> The Elements, and Me.
>  by Doood
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Boom
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 1
BOOM



What in the blue blazes was that?!? Jesus, it sounds like someone's in my h-


Great, just great. The one day I get told to not kill my landlord, I have to. I would understand, if he knocked. Hell, asked me even. But to go as far to try and blow up my house, deserves more than a promise. And he woke me up. Peachy.

I sit up, mind fully alert and ready for anything. The persistent feeling of somebody in your home causing adrenaline and god knows what else to pump in my veins.

Throwing my legs about the bed, into my shoes and standing made some floorboards creak. Hopefully not alerting whomever was in here, I checked the clock next to the bed. Imagine my curiosity when my reflection was the only thing staring back. God I needed to shave. 

I looked up, normally my fan was on too. Did I pay the electric bill? Yeah, I did actually. Five days ago. Then why the hell… 

There was a loud thump downstairs, followed by the sound of various voices. Ah, it isn’t… Who I thought it was... so who was in my house? Making sure I was at least suitable for getting my ass kicked, I looked towards my closet adjacent to my bed, fumbling in the pitch black for… Found it, ya bastard.

I gripped my weapon in hand, trusty slugger, metal extraordinaire, ladies and gents, I give you the trusty bat. Dark as the night outside my window and hits as hard as the metal that coats the exterior. They ain’t just for hitting balls out of parks now. Okay, maybe that too if you catch my drift. I hefted it to my side, checking my pockets to make sure I had everything from the night before.

Wallet, check and empty. Lighter, checkamundo. Packet of smokes, ready to be smoked. Thankfully it was the winter months, meaning I wasn’t completely drenched in sweat. But due to the noise downstairs I was more so aware of the fact that my armpits felt like fire hoses at the moment. I don't normally sleep in my clothes because I hate getting hot inside a blanket, on top of a clean bed. But tonight was a special case as per I worked late. So when I came home, I was really tired. Go figure.

Trying to find the door was easy, as per the odd glow that came from underneath it. But when I clicked on my bedroom light, not even that turned on. It might just be a power outage.

I stepped out into the hallway, my bathroom to the right of me was an inviting blackness that I knew all too well. The staircase that led downstairs casted a blue light that bounced around as if were alive. Past these two spaces was the attic that was the upstairs portion of my abode. While listening to any sudden outbursts from downstairs, I waltzed into the bathroom and tried the light. No success.

Maybe that sound was a nearby plant blowing up. Wonder how long it’d take for the shanty village I lived in to get it back up and running. I skipped checking the attic.

Heh… the Attic. Never went up there. I was scared shitless of what was up there when I first moved in, and still am to this day. Probably because my mind cooked up some sort of hideous monster that lives up there. Which, although as far-fetched as it would seem, is immensely plausible since I have heard skittering and various other noises that came from up there during insane hours of the night. Since I live here alone I’ve bestowed this creature a name, 

Billy.

It both boosts my morale and gives me a giggle every time I cuss at him. What? I have a right to step on him. That fucker steals my socks! I haven’t caught it yet, but that would be the only excuse as to where my articles of clothing have gone!!

The sound of another loud thud and several shushes alerted me back to the precarious situation I was still in. I quickly moved to the stairs and peered down.

From first glance, there was that glow again. It was light blue, as if I had left the TV on. But I didn't? Right? I mean the power was off in my room, bathroom and attic, so fuck all given if the rest of the house had no power too.

But yet, the glow was there…

I made my way down the steps, one shoe in front of the other. The bat was consciously brought into my swinging stance as I crept to the wall at the bottom of the staircase.

I hoped, sincerely hoped, that I left the TV on. It would explain the glow, and whispers I was hearing now…

“What do you mean, hold on? What if somepony hears us?!”

Somepony? 

“Shhh!!! Just let the mare focus. Her spell requires the utmost concentration.”

“What would you know? All you know what to cast is the levitation spell!”

I blinked. Honestly, after the reoccurring grammar mishaps, followed by the indenting fact that those who were talking, were *female*, set several more alarms off in my head.

“Umm… I think we should listen to Rarity girls… She and Twilight do have a point. I couldn't imagine what would happen if we woke up who lives here.”

“Oh phooey, I can take ‘em!”

Heh, right. I had to stifle an outburst of laughter.

“SHHH!! We're playing the quiet game!!” There was a pause, “Oh shoot… I lost, didn't I?”

“I'm afraid so Pinkie.”

What in the actual… My curiosity got the better of me. I found my head peering behind the wall, searching for the voices.

The room, although lit by the eerie glow, was still hard to see in sparse for the moonlight cascading through the billowing blinds. I found the couch, there was the chair… The TV was on- Wait a minute…

My mouth worked against my teeth, the grinding of my molars becoming the prominent sound in the room. I did leave the television on. But it was on static. Shit, talk about barging in on an electric bill that's high enough as it is.

While I was looking, I must've shifted my weight on a board or something, because the next thing I know, I hear the voices start up again,

“D...did you hear that?”

“Oh, so you're still brave enough to take them on now?”

There they are… I use, they, wisely. And get used to seeing it used. It was more like the six of them. Counting off the shadows again, yes indeed, Six. But they were hiding behind my couch…. My Couch.

So, with a steely determination, I crept from the wall and into the hallway, careful to feel around for anything I might bump into, or trip over. Thankfully along the way, I had some sort of grace, allowing my clumsy self to reach my goal in quiet.

The kitchen.

The kitchen was more spacious and held less of a challenge for me to walk around in, apart from the mishaps of the night before. It was like a fucking landmine had gone off, plates and cheap cutlery laid strewn about the floor. I was dodging bombs left in right I swear to you, last thing I needed was my element of surprise being ruined by a discarded spoon.

Around the time I got to the island that separated me from the figures in the next room, I began to question my methods of trying to sneak up on the figures.

Should I try to roll into the next room? Yell at them while I'm at it? Good idea, but I'm sure I'll fuck it up somehow.

Ooh! I could throw my bat at them. 

Definitely surprising… But then I don’t have my best weapon.

I could just - greet them. Verbal confrontation is something that's a trend nowadays. 

Whilst thinking of how I should confront my attackers, I subconsciously made my way around the room, making it all the way towards the back of the couch.

It was now or never right? I still couldn't see them, and from the distance I was, (measuring to about I don't know how many feet, fuck you), I was pretty sure they couldn't see me.

So I inched forward, slowly but surely.

“Twilight, hurry up! I think I hear somepony coming!”

That was the quiet one… God should I do this? They sounded like they were trying to… No. Keep going.

“I'm… Trying… It just won't work!”

There was a small spark in the darkness. Their outlines become more clearer as my eyes adjusted.

“Well try harder! I rreeeaalllyy feel like we shouldn't be here.”

I was close enough to reach out and touch them. And because of that proximity, I could see fully, all of who and what they were.

“Got it!”

A light flared up, illuminating just about everything, including me with my bat raised and the group of banditos huddled back against my furniture.

To this day, I have yet to figure out if I took my prescription pills, or *IF* my neighbor slipped acid in my drink. Because what was in front of me could wipe the grin and sarcastic remark out of anyone who called me a liar.

Small horses.

But not just any small horses. When the light came on, it was made apparent that two of these said ponies had horns atop their heads and another two had… wings. The good news: at least, the last of them were regular equines. If not for the damn colors and stereotypical formalities.

Within the fraction of the light's second, I was able to individually glance at all six, each one ranging in yet again, the colors and other physical differences.

First and foremost, if I hadn't been as pumped up as I was just trying to figure out what I was dealing with, I would've screamed in agony at how the canvas of colors reflected in my retinas. The six ranged from a dreaded pink, to a pale yellow and between the middle of it all, I shit you not, lay a rainbow colored one too.

Did I mention there was a pink one? 

Regardless of their colors, and differences, I made the fatal mistake of standing there like an idiot. So, there I was, the guy with a bat held high, a stupid look on my face with six horses sizing me up. What do you think I did?

“Uh… Hi?”

Cue the sound of the drums. Well it was worth a try. Several things happened after that. The reactions, coinciding with the screams, could've shattered every window in my house.

“GET HIM!”

Cue the informal glomp, and there was a giant pile of colors on me. Well.. that's what it looked like. I couldn't see anything past tan and blue. 

Ah great, ITS IN MY MOUTH, I’M TASTING COLORS, FUCK.

Some of them broke away, leaving just me and two out of the group to roll around on the floor. The both of them, the rainbow and orange one, backed me into a corner eventually.

Now it’s not that I’m not strong, okay, it's the fact that these were HORSES using their APPENDAGES to WRAP ME IN ROPE. 

Sparsely, I threw a lucky fist and hit something, but who knows what it was, because after a while, I figured out that somehow, one of them had tied me up. If given time, and the moments of trying to even measure how random it was, I would know how they did it. But my stupidity caused me to be thrown and pinned against my window. The force of the scuffle caused the glass to crack.

The cyan held my shirt in her hoof… While the one with the Stetson held the rop- Ooooohhhh… Of course. I would have to say that on a scale of one to whatthefuck?, this was pretty close to the top.

Unsure of what to do next, I locked gazes with the one pony hovering in front of me, spitting out some hair that had found its way into my taste buds I smiled, breathing heavily,

“You know, I said Hi, followed by a Hello… Is pretty formal. Wanna try again?”

The cyan one spat, “Hi.”

I smirked, “Hello.”

After she rolled her strange rose colored irises, the four that weren't full fledged nicking my day, cautiously crept from the sidelines. The pink one bouncing over from out of nowhere. Literally. She like, came out of the fucking wall or something.

“Hiya!” She said energetically, landing two feet in front of my face.

The cyan one glared at her for a moment, her head swiveling so that she was following her cohort, “Be quiet! We don't know if it's dangerous or not!”

This triggered something in my mind.

“What the hell do you mean by it? I should be calling you that since you're six talking…” I considered my options, “PONIES. I'm a fucking living being. I'm sentient! I HAVE THUMBS!”

The pink one suddenly smiled, putting her hoof to her mouth and blowing on it, causing a weird finger looking appendage to pop out.

Pretty sure my eyes bulged out their sockets at the notion.

The cyan pony sighed. “Pinkie! Now is not the time!”

“But, Rainbow… I wanna talk to him! Can I please?! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease??”

I blinked at this. So the one with a Rainbow on her head and ass was called Rainbow. Fucking - great. It was so painfully coincidental that I felt the Family Guy cutaway gag coming along.

“Humor me for a moment iffin you will-” I said, struggling against the ropes, “Per chance, if I’m to chin check you, will you shit skittles?”

Rainbow pony glared at me and raised her other hoof. “No, you get a face full of hoof.”

“It was worth a try.” There goes my night.

The purple pony with a weird stripe in her mane walked over, her horn aglow, “What are you?”

I squinted, technically, I should be asking them that..

“First off, before we go pointing fi-...” I blinked, not trying to have a repeat of earlier, “Our appendages at anything… Let's just calm the hell down. You got me in a knot, and personally I don't appreciate it.” Great. Now I was trying to reason with them.

The orange one mumbled with a mouth full of rope, “An’ whaddya propose we do? Letcha out the rope?”

I shrugged, which mind you, was hard to do when tied up, “It's a start.”

Rainbow jostled me and again, raising her hoof, “I don't exactly believe you, how do we know you won't attack us or something?”

“Because you attacked me. Case in point, why should I trust you?! YOU FUCKING BROKE INTO MY HOUSE!”

The violet one… Pretty sure I heard one of them name Twilight, spoke, “Broke into? You must be mistaken.”

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes, “My house. You’re in it. I didn’t let you come inside. How is that not breaking in?”

Twilight’s mouth moved but nothing came out, “This is purely an accident, I assure you. As long as you promise not to attack us we can go our separate ways.”

The white pony with the giant, curly mane nodded to this, peering from behind the couch, “Breaking in aside, we were trying to get out before we ran into anything. Then you came along.” She said as she used her magic to untie the rope.

Amidst the pleas of, ‘Don’t do it, he’ll eat us,’ and several others, I rubbed my palms and slowly stood, “Alright, uh - Thanks? Which is weird saying to… You six ponies?”

Pinkie suddenly burst in. “Yeah! All of us are ponies!”

I gasped, my mood swinging, I swiveled from standing to bent over with hands on knees with the most glorious half cocked smile, “Really?! Oh my heavens! And here I thought you were Santa's fucking elves! Talk about giving me coal!”

Rainbow scoffed, “Should've tied his mouth up too.”

I glanced at her, “Was I talking to you, skittles?”

Pinkie giggled at all of this. But alas, it was Twilight who answered,

“Well let me be the first to apologize. If anypony is to blame, It’s me.”

I raised a brow, eventually settling on folding my arms, “Indeed?”

“It would seem so. I may have mixed up a transportation spell, a larger one than I thought. This was not something I planned on doing, to be frank with you.”

I cocked my head, “Spell? Like… Magic?” Please be a dream. Just a messed up hangover, or acid. I was already at my limit with being cordial thus far with these trespassers.

Twilight confirmed my suspicions with a nod, “And to go back, I need to cast that same spell in reverse. That's why they… Sorta had to stop you.”

I scoffed and pointed at the two culprits behind the hogtying, “Sorta being the key word. You knew what you were doing.”

Rainbow mocked a roll of the arm, “Yeah? And we'll do it again if you try any funny business.”

“Look, dickhead, I'm not gonna do anything.”

“It isn't, dickhead, alright, it's Rainbow-Dash! Fastest flier in Equestria!”

I looked to the other five for nonverbal confirmation that she just spoke in third person to which was met with shrugs. Pinching the bridge of my nose I shook my head, “Mhmm. And I'm your friendly neighborhood Jackass.”

The white one perked up from the couch, “Your name is - Jah Kass?”

I pursed my lips, “Eh, close enough.”

Twilight stepped in, “Girls! Ass- Or whatever your name is, I believe we need to leave.”

I nodded furiously, “Uh yeah, you know how much trouble and a stain I could have if anyone else found you here?”

Pinkie tilted her head to the side. “Like a grape juice stain on carpet? From the little cardboard boxes with straws you poke through the little silver thingy?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but the sheer oddity of what Pinkie said halted my efforts. Strangely enough, she was right,

“Uh… Yeah. That. Look, point is,” My mouth formulated a response before my brain did, “If you thought tying me down was bad enough imagine a hundred or fuck, a thousand more of me.” I looked at the orange one, “You’d need more rope.” When nobody said anything I continued,

“On top of all this, your spell or however the fuck you got here, caused some kind of power outage.” I motioned to the darkened room, “Meaning if I heard you, so did everyone in the neighborhood.”

And as if it were on cue I could hear various shouts and yells come from outside. The six of them and I peered out a window and saw people looking around in wonder, some with flashlights others with phones in hand. A light swept over the window to which I hurriedly closed the blinds, glancing at the befuddled unicorn, 

“Cast your spell, get the hell out of here. Not everyone here is as nice as I am.” I coughed and took another peak outside, “Part of me thinks this isn’t even real anyway.”

Twilight nodded at the statement and talked to her friends. After a pep talk, I watched as they all huddled together, Twilight being the one to do her spell thing. Whilst doing so, I grumbled quietly, finding refuge against a wall nearby.

So… How do I wrap my head around this one? I just had a conversation with ponies. And not just any ponies, I'm talking about Unicorns, and Pegasus's. Or would it be pegasi?

Eh. What I couldn't stomach was how they all seemed so familiar. And on top of that, why I was being so calm about this. It's not everyday you talk to an animal and that animal talks back, unless it's a parakeet. But those conniving little cracker stealers don't count.

