was stiff and formal, “We have... already arrived? This is Our first time upon this porch. Thou must be mistaken.”

Trixie peered at the stranger as if wondering if she had brain damage. She replied hurriedly, “N-no, Trixie only meant... someone who looks like you.”

The newcomer was at least twice her height. A mare, though? Had Socks rounded up the strangest bunch of freaks he could find - Trixie excluded, of course. On second thought, that was probably exactly what the haberdasher had done. There were probably fliers all over Canterlot proclaiming, “Freaks welcome! Come play a game with the circus of madponies.” Suddenly Trixie wasn't sure whether she should've been insulted to be weird enough that she was welcome in his home. So preoccupied by this, Trixie hadn’t thought to welcome the stranger inside yet.

The newcomer, freezing on the doorstep, broke her concentration, “We do not understand, is this not the home of Knee Socks?”

“It is,” Trixie replied.

Unimpressed with her less-than-helpful answer, the mare asked, “And you are his wife-”

With a jolt of magic the door slammed shut. The hooded mare was locked outside in the rain. Somewhere from the living room Socks asked who it had been. Trixie was halfway through a made up excuse when there were another few raps on the door. Sighing angrily, the showmare turned around and swung the door inwards once more. The hooded mare still stood there, although considerably more flustered and surprised than before.

“We misunderstood, you are his mistress then-

SLAM! The rack on the wall shook, dislodging a bowler that fell to the floor. Trixie could hear rustling from the adjacent room as Socks came to investigate, but not before three more knocks sounded against the door. These were far louder and more irritated, but Trixie's indignation had escalated with them. The unicorn opened the door a third time, preparing to give the mare a mouthful, only to be blasted backwards by a force she hadn't been prepared for. The world around her was enveloped in sound. Trixie was only aware of a booming voice and the hallway rushing past her in reverse.

“THOU WOULD BE WISE NOT TO REPEAT THINE ACTIONS, WE COMETH UNTO YOUR ABODE WITH HONEST INTENT. HOWEVER, WE DEMAND TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AS BEFITS OUR ROYAL STATUS.”

At the other end of the hallway Trixie was seeing stars. Looking up, the mare recovered her Gatsby from where it had fallen beside her. The mare in the doorway stepped over the threshold and out of the rain. The door closed behind her with a snap, guided by magic. Trixie wasn’t sure what sort of spell the newcomer had used to bowl her over, but she refused to be intimidated. Teeth gritted and brows held at a dangerous slant, Trixie got to her hooves and rounded on the stranger.

“How dare you! One does not simply shout at The Great and Powerful Trixie. She, who has single-hoofedly vanquished an Ursa Major, saved countless small children from rampaging vamponies, and flawlessly executed a god-tier Age of Nightmare campaign with a fractured horn. Do you know how difficult it is to roll dice with a fractured horn?! Who do you think you are to challenge one so magnificent as Trixie?”

The mare pulled back her hood. Her coat was midnight, and her mane flowed as a spectrum of every color the night sky at any given hour. Stars twinkled within its ethereal depths. Dark cyan eyes bored into Trixie’s own, they spoke volumes about their owner. More than a millennium’s worth of knowledge was stored within them, as well as the regal authority she had earned throughout her long lifetime. It almost seemed unnecessary to look any longer, to see her magnificent wings folded against her slim form or the tall horn that set her apart from any simple pegasus. Trixie’s eyes were locked on the small black tiara atop the alicorn’s head.

Trixie’s knees buckled beneath her. She fell back on her flank with an expression of pure shock and terror. As Luna stepped towards her, looming like some nightmare angel, an unnatural scream reached Trixie’s lips, “Topstiiitch, HELP MEEE.”

Luna’s eyes widened in shock and then confusion. A cacophony of noises came from the living room, Joe shouted something about being careful and fast-approaching hooves followed. The princess of the night took a step backwards, holding up a hoof as if unsure whether to help or not. Trixie was still screaming when Topstitch appeared in the archway, glasses askew and mane disheveled. It was the first time in over a decade he’d heard Trixie admit that she needed help, which was cause enough to believe she was about to have her head lopped off. When, instead of an axe-wielding murderer, he saw the sovereign of the moon and stars he wasn’t sure how to react.

