The Cupid Pony's Beginning

by Rainy_Daze

Ch1

Ch1

~Starts with the end~

Celestia's bright sunny day was obscured by dark and foreboding clouds making noon time dark. Rain starts to fall as a funeral begins. Many ponies have gathered to mourn and/or show their respects. One pony sits closer to the hole to which the deiced is to be laid.

"We all are here for this, a sad day for everypony, it is very rare for a pony to kill themselves. But when one does it is felt by everyone." Says an earth pony in an all black suit "May Jane Heartcarle find peace in the afterlife. If any of her family like to say any last words do so now. I'd like to end this as soon as possible." His voice oozing with boredom while moving to his chair.

A pegasus pony with a dark gray coat and light gray mane and tail with three hearts for a cutie mark gets up and starts to walk to the hole where the last pony was standing, his face looked like he hadn't slept for many months his mane and tail was full of mats.

"I'm going to keep this as short as possible for 'curtain' ponies." He said turning to glare at the previous pony that talked.
"My sister was a very kind and good natured pony, she always helped me and any pony who would ask her. She was also the best writer in the family. What saddens me the most is that the family business is now dead with her. . . May she always know that s-she is and always w-will be l-l-loved." He finished as he fully broke into tears sobbing words that fell onto deaf or unhearing ears, as his sister was lowered into the hole.

Two hours after the final shovel full of dirt was placed many of the ponies that attended have left, only a few remain and they're around the last of the Heartcarle family as he still sobs uncontrollably. Of the ponies that are still there only two are not close friends or were 'old' business partners of Jane's here to say that they are sorry about what happened. One of the two was an earth pony stallion he had a blue mane and tail both of which were very well kept his coat was a pale yellow, he wore a full gray suit that blocked his cutie mark from being seen. The other pony was a unicorn mare about the same age as Jane. Her mane and tail were a bright orange color, her coat was a calming shade of blue, she didn't have a cutie mark. They both stayed to the back of the mob of ponies, patiently waiting to get to the center of the crowd, their wait was a good hour an a half. Most other ponies were gone by now, it was the three of them.

"Hello Mr. Heartcarle, it's a pleasure to finally meet you." Says the earth stallion

"Please call me Wilber. I haven't earned the right to be called that yet" Wilber sheepishly states sadness still having a strong grip on him.

"Cheer up Mr. long face!" Shouts the blue mare scaring Wilber. "Ooo, that was fun lets do that again."

"No, this is not the time nor the place for that miss" Wilber deadpans.

"MISS! Don't call me that it makes me sound old. I'm not that old, I'm I?" The mare asks to no pony in particular.

"My name is Orange Barry. So please don't call me miss, OK." Barry says jokingly

"Alright. So sir, what's your name, seeing as you know mine now." Wilber inquires.

"My name is not all that important. What you need to know is that something big is going to happen what that is I'm not sure. Ready your self for anything Wilber." He warns "Come on Barry we need to get going" the old stallion says as he starts to leave.

"Wait what do you mean something big is going to happen?" Wilber asks, getting silence as the answer as the two ponies leave, Wilber is now all alone in the building, he leaves a couple minutes later still trying to figure out the stallion's meaning.

He arrives at the Heartcarle house after a ten minute walk, he stops and stares at his late-sister's door. Many feelings rush him almost making him cry again, he quickly goes to the master bedroom to finally get some sleep after mouths without it, for tomorrow he moves to Appaloosa, to start anew.

---

"The path of life is full of falls, it take courage to get back up. Only Cowards stay down." Come from an unknown but Familiar sounding voice.

"Who are you? What do you want?" Wilber asks a little scared.

"Nothing. For you to understand the magic that holds everything in place, that keeps everyone live, makes them die, makes new life... And your strange power to see what others can't, and what you can't see for yourself." explains the voice.

"What do you mean--" Wilber starts to say as the blackness starts to turn into colors that blind Wilber for a short time.

"You will relive your past, and change what you couldn't see before. Be ever wary for you are more blind than you realize." the voice warns.

As the blindness slowly fade away from Wilber, he notices that everything is...back to the way it use to be when he was a young colt. He realizes that this looks just like it did before everything changed for him and Jane. When their mom, dad, and brother where still alive, Before the accident that would that them from him, thirteen years ago.