As Twilight's horn glowed brighter, I squinted, taking in each of the ponies before they left. Hopefully. It would make a great tale to tell someday, 

MY HOME, INVADED BY COLORFUL LITTLE PONIES!

I'd probably be laughed at. I mean lets be honest. The whole tale itself is a cackle, a slap on the back and my body being thrown into the nearest looney asylum. But I saw them with my own eyes. I can't discredit that obviously other than what I said openly before, a really bad dream. Scratching my chin, I glanced at the two normal ponies. The one with the Stetson and bunches of apples on her ass, and the Pink one, whose hair looked like cotton candy. It looked like they were… Drawn. 

I haven't really been the type to fantasize of unicorns and pegasi. Okay, maybe once or twice, I've thought about riding a pegasus with rainbows coming from its ass into battle. BUT ONLY THAT. I didn't expect to see an actual pegasus the color of the rainbow.

But life works in mysterious ways. 

“Oh no…”

My head snapped up, eyes trained on what was taking place before me. Although my thoughts had been short, what had transpired in that small amount of time escalated dramatically.

Still, all six were huddled close together, frightened, and watching in horror as Twilight's horn sparkled pure energy. The violet unicorn's face was squinted, pain being the only word to describe what was coming off her spell.

I hopped off my wall and walked forward, concern matching those of her friends. But as I drew near, Twilight's horn bolted again, Lavender glows streaming to the floor, weaving along the tile and carpet. A wild purple flashed wizzed past my ear, hitting the wall behind me, leaving a burn mark the size of a basketball.

Rainbow looked around and then towards me, eyes wide with shock, “WHAT’RE YOU, STUPID? MOV-”

Ten Seconds. That was all it took for shit to roll.

The first second, One of the lavender tendrils snapped through my chest, piercing me all the way through, latching onto my back. My eyes went as wide as saucers and I choked.

As my stomach dropped ten times after two seconds, The tendril lifted me with the six ponies. I grabbed my chest and coughed again, no air seeming to come in or out of my lungs.

Three seconds in, I watched in mute agony as we were encased by a white sphere, the tendrils whirling around it like a swarm of bees. This was like some terminator bullcrap, WHY DID I WAKE UP FOR THIS?

Four seconds in, and I was wrenched towards the group, landing to the side of the light pink haired one. That was the one I forgot about… Maybe because I never heard her speak up. Looking at her now, I was fairly certain she had fainted as per her eyes were rolling in the back of her head. 

Everyone was panicking around the fifth second, except for Pinkie, who had… Somehow found a way to dangle upside down….

Six seconds, and another tendril latched around my neck, same for the others. I tried grasping it and yanking it off, but my hand passed right through it, so that I instead grabbed my shirt. What alarmed me, was that it was tightening around my neck, and it showed no signs of stopping.

Eight seconds and Twilight was screaming, and I watched as her eyes shot open, casting all of us in a white glow. And dear god… Did it burn.

Nine seconds, I was screaming too. Just a litttttllleeee bit louder though.

Ten Seconds, and there was nothing left of us to begin with. On the outside of the white ball, it collapsed in on itself, eventually disappearing in a wisp of smoke. We, “winked”, out of existence, leaving only one of my shoes and a soot covered floor.
> This is not my roof
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 2



This. Is not my roof.


It felt like I was intentionally pressed to fit in the palm of someone's hand. I dunno if you have ever had the wind knocked out of you, but the best way to describe it would be manual breathing, but someone is sitting on you while you have to kickstart back into auto breathing. The unfortunate part about all of this, was I couldn’t move until I remembered to inhale then exhale. Which made even moving a constant battle for life support.

There was a slight breeze, which in itself, carried the smell of crisp apples, surprisingly enough; cake batter, and vegetables. It actually smelled like I was in Grammie's house, and she was cooking me some dinner. But it was the noise that turned my hopes around. Several voices, combined with multiple shouts of shop owners' goods, spiked my curiosity even more.

“Fresh Carrots!”

Oooooooohhh…. Now I'm hungry. C’mon, wake up ya lazy bastard.

Such a small task equaled to be quite a challenge, eliciting a horrid groan and a flare of pain everywhere. But pissing off midway of trying to sit up, was not about to happen.

It hurt, yes, but I could tell I was done when I couldn't lean forward anymore. Now all that was required of my lazy self, was to ‘look’ around. I started slow, pushing down the desire to curl back into a ball and start screaming at how bright everything was. But I needed to find out just what the fuck was going on.

Last I remembered, and take note I was groaning while remembering this, were the Ponies that invaded my house. I remember the fact that they were about to leave and then… Nothing. My mind is blank after that.

Well shit, guess I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Now that the damn sun glare had worn off, I could finally see everything. Not to mention, ‘move around’. I coughed slowly, taking in the view around me with a growing sense of shock.

What? See how you feel if you wake up on top of a house. I wasn't on a porch, nor was I in a room, or at least inside the house. I was simply stuck on top of a roof, wedged in between the shingles and the top of a chimney. I was bent over the fuckin thing like I was a horseshoe.

That's probably the reason I couldn't move.

The view was immaculate though. I think based offa what I could see, this was the back of the house, so I was staring at a stretching road that led to what I could see as an Applefarm. I could almost just make out what I assumed to be a carriage coming into town filled to the brim with apples. At least the birds chirped, and the clouds lazily moved along the blue sky, it was a painting waiting to happen honestly.

Blinking, I stood carefully. I didn't want to become a pancake so early in the morning, so yeah, no falling. Once my legs couldn't bend upwards any further, I shakily worked my arms loose from their loss of blood. It was bad enough my foot had the needle sensation when your blood rushes in too fast.

Thankfully, the red shingled rooftop held my weight, and as I looked around more, I realized I couldn't put my tongue on where I was exactly. At least I wasn't sore anymore.

It was a town. Or maybe a village at that, I surmised a village being the better option because normally towns don't have people screaming at you to buy their shit. That's what the signs are for.

I made sure that each step I took was precise, lest I slip. I had to see more than just this rooftop. And judging from where the sound was coming from, I just had to climb a little bit further up the ceramic. Easier said than done if not for the fact I was missing one of my shoes. 

Once I reached the top I was practically panting from the amount of effort it took. I wiped my hands on my jeans which were regrettably torn at this point and heaved a sigh, flopping on the slanted rooftop I slid down so that my knees pointed to the sky. Thankfully it wasn’t too late as the sun wasn’t beating my shit in when I started laughing at the situation I’d gotten myself into. When I was done regretting my life's decisions, I took my time in turning around to get a better view 

And that's when I saw them.

Two words, my retinas. Six words, movie phrase; I’m not in Kansas anymore. 

Far from it.

And it is six words by the way, ’I am’. It counts.

Ponies. Just so many Ponies. Ponies literally everywhere. They were chatting peacefully under cafés, some were flying in between clouds. Hell I think I saw one with headphones walk into the center square and walk out bobbing its head to some kind of beat.

Was this like a messed up Zootopia? I mean god, if you exist you are liable to take the wheel now. I figured that the building I was on was actually another food point, and that the square had everything food related to it. It was either that or perhaps the town center. Although the building I was on wasn’t necessarily the highest point it seemed, I could make out a large tree off to the right and to the left there were various other housing units. 

I stood, my mouth slowly hinging and unhinging from the lo and behold moments that occurred every two seconds. Now and then, I'd spot a new pony, I'd focus on that singular creature and slap myself silly because half the time, that same pony did things normally I would do.

It was legitimately a thriving town but not a single human in sight. Just animals. Which is a baffling whimsical fantasy you’d see inna movie or watch through a show. At the moment lest it be a nightmare, I was seemingly put in a fantasy world.

But as fast as the thought came it immediately went out the window as I started nitpicking everything. I could, could being a very key word, get used to seeing them. But I can't seem to figure out how they weren't a dull color. Like brown or grey. I mean its the usual color for horses, amirite? Because seeing a fuckin’ - bright green unicorn talking to another bright salmon pegasus?

I actually triple pump faked myself into believing I had glasses that needed to be cleaned.

“TURNIPS!! GET YOUR TURNIPS RIGHT HERE!”

Eww, hate those things… I leaned forward, spotting a street vendor not so far below. He had a few ponies lined up for his stock, each of them reaching into their… Purses… Wait, wouldn't it technically be a saddlebag then?

Well, they reached into their saddlebags and pulled out circular yellow - was that gold? 

I immediately got to my hands and knees, watching in agape shock as, yes indeed, these ponies made gold appear and disappear just as quickly. Was that their currency?

Man, I need to get in on this, maybe sell it to the highest bidder when I… get back.

My mind over clocked, I was in a land filled with ponies, unicorns and pegasi ... Weren't those six I saw earlier just like the ones I'm seeing now? Twilight, that… Purple horned menace - Said she fucked up a spell of sorts. That's right, the white sphere and the tendrils!

I clutched my chest, a slight breeze trickling past me again. This time, I noticed something off, looking down, I could see a hole the size of a dollar. It cut into my shirt and came out through the back. Great, my only good button-up, ruined.

Memory flashes later and I remember the spell she cast went wrong it seems, again. But it didn't just affect the six, I got caught in it too. I sat down on my rump and blinked a few sets of times, trying my hardest and failing to see how this was even remotely possible. It just didn't make a lick of sense.

Then again, the fact that I held a suitable conversation with not one but five other equines doesn’t exactly sound like something a sane person would say to another sane person. It would just be sane people stuff. 

Dammit. I sighed through clenched teeth, the hiss relieving some stress and worry. I ran a hand through my hair and shifted my weight where I sat so the shingles didn’t dig into my rear so harshly. Before I could boil any further, My hand instinctively reached into my pockets, fishing out my pack of smokes. While putting one up for a flame, my other hand fished out the lighter.

Next thing I know, I'm calmer and smoking on top of a roof that I didn't own, inside of a land filled with equines. Funny how life works.

I guess you could say I was blowing off some steam.

Nevermind.

After taking a drag, I held it in and took another glance around, seeing as I had another goal to beat. Getting the hell off this roof.

Both sides had a pretty steep drop, one being onto the turnip guy's linen sheet tarp, and the other onto the cold ass street. Standing, I carefully made my way back to one side of the roof, mindful of not letting myself be seen.

When I made it to the side with the straight plummet, I glanced down and decided that this way wasn't going to go right if I didn't know what I was doing.

Basically, the straight plummet included clotheslines, a few open windows, and of course, the lovely street. Now, my mind wanted to be a badass and jump off the  house, and arch myself into one of the open windows - But I quickly slapped myself and reminded the good old mind that I was a shitty climber and that would only result in me gracefully breaking my spine.

Another Drag.

Maybe I could catch myself on the clothesline? But wait, that only works in cartoons. 

Heh… Cartoons...

This would work every other way if the building was surrounded by even more buildings. Or if there was at least a second floor to go off of. But alas with the quickest of reminders from expecting what I now deem as Equine Architects, to be the brains of designing such platforms, it was a straight drop down.  

Whoever made this building I despise with the force of a thousand suns.

So with nothing to do but jump on one side, I turned on my heel and made my way back up to the top to see if I could do anything better.

Quite frankly, this side looked fairly better, and that's what scared me. It was that I had only this side to go down, and it included me introducing myself to about - Oh I don't know… Every single pony?

I crossed my arms and sighed, smoke billowing out, floating away into the clouds. So it was either down this way, or jumping off the building…

I put out the cigarette with my foot, (My one shoed self), glancing around like someone was watching me and shook my head,

“I must be going crazy…”

Know one thing, I believe I mentioned once or twice that I was a terrible climber. Well, that and I have a tendency to make dramatic entrances. If you put two and two together, you'll understand where I’m going with this.

Now, buildings, as a whole, have one thing most landscapers hate having to clean out. If you're having a hard time guessing, the answer is Rain Gutters. Well, I was lucky to find one that draped down the side of the building and into the square.

All I had to do was slide down it. Simple.

Yeah no.

This particular rain gutter was unfortunately metal (as most are pvc, aluminum etc), combined with sweat and the indecencies of the day time, and you get the most foul sound possible.

So one question for you, have you ever slid down a metal slide and heard that, really long, continuous and quite frankly, annoying squeak? Well then you feel my pain.

See, I got to the gutter and fastened myself so that I would be able to grip it, basically, so I wouldn't fall off. What followed, me hugging a pole for dear life as I slid down ever so gracefully, an eerie loud squeak placating the populace's earlobes.

Needless to say, I wasn't able to get down without attracting attention.

At first, one pony glanced my way, his ears swiveling inward to try to block out the noise. He would've done so, if he hadn't noticed me first. Humorously, his mouth dropped open in shock and he wasn't watching where his hoofing was taking him. Said stallion messed up big time and bumped into another pony, the both of them tumbling onto the asphalt.

And pretty much, from there, it turned into your typical, ‘What the, hey… Look at that!’. It didn't take long practically for the whole street to notice me. Not to mention, the whole time, a red alert alarm kept going off in my mind, the whole consensus of my braincells screaming at me for being such an idiot for even thinking this was a good idea.

The braincells quieted down when I reminded them that it was either this or break both feet, legs, ankles, femurs, ass bones; the whole spiel.

When my feet touched the ground, I shook my arms loose, looking around with a raised brow. I was definitely the crowd's attention at the moment. When I had been rid of any dust on my shirt, I reached for another cigarette. At this rate I'll run out. Popping it in, I raised my voice,

“The fuck y'all looking at?”

Either it was the way I presented it, or because it was sudden, but most of the ponies around shook their heads and went back to their business. The phrase I heard repeated more than once was, “Minotaurs…”

Damn. That's pretty bad actually. I've seen what Minotaurs kinda look like in mythology. Mean bunch of bastards… ugly as all get out too.

Once I had been sure they, the ponies, weren't looking, I lit myself and walked into the square. One small step without my shoe, one giant mindfuck figuring out what the hell was going on.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets and trudged briskly through the crowd, casting my eyes around for anything that could give me a clue of where I was, or where I should go. I locked gazes with several of this town's residents and had to tear my thoughts away from how social bound these ponies actually were.

Because I was pretty sure I saw a - What are they called - Foals? Yeah, I saw a foal on the back of another stallion. 

Heh… Horseback rides. 

Regardless, I also saw a few other things that stood out indefinitely, like one of those pegasus things pushing a cloud underneath a tree, and then taking that same cloud and laying on top of it.

My mind? Blown. I actually want one now.

Though the structural thing that stood out the most other than the Large Tree, the Clocktower, or the Barn I saw earlier was a literal Gingerbread looking house. It looked so good that I could just EAT IT!

My stomach gargled at the thought like it were the one getting ready for a meal. It would definitely look weird if I ‘om non nom’d’ a building the town residents visit frequently so I dissuaded myself from doing so.

Again, I wanted to Hansel and Gretel my way over there, but stopped. I had been so focused on my hunger pains, that I completely missed a few key elements.

For one, and as stated before, I was oh most definitely hungry. Another was them. The them. Like, the ones who may have, may not have gotten me into this catastrophe.

The pink one, yellow one, Skittles, Twilight, the nice white one and that cowboy lookin one. All sitting together chatting. I took a seriously long drag, my anger rising and falling dramatically. There those fuckers were, and here I was. And not only did they look rather calm, they were all sipping on tea.

The Nerve. 

I folded my arms and looked through the glass again. How was I going to approach them this time? Take one of the ponies staring at my back and chuck them through the window? No… Too weak to do that.

Hmm...

Fuck it.