“P-Princess! What are you doing here?” he stammered, falling clumsily into a bow.

There was another scream. This one contorted into a wail of delight, announcing the arrival of Knee Socks. The haberdasher was on his hind legs, hopping from side to side with uncontainable excitement. “You're the mystery guest! You're the last player! This is too much, I can't bear it!” he exclaimed, rushing forwards to kiss the ground at the princess's hooves.

“W-We are sorry!” Princess Luna said, stiffness left behind as an anxious desperation entered her voice. “We did not mean to cause alarm, please, may we try again?”

There was a loud squeak, a delayed shout of surprise, and then Joe was there as well. The confectioner had slipped and barreled into the hallway, tripping over Topstitch and landing on his belly with his legs splayed in all directions. The donut maker looked up dimly at the remorseful princess and could only say, “Holy dough rings!”

Trixie was still paralyzed, her expression frozen in horror. She had only just managed to stop screaming, having run out of air. Had she really just insulted Princess Luna? A royal alicorn, patron saint of the moon and the night, the one formerly known as Nightmare Moon, a goddess in her own right. Nothing was adding up, she tried to count to ten to ease her mind but somehow an eleven crept into her thoughts and then an 'E' and several 'R's that had no business pretending to be numbers in the first place. Trixie tried to make sense of the situation, when a revelation hit her.

“...Trixie just shouted at a monarch,” the awestruck mare mumbled, barely over a whisper. “Trixie is... truly... the greatest, boldest, most imperceptibly amazing and talented unicorn... who ever lived! Hah!”

In a second she was on her hooves. Trixie reared up, reaching for the heavens themselves as she unleashed a long cackle that had been building up in her breast. The laugh drew the eyes of all in the hallway, and it showed no signs of stopping. Suddenly Trixie had no mind for the house around her, in her world she was soaring atop her griffon in the clouds, traversing the land as nopony besides herself had dared to travel. It was liberating without compare, and more fulfilling than she could dream. Just wait until she used that in her next act, Trixie, who shouted in the face of deities and lived to tell the tale.

“Y-your Highness, Princess Luna, why are you here?” Topstitch asked, not quite believing the situation.

Joe waved a hoof in front of Trixie’s face, somewhat frightened of her cackling. She didn’t even react.

The princess had to speak over Trixie’s fit, “We- I mean, I, wish to join in your game. I have long had an interest in the concept of role-play, however my sister finds herself likewise inexperienced in the matter. She suggested that I join the ponies of Canterlot instead...”

“I couldn't possibly say no!” whimpered Knee Socks, still laying on the ground before her. He was practically drooling on the floor, already laying in a puddle that had dripped off of Luna’s cloak.

In the light of all that had happened in such a short time, Luna began to doubt her sister’s advice. She knew that there were strange ponies in Equestria, colorful in ways other than their pastel coats, but this was pushing it. Socks was crying, Trixie was laughing, Donut Joe was poking Trixie’s cheek as if she might deflate like a balloon. All this and still they hadn’t looked past her royal bearing. Celestia always encouraged her to seek out new friendships, but Luna thought that her sister didn’t truly appreciate how difficult that was when other ponies felt compelled to bow, or scream, when they saw her.

“D-do you know what Age of Nightmare is about?” Topstitch asked.

The princess nodded, “It is the people's interpretation of what should have followed had Nightmare Moon triumphed over my sister a thousand years ago. It is also my wish to familiarize myself with the myths surrounding Nightmare Moon and my absence. Celestia thought it wise to begin at the furthest extreme of its manifestation: the fictional reimagining.”

“Excuse me?” Trixie replied, abruptly snapping out of her insanity and falling on all fours to stare down the royal guest. “You mean to imply to Trixie you've never even played Nightmare before?”

“I've been away for some time,” Luna replied pseudo-apologetically, adding curtly, “I have not had time to experience many of the games played by today’s Equestria. Rest assured, though, for I am a quick learner.”

The unicorn gave a yell of frustration and departed the group. They stared blankly after her. Nothing was going the way Trixie had hoped, her elation at having stood up to a goddess was quickly burning away. She stomped back into the living room, ignoring Mwali’s stare. The zebra had hardly shifted an inch despite all the commotion, but he was smiling at her as she reentered the room. Trixie threw herself onto the cushion she had claimed earlier, levitated a quill to the character form in front of her, and set back to work wordlessly.

