The Elements, and Me.

by Doood

Boom

Chapter 1
BOOM

What in the blue blazes was that?!? Jesus, it sounds like someone's in my h-

Great, just great. The one day I get told to not kill my landlord, I have to. I would understand, if he knocked. Hell, asked me even. But to go as far to try and blow up my house, deserves more than a promise. And he woke me up. Peachy.

I sit up, mind fully alert and ready for anything. The persistent feeling of somebody in your home causing adrenaline and god knows what else to pump in my veins.

Throwing my legs about the bed, into my shoes and standing made some floorboards creak. Hopefully not alerting whomever was in here, I checked the clock next to the bed. Imagine my curiosity when my reflection was the only thing staring back. God I needed to shave.

I looked up, normally my fan was on too. Did I pay the electric bill? Yeah, I did actually. Five days ago. Then why the hell…

There was a loud thump downstairs, followed by the sound of various voices. Ah, it isn’t… Who I thought it was... so who was in my house? Making sure I was at least suitable for getting my ass kicked, I looked towards my closet adjacent to my bed, fumbling in the pitch black for… Found it, ya bastard.

I gripped my weapon in hand, trusty slugger, metal extraordinaire, ladies and gents, I give you the trusty bat. Dark as the night outside my window and hits as hard as the metal that coats the exterior. They ain’t just for hitting balls out of parks now. Okay, maybe that too if you catch my drift. I hefted it to my side, checking my pockets to make sure I had everything from the night before.

Wallet, check and empty. Lighter, checkamundo. Packet of smokes, ready to be smoked. Thankfully it was the winter months, meaning I wasn’t completely drenched in sweat. But due to the noise downstairs I was more so aware of the fact that my armpits felt like fire hoses at the moment. I don't normally sleep in my clothes because I hate getting hot inside a blanket, on top of a clean bed. But tonight was a special case as per I worked late. So when I came home, I was really tired. Go figure.

Trying to find the door was easy, as per the odd glow that came from underneath it. But when I clicked on my bedroom light, not even that turned on. It might just be a power outage.

I stepped out into the hallway, my bathroom to the right of me was an inviting blackness that I knew all too well. The staircase that led downstairs casted a blue light that bounced around as if were alive. Past these two spaces was the attic that was the upstairs portion of my abode. While listening to any sudden outbursts from downstairs, I waltzed into the bathroom and tried the light. No success.

Maybe that sound was a nearby plant blowing up. Wonder how long it’d take for the shanty village I lived in to get it back up and running. I skipped checking the attic.

Heh… the Attic. Never went up there. I was scared shitless of what was up there when I first moved in, and still am to this day. Probably because my mind cooked up some sort of hideous monster that lives up there. Which, although as far-fetched as it would seem, is immensely plausible since I have heard skittering and various other noises that came from up there during insane hours of the night. Since I live here alone I’ve bestowed this creature a name,

Billy.

It both boosts my morale and gives me a giggle every time I cuss at him. What? I have a right to step on him. That fucker steals my socks! I haven’t caught it yet, but that would be the only excuse as to where my articles of clothing have gone!!

The sound of another loud thud and several shushes alerted me back to the precarious situation I was still in. I quickly moved to the stairs and peered down.

From first glance, there was that glow again. It was light blue, as if I had left the TV on. But I didn't? Right? I mean the power was off in my room, bathroom and attic, so fuck all given if the rest of the house had no power too.

But yet, the glow was there…

I made my way down the steps, one shoe in front of the other. The bat was consciously brought into my swinging stance as I crept to the wall at the bottom of the staircase.

I hoped, sincerely hoped, that I left the TV on. It would explain the glow, and whispers I was hearing now…

“What do you mean, hold on? What if somepony hears us?!”

Somepony?

“Shhh!!! Just let the mare focus. Her spell requires the utmost concentration.”

“What would you know? All you know what to cast is the levitation spell!”