I cracked my neck and made my way to the Gingerbread door. Pushing on it, I shifted the cigarette to the side, my eye narrowing in on the ponies as the door rang an all too familiar bell.

“Ooh! Hurry up! We have another customer!”

As the doors swung shut, I breathed out, billowing some smoke into the room. The sound of clopping was distinct, and sooner rather than later, a strange stallion appeared at the counter.

He wore a square hat, with similar clothes to that of one who actually bakes. The only strange thing that set him off from others, was his strong lower jaw. And the fact that he was yellow. He wore one of those vests you’d see in an acopella group. The old timey ones with the pinstripes.

He came out smiling, “Howdy! What can… I get for you… sir?”

His smile faded rapidly upon seeing me. Figures. Regardless, I held his attention, and the attention of the six ponies who turned my world upside down. So I smiled, taking the rest of my cigarette in a quick puff,

“You sell soda here?” I asked, looking the stallion up and down. His response was almost as if I set a factory reboot on him,

“If you be talkin’ about these here fizzy drinks, we do! Got a whole buncha flavors fer’ ya too iffin ya want ‘em” He showed me what looked to be a fountain soda machine, which looked like the typical machine you’d find in a fast food joint, had the pictures of different sodas to choose from.

I nodded and gestured to what I assumed was a solid flavor choice, “Cherry. Please. These ladies,” I jutted my thumb towards the slack jawed mares, “Can cover the cost no doubt.”

The baker blinked, “Uh… Okay… Cherry Soda. HONEY!!” I watched in grim satisfaction as he took off in a gallop.

With him out of the picture, I turned to look for a chair. Finding one easily, I took that sucker and painstakingly dragged it across the floor for dramatic effect. After trying my hardest to get comfy by scooting back and forth, I coughed, causing more smoke to flow out.

Now done, I took the cigarette and put it out on the table, stuffing the rest in my side pocket. After, I sniffed, leaning back in the chair while looking around the establishment. 

Each of them held varying levels of shock except for Skittles, who in all truths, looked ready to bite my head off. Yeah well suck it. My turn to be an asshole. Actually… When am l not?

“So,” I said suddenly as one of them started to speak, “You girls best start explaining.” When they all blinked I continued, “You,” I said turning to Twilight, “Seems like you know what happened.”

Twilight opened her mouth and closed it just as quickly. But before she could try again I stopped her,

“I swear to god, if you say you fucked up your magic spell, there will be hell to pay.” She said nothing, and her silence was very disheartening.

“Hey! Who're you to think you can come in here and make a scene?” I take it Skittles doesn't like me raising the tables. She was pointing a hoof at me, to which I shrugged,

“I'm just trying to get answers. No reason to yell.”

“But y-”

I crossed my arms, “Besides, I wasn't talking to you. Was I Skittles?”

She stuttered, “No bu-”

“Then shut it. Can't you see Twilight and I are having a very intelligent conversation?”

Twilight chuckled nervously, “Uh… Heh…”

I laughed, “See!” As the group looked amongst each other I shook my head, “You six would not beLIEVE the morning I’ve had. Woke up on a roof, saw you six and I just had to say hi.”

I gestured outside, “Oh but the ponies were nice, staring at me like I was a worn out fashion. I don't blame them either.” I licked my lips, locking eyes with Twilight, “There’s one thing I don’t get though, and that's how not only did you say you messed up once, but then you go ahead and do it again.” I offered my arms out in a display, laughing aloud, 

“My luck that now I’m here with ya’ll again.”

Rainbow gritted her teeth, “Wouldn’t call it luck.”

My eye twitched, “Y’know you got a lot to say for someone within chin checking distance.”

When the room grew silent, I looked about the table again, “Look, to be completely honest, I can tell that I really don't belong here. And if I stay, I can tell you truthfully, that Skittles and I will be at each other's throats within three days.”

“Two because of your damn attitude.” She commented snidely.

I rolled my eyes, a groan escaping my mouth, “Fuck. Off.” I turned to the unicorn across the table, “I need to go back. I know we just met and all and yes, this has been a delightful time of… Wherever the hell I am. Do your fancy magic stuff or whatever.”

Twilight twiddled her hooves and bit her muzzle. I watched with eyes of stone as she began,

“Alright… You want to go back?”

“Thought I made it obvious.”

“Well. Do you want the good news first? Or the bad news?”

I pursed my lips, “I would prefer the good news first.”

Twilight sighed and said with eyes of regret,

“The good news is, I Welcome you to Ponyville, Equestria.”

I blinked, “The… Bad news?”

Twilight said slowly, “Welcome to Ponyville, Equestria. You’re… Staying here for a while.”
> A spell a day
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 3



A spell a day…


It's strange how easily life can be messed up in no time at all. If you need an example, just take a look at me. Or if you want a better example, just remember that there was another Steve on Blue's Clues that was better than the one now.

But I'm getting off topic here. Last I checked, I was in a gingerbread house, conversing with magical equines, who had brought me to two liters of cherry soda. Which, I might add, was absolutely amazing.

It was from the moment Twilight had said I was to stay here, with her and her friends, I grew silent, in a slow denial. I'm not the typa person to so easily give up. But with the things that have happened, and from what has been shown, I'm starting to think that going back to my bedroom is quite hopeless.

She explained that the magic she had used was way beyond her skill. When I asked why she had even casted it in the first place, Twilight grew hot and looked away in embarrassment. Apparently, she was trying to show someone named Celestia that she could master a master spell.

Yeah no. Leave it to the masters. Seriously.

From that point, she explained that I could've avoided this. Again, when asked why, she exploited my concern for their safety. Basically, if I hadn't been a concerned asshole, and tried to see if they were alright, I would've been okay.

Talk about a change of attitude.

So from there, I stayed silent, surprising almost everyone at the table as Twilight went on and on about magical powers and magic itself. Wish I could say I listened, but I got the point that I was pretty much stuck here. Until she could re-redo the spell correctly this time or have someone who is of higher skill help in having the spell casted.

Oh joyous day.

Hence and therefore, I needed the carbonated substance, courtesy of a guy named Mr. Cake. Thank you, you lower jaw specimen. Because all of what was happening around me was slowly becoming out of control. Though, asking myself when my life had ever been in control, caused a small migraine. So there, I stopped and started to sip away at my cold beverage.

Where was I… Ah yes. The six equines.

Whist sipping my tears away, Twilight, the pony I shall blame forever for this, asked,

“So… Now that you're going to be staying here for… Uh… Quite some time, do you mind if I ask you your name?”

I looked up and said with a straw in my mouth, “No.”

“And why's that?”

I shrugged, “You and I, although I need your help more than you need mine, are not on good terms. Personally,” The cup gargled in response to not having any liquid left as I shook the ice around, “I’d like to keep it that way.”

Twilight blinked those violet eyes, “You are not exactly somepony to easily converse with.”

“I take pride in that.” I said smugly.

Twilight shifted in her seat, “Well, I hope you don't mind if I tell you mine. I, am Twilight Sparkle.”

Pfft.

“These are my friends,” Each time her hoof rested on another pony, that individual pony spoke up, “Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash (the fucking bitch of the group), Fluttershy-” After the quiet yellow one spoke up, Twilight blinked, “Wait… Where's Pinkie?”

I raised my hand, “She’s over here. She announced she was going to sleep and then proceeded to do so on my lap.” Smiling, I laid that same hand on the sleeping pink fluff, “She is my pet now, Pinkie 3.14 is her name.”

Twilight blinked, “...Pi?”

I groaned, “You had to ruin it.”

Twilight coughed, “So now that you know our names…” I narrowed my eyes as she giggled nervously, twirling an innocent hoof towards getting more info.

Looking at all who she named, I could see that they had been silent for a reason. And it's for that same reason, that Twilight was insisting on getting a name from me.

Stranger Danger.

Sighing, I stroked Pinkie's mane, “Whatever’s the first thing that's on your mind you can call me.” Really couldn’t be bothered to just hand them my name over like this. It’s weird and something I couldn’t explain in words.

“Y’know you remind me of a tick, what with the way ya followed us here n’ all.” Said Applejack who looked pretty proud in her nicknaming skills. She laughed after saying so in which I waggled my shoulders, 

“That actually works I suppose.”

“He’s more like a parasite at this point.”

I took my napkin and threw it across the table, “PISS OFF, SKITTLES!!”

Twilight caught the napkin with her magic and said calmly, “Tick. Alright… I can make do with calling you that.”

I nodded whilst sipping on the remnants of the water soda, “Indeed.”

She clopped her hooves together, “Well, at least we know each other now.”

I put the drink in hand down, sliding it off to the side, “Hardly, Twilight. I know only that you are a creature who bears an undying sense of knowledge and the stench of friendship.”

“...Really? I do?”

I shrugged, “No. But was I close?”

Twilight blinked, “Quite. So that's a point for you.”

“YES.” I fist pumped and wiggled in my seat.

“Great. Am I the only one who sees a problem here? Because now we not only have to worry about our little adventure, but we got Tick with us. Twi, how do we explain that to Luna? Or better yet Celestia?” Said the incorrigible Rainbow Dash.

I grinned and leaned forward, “Sounds like someone's a little pissy. What's grinding your gears Dashie?”

“Tick, I swear to Celestia, if you don't shut up.” Dash added with gritted teeth.

“What, might I ask, will happen if I don't?”

“The both of you, for the love of all things sunny, be silent, Rainbow Dash, stop antagonizing Tick.” Rarity grossed from across the way.

I chuckled, “Thank you. At least one of your friends knows how much of a dick you are…”

“Careful there Tick, Twilight brought you into this world, and I can be the one to personally take you out…”

I smirked, “Right. You'd have to catch me first.”

Dash said smugly, “That, I can do.”

Twilight looked between me and Dash, eventually sighing and rubbing her hoof across her forehead, “Dash… I don't know. For once in my lifetime, I just don't know how to approach this.” Twilight said, her knowledgeable demeanor failing, “I hope you know that we did complete the spell.” She flicked her eyes to me, “But seeing Tick here… Girls,”

I raised a hand, “And Guy thank you very much.”

“...Right. But seeing Tick here creates a huge problem.”

Snickering I slurped the rest of my soda, “You and me both. And I blame it on you.”

“Noted. But… I'm more worried about other things right now, Tick.” Twilight added with narrowed eyes.

“Like?”

Twilight crossed her forearms and leaned back in her chair, “It… It can be dealt with later. Right now, I think you might want to start looking for a place to stay, and someplace fast.”

Dash looked rather happy in saying, “Oh yeah Buddy. We got a huge storm coming our way.”

“And how the hell would you know that Skittles. Please, fucking enlighten me.” I added with a wave of my hand.

The pink ball of fur woke up from her nap, “Oh… Dashie is our very own weather pony! And the outside looks really mean!”

I swiveled in my seat, squinting a look outside. Huh… So it does. I looked at Pinkie, “What else is she?”

Pinkie giggled, “Well she's..”

“None of your business, thank you very much.” Dash interrupted with a cross of her hooves, “The last thing I need is somepony else like him knowing more than he needs. For all we know, he could be a spy.”

“Dammit. How'd you know?”

I leaned to Pinkie's ear, “Pinkie 3.14, my cover has been blown. Commence action 23-19.”

Pinkie leapt onto the table and gasped, “EVERYPONY EVACUATE!!!”

I could barely contain my laughter as the cotton pinkster left the building, wailing those dreaded numbers. But my laughter was short lived when one of the mares cleared her throat,

“I find it hard to believe that you can joke in this situation.”

I wiped a tear and directed my gaze towards the one who had said such a silly statement, “Indeed. You may not know it yet, Miss Rarity, but my fucks are just not given too often.”

Rarity, the one I liked to think as the only one who hadn't done anything wrong, rolled her eyes, “Out of all the thousands you said there was of you, and we get stuck with the one for a lack of brains.”

“And heart.”

Rarity sniffed, “Fair enough. But riddle me this, Tick. You aren't in your world anymore. Here? The rules here vary differently from when we were in yours.”

As she continued, My expression grew dim, “I would sincerely advise you, sincerely, if you are to stay here for as long as you are, watch what you do. You don't want the wrong word spreading about who you are, and what it is you do.”

Twilight nodded, “Rarity is right. Tick, in a few days, my mentor will be coming to check on me. It's only natural for her to do so, but even more so now because I nearly couldn't get us back. And when she comes here, I have no power over what will happen or even, how she will react!”

My left eye twitched, “So.” I pulled out my pack of smokes and tapped it on the table, a cigarette poking out in the process. Within a second, I put it to my mouth and lit it,

“Either wise up, or? What?” I took a drag, “What could you possibly do to me that hasn't already been done? It’s not even my fault that I’m here, Twilight. It’s yours.”

When nobody answered I continued, “Is it the fact of me not caring? Well fuck you, it's what I do, Miss Rarity, in times of stress.”

I turned to Skittles, “For another, I could for sure care less if I was your friend or not. In truth, I don't need them. So please, spread the word. Your local jackass is in town. It would save me the trouble of having to push peop- Ponies away from me.” I sucked in through my teeth, “If I'm going to be in here for the long run because of your fault to mine? Then expect the worst.”

The whole shop was silent. I think it got to the point where even the outside had stopped to press its ear to the window and listen. No wait, that was just Pinkie. She held a look of shock, and a stare of… disappointment? The same could be said about the rest.

I hadn't noticed, but we weren't alone in the shop. Aside from Mr. Cake, there were ponies in farther tables, trying to eat, but had been interrupted by my rant. I took in a puff, blowing out more smoke than I thought. After which, I coughed and put the cigarette on the table, held by my fingers,

“So. There's a storm coming you say? Well, possibly since you six owe me at least one favor each, Imma agree with the purple one for once. I need someplace to hunker down.”

Dash sneered, “Definitely not my place.”

I worked my jaw and closed my eyes, “Skittles, now… Is not the time.”

Fluttershy, the quietest one of the bunch spoke up suddenly, catching me off guard and most likely the rest of them too, “I um… Have a spot… If you don't mind that is…” I glanced at her, and as soon as I did, she flinched, shying away beneath her mane.

I took the cigarette, putting it out on the table, “I don't. But do you?”

It took a while, but she poked her eye from her locks, “N...no… I have plenty of room…”

I smiled, “Well then it is settled. Unless,” I turned to the table, “One of you volunteers as Tribute?”

Every pony at the table flushed and looked away, except for the cowpony. Applejack. She frowned, crossing her hooves and glaring at me with a eye most foul,

“Sugarcube, if you treat Fluttershy with the same amount of respect as Dash, ya can expect a buck straight t’ yer grave.”

I shrugged, “Good to know. Any more threats before my, ‘marked for death ass’, walks out the door?” I raised a brow and fixed my button up, straightening it so that I wouldn't get chilled as I stepped out.

“Yes actually,” said Twilight, who stood as soon as I did, “I want to see you at the Library tomorrow. I should be able to get the library ready for you by then anyways.” She shook her head, her mane softly fluttering left to right, "One of the rooms is being used right now but I should have a spot for you by the morning."

“What time?”

“Six o’clock. Sharp.”

I coughed, “Fuck that. Seven o’clock dull. No later.”

Twilight looked flustered, “Bu… But that's breakfast!”

I sighed, “Sorry Miss Sparkle. I am not a morning person.”

Fluttershy trotted out first, leaving me to tip my head, “Ta ta!~” I pushed open the door and stepped out.

I was greeted by dozens of eyes. Each holding different emotions, to which I could point out at being scared, shock (a most common emotion I've been seeing lately), and confusion.