The others followed soon after, with a hesitant Luna on their heels. Topstitch gave Trixie a friendly pat on the top of her Gatsby, causing her to stick out her tongue sourly as he took his seat again, still shaky from the sudden events. Luna was shepherded to the seat on Trixie’s right, and immediately had an empty character sheet shoved under her muzzle. The princess glanced at Trixie just in time to catch the azure mare’s heated look before the unicorn’s eyes locked back onto her paper. Luna risked a tense wave at the others, wondering if she should introduce herself formally or not.

Knee Socks soon arrived back a the head of the table to solve her quandary. The earth pony stood on his hind legs and banged on the table to grab their attention. “Mares and gentle-stallions,” the haberdasher called, “Allow me to properly introduce Her Royal Highness, Princess Luna! It seems my reputation – no surprises here – attracted her eye and she's along for the ride, play nicely and no one goes to the Canterlot dungeon.”

Luna’s lip quivered. That wasn’t exactly the introduction she had hoped for.

After a moment's hesitation Joe reached across the table to shake hooves, “It's an honor to meet you, Your Highness, I'm Donut Joe and I'll just say my donuts are the best in Canterlot. If you're ever hankering for a sugary morsel I'll fix you up our special, on the house.” Joe beamed, imagining the business boom that would bring.

“My name is Mwali,” said the zebra to Joe’s right. He also reached across the table to shake, a smirk playing on his face. “I didn’t expect to meet royalty.”

Taking a deep breath Luna shook the hooves of both players in turn. Introductions went smoothly from there, Topstitch followed, introducing himself and Trixie both, and explained that she was visiting the city. Socks elaborated on himself, telling them about his shop and glossing over his extensive history as a dungeon master. The more at ease Luna became the more foul Trixie’s mood grew, once again they had all been distracted from the main point of their gathering, and it was only getting later and later in the evening.

It seemed Socks had noticed the time too. Once everyone was settled he led by example and sat to quietly finish his work, prompting the others to do the same. Topstitch became Luna’s impromptu handler, assisting the princess in making sense of the copious amounts of information on the table before them. Joe and Mwali likewise were conspiring on their characters, the former shooting teasing looks at Trixie whenever she made a disgruntled noise at one of his suggestions or jokes. Little by little they were all inching towards completion.

Eventually Topstitch, who seemed done with his character, broke the silence. “What’ve you two come up with?” he asked, indicating Joe and Mwali’s sheets.

“I'm thinkin' a fighter,” Joe said, chewing on a pen as he eyed the sheet before him. “If I take these 'hex' things I can use magic as an earth pony too.”

Trixie sighed, chewing on the tip of her quill as she replied, “If you take the spellsword specialization instead you’ll get a natural bonus to combat magic. Furthermore, if you take a feat in battle nerves the modifier to your attack applies to rolls for magic checks as well.”

Across the table Topstitch stared at her, nonplussed and surprised by her helpful reply. As much as Trixie hated that she was the only one who seemed serious about doing well, she wasn’t going to take it out on the others by withholding tips. Her sole hope of beating Socks at his own game and proving who was the better Nightmare player lay in the hooves of the four novices surrounding her. At her suggestion Joe looked down at a slip of paper beside him, double-checking what she had said and eventually giving an affirming grunt and crossing something off of his character sheet.

The mare ignored him, looking to Mwali next. The zebra was pointedly staring at his own sheet, avoiding Topstitch’s question. Trixie cleared her throat and prodded him with the tip of her quill. Mwali jumped, looking up in time to see her resigned expression. “Trixie supposes you haven't got a clue what you're doing either,” she said, regarding him wryly. “Out with it, Trixie will gladly correct your mistakes.”

“I picked the illusionist class?” said Mwali, phrasing his statement as if it were a question.

Trixie offered him a dry blink as she considered his words. Thoughts composed, she replied, “Normally Trixie would say that's a waste of time... but you’re already an extra party member. So long as the others fill out their roles, an illusionist could come in handy, so you’re not completely wrong. Trixie would recommend taking a feat in martial weapons, however. Illusionists are notoriously pathetic in combat.”

Socks coughed loudly, drawing her gaze, “Trix, sweetheart, would you mind letting them pick for themselves?”

