Chapter 1 The Mist: REWRITTEN
What World Is This?
By: Insane Leaf Sonata
<- ^ * ^ ->
PoV Aloe
As I walked out of the apartment that my sister Lotus and I shared, I realized just how boring the Spa has gotten over the month. New products weren’t going to come out anytime soon, the Summer Collections were already launched and the buzz about them has already worn off.
Maybe Lotus and I need to try something new.
I read in a Fashion and Beauty magazine this month that there were some new magic powered beauty products.
I showed Lotus, and all she said was, “That’s a wonderful idea Aloe!”
No surprise there. We even finish each others sentences sometimes, as creepy as that is.
The product spell said on the ad, “New therapeutic magic mist that rejuvenates you and clears out your pores, much like a modern sauna!”
The product also stated that this mist was supposed to be ten times more efficient than a sauna and could be used throughout the entire spa. Lotus expressed her doubt in saying, “That’s impossible, our sauna has the best feedback out of our entire spa’s treatments.”
“OK, so it takes three to four business days, and it’s already been two… AGH! I love Ponyville and it’s my home, but all the little things, from the country air to the late packages, still remind me of where Lotus and I come from.” I said to nopony in particular.
Oh how I miss Prance… I thought sadly.
I continued through my homesickness and ended up in the Ponyville market square, once again reminding me that this was Ponyville and not Prance. I walked over to the local café that was run by the town’s local historian, Lyra Heartstrings.
Lyra was rather good at her job as an archeologist, and she was also a pretty good cook and business pony to run a café as well, but to get into a conversation about her work with her was just idiotic. She would always go on about these mythical creatures called ‘humans’ and always saying how much more advanced they were than us, how they walked on two legs, and were REALLY tall.
I ordered a simple coffee and scone; a mare needs energy to work all day, even if that energy came from caffeine.
I sat down at a table outside of the café, now happily munching away at my scone and sipping my coffee, and then I remembered a little piece of information that I mmmaaayyy have slightly overlooked, “It’s MAGIC mist! I’m going to need magic! Both my sister and I are earth ponies!”
“Alright, not a problem. Just take a deep breath Aloe, you can find a unicorn to help you do this.”
I have many options, but which unicorn could Lotus and I ask assistance from?
Certainly not Twilight Sparkle, she’s much too busy and not elegant enough.
Maybe I could ask Lyra…. No, she already has two jobs and I couldn’t bear to hear more of her ‘human’ stories.
Oh horseapples, I’m running out of options…. Oh! I know! I could ask Rarity!
“Rarity is a regular customer, and she would come every Wednesday to the Spa along with a timid, butter yellow pegasus.” I said to myself thoughtfully.
“Now, where can I find Rarity? Stupid Aloe! She’s obviously going to be at her boutique!” This time I facehoofed out of sheer stupidity.
“I really need to talk to myself less often…”
<-^*^->
I made my way over to the Boutique and ran into my sister Lotus on the way.
When I said I wanted to run into my sister, I didn’t mean it literally!
“Lotus, what happened to you?” I asked sympathetically.
“*Sniff *sniff, my coltfriend, *sniff, broke up with me.” She replied between sniffles from her now runny nose and tears streaming down her face.
“Oh don’t worry, he wasn’t good enough for you anyway.”
“Okay…. If you say so Aloe.” Lotus replied a little more upbeat than before.
“Don’t worry, I KNOW he wasn’t good enough for you.” I said to her with confidence.
“Thanks Aloe, you always know how to cheer me up.” Lotus got up from the ground where she was lying and turned to the Spa across town.
“Poor Lotus, she thought so highly of him too…”
OK, emotionally distressed sister aside, I need Rarity’s help.
I finally made it to the Fashion shop and knocked on the door awaiting the owner to answer.
“I’ll be there in one moment darling!” Replied a familiar voice from inside.
What is that noise? It sounds like construction equipment! What is she doing? Isn’t this a dress shop? Huh? Oh, it sounds like she’s done.
“Sweetie Belle, come back here right this instant!” Shouted Rarity, who had just emerged from the door, chasing three little fillies.
“Ummm, is this a bad a time?” I asked.
“Oh not at all darling, just my little sister and her friends tried to get their cutie marks in cooking… And they somehow got the idea that tree sap and construction equipment were a good idea.” She said with a sigh.
“Tree sap?” I asked out of curiosity.