I fixed my collar, groaning internally. When they wouldn't stop staring, I shook my head and followed the now hovering Fluttershy,

“God, y'all act like you've never seen something like me bef-… STOP STARING!!” I was talking to Fluttershy at first, but had to stop and yell at the ponies who had started to follow us.

Fluttershy gulped, “Well… If you don't mind me stating the obvious… But we haven't…”

I put my hands inside my pockets, “Hmmph… Fear of the unknown and all speech. I understand. The least they could do is take a picture or something though. It's a lot better than putting a hole in the back of my head.” Fluttershy agreed with a small smile, slowing her flying so that she matched my pace.

So, I've only seen pieces of this town. Which for iconic reasons, is named Ponyville. Hearing the name sends grins and giggles up my spine, so imma avoid using it to ensure I look less manic.

It was technically small in standards, having only few main buildings within the major portion of the center. Where all these damn ponies came from was beyond me. Probably inside those complexes in the outer portion of Ponyville.

The Mayor of this little town in Equestria… E-Quest-Ria… he mayor of this town calls herself Mayor Mare. I know this now because I bumped into her on purpose. She was in my way reading some important shit, so I moved her.

It wasn't a forceful shove, no. I just picked her up and put her down on the opposite side. Away from me. Well this led to her begging the soon to be annoying question of, “What? Hey.. -Please put me down…” Cue the stare… Now cue,

“What are you?”

Ah. Great. I'll have you know that that question is rather rude and if they weren't technically a girl, I’d’ve punched her in the throat by now. But with a forced smile, I told her,

“Nothing important Miss. I'll be on my way.”

But of course some people, which should now be labeled as Ponies, don't take a brush off so easily,

“Well… Excuse me!” She had caught up to me by stepping in front of my path, “I haven't seen you in Ponyville before!”

I blinked, “Oh my god you haven't?”

“No I haven't.”

I said with a frown, “Probably because I just got here.”

Good lord her face was priceless, “You - Indeed?”

I blinked and looked around, noticing the authoritative pin on her suit,

“Quite. See, I'm here on special business. I travel from town to town and evaluate its townliness.”

Mayor Mare looked quite flushed, “But the annual Town to Town Towliness isn't for another three weeks!”

“Well there's a reason we are called punctual, Miss.” I said punctuating each word.

The Mayor fixed her glasses and chuckled nervously, “Well please, don't let me keep you… Sorry for being in your way, and If you ever need me, you can find me in the Town Hall.”

I dipped my head and watched her go, taking glances behind herself to see me waving at her. When she was out of sight, I nudged the floating pegasus, “Did you see that?” I turned to Fluttershy who was staring at me with concern, “Priceless!”

“You love to see ponies suffer, don't you.”

I held my sides and laughed, “Pretty much.”

Fluttershy shook her head and flew away, causing me to stop my charade and follow her. But as we continued, I couldn't help but start laughing again whenever I remembered the remnants of pure, ‘what the fuck’, on the Mayor's face.

Oh this was going to be fun.


O.o.O.o.O


The weather turned from happy go Sunshine to shit in seconds. And from where I was, I could clearly see several pegasus's pushing the storm clouds too. So that's how they did their weather?

“Um… Wipe your… Hooves please…”

Oh, right. It took Fluttershy and I a few minutes to get to her house. She wasn't that far from Ponyville really. It was just a huge climb up to where she lived. The only hiccups were that I had to stop and pick gravel out of my foot every so often. No wounds or cuts yet but the bottom of my foot could pass as braille for a blind person.

Her house was huttish but as I wiped my feet off and stepped in, it reminded me of the hobbit huts you’d expect from The Lord of the Ring. The inside was bigger than the outside.

However, don't get me wrong, the only thing weird was the copious amount of animals. A house isn't like outside, the wild. It's technically supposed to be a place of respite and constant relaxation. I don't want to step inside my house and find a fucking sloth hanging off the railing. It's quite the mind fucker that is.

As Fluttershy came in, she shut the door rather quietly, soon after, the rain began pouring. And boy did it come down hard. I could've sworn I heard Skittles laughing above it all.

But who's laughing now ya technicolor freak? 

“Sorry about the mess…”

Hearing her speak, I looked around. Aside from the animals about her living room, kitchen area and most likely upstairs, It was rather clean in here,

“Mess huh? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were expecting someone.”

Fluttershy giggled, “Well you can never be too sure. I always have Rainbow Dash stopping by, so I try my best.”

“It's even more challenging with your animals here too I suppose?”

Fluttershy shook her head multiple times, “Oh goodness no. My animal friends help me clean actually,”

Come again? Animals? Friends? Oh please don't tell me I'm dealing with a crazy cat pony… Person… DAMMIT!!

“Well, I’m impressed. You saw the state of my place when y'all poofed in, looks alot better than mine.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Fluttershy’s cheeks flush pink and an even bigger smile cross her face,

“Thank you, Tick…”

I shrugged, “Mhmm.”

Outside a large flash, followed by a bellowing boom, sounded the whole abode. It all happened at once too, casting the lights of her different animals to a brilliant white.

It startled me slightly, and even worse for the shy pony. After getting over the initial shock of the storm coming down on us, I looked around and took in how dark it’d gotten.

Fluttershy walked forward and past the couch in the back. She reached onto the mantle above the furniture and grasped a candle. One magical match later and she had the candlelight going.

Now all that was needed was the fancy music and spare table. I could go for poker now that I think about it.

She walked over to where I was standing, a small smile evident,

“Tick, how about I show you around?”

I blinked, “That seems to be reasonable at the moment.”

Since seeing the six, this here pony I had rarely seen or heard too much of. She had been quiet when we met and quieter when we were at the cafe. But when she was with her animals and in her own house, I guess she was her own social butterfly.

Oooooooh. Flutter-shy I get it now that's rich. 

Fluttershy began her roomy tour with the two of us speeding past several animals, which I might add stopped and took their time to stare.

We entered the kitchen first, and as we moved to and fro, I eyed the room. It wasn't large, it was the perfect size. It actually surprised me in such a way that I looked behind me and thought about how she could feed so many of her animals.

Fluttershy went on about how she cooked in this room, using her hoof to show different areas,

“Here's the fridge…”

“I knew that. My best friend is a fridge.”

Fluttershy blinked, “Your… Best friend? I thought you said you didn't have any friends?”

I coughed, “Ouch. Moving on. Oh! I see you have a toaster, that's cool.” I said pointing at what I assumed to be the device that cooked sliced bread.

Fluttershy jumped at the topic switch and stuttered, “Oh.. Yes… The toaster…”

From there, we went from the kitchen to her living space. She moved around the room and pointed out different spots that her animals lived in. She even hushed me when I tried to point out that there was a snake just chilling on the coffee table.

I fucking hate snakes.

But besides that, she surprisingly didn't wise up and point to the couch, telling me that I was going to be sleeping there tonight. So imagine my surprise when we moved towards the upstairs portion, showing me just the one bedroom and bathroom.

“Here's the bathroom…”

I raised a brow, “Am I sleeping in the tub?”

Fluttershy rolled her eyes and for once didn't comment. Dammit… She must be learning my sarcasm…

“This is my room. Tonight, you'll be sleeping here.”

I backpedaled, “Huh? Wait what?”

Fluttershy turned and smiled, “The pillows and sheets have been washed, so I can assure you that they are clean.”

I sputtered, “But that's your room. I'm fine with the couch. Hell, throw me into the tub please.”

Fluttershy giggled, “That won't be necessary. You can throw yourself into the bed by yourself. It's just for tonight until Twilight can help you get set up.”

I crossed my arms and grumbled, “I wasn't… Worrying…”

“Right. And I'm brave.”

I scoffed, “Alright, fine. Fine. May I at least have one request?”

Fluttershy stopped at the head of the steps, “Yes?”

I pointed to the bathroom, “Can I use your shower? I probably smell, so.”

Fluttershy nodded, “Of course. The towels are already on the rack, I'll wash them in the morning.”

I watched as she disappeared, her candlelight dancing away. After, I turned and sighed, stepping into the cramped shower room. There was an already lit lantern hanging above the mirror and sink, taking it off the hook, I had to duck my head to take a look around the room.

In short, it was rather squished together. More so on the fact that everything was in reach. So say I wanted to take a shit, which I did, I could then easily stand and wash my hands, or shower right after.

Anyways, I began the pre-shower ritual. My clothes were damp, and smelled of horse. So I planned on getting my clothes wet, and dried while washing.  Nothing should be said for the shower, other than the pale yellow color. And even that is too much to be said about it. Don't even get me started on her hair products either… Man. Imma miss my Old Spice stuff. 

As I stepped into the small compartment, I looked around for the water knobs and spotted them closer to the ground. Blinking, I bent down and stopped midway after my ass hit the wall and rubbed against the plastic, eliciting another horrendous noise. I closed my eyes and sighed, eventually finding a way to count to twenty. After that small export of steam, I bent further and turned the water on.

Either I'm stupid, or stupid is me? Cold water hit me first, and needless to say, I may have, or may not have screamed like a bitch, twirling that damnable knob so that it was off.

After standing there shivering for a few minutes, I stepped out and this time stood away from the spout of water. Testing to make sure it was hot enough, I grunted in relief and allowed the water to take me away. I made sure to wash my clothes first, albeit using Fluttershy’s hair stuff, I scrubbed the suds and wrung them away from the spigot. Once they were, damp, and not dripping - I tossed them over near the door, shutting the curtain when I was finished.

“Um… Tick?”

Fuck.

“Yeah?”

Fluttershy’s timid response, “I… Um… I think Angel Bunny is in there…”

I spit some water out, “What? Angel who?”

Fluttershy raised her voice, “Angel Bunny! I think he might be in here!”

I sighed and threw the curtains aside, “Should I be concerned?”

“Well… He might have to get out…”

For the love o- oh…

“I think I found him!”

Yeah… The bunny… Shit. He was under my pile of clothes. Currently, said pile was moving on its own towards the door, banging against it repeatedly.

“Yeah, he's at the door! Imma hop out the shower real qu-”

I could say nothing further as Fluttershy opened the door as I stepped out of the shower. Regardless of what was going to happen, My mind went into, ‘Oh Fuck’, mode. I threw my arms out, barreling past the shower curtains and face planted the shower wall, insomuch that it knocked the breath away from me.

Unfortunately, the curtains were the drag alongs, so instead of the curtains tearing off like I had planned, the bastards instead moved to the left, leaving my slumped form exposed and out in the open.

“Oh Angel… Bunny… oh…”

Y’know… I think god is laughing at me. Either that's him, or Skittles.


O.o.O.o.O


I'm going to say that I feel so sorry for that poor creature. To see such a beached whale was quite unacceptable. Regardless, I admire her quick actions of scooping her bunny and slamming the door in two seconds. Kudos Fluttershy. Kudos.

I didn't see her for quite some time after that. It was only until nightfall did she decide to show her muzzle. And even then, it had a blush. For what reason, I didn't know. And I was not to find out anytime soon. But what I did find out, was that shy pony, was cook pony. And cook pony, is now favorite pony.

She made me the best meal of what I could assume was a healthy salad and the side of some sort of fries. Either way, both dishes were amazing. After dinner, she went to bed. Simple as that I guess. She took that white bunny of hers and fell the fuck to sleep. 

I told her it wasn’t to much of a problem for me to just clean up after us as there was her dish and mine. She tried saying that it was fine again, to which I vehemently was against her washing up after me. 

Once she had gone into the room, I followed shortly after taking a few moments to have a smoke outside. The rain had cleared up, and my clothes were drying on the clothesline Fluttershy said she had.

So there I was, stoic as all hell with just my boxers. Felt pretty damn proud of myself right then. After taking a long pull, I put the cigarette out with a flick and went back inside, shutting the door with minimal effort. 

But when my eyes laid on the sleeping equine. I couldn't help but feel a pang of regret. It only came natural when I was about to sleep in her house really.

But Am I really about to take her hospitality to the edge?

I did show her my ass…

BESIDES THAT. I feel it's only right that the owner sleeps in their own bed. I am a gentleman after all. Chivalry is my middle name.

God that sounded cliche as hell.

Her animals were stretched in various positions around her, even the snake, taking its throne on the table. So with careful steps, I tiptoed around the sleeping animals and stopped in front of Fluttershy.

I had to physically stop myself from puking rainbows when I saw how fucking adorable she was sleeping like that.

So the rainbow puking had to wait. 

She held her bunny tight, both snuggled under a pink fluffy blanket. I stooped to their level and bit my lip as I shifted the blanket under Fluttershy, picking her up in the process.

Amazingly, she wasn't all that heavy. So I had no problems in taking her up the stairs. Now, when I put her in her bed, I about had a heart attack when she stirred. But the only thing she did was grasp for her pillow and nod back off again.

So with my heroic deed done, I crept from the bedside, turning the lantern down on her nightstand so that the light was barely visible. 

As I made my way downstairs, I shook my head, trying to come up with reasons as to why I would do that for someone that I barely even know. Again, Chivalry is my middle name. It could also be the fact that Pegasus’s (Pegasi?) are technically mythical creatures. Maybe I could get some good karma out of this.

I reached the living room and fumbled around the awake and sleeping creatures, eventually finding the couch. Once I was sure that the couch cushions did not hold any animals that might die due to impromptu crushing, I cozied myself up with a spare blanket that had been draped over the back and sighed softly.

Tomorrow is a new day. 

I fell asleep pretty quickly when the rain started again.
> The Tree House - Emphasis on Tree.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 4


The Tree House - Emphasis on Tree


“Hey. Tick.” A nudge. A harsh poke. A sigh.

“He’s out like a light. AJ, get some water from the sink.”

That is a voice I did not want to hear. Internally I groaned, trying to block out the noise as she continued trying to poke me awake.

I could hear the grind of metal followed by the rushing of water.

“I dunno about this sugarcube.”

“Daw, he ain’t gonna do nuthin. Maybe get red in the face but that's about it.”

I swear, on my auntie's grave, and on the many others, that I will kill her. I could understand prodding me awake, or yes, maybe doing a harmless shaving cream hand slap. I applaud her enthusiasm - But dear, it will take more than that to wake me.

So that's happened. It took two to tango, and just one of the two to pour the water. I was soaked instantly, the animals I assume that were on or around me, running away when the water splashed everywhere. Much to my chagrin, I heard two sets of laughter.

“Heheh. He's still asleep. Why… Is he still asleep?”

Because you wouldn't believe how many times someone has tried that trick. Worked the first few times, failed the rest. And it's because I'm tired you arrogant arsehole. Now leave.

“You could always ask him nicely to wake up.”

Pfft.

“Yeah, right. So, you expect me to say please?”

It would be a start. And would probably make my morning, just a little bit better. I waited in a silence before the voice of all bitchiness sighed,

“Please, wake up.”

… Must I? Ah crap… No… DON'T OPEN YOUR EY-

Fluttershy's house, I was on the couch, my chest and lower half was wet. I was not a happy camper at the moment. 

“Rainbow Dash, Applejack. Oh dear god why. Did you think that was a good idea?”

I jerked my gaze to the left to see Skittles hovering lazily, a bored expression on her face,

“I was tired of poking you.”

“And so water was a choice.”

Dash shrugged, “At the time. Yes.”

I narrowed my eyes, “I outta shoot you.” 

She raised her hooves, “Hey now, don't be like that. You'll dry…”

I sat up and showed her my dripping form.

“Eventually.” She added with a growing smile.