“Trixie,” she emphasized, “isn't forcing them to do anything. It only makes sense that Trixie should oversee the others, as she is clearly the most talented player here.”

Socks grinned despite himself, the haberdasher sank back behind his divider without another word. Against his better instincts he allowed Trixie to offer her advice as the others worked on their characters. Once she’d been given a little slack and the opportunity to show off Trixie even began to enjoy the company of her cohorts. With Trixie micromanaging everyone else they got done much more quickly as well. Time flew, and Socks was glad to see that everyone was enjoying themselves a little more than before.

Once they were all prepared Socks stood, beckoning for their ears. The others politely finished what they were doing and dropped their writing utensils. Socks began boisterously, “Now that we’re all settled in, it’s about time we get started. Things are running a little late, but I’ll ease you into it. First thing’s first, the house rules: 1.) If Trixie bullies you, you have my permission to unleash divine retribution upon her,” Socks eyed Luna in particular at this. The princess smirked and nodded. “2.) If Trixie tries to kill you, in-game or out, she gets an instant time-out.”

Trixie tapped her hoof impatiently, “Do all your house rules have to do with Trixie?”

“Rule 3.) Refreshments and snacks are Trixie’s responsibility to fetch. And that’s all I’ve got on rules.” Socks winked down the table.

“That’s not fair!” Trixie barked, banging a hoof on the table.

Socks went on heedlessly, “I'd like everyone to introduce themselves, in-character, before we get started. Trixie, I'm sure you're just tickled at the thought of showing off sooo,” Trixie leaned forwards, gathering up her character sheet and a few other papers. As she opened her mouth Socks finished, “Mwali goes first! We'll go 'round the table from there.”

The showmare huffed, relaxing back on her cushion, “Have your fun! Trixie will enjoy having the last laugh either way.”

The zebra had chosen an illusionist named Volikhar, who had been run out of his home by Nightmare soldiers and was forced to hide in the forests. The others clapped politely after Mwali’s short introduction, and Joe stood to take his turn. Donut Joe was playing an earth pony spellsword by the name of Splinty Wiggledorf. Joe went on to explain that he had been the bodyguard of one of the lords within Nightmare Moon’s court. Eventually Splinty was excommunicated for insubordination, escaping capture and taking up adventuring in his spare time in hopes of atoning for what he’d done. The others clapped again.

Topstitch was playing a unicorn by the name of Barbas Shortsnout. He had been a healer who worked for the Nightmarist regime, like Trixie. However, after witnessing the atrocities of their acts he sought to leave them and join the rebellion. When he was found out Barbas had his horn snapped so that he couldn’t use magic ever again. Nevertheless, he traveled into the woods and familiarized himself with the natural remedies of the world and began supporting the rebellion as both a ranger and a doctor.

Trixie rolled her eyes at them, clapping half-heartedly. Typical, everyone wanted to play some sort of victim of Nightmare Moon’s rule. Never thinking outside the box, well, Trixie would solve that disturbing trend. Luna was next up, she stood to introduce her character, ‘Lady Lunamoon’ was a knight who had been a young child during the final days of Celestia’s rule. As Lunamoon grew up in the twisted world of Nightmare Equestria she vowed to do her part in restoring the land and protecting the ponies within it. Predictably, she was a member of the rebellion as well. There was something else wrong, however.

“Wait a moment,” Trixie interrupted, shoving her character sheet up against Luna’s nose. “You copied the name of Trixie’s character!”

Luna read the document before her, innocence plain on her features. Finishing her read, she pushed the document away with her magic, “Thou art mistaken, Great and Powerful Trixie, thy character is ‘Lulamoon’ whereas Ours is ‘Lunamoon’. We forgive thee for thine accusation, however.”

Trixie was broiling. The princess had to be toying with her, though she appreciated the use of her full title. “They’re only one letter apart!” Trixie complained, “My character’s name has been filled out since the moment I got here, it’s the name Trixie always uses!”

“We are sorry if thou thinkest it was Us who stole thy name, but We merely picked the first name to come to Us. Lulamoon is a fine name, and We believe that there will be no mistaking the two characters.” Luna smiled kindly, obviously thinking that was the end of it.