“Yes, yes, tree sap. Don’t even ask of how they got the idea of using it.” The fashion pony replied.
“Uh, well, ok. Anyway, Lotus and I were wondering if you could help us with a slight problem we’re having at the Spa.”
“And what might that be?” She replied questioningly.
“Lotus and I needed something new for the Spa to attract more customers and it needs magic and since m sister and I are earth ponies we were wondering if-“ I was cut off by Rarity.
“Say no more Aloe, of course I’ll assist you and your sister with magic for your new attraction.” She replied.
“Oh thank you so much! You have no idea what this means to us! We’ll even give you free spa treatments for as long as you do this-“ once again I was cut off by Rarity.
“Think nothing of it dear, this is merely something I must do for two of my friends.”
“Oh thank you Rarity,” I said as I gave her a quick hug,” That’s so generous of you!”
“Well I’m not the element of generosity for nothing.” She said with the flip of her mane.
“Come with me to the Spa, let’s try to do this as quickly as possible, I want to see this new mist thing work!” I said with barely suppressed glee.
<-^*^->
One hour later
The mist spell had come during the time that I was gone in the morning; Lotus would’ve gotten me, if she weren’t busy eating ice cream with a shovel.
I can always count on first class Pegasus mail to arrive before the scheduled date!
“Hmm, this spell looks rather intricate, but I think I can do it. But I won’t just do the spell, as fashionista of Ponyville I will make this spell purposeful and beautiful!” Rarity said, saying her own promise to the Spa.
Rarity cast the mist spell and soon the entire Spa was cast in blanket of moisture.
“Wow! This is amazing! The mist isn’t even getting our equipment wet! Only us!” I shouted in amazement.
“Alright, now that I have that down, I’ll make this Spa rival the Spas from Canterlot to Trottingham!”
Exclaimed Rarity and her horn was soon encased in the glow of her magic.
The glow magnified several times before her horn started to spark slightly, making the two earth ponies in the room a little nervous.
“Uh, Rarity, it’s all right. All we needed was the mist! You’ve already done your job!” Lotus shouted over the humming of Rarity’s magic output.
“I- I don’t- I can’t control it anymore!-“ Was the last thing I heard before the three of us were enveloped in a shockwave of raw magic and everything faded to black.
Once the shockwave took the three mares away, there was an unsettling silence in the room that was broken by a mysterious, maniacal, chaotic laughing that slowly faded, at the same time so did the lavender smell that the mist had.
<-^*^->
The Human world, August 3rd, 2012
PoV Leif Alsaif
“Ugh, why is AP Calculus so hard!” I complained to my two best friends since middle school, Alex Xylot and Josh Underwood.
“Because it’s AP and Calculus. Add those two things together and you get the world’s most annoying math class in Quebec.” Replied Josh, having taken AP Calculus last year, same as me.
“I agree with Josh, I absolutely hated AP calculus when I took it two years ago over the summer.” Said Alex, always the star student and procrastinator, he could actual do work, when he wanted to that is.
“Don’t act so responsible, you know you only took that class over the summer because you needed it as a requirement for that economics course you wanted.” I replied with a little bit of annoyance entering my voice.
“Chill dude, lets forget about college for just a second. C’mon guys! It’s Summer vacation! And you know where to go for summer vacation?”
“Uh, road trip?” Said Alex.
“An entire day Call of Duty session owning all the campers and then watching a Lord of the Rings marathon?” I suggested.
“Watch My Little Pony?” Alex said, his second suggestion.
“Ugh! You Canadians are so weird! The Beach! It was so obvious! MLP can wait for one week. I already rented out the beach house and we’re going there. NOW!”
Josh said annoyed and started pushing us to our neighborhood.
We walked about another half hour away from the main city, and we ended up in the suburbs of Quebec and in front of our neighborhood.
It’s a nice, higher middle class place with almost exclusively three story houses, if you counted the basement. Which is where my game console is set up.
Alex and Josh ran off to their respective houses to start our, very quickly, planned beach vacation.
Alright, packing is finished, and I still have about five minutes before Alex and Josh come, so I might as well grab a quick soda.
So I made my way downstairs into the kitchen and found a note on the counter.
Huh, a note. I wonder who could’ve put a note here… I hope it isn’t some ransom letter that my parents were abducted by ninjas or something.