Oh…. Please let me smack a hoe and be done with it. Please. My guess was that these two jokesters… Applejack included, had something planned. After all, they did wake me up. Ah right, Twilight wanting to see me. I sighed through my nostrils and rubbed my face,

“What time is it? Feels early.” I took a peek out the window past Rainbow Dash, seeing that the sun had barely crested over the forest. 

Applejack snorted and took the jug of wat- THEY USED A JUG?!? THAT THING'S BIGGER THAN MY CHEST!!

“It's about six. And a might’ walk to Twilights. We made sure you was up and on time.”

I nodded and shivered, “Yeah, and you probably wanted to make sure Fluttershy was alright.”

“Now what makes you think that?” Said Dash.

I crossed my arms and raised a brow, choosing to remain silent since that was a viable option. Applejack merely smirked and flicked her tail as she disappeared into the Kitchen,

“It’s all in good faith Sugarcube. Glad to see it wasn’t wasted on ya.”

“Making me feel real nice about myself.” I replied sourly, flicking my hands at the other bodyguard spraying water all over her. She in turn did what I assume was a ‘Fuck You’ minus the clenched fist. 

I cracked my neck and sat up, the cold chill slowly creeping in. “Alright, Let me get dressed. And sulk towards the fact that I'm still here, in your world.”

Skittles smiled, “Don't take too long.”

I flicked her on the nose as I scooted past her, earning a vicious stare, “Unless you plan on joining me I won't.”


O.o.O.o.O


I grunted as I began to climb the steps towards the bathroom. I had in my hands, my dried clothes. I have to remember to thank Shy pony for being nice enough to hang up my attire. Although they had been outside, drying during the nighttime, I was at least lucky the morning dew ain’t get to ‘em. So, With the goal of looking at least presentable, I walked into the bathroom.

This was not your typical morning. Besides from the amount of animals I had to push myself past, the only thing I could at least count as normal, was really, the awful thought of my breakfast cravings.

Shutting the door, I laid out my attire - careful to shoo away any animals in the bathroom lest there would be an incident like yesterday again. My clothes had dried, thankfully, but I was hesitant on doing the pants. My boxers were still wet, and I was kind of soaked. With quick thinking, I took a nearby towel and used it to try and soak up as much as I could.

I discarded the towel neatly afterwards, and tried to put on the sh-

“You done yet?”

Out of all the moments in the day, out of every minute in one hour, WHY NOW?! I could feel my eyes roll over several times before I answered,

“Would it make you feel ANY better if I said no?”

As I put my blue button-up on, I heard Skittles sigh, “Now that I think about it…”

In a quick moment, I opened the door with the wet towel in hand cocked back as if it were a live grenade. In the next, I had thrown it at the floating pegasus in the hallway, pegging her in the mouth. She did a cartwheel midair and shook her head, I sneered from the doorway,

“Now that I think about it-” I closed the door and continued putting on my clothes.

There was a short bout of laughter that faded away slowly. When it disappeared, I slammed on my trousers and socks, pulling my shoe on without effort.

Rainbolic bastard…

Finally done with the clothing, I exited the bathroom, my mood slowly rising when I saw Fluttershy standing at the foot of her door.

Mood Rising. I know that's Crazy right.

She looked rather down, couldn't blame her, I was too. But from the look on her face, I'd say that there was another reason. Her eyes averted mine, and somehow, she didn’t hide behind her mane… still, she mumbled out a,

“Oh hello Tick.”

Blinking, I tried my best to smile, “Howdy. Erm - Nice morning?”

“Oh… Yes… It's um… Quite lovely -The sun I mean.”

So it's gonna be one of these conversations. Okay. Fluttershy moved to the left and looked away, allowing me to clear my throat, hopefully ending this conversation,

“Hey, thanks for letting me stay over. Really. I uh -” I scratched the back of my head as Fluttershy blushed, “- appreciate it. Hopefully I can make it up to you.”

Fluttershy smiled awkwardly, “No worries Tick. It was my pleasure…”

Chuckling, I nodded whilst clearing my throat, “Right well. Imma get goin’.”

I didn't really wait for her response, and in truth, I don't think she wanted to either, because at about the same time, She went into the bathroom, and I chucked myself down the stairs in an unorderly fashion. The result was me faceplanting the bottom of the steps due to the difference in architecture. I wasn’t tall in any regard, but I was larger than most ponies I had seen. So the whole scramble down the stairs aspect was lost on my footing.

Amidst landing at the bottom, I cursed several of my ancestors and looked up from the floor. Dash and Applejack were both waiting, the bitchier of the two eventually checking her forearm, as if she had a watch.

“You ready to go now?”

Shutting my eyes, I counted to twenty one and smiled, “Yes, Dash, by all means, escort me to Twilight. Without breakfast I might add.”

Dash shared a look to Applejack who in turn nodded, randomly pulling an apple out from her hat. Applejack tossed it to me with a grin, “Twilight’s got breakfast ready at her place. That's just ta’ get ya started.”

“Okay? Feeling like I'm being rationed… Thanks Jack.” I added nonchalantly.

“It's Applejack.”

I shrugged and took a bite of the apple pushing past the two of them, “I've already made nicknames for five of you. Just need to come up with a nickname for Rarity…”

I tapped my chin as both mares sighed, “Eh… I'll do it later.”

“AJ are you sure you can’t just take him yourself? All I want to do right now is go back to my cloud honestly.”

I stopped midchew, my eyes slowly falling onto the multicolor mare, seems AJ had the same idea. Both Applejack and I gave Dash a glare, the former being the one to trot out of the door first.

As we exited, both mares shouted their goodbyes and left their friend in her house. AND SO! ADVENTURE!


O.o.O.o.O


“And that's how I totally saved us. Pretty cool right?”

Ugh… if there's one thing I hate more than her attitude, it's moreover on how much she brags. Good Christ. First, she bragged about how fucking large she made the storm the other day, ending it with her prowess on the story now.

“Uh huh… Very cool. Say, how about we play the quiet game? Hm? That sound cooler?” I said, lips pursed tightly.

AJ agreed, from the actions her eye did, twitching and all. But Dash laughed and did a few flips in midair,

“Oh come on, ya gotta admit, I was pretty awesome.”

AJ sighed, “Y’know, I hafta agree with Tick, Dash. I don't remember runnin’ away from Discord with m’ tail between mah hooves.”

Well, hopefully you can make sense of what she said, because in due respects, I had NO idea what had happened. One minute, I'm walking out Fluttershy's house, on my way towards Twilights. No big deal. The next glorious moment, Dash ends up riveting both AJ and I with one of her, Tails. Yes, I fucking punned. Get over it.

Her story, “quote, end quote”, Involved her friends, but portrayed herself as the hero. If you catch my drift, making sails towards the answer, you'll recognize the fact that I paid absolutely no attention, and ended up wasting about half an hour of my life. At least we were closer to Twilight's than before. 

Hoorah!

Now, thanks to our event equalizing equine, and her plagiarism, I had to give more attention to what was going on around me. Which, mind, was hard to do when I wanted to punch the next thing I saw.

So I resorted to smoking. Haphazardly, I nearly dropped my pack into a puddle while lighting myself. Thankfully, I was able to catch it. God help this world if I can't smoke.

We passed by the food court again, my mouth instantly watered when we walked nearby that Gingerbread house. Sugarcube Corner.

The day before, I remember recalling the different structural anomalies that stood out from the colorful village I was in, those respectively being Sugarcube Corner, the Forest, the Clock Tower, Town Hall and that Tree/house.

Well, if my info serves me right, Twilight lives in that tree. Apparently, said tree was a library. And said library was about half a mile from where Fluttershy lived. But we three jocks made good time.

We passed by the townlier portion of Ponyville, where almost all the ponies lived; after about ten minutes into Dash's story. (And wishing I had mouthwash to wash my eyeballs with) I bumped into a white mare with headphones on. What was she listening to anyways? 

The two of us exchanged a short head nod as she found her footing. I watched her go exhaling a cloud of toxic gas. Imma refer any mind fucks I run across, as Equestrian Logic. 

The next ponies we ran into knew Applejack and Rainbow Dash very well. But they stopped and took a moment to look at the other thing walking with them over a couple of times.

Look, I'm not an attraction, nor am I anything that fucking scary. Stop Staring. 

Thankfully, I was graced with the wholehearted interruption of a Pie, that was Pink. Again, if I were to guess on how, or even when she did it, I would point you in the direction of Equestrian Logic. In short, 3.14 turned up,

“Heya Tick!”

And it was either the way she presented it, or how she suddenly appeared, Blue eyes and all. But because of so, I wasn't able to formulate a response quick enough, so it came out like a strangulated gasp of air.

“That’sm’namewhoareyouagain?”

Pinkie hopped off my.. forehead.. however in the hell she'd managed to do that, and landed neatly in front of me.

“Heya Ticky!” She repeated.

I blinked, “Pinkie… Uh… Hi. Nice of you to… drop by.”

“Yep! I heard Dashie and Applejack were taking ya to Twilights! Thought I’d tag along too!”

It's the logic, really, that utterly kills my mind, reducing it to nothing but rubble like a fallen building. As she responded, I couldn't help but allow my mind to drift, causing my mouth to drop, this included the cigarette falling out. I could practically hear the tinnitus as Pinkie started rambling on.

“Right. That's great, um. Let me just,” I turned and said lowly so 3.14 couldn't hear,

“One of you? Explain.”

“Pinkie being Pinkie.”

“A liable answer Skittles. I mean, why the fuck is she following us? How did she even know where to find me?”

Applejack shrugged, “It's one of them Pinkie moments, Tick. She just does what she wants.”

With a sigh, I rubbed my face and thought of another Logic besides Equestrian. I now refer to it as Pinkie Logic. So far, I really haven't been able to comprehend what she even does. I watched as Pinkie fell in line with Rainbow Dash and Applejack, as we all continued across a bridge of sorts.

And there it was.

So, my definition of a tree house, is literally, a small, built together house inside of a tree.  It was an Oak, from the looks of it, and had some neutral things like windows and a door in the front. Then of course, as I looked up, there was a balcony that led into some sort of room.

Huh… Cool.

To start off such an observation, I stated the obvious, “Okay. So we have here, a Tree Library. Very nice. Should I be worried about falling branches?”

Dash flew beside me, “No. Not really. Now the books are a different subject.”

“Good to know.”

The three mares took lead, all of them entering casually. It took me a moment to realize that Pinkie had already knocked on the door. The conversation between the three of them spurred my curiosity,

“Where's Spike?”

“Over at Rarity’s for the day.”

Spike? Is that another pony? Pfft, weird name. Anyways, I entered after them, shutting the door with a sniff.

The inside was spacious, and I might add quite… Treeish. Its what you'd actually think was inside of a tree really. The whole house had a very soft green glow from the sap colored windows. There was a second floor, added on top of it was probably where Twilight slept.

I haven't seen her hide yet, so that's what my assumption is.

There was another portion that made me go, ‘ahh’, in which I now know why they called it the… Golden Oak Library? Anyway, there was a section just for books.

Reminded me of my high school library.

The three mares took refuge on a couch, placed somewhere in the middle of the room, immediately striking up some kind of conversation amongst themselves.

Beside thecouch, was the… Kitchen? Hold up..

HOLD UP.

Let me do the math… Two plus two equals four… Carry the three, add two more and… Yep. Who the hell places a KITCHEN, inside of a tree?!

Answer? Fucking Equestria does ladies and gents! Hold your applause.

“Oh hello girls!...” Amidst my rambling, Twilight had appeared from the upstairs, her room obviously. She looked sleep deprived and was rather jerkish in her movements.

Wait for it.

“Tick.”

I laughed and turned, throwing my arms out, “Miss Sparkle! A pleasure! How do you fare this fine morning?”

Heh. Mission accomplished in making her hella confused,

“F-fine…”

Twilight looked different today, her hair was all frizzled, eyes were darting back and forth, and I was quite certain that she was shaking. Oh god, who gave the unicorn caffeine?

"I'm glad to see that Applejack and Rainbow Dash could get you up. And early, I might add.”

I shrugged as I looked for a place to plant my ass, “Well, they were very eager in their attempts to arise me from my slumber. Case in point, water, is not a good thing to wake up to.”

Twilight let the realization sink in, and had to hold in her laughter as she clambered down the stairwell, “They… Poured water on you?”

I raised a brow, “Yeah? But that didn't work out well for them. Dash had to end up saying please.”

Said mare stuck her tongue out at me.

Twilight smiled, shaking her head as she sat in a chair, “Well, I just want you to answer a few things, maybe talk with us more.”

“Uh huh. Talk, right…”

“Just try to bear with me please.”

As she spoke, I took the comfy chair that was behind me and popped a cigarette out,

“Ask away, Twilight.”

“You never answered my first question.”

I lit myself up, “You’re being very vague Twilight.”

Twilight deadpanned, “Funny. Tick, what are you?”

I inhaled albeit quickly, ending up nearly hacking a lung, “I don't seem to comprehend what your question is.”

Twilight blinked and quickly formulated a response, “Well… You're different. Not in a mean way. But physically different. You aren't a Minotaur, definitely not a changeling…”

I stopped coughing and chuckled, “Changeling? Minotaur? Jeez, look at those ugly bastards, and then me. Compared to them, I'm like a model.”

Pinkie waved from the couch, “Don’t let Rarity catch ya saying that!”

I smiled, “Thanks Pinks.”

Twilight looked behind herself and then towards me, “Well understand where I'm coming from. I was up most of yesterday night looking through the entire library, trying to figure out what you were.” She looked defeated, “I couldn't find anything.”

Twilight then gazed at me with curious eyes, “But you have an answer right? Or are you going to beat around the bush again?”

Sighing, I rubbed my forehead, “Alright. Guess it wouldn't hurt to tell. How do I uh… Explain this - oh, I got it. I'm a… Human.”

Twilights eyes sparked with recognition, “Human? That's what you are?”

I blinked, “Uh, pretty sure, yeah.”

“Wow. Okay, it appears I owe Lyra some bits…”

I raised an eyebrow, “Lyra?”

Twilight nodded, “Yes, Hearthstrings, an, enthusiast of sorts.”

I smirked, “Sounds creepy enough.”

Twilight snickered, “Quite. But beyond that. I believe Lyra, might be able to fill me in on your species.”

“Now you're making me out to be useless.”

Dash perked up, “The apple's not too far from the tree, Tick.”

Looking over Twilight, I frowned, “I’m not the one who knocked it down Skittles.”

When no one rebuked, Twilight turned and said with more vigor in her eyes than before,

“Well, answer what you can and if you get uncomfortable with the questions let me know. This could help me aid you back to your home after all.”

In response I sighed again, but begrudgingly gave her an A-Okay hand gesture, waving her to continue, “Ask away.”

Twilight and I sat there for a good thirty or so minutes, back and forth like it were twenty questions. It wasn’t an interview and thankfully she only asked questions that pertained to humans themselves and not personal questions. And if it was a personal question I told her outright to move on and let things lay as it were. 

I told her general things about us as a species, and what we did day to day which was basically what Twilight and her friends did day to day. There wasn’t much difference albeit the lack of hair, and being on all fours. Twilight wrote all of it down, sparing not a single letter nor pronounced word, her floating quill moving as fast as I could tell her what she wanted.

Eventually she grew silent and reviewed the several pages that she had written down. After sparing them all a glance she looked up,

“I have more questions for you. But I do need to tell you something.”

I rolled my eyes, “Goodie. I'm guessing now that I gave you the info you can take me home? But at the cost of something…” I rubbed my chin, “I can't offer my body. That's kinda weird…” The looks on everyone's faces was well worth the phrase.