I blinked. Honestly, after the reoccurring grammar mishaps, followed by the indenting fact that those who were talking, were *female*, set several more alarms off in my head.

“Umm… I think we should listen to Rarity girls… She and Twilight do have a point. I couldn't imagine what would happen if we woke up who lives here.”

“Oh phooey, I can take ‘em!”

Heh, right. I had to stifle an outburst of laughter.

“SHHH!! We're playing the quiet game!!” There was a pause, “Oh shoot… I lost, didn't I?”

“I'm afraid so Pinkie.”

What in the actual… My curiosity got the better of me. I found my head peering behind the wall, searching for the voices.

The room, although lit by the eerie glow, was still hard to see in sparse for the moonlight cascading through the billowing blinds. I found the couch, there was the chair… The TV was on- Wait a minute…

My mouth worked against my teeth, the grinding of my molars becoming the prominent sound in the room. I did leave the television on. But it was on static. Shit, talk about barging in on an electric bill that's high enough as it is.

While I was looking, I must've shifted my weight on a board or something, because the next thing I know, I hear the voices start up again,

“D...did you hear that?”

“Oh, so you're still brave enough to take them on now?”

There they are… I use, they, wisely. And get used to seeing it used. It was more like the six of them. Counting off the shadows again, yes indeed, Six. But they were hiding behind my couch…. My Couch.

So, with a steely determination, I crept from the wall and into the hallway, careful to feel around for anything I might bump into, or trip over. Thankfully along the way, I had some sort of grace, allowing my clumsy self to reach my goal in quiet.

The kitchen.

The kitchen was more spacious and held less of a challenge for me to walk around in, apart from the mishaps of the night before. It was like a fucking landmine had gone off, plates and cheap cutlery laid strewn about the floor. I was dodging bombs left in right I swear to you, last thing I needed was my element of surprise being ruined by a discarded spoon.

Around the time I got to the island that separated me from the figures in the next room, I began to question my methods of trying to sneak up on the figures.

Should I try to roll into the next room? Yell at them while I'm at it? Good idea, but I'm sure I'll fuck it up somehow.

Ooh! I could throw my bat at them.

Definitely surprising… But then I don’t have my best weapon.

I could just - greet them. Verbal confrontation is something that's a trend nowadays.

Whilst thinking of how I should confront my attackers, I subconsciously made my way around the room, making it all the way towards the back of the couch.

It was now or never right? I still couldn't see them, and from the distance I was, (measuring to about I don't know how many feet, fuck you), I was pretty sure they couldn't see me.

So I inched forward, slowly but surely.

“Twilight, hurry up! I think I hear somepony coming!”

That was the quiet one… God should I do this? They sounded like they were trying to… No. Keep going.

“I'm… Trying… It just won't work!”

There was a small spark in the darkness. Their outlines become more clearer as my eyes adjusted.

“Well try harder! I rreeeaalllyy feel like we shouldn't be here.”

I was close enough to reach out and touch them. And because of that proximity, I could see fully, all of who and what they were.

“Got it!”

A light flared up, illuminating just about everything, including me with my bat raised and the group of banditos huddled back against my furniture.

To this day, I have yet to figure out if I took my prescription pills, or *IF* my neighbor slipped acid in my drink. Because what was in front of me could wipe the grin and sarcastic remark out of anyone who called me a liar.

Small horses.

But not just any small horses. When the light came on, it was made apparent that two of these said ponies had horns atop their heads and another two had… wings. The good news: at least, the last of them were regular equines. If not for the damn colors and stereotypical formalities.

Within the fraction of the light's second, I was able to individually glance at all six, each one ranging in yet again, the colors and other physical differences.

First and foremost, if I hadn't been as pumped up as I was just trying to figure out what I was dealing with, I would've screamed in agony at how the canvas of colors reflected in my retinas. The six ranged from a dreaded pink, to a pale yellow and between the middle of it all, I shit you not, lay a rainbow colored one too.

Did I mention there was a pink one?