Dear Leif,
Your father and I will be away on business for the rest of the summer, don’t be sad, we’ll be back before college starts up again. Try not to have too many parties like last time! (You and I both know that didn’t end too well, now did it!)
Love, Mom
OK, no parents for a while, and it wasn’t because of ninjas. Thank God they increased my credit card limit since last time.
“NEVER AGAIN will I drink from the punch bowl at a party that had alcohol, chances are, the punch is alcoholic too.” I didn’t know that at the time though… And got drunk off my ass on punch.
I heard a knocking at the door, “Oh, guess they’re here already. I didn’t even get my soda… Oh well.”
I opened the door and an overly energized Alex was behind it, “Hey Leif, you ready to go?” Behind him was Josh in his BMW X5 idling in the driveway, honking the horn obnoxiously.
“Shut it Josh! I can hear you I’m coming, just let me lock the door! Jeez, that guy is more impatient than readers on FIMFiction.” I quietly laughed to myself, being one of those impatient readers as well.
Alex and I made our way back to Josh and I hopped into the backseat while Alex hopped into shotgun.
<-^*^->
After a short car ride full Linkin Park, Johnny Cash, and DeadMau5, we finally made it to the beach that was our destination.
“OK, now, let’s rock this beach!” shouted Josh as he jumped out of the driver’s seat and onto the hard asphalt of the parking lot.
“Josh! Come help with the luggage!” I shouted at Josh, then I added silently, “Especially since yours is what’s the problem anyway.”
The next four days passed without much excitement, only the occasional large wave that would wipe Josh out on with his surfboard and the extremely, and overly, competitive games of mini golf that we had every night.
“Alright guys, It’s been four days and all we’ve accomplished so far are watching Josh fail at surfing, watching Alex fail at picking up girls, and watching me fail in mini golf. So! How productive have we been!” I said to the three of us while standing over the two of them on the beach.
“Well, it certainly has been more productive than last time.”
“That doesn’t count! I was drunk and you know it!”
“I’m just saying….” His voice trailed off when everyone started to notice how foggy it’s gotten in the past few minutes.
“Wha?” Was all I could say, unable to form a coherent sentence.
Then, as quickly as it came, it disappeared; but not without leaving behind a little present, or three presents.
“What the Hell?” I said questioningly.
“I’m with Leif.” Agreed Josh.
“As am I…” Said Alex.
“OK, the mist is gone, but… now there…. Are…. Three naked… women… on the beach… WHAT THE HELL?!” I reiterated, shouting as I ended my confused statement.
“This is the best day ever.” Josh said slightly slack jawed, and smiling.
Alex didn’t reply, he just stared at the one with Purple hair like she was a Greek goddess.
“Alex! Stop staring!” I said to him, punching him in the arm.
“Oh. Sorry.” Was all Alex said.
“C’mon, these girls look like the need help, Alex, get the beach towels, they’ll need something to cover up. Josh, clean up and get the car. Let’s go!” I said with a leader like quality to it, this was a rare occurrence indeed, not the three naked girls on the beach, the fact that I just took a leadership role.
As we got the three girls and covered them up with our beach towels and Alex and I carried them back fireman style and took them back to the car that Josh had readied like I asked.
Must. Not. Get. Boner. While. Holding. Unconscious. Beautiful. Naked. Women!
Mission: Failed.
We got into the car and Josh drove as fast as (legally) possible back to the beach house and arrived at a track time of 3 minutes. We set the three girls onto the beds and then the three of us congregated in the living room to discuss the recent events.
“What just happened?” Josh said, breaking the silence.
“I honestly have no idea.” Is all I said to reply.
“When I was staring at that purple haired girl earlier-“
“When you were totally checkin’ her out?” Is what I said, interrupting him.
“NO! As I was saying, when I was looking at her earlier, I noticed she looked a lot like Rarity.”
“Now that you say that, the other two looked a lot like Aloe and Lotus, you know, from that episode with gabby gums when the crusaders were trying to get their cutie marks in journalism?” Is what Josh suggested.
“Are you guys honestly thinking these girls are ponies? This isn’t a fanfic.” Said Josh, always the realist.
“Well, let’s wait and see what happens when they wake up-“ I was cut off by three, almost simultaneous screams coming from the bedrooms.
“Well, I guess that means we won’t have to wait?” Said Josh over the screams.