“If I said I could take you home, I would be lying to you,” Twilight said as she trotted back from the kitchen, she had in her magical grasp; tea, “So, the truth, is Princess Celestia, My mentor and teacher, is coming to Ponyville.”

Twilight offered me the drink, to which I raised an answer, “Oh right right, Celestia. You said she was coming in a few days. Didn’t know she was a Princess.” As I took the drink from her, Twilight nodded,

“Correct. Originally she was going to do a routine stop and check in with us. But her plans have changed. She said to me in a recent note that she would like to meet you as soon as possible.”

Oh… Quick question, Exactly, how the hell did this day escalate? Like, seriously. One minute, im being awoken by a pegasus.

Okay.

Then, I have an awkward delusion with Shy.

Alright.

Next, Pinkie Happens.

Which I'm still trying to figure out how that happened…

Now, I gotta meet some Princess 

Which by the way. I was undoubtedly curious. I asked who Celestia was and Twilight responded with some mumbo jumbo about a wonderful pony, and mother to all. And it went on from there. I was intrigued at the perspective of who this Princess was, and it got even more interesting when Twilight told me what she does as princess, because apparently, some magical unicorn/pegasus can raise and lower the sun. As pious as it sounds, said Princess is the ruler of this kingdom, and is quite powerful. Obviously a shitty teacher for Twilight, but powerful.

Honestly this had seriously caught my attention, I put the tea on the table in front of me, crossing the non-shoed foot as Twilight said with an averted eye,

“So you can see why I wanted to ask you some things before she gets here.”

I scoffed, “Well hell Twi, You got me in another knot here, and I can't fucking get out. I mean this is a Princess that is coming by. If the roles were reversed, and you were in my world, it’d be the President.” Throwing my arms out I laughed at the thought, “How am I supposed to act in front of Royalty hmmm?”

Twilight pursed her lips, “Well…”

Matter of fact, I held a finger out, “How long have you known she had changed plans?”

Twilight looked as if she were doing math inside her head, “Oh… About thirteen hours?”

“And what time is she coming by?”

Twilight blushed, “She’s… should be here now.”

On cue a trumpet blare, I shit you not, played from somewhere behind me followed by the unmistakable sound of clip clops drawing near.

“Now announcing the arrival of Princess Celestia!”

Grinding my teeth, I shot Twilight a venomous stare as the door to the library swung open.
> Blue 42 - Hut, hUT
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 5



Blue 42 - Hut, hUT


The door swung open with a presence, as if it had a mind of its own. What followed suit was three guards, all clad in a beautiful set of golden armor. Their physical features were present in the face, but body wise covered from head to toe. The three of them were almost a complete set, one a pegasus, the other a unicorn, the last a regular dude. 

After the door hit the wall, swinging completely open, the three guards looked around the room. Typical security detail assessment. I’ve always wanted to see knights though so I was having a blast watching them scour the library for any immediate threats.

But the elephant in the room would be me. I assume they were only used to seeing their kind, I.E an Equine, littering the streets and houses. So when the one with the horn on her head saw me; it was gotime. 

“Get it!!”

“Celestia, WHAT IS IT!?”

“PROTECT THE PRINCESS!!”

I was full body tackled to the ground. It legitimately felt like I was hit with a fucking bowling ball. But instead of one, it was moreover three. Don't take that out of context.

I wish I had a camera. The look on my face was probably priceless. Being one minute, sitting peacefully, to the next on the ground. Regardless, I flipped the table along the way. Not how I would do it, but hey, what's done is done.

We four idiots hit the floor and rolled, my face ending up colliding into a cyan colored ass, which turns out, kicked me away later. Amidst seeing stars and the vocal complaints of Twilight somewhere off in the background I tasted iron from what I assume was now a split lip. Combined with the efforts of none, I lost the battle, and admitted defeat in five seconds.

They did what I suspected guards of any sort would do, and subdued me to a point where I was spread out across the floor. And indeed, would be humorous from a different position, other than the floor, in which I looked like a starfish with my body being flattened by god knows how much weight. It was that, and the confused faces being passed around as they tossed me to and fro.

As I struggled, one of the burlier knights slapped something on my wrists, prohibiting any movements of them. Next, all three lifted me up, one of them glaring at me with his horn glowing. 

“Under the jurisdiction of the princ….”

I stopped listening after that, it was at times like these that my humor always won. I had to be the one to do it, and Dash on the couch could see what was coming, her head slowly shaking. I licked my lips, laughing dryly,

“A good Hi, or, hello would've sufficed…”

Cue the facepalms. Or would it be facehoofs?

The guard who had his horn raised was going to remark, his eyes flashing with some sort of venom... but, as I prepared my asshole for a clench most foul, a voice struck from the entryway,

Said voice cut through the tension like a knife on butter, silencing all and craning heads towards its way. Here, is my next question.

Have you ever heard a voice, one of which, that could bestill an entire room? One, that could very well calm a stormy sea, make one stutter in awe, and to top it off, quench a fire's thirst? Wow, that was actually kinda poetic…

Shit, wait. The voice, right,

Well, when she came in, her voice was golden, smoothed against my ears as if silk, and was much more regal than any other I have heard of before. And the way she laughed, sounded like the tinkling of bells.

“Hello.”

So that is Celestia. Well excuse me, Princess Celestia = In her somewhat glory, stood there, a gentle smile on her face, but concern etched in her eyes.

From what Twilight had told me, I expected something entirely different. But to see this before me… I was very much in awe. Within a fraction of a second, I glanced her over, taking in what I could. She was pearly white, shimmering almost, but had enough razzle dazzle, to take the sun off the scoreboard. For most manes, I could see why some wanted to let their hair lay flat. But… For the Princess, she let it run wild. Quite literally. And with a multitude of colors I might add. And yeah, I could see where the motherly part came in as she regarded everyone in the room with care.

The stunning part of it all, was that she was both Pegasus and Unicorn. A PEGACORN? It took me a moment to see her wings tucked beneath her armor… Or was it a chest plate? Either way, an insignia bequeathed her armor, a sun.

As I gawked at her form, the Knights of Celestia prepared to do something. The unicorn pointed her horn at me again, this time the tip of it lighting up for what I assumed was some magickz.

So I snapped from my haze and gave Celestia a shit eating grin,

“Hi.”

What? It was all I could say.

“Princess Celestia!” Ah Twilight, so you are the one who has sent me to my death. Just ignore me then I guess…The Purple unicorn seemingly bolted towards her mentor, stopping barely in front of her for the both to lock eyes, and then proceeded to glomp her,

“It's so great to see you!”

Celestia laughed again, the slow melodic sound of chimes reaching my plug holes,

“The feeling is mutual Twilight.” She glanced up, “I can see while I was away, you made a new friend.”

I had to stop myself from laughing. So I let that slide. Twilight seemed to feel the same way, her smile dropping slightly, “Heh… Friend. Oh, well where are my manners! Tick, this is Princess Celestia! Rul-”

“Ruler of Equestria, blah blah blah. I get it.” I said fruitlessly, “Nice to meet you Princess, wish it were in bett- HEY! HAN-”

Wait a minute,

“HOOVES OFF MY CIGARETTES!”

Come on man, seriously? The unicorn was trifling through my pocketses and taking stuff out, including, but not limited to, my smokes, lighter, and… Phone? Holy hell! Didn't know I still had that.

“HeyheyHEYHEY! Stop with the touchy touchy. You go down there, I can’t promise you what will happen next.” What was with this asshole? Really, there was one pegasus that was taking grabby to a whole new level.

When I finished remarking, said guard paused mid hoof and set it back down, nodding his apologies.

“Yeah that's what I thought.” I struggled against the might of the two guards and grunted, “Say Celestia, mind telling these guys of yours to let me off the hook?”

The look of horror on Twilight's face will forever be etched in my mind. I think she expected Celestia to blast me off again or something like that. Guess it comes from the fact that I don't know how to treat royalty.

What Celestia did though, surprised Twilight, and her friends AND the guards,

“Oh yes, I was going to comment on that. Release him please. I never asked for anypony to be shackled, did I?”

One of the guards whined, “But Princes-”

“Did I?” She rebuked with a trollish grin.

Y’know. I'm beginning to like her.

The guards let me go with frowns of utter complacency. I know fellas (and lady), I'm just hard to let go of aren't I? Nevertheless, once my wrists were free, I rubbed them and raised a humored brow towards Celestia,

“Thanks. Y'know if I didn't know any better, I would give these guys a raise. That fucker?” I said pointing at the regular dude, "Damn near broke my arm. Top notch security let me tell ya."

Celestia rolled her head and seemingly shrugged, “If you think my guards are good, you should see my sister's.”

I gasped and said to no one in particular, “She has a sister?! My goodness, two Princesses!”

Twilight picked up a discarded cigarette and threw it at me, a false smile on her muzzle, “Tick? That's enough-”

Aw.. Is little Twilight embarrassed? Good. Do you know what fucking tree floor tastes like? No? Well it don’t taste good.

“So, you are the character Twilight has told me about.” Celestia added with a smile.

I ever so graciously nodded, “The one and only. I hope what she's told you are my best qualities…” I said with a stare towards the shocked unicorn.

“Tick is it? Well, she used…” Celestia gazed at her pupil and tittered, “Choiced words.”

I looked towards Celesta in surprise, “Oh did she now?”

Celestia giggled, “Indeed.”

I gazed at Twilight with an innocent smirk, “I have been nothing but an angel to her. I swear.”

Twilight snorted, “Angels have wings, he does not.”

I raised a hand and held two fingers up, “Second offense Grapefruit. Third strike and you're out.”

Celestia pursed her muzzle, “Sarcasm?”

I clicked my tongue, “It's fun. Should try it some time, Celestia.”

Celestia looked thoughtful, “I have actually. But then one thing led to another and a war almost broke out.” She sighed, “You aren't allowed to joke around when ruling over so many subjects it seems.”

The mute horror on Twilight, Applejack, Dash and Celestias guards faces was fucking GOLD. 

"Sounds like they could use a reminder of who they are talking to hmm?" I said with a snicker.

Celestia giggled, her hair fluttering with no wind present, “I could try to be more aloof in my free time, sure.”

Swatting the guards away to pick up my items of interest, I responded with a callous,

“Yeah, well, I'm guessing you didn't take off on keeping your kingdom safe just because you, ‘didn't care’.”

Celestia said it as if I had hit the nail on the head, “Precisely! I actually took time away to come see the newest resident in Ponyville.”

I smiled, “Well here I am, your highness.”

“Quite, I admire your enthusiasm.”

Oh it's not enthusiasm, Celestia. Call it what you want, but it's not that. I put a hand to my bleeding lip, fighting the urge to spit on the floor. Gotta get used to the fact that the outside looks like the inside for some of these houses.

Celestia grinned, ushering her guards to exit stage right, “Well! Enough of this indolence. I'm famished.”

Twilight blinked, merely trotting forward as if half dead, “Right… Breakfast…”

I watched her go into the kitchen, as she disappeared, I turned back to the Princess,

“Wow, do you normally have that effect on ponies?”

Celestia waggled her brows, “I doubt it is I who is affecting her, Tick.”

I gave her a smirk, “Must be your guards then.”


O.o.O.o.O


The meal was awkward. Really, that's all that I can say towards what happened. Twilight's friends left early, due to Pinkie saying something about a party, so I never got the chance to pick at Skittles for the slob she is. The only ones left were me, Twilight, Celestia, her guards; Fuck One; Bitch Two; and Asshole Three. I’ll come up with better names later. So while Celestia and her student caught up on the past events and what was to come, the three stooges and I held a polite staring contest as we ate.

The meal consisted of oats and lettuce. Horrible stuff, the oats were, but I couldn't complain because of what Ponies couldn't eat. Which was Bacon and… I think eggs. Anyway, We all were able to eat in the same vicinity, so to speak, so nothing bad happened other than me chucking oats off the guards armor. Which was hilarious to watch them do nothing as I harmlessly pelted them with food.

But… All the while of pestering the guards, A thought occurred. Not a normal, look see thought. It was more of a Christmas present. 

Well maybe not like that, but still. Why was Celestia being polite to me, whilst everyone else treated me differently? Fluttershy doesn't count because half the time I was near her, she wouldn't even look at me. And Twilight is most definitely intrigued in me on a scientific level.

But Celestia? During breakfast, on occasion, and when I wasn't fucking with the three guards, Celestia and I engaged in short snippets of conversation. And I must say, that the whole time of doing so, I learned more than I ever would in a classroom.

It was again, mostly small stuff, regarding the varying degrees of my pysche, Equestria, the Inhabitants thereof, and what I thought about Equestria so far. (Hint hint, nudge nudge) Celestia learned quickly that I wanted out.

The last piece was the conversation killer. Basically being the last thing Celestia and I said during our feast. Something about talking in private. I agreed, on terms that I at least get something in my stomach.

So yeah, here we are twenty or so minutes later, and it was about time to cash in that agreement. Twilight was gathering the plates up in her magical grasp, shooting the silverware and such into the sink. I was out of oats, and the guards had opted off after that, throwing me dirty looks as they went.

So, as I stood and pushed my chair in, Celestia awaited patiently next to me, a soft smile on her muzzle. She needn't say anything, her actions clearly speaking the words, and I followed her into the other room.

Which, mind, was basically two steps away. It was the living area portion of the tree. So the only things to listen in on our talk were the books. And I doubt the books needed any more knowledge.

“Tick, there is something we need to discuss.”

I nodded as Celestia stopped and turned slowly,

“Yeah. Seems obvious with the whole, Privacy and all.”

Celestia slowly lost her smile, “And I'm going to be frank with you.”

The implications were there, and it was a factor from the start,

“I'm not going home anytime soon are I?”

It looked as if I hit her with a freight train. The grief that suddenly overtook her features,

“No… You aren't. And I wish it weren't I to be the one to say it, but… You might not be going back at all.”

Ah.

......

I feel as if I should be mad. Yes, I flipped a table already, but I had help. I could practically feel the power from this majestic being but yet hearing those words come from her mouth made my situation that more fucked than it had already been.

“Kinda figured. Twilight said something about it being a, Hard Spell.” I shook my head, suddenly plopping into the nearest couch cushion, “Whatever that means.”

Celestia looked over my shoulder, hearing Twilight was still doing dishes, she elegantly found a spot next to me,

“And she was right. The book she had taken came from a restricted area in the Castle’s Library. It was marked and hidden away for a reason. But I’m curious to know how it found her before she found it.”

I questioned, “You make it seem as though there was foul play involved.” Because there was.

Celestia shook her head, eyes leveled with mine, “Too much to guess, not enough concrete evidence in our hooves. What I’m implying is how does one take a forbidden tome that was held under lock and key?”

Which is quite the conundrum. Crossing my arms I shrugged, “Magic would be my best guess. The Ye Ol’ disappearing forbidden text trick.”

Celestia and I shared a short laugh before she sighed, “It's unfortunate that Twilight's search for knowledge is ever growing.”

I chuckled, “Well she's learning. Can't blame her for much. Even though she caused this.”

“Yes, this and much more, Tick. And as much as I hate to say it…”

I deadpanned, “Already said that.”

She repeated her words, “As much as I hate to say it, My fear grows the longer you stay here.”

Raising a brow, I leaned back, “I can't exactly go back, Celestia. One I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't have a horn on my head and for shits and giggles sake, I don't even know where the hell I am.”

“Don't make me say it Tick.”

I blinked, “Say what?”