Regardless of their colors, and differences, I made the fatal mistake of standing there like an idiot. So, there I was, the guy with a bat held high, a stupid look on my face with six horses sizing me up. What do you think I did?

“Uh… Hi?”

Cue the sound of the drums. Well it was worth a try. Several things happened after that. The reactions, coinciding with the screams, could've shattered every window in my house.

“GET HIM!”

Cue the informal glomp, and there was a giant pile of colors on me. Well.. that's what it looked like. I couldn't see anything past tan and blue.

Ah great, ITS IN MY MOUTH, I’M TASTING COLORS, FUCK.

Some of them broke away, leaving just me and two out of the group to roll around on the floor. The both of them, the rainbow and orange one, backed me into a corner eventually.

Now it’s not that I’m not strong, okay, it's the fact that these were HORSES using their APPENDAGES to WRAP ME IN ROPE.

Sparsely, I threw a lucky fist and hit something, but who knows what it was, because after a while, I figured out that somehow, one of them had tied me up. If given time, and the moments of trying to even measure how random it was, I would know how they did it. But my stupidity caused me to be thrown and pinned against my window. The force of the scuffle caused the glass to crack.

The cyan held my shirt in her hoof… While the one with the Stetson held the rop- Ooooohhhh… Of course. I would have to say that on a scale of one to whatthefuck?, this was pretty close to the top.

Unsure of what to do next, I locked gazes with the one pony hovering in front of me, spitting out some hair that had found its way into my taste buds I smiled, breathing heavily,

“You know, I said Hi, followed by a Hello… Is pretty formal. Wanna try again?”

The cyan one spat, “Hi.”

I smirked, “Hello.”

After she rolled her strange rose colored irises, the four that weren't full fledged nicking my day, cautiously crept from the sidelines. The pink one bouncing over from out of nowhere. Literally. She like, came out of the fucking wall or something.

“Hiya!” She said energetically, landing two feet in front of my face.

The cyan one glared at her for a moment, her head swiveling so that she was following her cohort, “Be quiet! We don't know if it's dangerous or not!”

This triggered something in my mind.

“What the hell do you mean by it? I should be calling you that since you're six talking…” I considered my options, “PONIES. I'm a fucking living being. I'm sentient! I HAVE THUMBS!”

The pink one suddenly smiled, putting her hoof to her mouth and blowing on it, causing a weird finger looking appendage to pop out.

Pretty sure my eyes bulged out their sockets at the notion.

The cyan pony sighed. “Pinkie! Now is not the time!”

“But, Rainbow… I wanna talk to him! Can I please?! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease??”

I blinked at this. So the one with a Rainbow on her head and ass was called Rainbow. Fucking - great. It was so painfully coincidental that I felt the Family Guy cutaway gag coming along.

“Humor me for a moment iffin you will-” I said, struggling against the ropes, “Per chance, if I’m to chin check you, will you shit skittles?”

Rainbow pony glared at me and raised her other hoof. “No, you get a face full of hoof.”

“It was worth a try.” There goes my night.

The purple pony with a weird stripe in her mane walked over, her horn aglow, “What are you?”

I squinted, technically, I should be asking them that..

“First off, before we go pointing fi-...” I blinked, not trying to have a repeat of earlier, “Our appendages at anything… Let's just calm the hell down. You got me in a knot, and personally I don't appreciate it.” Great. Now I was trying to reason with them.

The orange one mumbled with a mouth full of rope, “An’ whaddya propose we do? Letcha out the rope?”

I shrugged, which mind you, was hard to do when tied up, “It's a start.”

Rainbow jostled me and again, raising her hoof, “I don't exactly believe you, how do we know you won't attack us or something?”

“Because you attacked me. Case in point, why should I trust you?! YOU FUCKING BROKE INTO MY HOUSE!”

The violet one… Pretty sure I heard one of them name Twilight, spoke, “Broke into? You must be mistaken.”

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes, “My house. You’re in it. I didn’t let you come inside. How is that not breaking in?”