Stats
Page generated in 0.021 seconds
Total duration
884 users online
1,225,130 hits today, 2,364,530 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
>Sees Discord in character tags
Well, that answers that question.
This story falls into the "telling, not showing" trap. It reads like a script.
Other than that, it looks resonable.
^ It's reasonable, but yeah.
It sounds like it has promise, but I'm not sure about the romance tag... (I'm not sure about any romance tag though so... yeah
)
What a rip, try thinking of an original idea there chucklenuts. And if you're going to rip off something do it well
“Are you guys honestly thinking these girls are ponies? This isn’t a fanfic.” Yes it is.
NEVER do that in front of me. Seriously, if you got nothing else to write then period and nothing else, 'kay?
<<FAST EDIT>>
Also, bland as shit for me.
-ohmy, professional asshole and
criticfaggot.1444058 are you sure? since Fimfiction took out are ability to put more than 5 character who knows if it wasn't someone else?
1444065 I'll tell Leafz, he'll do something about HIS chapter. Thanks for the comment
1444081 thank you
1444177 love is everywhere buddy! Can't you feel the love tonight!~
1444581 what are we ripping off actually? 'i'll tell you something, everything as already been invented now a days, are consoles have a hard time to be better, art is done, we already have all the inventions for cooking we'd ever need, so originality is done, we did are best.
1444607 hahahaha! how many times in this story are we going to break the third wall? Or is it the second one?
1444877 can I tell you a secret? This is the first chapter... there's nothing good in those and you should know that by now! but I do admit that Blah blah blah at the end was to much or just misinterpreted. thanks for you critic you brought a valid point
1445195 I'm....I'm suprised....
I'm suprised that you didn't throw a tantrum at all those comments.
I'm suprised that you talked it out like a mature person.
Maybe not everything in this world is shit.
1445237 you have the same view as me, this world is turning to shit but little things in this world are worth living for
1445195 Ponyfall
1445257 nextlol.com/images/4523-indeed.png
1444065
Thanks, I need to fix that
REASONABLE FEEDBACK IS GOOD FEEDBACK
I'm gonna have to re-write this, aren't I?
Leafz is re-writing the chapter on Wednesday
Forever a DJ isn't THAT good...
Anyway, I'll be busy now! Writing chapter 8 of FaDJ and re-writing Chapter 1 of this story...1446383
1445567 Didn't get that last part about your real account, but to clarify, there are only 10-15 Ponyfall Official fics, another 5ish if you consider the "Approved spin off ones".
1447997 FYI, we're hiring http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=405
good.
Why do I get dragged into stuff like this? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_cry.png
Okay, for the record:
PonyFall does not have a monopoly on the Pony-on-Earth genre. We might be one of the most popular collaborations, but that doesn't entitle us to anything other than making sure people don't use the name just to get popular. With that said, I don't see 'PonyFall' written anywhere on this, so chill out Yozzoy.
I read a little bit of it. It's not quite what I'd want in our collaboration, but that doesn't mean anything. There are problems that other readers have already pointed out, and some they didn't. No matter, it already looks like you've decided some re-writing is in order.
My guess is that Leafz Pegasus got a little inspiration from PonyFall, considering the fact that he's been reading some of them. I'm 100% okay with that. If people can be inspired by what we do, that's fantastic and should be encouraged (as long as it's not a blatant rip-off, which this is not).
TL:DR version - Carry on and have fun.
1449678
THANK YOU!
1445582
IT HAS BEEN RE WRITTEN!
1444177
Then why would you read this.
Seriously.
1444058
Took off the discord tag. NOW WHO DID IT!
1451466
Cuz it's written very well,... can't argue with a well written story!
1445237
ERMAHGERD!
Ohmy, to your second comment, the key is....
LOVE AND TOLERATE!!!!
gah, my favorite phrase.
And to The Slorg
HOLYCRAPICANNOTBELIEVETHATYOUREADTHEFICIEDITEDANDYOURAWESOMEHGSHGGEDDHJKS
so, that wasn't the most literate thing ever but its still the author of my favorite fic!
And to everypony else,
I hope to get chapters out faster in about 4 weeks when i finish football.
Then maybe i'll help writing, not just changin around a couple words!
1444607
Thanks, my one contribution to this chapter
1451472
Find out next time on Pokemon.
POKEMON!
Gotta catch 'em all!
1459244 that's my plan, all 649 of 'em!
I'm not kidding... I'll do that and get my reward!