Celestia looked left and then right, “Y’know...”

I coughed, “I don't follow.”

She looked at me as though I was stupid. Which I probably was give or take.

“Must I spell it out?”

I smirked, “I could buy the vowels.”

Celestia let out another sigh, following it up with a small grin,

“It's been awhile since somepony has spoken to me as such.” I bet she's used to stuck up rich assholes always saying yes. I can only imagine the amount of frustration she has pent up when its only her on the winning side of an argument. One that has no push or shove.

Chuckling, I stuffed my hands into my pockets, “Well, it's my first time talking to a Pegacorn. So it's a start right?”

“Pega...Corn?”

I chided, “Yeah. Pegasus and a Unicorn. I could find a better name for you. You're both a pegasus and a unicorn. So, meh.”

Celestia blinked and sat there, a dumbfounded look on her muzzle.

“The…” She cleared her throat, “Correct term… Is Alicorn. And please, don't ask what we are, I'm also afraid that you simply won't get it.”

I snorted, “Are you implying-”

“That you are quite the idiot? Then yes I am.”

I unpocketed one of my hands and pointed, “Touché, Celestia.”

Celestia then looked at me askew, as if she were trying to judge me from the side,

“I'm sorry Tick. It's just so often my student finds trouble and undoubtedly so, it follows her where she may be.”

I glanced back to see Twilight using her magic to wash the dishes…

Gosh I wish it were that easy.

“Huh. Never thought she would be dangerous, Princess. She seems quite innocent.”

Celestia's face grew firm, “It isn't her that is dangerous. Only the things she brings with her.”

Ah so that's what she had been referencing before. I've been called many things in my short span of years. Many names that could kill the poor of heart and tear down the defenses of a stocked man. But never before, have I been called dangerous. It didn’t anger me, which is surprising yet again, but rather concerned me to beg the fact,

“You think I'm dangerous?”

Celestia blinked, caught off guard somewhat at the question,

“I… No. I don't want to believe you are dangerous. Nor do I want to find ways to think you are.” She straightened, “Your attitude is a somewhat oddity, but nopony can change that. I'm concerned about what you might do to somepony who does.”

I snorted, “I'd wring their scrawny necks.”

“And I can't have that. Tick,” Celestia began with a sincere tone, “Equestria has held firm for Eons for its peaceful and prospective nature. You would be surprised to find anypony other than yourself to bear even the slightest of a grudge.” She shook her head , a sigh parting through her muzzle,

“I will do everything in my power to find you a way back home. A way to reverse the spell. But,” She said looking down,

“I cannot say anything towards success.”

I pulled my package of cigarettes out and decided to light one. Need to keep count on those things… I offered one to the Princess, but she declined with a polite wave,

“You do that. Among the other things you have to do as well, I will give you my word-.” Taking a drag, I exhaled, smoke billowing out in small clouds,

“I’ll be a good boy and try not to destroy anything.” I finished with a smile, which did nothing to ease Celestia,

“Uh-huh.You don’t sound so convincing.”

Shrugging, I twiddled my thumbs, inhaling as the nicotine buzz caught up with me, “Probably so. A certain pegasus and I are already trying to murder one another. All I did was comment that she looked weird.”

“Yes. And you aimed at her friends too.”

I stuck my hands out, “T-they fucking broke INTO my house! What was I supposed to do?”

Celestia giggled, eyeing me with a newfound humour, “I don't know Tick. I imagine you were quite shocked.”

“Thanks, Princess.”

“Again. Just Celestia.”

I gave her a roll of the eye, gesturing a bow, “As you wish, Ce-les-tia.”

One of her guards re-entered, whispering something into the Princess’s ear. After a nod from the latter, the former left the building. Celestia smiled and stood, walking towards the door, “Tick, I leave you in the hands of my Student and her friends, just until I can find a solution to your problem.”

I watched as she turned with a hopeful grin, “We will get you home.”


O.o.O.o.O


Theres always the good and bad news in every situation. Even the small things. Celestia, was bad news. Apart from the fact that I’m stuck here till further notice, honestly I could see myself talking with her if she had time to spare. 

The good news about today was that I was able to say greetings to what I'd like to think is my only other acquaintance in Equestria, Fluttershy. She decided to come over and see if she could get Twilight's pet owl. Apparently it was molting season, and the Owl had it pretty bad.

Get this, the poor owl's name is Owlicious. (Equestrian Logic people)

But upon seeing me, she and I had a very lengthy conversation that lasted about a minute before she disappeared. To me, that's a new record.

So that was the good shit for today. The other bad was I had nothing to wear, and Twilight had a nose for skunking me out. Sorry Twilight, if I had known I'd be transported across god knows what, I'd’ve packed myself a suitcase.

So in lieu of this, she scheduled me for a date with destiny!

In reality it was a time frame with another one of her friends who just so happened to be a dress maker. Something like that. Ironic right?

Why is that bad news might you ask?

Well, I don't like shopping, or anything to do with clothing. So, Rarity is in for one helluva surprise tomorrow.

I clambered up the staircase as the night drew in, my whole afternoon was filled with more questions rather than me getting answers. None of which were fun in the first place. Twilight remarked that it was strange seeing Celestia being so open with someone, it's as if she wasn’t a person. Crazy I know.

Reaching the second floor I watched as Twilight came out of her room with her horn alight. The purple glow caused shadows of the railing to bounce around the books that littered the oak tree. When she noticed me standing there menacingly, she smiled,

“Your rooms over here. I got rid of the clutter, but I can't do much about the smell.”

She gestured to the open door, stepping inside I did my best to duck the branches, peeking around the open space. It reminded me of a dorm room. Fit the size too. A bed lay in the right corner of the room, the headrest underneath a window that gave me a view of Ponyville. Next to the bed was a desk with a few drawers and a candle that was already lit. Running my hand along the wall I nodded my sentiments to the now proud unicorn, 

“Nice job. Love what you did with the place.” I hopped onto the bed, coughing when I inhaled sawdust that rose up when my ass touched the comforter. Waving away the particles I then sighed, rubbing my temple. It was like the weight of the whole day finally came down. A bad caffeine rush. 

“Y’know Tick - I’m sorry about all of this. Really I am.” My eyes flicked over to the bashful Twilight who had taken a liking to looking at the ground. I said nothing, my thoughts elsewhere. I may be rude, arrogant, not have a filter and know that I can simply seem like I don’t care about things. But what I truly hate more than anything else in the world, is someone who apologizes way too much, or way too often.

I don’t care, truly, if she is sorry or not. It’s not within my agenda to give a rat's ass. What I need rather than a sorry is a confirmation that my next train ride, or magic spell is back in my bed in my house. There’s a reason I’m a hard ass. But… I wasn’t going to tell her that.

So I just shook my head, waving my hand to signal her out of the room,

“Just... Leave it alone Twilight. I ain’t gonna accept your apology. Not for a while in fact.” Twilight bit the bottom of her muzzle, seemingly acknowledging that I didn’t want to talk to her.

“Goodnight Tick.”

After she closed the door, I fluffed my pillow and cozied up against the headrest. The sharp trill of the crickets and hoots of the owls outside faint, but soothing. Looking around the room again, my eyes fell on the desk to the left of the bed. There was a quill and notebook that were left next to the candle.

I hopped outta the bed and pulled out the chair to take a look at the item. Flipping through the pages, I remarked that there were some doodles, but the book on the first page was registered to Twilight, the rest of the pages were blank. 

The cover was a dark brown, and the pages were frayed with a brownish yellow. Looking at the quill, I sat down and began writing. I’ve never used a quill before, but the memories of watching movies and TV shows of people just dipping the quill into the ink and writing did in fact help. The first page recounted my first contact with the six ponies, when I had finished writing, I did a rough sketch of each of their ass marks around the page, on purposefully fucking up Dash’s weird cloud and rainbow bolt. 

By the time I was done with the second page, I had tried my best to recreate the sun insignia that was on Celestia's guards near the bottom of the page. I stopped writing after “Goodnight Tick.”

Looking outside the window, I sighed through my nose, placing my chin in hand. I didn’t mean to be so harsh on Twilight. I don’t want to be. But I can’t just displace this as, it is what it is. 

I put the quill down, wiping my hands on my torn jeans. Blowing out the candle, I fell back on the bed, hoping and praying that I wouldn’t have any dreams tonight.
> Shoes and Dreams
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 6



Shoes and Dreams


That night I was plagued with a dream. Singular not plural. I watched from a viewpoint of a throne room. In it, littered several ponies all over the floor each of which were of various builds and sizes. Some wore armor, others were too dark or deformed for me to tell what they looked like. From where I was I couldn’t tell if they were dead, or asleep. The room looked as though it had seen battle, chunks of the wall were missing, black and green burn marks were left covering the stone.

Most notably I saw a withered Celestia on her throne. Her hair had lost its magic wavy flow, her eyes were dull and her coat was stained with what I could assume was blood. 

I could finally move my head when I heard a large creak come from behind me. Celestia's eyes lazily gazed upward, an anger most foul pointed towards the two ponies who had just walked in. One was a unicorn with a white coat and midnight blue hair, his eyes held a sickly green glow. The other was a Pegacorn. Or as Celestia had reprimanded me yesterday with, an Alicorn.

She was a mixture of Pink, Yellow and Purple. A crown adorned her head, and golden shoes fit snugly on her hooves. I watched from above as Celestia and this Alicorn had a conversation, their mouths moving, but no words were said. 

I could hear the chaos past the tinted windows, screams, fires raging, caterwauls of pain. Turning back I had to double take as what was the alicorn that stood there before, was now a pitch black creature. The sickly green glow around the stallion's eyes now bubbled over the creature's pointed horn. 

Y’know that feeling of oh fuck when you truly get in trouble. The stomach drop sensation. That's the one. I watched in mute horror as the stallion suddenly charged forward, horn pointed at Celestia. I screamed, actually screamed aloud - hoping, sincerely hoping that Celestia would do something. 

And then the throne room disappeared. 

Blinking did nothing as the entire canvas where I was looking was pitch black. I could sense the goosebumps, my heart was racing a mile a minute. I could feel myself moving my head around trying to see anything, anyone at all. I don’t know the best way to describe the isolation I felt. It was uncomfortable. So much so that staying any longer would drive me insane.

I stuck my arms out, the feeling reminding me of TV static, waving them around trying to grasp anything. Imagine my surprise when I did finally touch something. It was cold, smooth to the touch, it was a doorknob. Without any hesitation I turned and pulled. 

And that's when I saw it.

Off in the distance sat another Alicorn. She sat next to what looked like one of those bird bowls, but plus sized. A faint white glow emanated from the bowl from which small colored wisps bobbed to and fro, dipping in and out of sight. As I drew closer to where she was, I noticed she bore a resemblance to Celestia. Her hair was the shade of a night sky, speckles of white mixed in with a deep violet. Her coat was the same, unlike Celestia her chest armor was black, but the insignia was that of a moon. 

She noticed my presence almost immediately when I had gotten closer, her eyes looking me up and down. I felt as though I could see time pass in those teal colored saucers. Her voice bellowed in what seemed to be this shallow space,

“And who, might you be?”

Then, I woke up.


O.o.O.o.O


I felt paralyzed, not in a good way. My entire body screamed pain, and my lungs felt like they were on fire. I half expected a paralysis demon in the shape of Rainbow Dash to come into my peripherals and start fuckin’ tickling me or something, but thank the heavens that did NOT happen. Instead I heard from downstairs, a crack, an “Oh no” followed by an explosion that shook the entire house.

The good news, that jerked me out of my stiff position. Clutching my chest, I saw that I was sweating more so than I have ever done. I felt around my body, sighing with relief when I could still feel my heartbeat. Sitting up, I could hear myself peel off the comforter but when upright I shifted the blanket off of me and shakily stood.

I stumbled over to the desk, collapsing in the chair, I wiped my forehead of the sweat and wrote down what I had seen, doing my best to put detail into the pitch black creature. When I had finished, I put the quill down, numbly fiddling with my fingers in an anxious manner. I half expected the thing I had hastily drawn on the paper to jump out as if it were alive. Its eyes were slitted, its hair was matted down. I could sense that through the dream-like haze I had been in, that it was not friendly. 

The dream felt all too real. I ain't one to lucid dream once upon a time, but looking at the page I had drawn in, I leaned back in the chair and breathed aloud, finally able to catch my breath. 

And then I remembered the explosion in the house, followed by the smell of fire,

“OH FUCK, TWILIGHT-” 

I bolted out the room and slid down the railing. Apparently, said unicorn had tried to make food. Not with her own two han- hooves, but with her magic. I get to the bottom step and find the retard face first in a wall.

“Tick? Spike? Anyone?”

I picked up a piece of bark that was on the ground, chucking it at her exposed ass, a yelp came from within the hole as she struggled,

“Hey, cut that out and help me!!”

Apparently she wanted out. 

Anyway, I decided to be the good guy and pulled her out. Thankfully she was conscious and not hurt that badly. But it begged a question on how she survived going through solid wood? When she had regained her composure I sighed and shook my head,

“How the hell did you manage this?”

Twilight smiled to herself and raised a hoof, “I was using a new Spel-”

I raised a hand to her muzzle and crouched down low, “I think, you need to stop using magic for a little bit.” I looked at the hole in the wall, saw the mess in the kitchen and grumbled to myself about how un-fucking-fortunate this was.

Note to self: Ponies are both stupid and indestructible.

P.S: Don't let Twilight cook for me.

Now, after that scenario, I found it concerning to leave after rummaging the kitchen for a bit; for the fact that I needed new clothes, and a shoe. I had my left one, but when I was brought here, I lost my right. I hadn’t complained yet, but the next time I stub my toe on something in the way or get it stomped on by some human hating pony, I will stab a bitch.

So I made myself something to eat and slumped on Twilight's couch. What was interesting, is that I had to find something to do. Ponies don't have Netflix, nor do they have television. It wasn't all bad, but it was a start for me to whine about.

Pretty much all I did was fiddle with my cigarettes and lighter as I ate fucking, lettuce of all things. I already tried my phone and it was dead. Forgot to plug it in when I got home…

However, amongst the million things I could do and could have done, engaging in a staring contest with a dragon, was not on my list. It was in fact, at the very bottom, besides mooning Fluttershy. (I'm not going to do it, so shaddup)

The young drake and I noticed each other's presence at about the same time. See, he had walked in with a mouthful of - I shit you not - gems. He had looked both left and right, swallowing what he had left,

“Uh… Hi?”

Blinking, I coughed and summed it up as a Barney ripoff, “Hello?”

What went from there, was the quickest acquaintance I have ever made. Actually, I would say he was the second. First one was someone else. He cracked a joke about how crappy the morning was and I laughed. Turns out, the dragon's name is Spike. Spike, is fucking hilarious, and shares some principles with me.

Like how he knows Twilight can't cook.

Spike was a weird purplish and green color, hence the nickname Barney. However, being a dragon, (that’s what he said he was, and had instantly perked my attention), he had the cool ass slitted eyes. Not to mention they were green!! I asked him if it was alright for me to call him by his new nickname, but he refused. Said something about him already having a nickname. Sad, I know.

But I gained a cool little amigo as a friend. 

Seriously though, I'm ready to go to Dragon Land now, so where's that fucking stone?

Lest it be strange and concerning, Spike is actually a helper for Twilight. Says he does little jobs for her and is the one who made the meal yesterday. I asked where he had been through the whole day, and he responded with a quick answer of, ‘being at a special someponies house’.Whatever that meant was beyond me. So I left it at that and talked with him for a bit.