Twilight’s mouth moved but nothing came out, “This is purely an accident, I assure you. As long as you promise not to attack us we can go our separate ways.”

The white pony with the giant, curly mane nodded to this, peering from behind the couch, “Breaking in aside, we were trying to get out before we ran into anything. Then you came along.” She said as she used her magic to untie the rope.

Amidst the pleas of, ‘Don’t do it, he’ll eat us,’ and several others, I rubbed my palms and slowly stood, “Alright, uh - Thanks? Which is weird saying to… You six ponies?”

Pinkie suddenly burst in. “Yeah! All of us are ponies!”

I gasped, my mood swinging, I swiveled from standing to bent over with hands on knees with the most glorious half cocked smile, “Really?! Oh my heavens! And here I thought you were Santa's fucking elves! Talk about giving me coal!”

Rainbow scoffed, “Should've tied his mouth up too.”

I glanced at her, “Was I talking to you, skittles?”

Pinkie giggled at all of this. But alas, it was Twilight who answered,

“Well let me be the first to apologize. If anypony is to blame, It’s me.”

I raised a brow, eventually settling on folding my arms, “Indeed?”

“It would seem so. I may have mixed up a transportation spell, a larger one than I thought. This was not something I planned on doing, to be frank with you.”

I cocked my head, “Spell? Like… Magic?” Please be a dream. Just a messed up hangover, or acid. I was already at my limit with being cordial thus far with these trespassers.

Twilight confirmed my suspicions with a nod, “And to go back, I need to cast that same spell in reverse. That's why they… Sorta had to stop you.”

I scoffed and pointed at the two culprits behind the hogtying, “Sorta being the key word. You knew what you were doing.”

Rainbow mocked a roll of the arm, “Yeah? And we'll do it again if you try any funny business.”

“Look, dickhead, I'm not gonna do anything.”

“It isn't, dickhead, alright, it's Rainbow-Dash! Fastest flier in Equestria!”

I looked to the other five for nonverbal confirmation that she just spoke in third person to which was met with shrugs. Pinching the bridge of my nose I shook my head, “Mhmm. And I'm your friendly neighborhood Jackass.”

The white one perked up from the couch, “Your name is - Jah Kass?”

I pursed my lips, “Eh, close enough.”

Twilight stepped in, “Girls! Ass- Or whatever your name is, I believe we need to leave.”

I nodded furiously, “Uh yeah, you know how much trouble and a stain I could have if anyone else found you here?”

Pinkie tilted her head to the side. “Like a grape juice stain on carpet? From the little cardboard boxes with straws you poke through the little silver thingy?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but the sheer oddity of what Pinkie said halted my efforts. Strangely enough, she was right,

“Uh… Yeah. That. Look, point is,” My mouth formulated a response before my brain did, “If you thought tying me down was bad enough imagine a hundred or fuck, a thousand more of me.” I looked at the orange one, “You’d need more rope.” When nobody said anything I continued,

“On top of all this, your spell or however the fuck you got here, caused some kind of power outage.” I motioned to the darkened room, “Meaning if I heard you, so did everyone in the neighborhood.”

And as if it were on cue I could hear various shouts and yells come from outside. The six of them and I peered out a window and saw people looking around in wonder, some with flashlights others with phones in hand. A light swept over the window to which I hurriedly closed the blinds, glancing at the befuddled unicorn,

“Cast your spell, get the hell out of here. Not everyone here is as nice as I am.” I coughed and took another peak outside, “Part of me thinks this isn’t even real anyway.”

Twilight nodded at the statement and talked to her friends. After a pep talk, I watched as they all huddled together, Twilight being the one to do her spell thing. Whilst doing so, I grumbled quietly, finding refuge against a wall nearby.

So… How do I wrap my head around this one? I just had a conversation with ponies. And not just any ponies, I'm talking about Unicorns, and Pegasus's. Or would it be pegasi?