"If what the voice says is true, then could I make so that mom, dad, and big bro don't die." Wilber thought out loud.
He looks around and finds the sun.
"Good it's around noon if I hurry I should be able to stop them from getting into the cart" Wilber says causing the ponies around him to look at him.

After a five minutes of frantic galloping he finds his goal, the cart that would be the death of them. Only problem is that his parents are already inside. As hope starts to leave him, he hears father yell
"Come on son, hurry up or will be late." At this Wilber's heart and hope shoots up. He still has a chance.

"Da--" he cuts himself off with his hoof realizing that calling him dad would be bad. "Sir, ma'am could I talk to ya for a second." Wilber says trying to mask his voice.

"Sure I don't mind, you Bunny" the father asks his wife

"Sure don't, what ya need sweaty." Mother asks

"Stay home! Don't leave, you will die in a cart accident." Wilber shouts franticly.

The couple look at each other then back to Wilber, than they both call him crazy and to leave now or they will call for the cops, as the son comes out of the house to enter the cart and head out to its doom. Having failed in the one thing that could have saved his parents, he falls onto his haunches staring at the cart as it fades from view. Then all the colors and everything fade into Perpetual darkness same as before, but this time no voice.

Wilber awakens on the floor in The room thinking what happened was just a dream, he looks outside to see that Celestia's beautiful sun is just starting to rise. Now is a good time to start packing everything for the trip to Appaloosa.

A/n: wow ya read the whole thing, how many brain cells are dead now? Hehehe
just kidding. Leave your thoughts below and I will get the second chapter out “soon”.
Next chapter will definitely be more on Wilber Heartcarle's life up til the funeral. What a sad way to start, don't ya think?

See ya later!

From Rainy Daze

Comments

[Cobalt Swirls]

Okay, couple of things I'm going to touch over:

1) You have a spelling error in the title of your story. That is bad news bears. You might wanna fix that before you get pelted with downvotes right off the bat.

2) Grammar. Not the absolute worst I've seen, but it needs to be proofread and cleaned up before it becomes fully presentable.

3) The voice that is speaking is still a voice; therefore, it needs quotation marks. Use italics to seperate the voice, not bars.

4) Don't introduce Chapter 2 in Chapter 1. Introduce Chapter 2 in Chapter 2.

5) You need to work on your characters' emotions. They're all out of whack and it makes it difficult to tell if they are flipping out, or boredly stating something.

Ex:

"Stay home! Don't leave, you will die in a cart accident" Wilber says flatly.

6) The final thing I will touch on is spacing. The golden bottom line of spacing and dialogue is New Speaker, New Paragraph. Pressing enter does not count. It needs to be spaced out completely.

Someone from the TWE will most likely be by with a full grammatical clean up and anyalsis of your writing (I would do it myself but I have homework that I need to tend to), but let this serve as a basic guideline of what you can improve on.

~Swirls
.

[Rainy_Daze]

1407342
Thanks, I'll make what changes I need to.

[Cobalt Swirls]

1407619

Good on you. Having that kind of attitude is what makes a good writer. With practice and experience this will all eventually become second nature. In the meantime, I would definately recommend checking out some of the big stories and see how the authors go about writing them. Hospice is a good story to read through especially if you want to get a feel of how to write a more saddening or depressive story. As for descriptive writing, check out Austraeoh. It's one of my favorite stories, (I'm an adventure sort of person), and it'll really give you an idea of how to capture your audience's attention.

~Swirls

[Rainy_Daze]

1407711
I go have a look at those then. again thank you for the tips.
yeah spelling is going to kill me, not vary strong in that department.

[Cobalt Swirls]

1407768

Not a problem, it's what I'm here for. As for spelling try writing everything out in a Word Document first where you have the benefit of spell check. Believe me, it's a life saver. Also, you can check out this group that will hopefully help you find a good editor.

Best of luck to you!
~Swirls

[Rainy_Daze]

1407817
What's funny is I did work on it in a word document. I think I'll check that group out eventually.
Thanks.

[Desert Storm]

OH OH, CAN I PROOF READ????

[Rainy_Daze]

1429416
Yes. you can.

[Desert Storm]

you cant see it, but i just did a front flip