Give or take… Five minutes later, Twilight walks in, her mane back its original brushed and correct shape. I leaned over to the left to take a peek at the wall and saw that it had mended itself. Almost looks as if nothing had ever happened. I took another bite of the lettuce in hand and thought that that was in fact, pretty nifty.

“Alrighty, Spike I’m going to need you to help Tick here out. He needs to visit Rarity today. He’s new around here.”

Spike looked up from his gem pile, the crunches evident as he talked with his mouth full, “So you want me to show him around Ponyville, Twi?”

Twilight nodded, “Basically. That way he can get his bearings.”

My excitement grew at spending more time with Spike, maybe I'll ask if he can breathe fire! Or maybe… ASK HIM IF HE CAN FLY!! I was actually excited about something. Huh, go figure. I took another bite of the lettuce, this meal I’ll let you know, did nothing to satiate my omnivorous hunger, 

“Rarity’s place ain’t that far is it?”

Spike waved a sharpened claw, “Naw, she’s like, a twenty minute jog from here actually.”

Great. More walking.


O.o.O.o.O


The ponies here in Ponyville - located in Ponyville Equestria, never cease to amaze me with their color and builds. It’s like a really quirky car meet. A hotrod here, a sleeper there and finally just in the back under all the bodies is just a fuckin Toyota Camry or something. 

It felt like I was playing Where's Waldo, but instead of a random guy with Harry Potter Glasses and a pin striped shirt, I’m practically guessing what kind of Pony imma find next. 

For example.

Spike and I left the treehouse shortly after the aforementioned drake got the A-Okay to go. Upon exiting the treehouse I watched in dumbfounded shock as a fluffy pink horse went from left peripheral to right peripheral frolicking. Spike and I shared a look when we couldn’t see said horse anymore, shrugging as we started our walk. If that wasn’t enough, when we passed by the clock tower, Spike stuck an arm out to halt my steps so that the employee of the Tower could close it down. 

I guess he also stopped me from getting trampled too. Turns out that guy's name is Dr Whooves. He works there full time. It ain’t TARDIS but for fucks sake I was laughing about it for a minute. 

When we passed Sugarcube Corner, Spike and I started talking to each other about Ponyville,

“So. Whatcha think so far Tick?”

I lazily looked at the drake, his little hobble amusing to me, “Hate it here. Hurts my eyes.”

Spike chortled a response, “Yeah, you should see Canterlot. This is technically the Town away from the City.” As he said so, he pointed as we passed by Sugarcube Corner, following the direction I could see in the distance of what was a fairly large city. Just barely, I could also catch a glimpse of a Castle, and around it were Pegasi who were flying amidst the top.

Poking a cheek with my tongue, I shrugged, “That’s actually dope. Never seen a castle up close, so that's something new. You been there before?”

Spike nodded, “Mhmm, every year there's an event called the Great Galloping Gala. Wasn’t able to go last year, but this year Twilight said it was alright for me to go. She said I was to be their Chauffeur.”

I oooo’d at his statement, “Ooooooooo~ Sounds like someone’s important. You said it happens every year right? When’s that taking place?”

Spike rubbed his chin, “Twilight ain’t good with dates, neither am I. But I think Rarity might know. She’s making the dresses for everyone including some fancy customers from Canterlot.”

Huh the more you know I guess. Slowing my pace to match with Spike I hissed aloud when I stepped on something wrong, stopping completely to check the damage. It was a sharp piece of gravel stuck just below my big toe. I pulled it out and tossed the rock to the side, 

“Fucking - stupid rocks.”

Spike cackled at that.

We walked around for a little bit more, the hustle and bustle of the food court dying down as we walked now through the residential district. We passed by the dirt road that led to Fluttershy's house. I gazed at the direction as we went, wondering just how that mare was able to be so far away from everyone but still be a part of everything. 

Then the fact checks rolled in, One; she’s a pegasus - Two; her house is practically filled to the brim with animals.

My head naturally bore straight ahead when Spyke started rambling about his favorite gems. It was an engaging conversation because on one hand, although not a fully grown dragon, Spike was still one essentially. I begged him the question of what do gems taste like, and he told me to the dragons tastebuds, they taste like what fruits would to a pony. So when I asked him afterwards does a ruby taste like a cherry, and hearing his positive response on the matter -

Mind blown.

“How does Twilight afford all the gems though.” I asked the drake.

Spike looked up and laughed, “She don’t pay for them dummy, she gets them from a mine.”

My eyes bulged from their sockets, “Dude no fucking WAY thats real.”

Spike snorted with a smile, two puffs of gray smoke coming from his nostrils as he nodded, “Way. And get this, but don’t tell nopony,” He beckoned me to bend down, which I did, “I have a secret mine of my own.”

I gasped as y'know, Spike is young, “Awww sick. So it's your little dragon hoard right?”

He triumphantly pounded his scaly chest, “My own little stash mhmm!”

I offered him a fist bump which he reciprocated, “Promise, your stash secret is safe with me.”

We talked a little more as the houses started to thin. We had gotten around to the topic of Rarity when I felt a presence watching me. While Spike was talking, I craned a look around, even walking backwards, careful I didn’t step on the small dragon. When I turned back around I was met face to face with a yellow cross eyed pegasus.

I practically tripped and fell atoop her, cus yet again, stepped on a ferocious pebble and lost my footing. Spike wobbled over, 

“Tick you good?”

I groaned and held my head, I was far from good, “Yeah. Peachy.” I opened my eyes and saw a familiar set of eyes. I’ve actually already met this one. Her name was Derpy Hooves. Which fits her bill as she was walleye’d most the time. She was wearing a satchel that had muffins wrapped neatly in plastic bags tied off with pink ribbons.

Derpy gasped aloud, zipping over to check on me, “Goodness, so sorry about that!”

I couldn’t be mad at her. My ancestors wouldn’t allow it, “Miss Hooves, it’s fine. We met yesterday, remember? Outside Sugarcube Corner?”

Ah that’s right, I forgot to mention this. So we met yesterday when AJ and Dash were escorting me to Twilights. It was a similar encounter as to where she practically crashed into me and I’m the one eating dirt. Such things I would consider now are a common occurrence and will be continuing forward. She was in a hurry and I wasn’t paying attention, shit happens.

Derpy’s eyes rolled around like one of those false sets of eyeballs you’d find on a cheap toy, her hoof rubbing the bottom of her muzzle, “Oh that’s right! You were with Rainbow Dash and Applejack the other day right?”

When I nodded, Derpy laughed, “Man we gotta stop running into each other like this! Also, Derpy is fine, the whole Miss Hooves makes me feel old.”

Derpy looked down with one of her eyes, noticing Spike who waved at her, “Heya Derpy.”

She smiled brightly, the brightest I’ve seen since Pinkie and lifted up Spike with a hug, “Heya Spike, OH HERE,” She reached into her satchel with one of free hooves, handing Spike a wrapped muffin,

“Rarity wanted me to give ya one of these for your help the other day!”

Oh this, I get it now. I gave a look at Spike, smirking almost ear to ear, “Special Somepony huh?” The drake immediately grew red in the face, and he kicked some gravel my way which harmlessly bounced off my leg.

“Shut up. Its not like that…” Uh-huh keep dreaming you little rascal. I turned to Derpy and grabbed her attention,

“Hey, know this might be counter intuitive but how close are we to Rarity’s?”

Derpy hummed aloud, pivoting in midair, “It would be…. There, that direction!” I glanced over her shoulder, noticing a carousel. Oh that's fun. I patted her on the shoulder, or what I assume to be the ponies shoulder and gestured to spike to follow, 

“Come little one. Your girlfriend awaits.”

Spike practically hissed as he caught up, the motion of running cutting the hisses off midway, “Tick it ain’t like that, c’mon!”

I cackled as we made our way up to the building, “I’m just messing with ya bud, relax.”

One key piece of info I forgot to mention while the whole, getting transported to Equestria, thing happened. I couldn’t read anything. The equines here had seemingly another language they wrote in, but spoke perfect English. A few oddities here and there but the overall gist was English.

“Spike, what's the sign say up there?” I said pointing above to the sign that hung around the outer rim of the building. Spike looked up and said, “Caro-sell- Boo-teek?”

Ah so she owned a shop named Carousel Boutique fucking fantastic.

I will let you know right now, If Rarity has some sort of Business woman sales rhyme, there will be hell to pay. The whole building was actually a very fancy looking carousel. Although, it looked like something my grandma would have. You'd wind it up and it would make some sort of old tune play. Minus the horses.

With my courage steeled, and pride tucked away, I walked up to the dollhouse and knocked. Three simple raps, and it took that long for Rarity to actually appear.

If I were to comment on anything about her appearance, then I would say that she looked fancy. But me trying to look at a horse, excuse, pony, that has make-up on, is kind of strange. Nonetheless, in standards of if she looked the part, then yes, she did.

A glow had engulfed the door, gracefully opening it to reveal the white and indigo unicorn standing before me,

“Ah, welcome to Carousel Boutique! Where everything is sl-”

Nopenopenopenope, that's the beginning to a godawful rhyme, “Let me just stop you right there. Do, NOT, continue. PLEASE.”

Rarity blinked and sized me up, which she hadn't done before, “Oh. It's you. You're late.”

I sighed, “In this case, it appears I am fashionably late. May I come in?” Rarity stepped aside, allowing me entry into her abode. Spike followed shortly after, waving at the unicorn. After they shared a greeting the drake nudged my pant leg, 

“Hey Imma go that-away, if you need anything, holler.” He was drooling after looking in a particular direction, looking that way my facial features flattened when I saw a large pile of jewels sitting on a fancy white dresser. 

Figures the drake goes slack jawed at the sight of gems. 

If I were to quip, if the place was roomy or not, know that it was quite… Compact. Now, before you get all judgemental on me, I'm in a fucking Toy right now. What do you expect me to say? Rather, whaddya expect me to do?

Stick a pole through one of her mannequins and dash around in a circle? Actually might do that now. It is a carousel after all.

“Tick, this way.”

I snapped from my thoughts and looked around to find Rarity trotting away,

“Oh what, I can't look at the splendor of your home?”

Rarity stopped and turned, “No. Look all you want. But I am on a crunch for time. Not to mention, the time we lost traveling with Twilight.”

“Aww… You care about me.”

Rarity scoffed, flipping her hair dramatically,

“Hardly the case. Now, be a dear and follow?”

I bowed, “Of course, Milady.”

Another long story short, we walked to a portion of her home specifically designed for “making” clothes. Not clothes for me, oh no, clothes for ponies. There were hundreds of dresses and suits just lined against several mannequins, already to the point of perfection and ready to be sold.

Rarity sat me down and went away to go collect her dress making shit. When she came back, I was crouching down, poking at what I thought was a pure gold suit.

“Darling, please do not touch. The last thing I wish to hear is you getting a smudge on the dresses.”

I snorted, cocking my head so I could get a better view of the suit, “Oh don't get your panties in a bunch. If I wanted to break some shit, I would've.”

“Tick.”

I sighed, “Right. Plant my ass in the seat. Gotcha.”

So that's what I did, planting my overly large ass into a way to small seat. Almost immediately, Rarity started measuring different sections, her magic glowing in different portions of the tape, pen and notepad she was carrying.

Her eyes widened and squinted towards some portions, she was even nice enough to measure my foot and shoe. Now, I am happy. NEW SHOES.

“Tick, would you mind removing this… Shirt, Is it?”

I raised a brow, “What next. My pants?”

“Funny. Shirt. Off now.”

I saluted, “Yes mam!”

I quickly unbuttened the shirt and tossed it away, putting my hands into my pants pocketses. Rarity sighed and went back to measuring as she had done before. But this time, she had a confused and rather curious look when she finished.

“Alright. So, you need some new upper and lower… Portions…” She said as I buttoned my shirt, “This won't take too long to make. Nothing short of making that article for a Minotaur once. Dependent on your color scheme, will declare how long it should take.”

I shrugged, standing so I could roll my shoulders, “I'm not picky. But I would ask that your expertise come forward for the colors.”

Rarity smiled, “Keep up that attitude and I might take that as a compliment. Nonetheless, It would be my pleasure.”

And again with the references, “Uh-huh. Thanks Rarity. Say how much do I need to pay you for this. I don’t have money now but I can probably scrape something together?”

Rarity nodded, “Oh worry not. Celestia came by.”

Damn.

“She did?”

Rarity nodded, “Quite. Left me a sum for now payments and those of the future. But regard that of not. I wouldn't dare make you pay me.”

I raised a boastful question, “And why is that?”

The white mare batted her lashes and chose to turn to her work, “I wouldn't take it darling. It's not in my nature to.”

I chuckled, “Ah. A generous dressmaker then.”

Rarity giggled, “Quite. Now, Because of you, I'm busy. So shoo!”

I raised my hands in defense and walked away, “Alright. Alright. Do you need me for anything before I go?”

Rarity had been collecting materials for making the shoe, but stopped, “Oh. Well, no. Actually…” She blinked and shook her muzzle, “Nothing of your concern, Tick.”

I raised a brow, “I hope you do know I'm going to berate you until you tell me right?”

Rarity looked up, “Really?”

“Indeed. It’s the least I can do for making me some clothes.”

She sighed, “Well in that case, Tick, I can finish your clothing in a matter of minutes. It doesn't require effort. If you are available, I need you to pick up my little sister from her school. By the time you get back, it should be done.”

I chuckled, “You actually trust me to do that?”

Rarity nodded, “Yes. I mean, otherwise you'd have to face the wrath of Princess Celestia no doubt if you harmed her in any way.”

You bitch.

“On top of that, you'd have to face me too.”

I gave her a questionable look, “Again with the threats, Miss Rarity. Keep that attitude up, and I would actually be afraid.”

“Regardless, could you do it for me Tick?”

With a sigh, I nodded, earning a grateful smile from the unicorn,

“Can you direct me where it is? I have no fucking idea how to navigate about town.”

Rarity winked, “All you needed was to ask.”

She turned and went to pester Spike for a minute. When she came back she had in her magic - a map. While needle and thread worked in the background; she talked with me about where to go and how to get to where her sister was. After which I pocketed the map and set out closing the door to the Boutique. 


O.o.O.o.O


“And with that, have a good weekend! Class Dismissed!”

A school bell signaled the end of the day, allowing fillies and young colts alike to leave. Some left with their mothers, others with fathers. Some left without parents at all. But a few of them stuck around, supposedly two of them waiting on the third,

“How ‘bout your place then? Mah sis is cleaning today. Can’t do it there.”

“What?! Applejack is doing that TODAY? Man…” A filly with a purple mane sighed, “Well if Sweetie Bell would hurry up, maybe her sister could let us sleep over.”

Another filly hopped out from the entrance of the school, “I don't know girls. She's been very adamant about letting you two over since we…”

“Shhh - We don't talk ‘bout that.”

“Oh of course Applebloom doesn’t want to talk about it.”

Sweetie Bell giggled, “Right. Well where is Rarity?”

Applebloom looked up and shrugged, “I dunno. Scootaloo said that she mighta forgot ‘bout us.”

Scootaloo pegged her friend on the shoulder, “Did not!” The other two looked between each other, smirking. It ended with all three laughing.

My job at the time was to observe. Not interfere. Maybe replace if need be. There had been talk of a new visitor in town. One who walks on two legs, the ponies here have said. We’ve been dying to meet him. 

“Excuse me, which one of you is Sweetie Bell?”

Speak of the devil…


O.o.O.o.O