Topstitch, knowing Trixie better, attempted to waylay the next step of the argument. “Trixie, why don’t you tell us Lulamoon’s story?” he asked.

“Silence, traitor!” squawked Trixie, “I, Countess Lulamoon de Fleur Mariotte, am a high ranking battlemage within the Nightmare Court! The rebellion is nothing but trash to one with status such as mine. I was born on the same night that Nightmare Moon came to power, the catalyst behind the greatest magical phenomenon of the era. Imbued with her nightmare magic, I became an instant prodigy and was swiftly taken from my home to be groomed as one of her lieutenants. Though I have yet to attain the highest level of unicorn magic, it is only a matter of time before I destroy the ridiculous rebellion and take my place as Nightmare Moon’s chief general.”

There was a long pause as Trixie stared them each down in turn. Socks smacked his face with his hoof. He realized that he really should’ve paid more attention to what each of them was doing with their characters.

Princess Luna banged on the table with such force as to leave a dent. “Thou art an agent of the Nightmare Court? Then thou art Our sworn enemy, and a tyrant over all Equestria. Tell Us, Great and Powerful Lulamoon, is this the truth?”

“... Wut?” said Socks.

“Oh please,” Trixie replied, adopting an aristocratic accent, “I have been with a Nightmarist since the day I was born! It was your own choice to join the rabble and tempt your own doom.”

Luna narrowed her eyes, “Some ponies do not bow before tyranny! We value honor, and fight against those who would oppress the freedom of Our people,” the princess took a deep breath and bellowed in her royal voice, “THE REBELLION SHALL BE VICTORIOUS!”

Trixie fixed her now windswept mane and snorted, “Obviously your 'Lunamoon' lacks adaptability. Anypony can see that the rebellion is a hopeless sham, they don’t even gain a proper foothold against the Nightmarists until the Tartarus Unleashed expansion.”

“Thou speaketh visions of the future, witch of the Nightmare Court. We shall see thee burned when thy regime falls!”

The others watched in utter astonishment. Trixie and Luna were now nearly butting heads, further spats of roleplayed malice flying between them. Socks knew he should break them up, but it seemed like a shame to end it now that they were finally getting into the swing of things. Instead it was Topstitch who wedged himself between the two of them. The stallion regarded Trixie as though she were insane, and Luna with simple bewilderment. He never would have expected the princess to be so easily carried away by a game.

“Good character, Trixie,” Topstitch said, clapping quickly and hoping to move them onwards. “Let’s calm down and let Socks have the floor.”

“Sheesh,” said Joe, “Trix, you’ve got your character down to an art.”

“It's Trixie! But thank you, Lulamoon appreciates your appreciation,” Trixie gushed.

“Okay, okay!” Socks chided, “Let's get moving along, fillies, lots to do here. We all know each other, moving along.”

Trixie settled back into her seat, making a slashing gesture across her throat and jabbing a hoof at Luna. The princess recoiled, looking around as if there were someone over her shoulder. After a moment's hesitation she raised her hooves, held them within an inch of each other, and smashed them together. As Luna ground the bottoms of her hooves together she glowered at Trixie before pointing back at her. Not to be outdone, Trixie mimed a noose being tied around her neck and lolled her tongue out of her mouth dumbly before pointing at the princess again. Luna's brow curved downwards and she began to shake visibly as she acted out with her hooves a pony walking pleasantly along before plummeting off a steep cliff. Luna jabbed her hoof back at Trixie.

Topstitch cleared his throat loudly. Trixie looked at him, halfway through miming a sea of flames that would engulf Luna's body. The unicorn was waving her hooves like a madmare when she realized everyone was staring at the two of them again. Trixie returned her gaze to Luna, pointed sharply at her, and then turned away before the royal could retaliate.

“Right,” Topstitch muttered, plainly vexed, “Let’s get on with it, shall we?”

“Hear, hear!” Joe offered.

Socks heaved a sigh of relief. “You five are a hoot. Alright, everyone ready to start?”

A round of nods went around the table.