Eh. What I couldn't stomach was how they all seemed so familiar. And on top of that, why I was being so calm about this. It's not everyday you talk to an animal and that animal talks back, unless it's a parakeet. But those conniving little cracker stealers don't count.

As Twilight's horn glowed brighter, I squinted, taking in each of the ponies before they left. Hopefully. It would make a great tale to tell someday,

MY HOME, INVADED BY COLORFUL LITTLE PONIES!

I'd probably be laughed at. I mean lets be honest. The whole tale itself is a cackle, a slap on the back and my body being thrown into the nearest looney asylum. But I saw them with my own eyes. I can't discredit that obviously other than what I said openly before, a really bad dream. Scratching my chin, I glanced at the two normal ponies. The one with the Stetson and bunches of apples on her ass, and the Pink one, whose hair looked like cotton candy. It looked like they were… Drawn.

I haven't really been the type to fantasize of unicorns and pegasi. Okay, maybe once or twice, I've thought about riding a pegasus with rainbows coming from its ass into battle. BUT ONLY THAT. I didn't expect to see an actual pegasus the color of the rainbow.

But life works in mysterious ways.

“Oh no…”

My head snapped up, eyes trained on what was taking place before me. Although my thoughts had been short, what had transpired in that small amount of time escalated dramatically.

Still, all six were huddled close together, frightened, and watching in horror as Twilight's horn sparkled pure energy. The violet unicorn's face was squinted, pain being the only word to describe what was coming off her spell.

I hopped off my wall and walked forward, concern matching those of her friends. But as I drew near, Twilight's horn bolted again, Lavender glows streaming to the floor, weaving along the tile and carpet. A wild purple flashed wizzed past my ear, hitting the wall behind me, leaving a burn mark the size of a basketball.

Rainbow looked around and then towards me, eyes wide with shock, “WHAT’RE YOU, STUPID? MOV-”

Ten Seconds. That was all it took for shit to roll.

The first second, One of the lavender tendrils snapped through my chest, piercing me all the way through, latching onto my back. My eyes went as wide as saucers and I choked.

As my stomach dropped ten times after two seconds, The tendril lifted me with the six ponies. I grabbed my chest and coughed again, no air seeming to come in or out of my lungs.

Three seconds in, I watched in mute agony as we were encased by a white sphere, the tendrils whirling around it like a swarm of bees. This was like some terminator bullcrap, WHY DID I WAKE UP FOR THIS?

Four seconds in, and I was wrenched towards the group, landing to the side of the light pink haired one. That was the one I forgot about… Maybe because I never heard her speak up. Looking at her now, I was fairly certain she had fainted as per her eyes were rolling in the back of her head.

Everyone was panicking around the fifth second, except for Pinkie, who had… Somehow found a way to dangle upside down….

Six seconds, and another tendril latched around my neck, same for the others. I tried grasping it and yanking it off, but my hand passed right through it, so that I instead grabbed my shirt. What alarmed me, was that it was tightening around my neck, and it showed no signs of stopping.

Eight seconds and Twilight was screaming, and I watched as her eyes shot open, casting all of us in a white glow. And dear god… Did it burn.

Nine seconds, I was screaming too. Just a litttttllleeee bit louder though.

Ten Seconds, and there was nothing left of us to begin with. On the outside of the white ball, it collapsed in on itself, eventually disappearing in a wisp of smoke. We, “winked”, out of existence, leaving only one of my shoes and a soot covered floor.

Author's Note:

This is unfortunately for some, a remake. For me, its a chance to restart a hilarious idea I had way back in the day. Basically I'm going back and rewriting where my brain stopped working on some of the chapters and making sure they flow to what the original idea was. Expect better updates on this honestly. And with that a better story too.

Side question, favorite anime opening, go-

-Doood

Comments

[Big boi]

interesting

[Doood]

11913985
Dude thats what I'm sayin

[AmpharosNinja]

As far as anime intros go.
Cowboy Bebop and Evangelion are up there but are kinda normie picks.
So I'm going with Samurai Champloo,