“Alright,” Socks cleared his throat and read from a stack of papers. “On a rainy night you find yourselves in the village Stars Hollow, taking refuge within the Two Laurels Tavern. You’ve all come here for your own reasons, but fate has brought you together. In the tavern the atmosphere is choked, and the patrons all cast nervous glances towards a contingent of heavily armored unicorns taking up most of the floor. The Nightmarists have been staying in the village for some time now, and you’ve each noticed them leading daily patrols into the nearby forests.” The haberdasher flipped a page, checked something, and continued, “Topstitch, your local knowledge skill means you’ve heard the rumors around town that a group of diamond dogs, based somewhere in the forest, have been troubling Stars Hallow.”

Trixie grumbled, “Trixie could’ve hoped for a more original opening...”

The haberdasher rolled his eyes and continued, “Classics are classic for a reason, my dear. The five of you are now free to act of your own will.”

Trixie opened her mouth to speak, only to be blocked out as Luna lunged into the air, raising her hoof like a school filly. She yelled, “It is Our intent to engage the Nightmarist soldiers in a duel of honor!”

The showmare growled, “In that case, Trixie- Lulamoon would like to support the Nightmarist soldiers, I will start by setting the tavern on fire with a creeping flame spell.”

A dull thud shook the table. Unbeknownst to the others, Socks had just let his head smack into the surface.

Joe's hoof inched towards his dice, “Soo, we're fighting right? I'm gonna help Lunamoon, since I left the Nightmarists and all.”

“I don’t think we’re fighting,” Topstitch replied as he rubbed his temple.

“We have rolled a thirteen!” Luna announced. Trixie moved her hoof to cover the eleven on her own azure-painted twenty-sided die.

Socks groaned, “We're not fighting. Lulamoon isn't working with the Nightmare soldiers. Luna, I'm afraid your character is still a little too weak to fight an entire platoon of trained fighters on your own... so let's try this again. You find yourselves in the tavern, utterly calm and not intending to start a fight or damage the property, aaand go.”

Trixie slumped forward onto her hooves, already prepared for the railroading of a lifetime.

---

A/N: I felt like this chapter was a little bit long-winded at parts. Kind of slow. To be honest, this is the streamlined version. I chopped out a lot of the introduction scene towards the end. Hopefully if you're not familiar with table-top RPGs like D&D, Pathfinder, and the like you're still with us. I promise we're getting to the nitty gritty fantasy adventure pretty soon. You won't have to worry much longer about 'feats' and stat bonuses and dice.

I still don't have a pre-reader, editor, anything of the like, so hopefully this isn't a disastropiece. I take care to fix what I can, but no one is perfect. If you see any flaws, point 'em out for me.

Thanks for sticking around! See you next chapter.

Comments

[Themaskedferret]

*waves* If you want a pre-reader I'm available and I like to think I'm not bad at it.

Nice chapter, I'm looking forward to seeing how things play out and definitely how Trixie and Mwali will interact with each other. I'm curious to see if she'll really start trying to boss him around and how he'll react.

[SneakyKGB]

1987298

You'll really appreciate the next chapter or three then! No spoilers.

Seriously though, thanks for sticking around. This story means a lot to me. And, yeah, I'll definitely hit you up with a PM if it gets to a point where I really need a pre-reader. If I can do it myself effectively then I'd rather not turn my fic into work for someone else. For now you're off the hook, free to just enjoy reading it. (Although sharing it around would be nice, if you know anyone who might be interested in reading. )

[Lateinshowing]

Whoooooo, lets get this trainwreck moving!
At first I thought Trixie would be just a minimaxi munchkin. Instead, she's just extremely passionate.

[SneakyKGB]

1994158

Thanks! That's something I really strive for, and sometimes I feel like I make things a little long-winded because of it. There's a story behind that, but I'll save it for another time.

1987722

I'm not sure whether or not to be insulted that you refer to it as a trainwreck!

[Lateinshowing]

1994728
Don't be, just a phrase. I meant it to describe how funny the next couple parts will be.

[SneakyKGB]

1995993

Haha, I was kidding. Thanks for the comment.

[Themaskedferret]

1987541 *blink blink* I offered to do work? I thought i was offering to read fic I love and then say how it could be awesomer or stay equally awesome no worries and I do my best to spread it about don't worry.

[SneakyKGB]

1998514

Oh man, telling me how things could be awesomer is a chore on its own. I can be a little closed-minded at times. Really do appreciate your enthusiasm though. You're first on the list if I need a hand.

[fanreader999999]

E for Effort