The tale of a pony named Wilber Heartcarle, and the challenges he goes through to change the fate of himself and others. The last of the Heartcarle family, come along for the trip through the past and present of Wilber Heartcarle.
Chapters (6)
Rainy_Daze
Joined 27th Apr, 2012 ·
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Okay, couple of things I'm going to touch over:
1) You have a spelling error in the title of your story. That is bad news bears. You might wanna fix that before you get pelted with downvotes right off the bat.
2) Grammar. Not the absolute worst I've seen, but it needs to be proofread and cleaned up before it becomes fully presentable.
3) The voice that is speaking is still a voice; therefore, it needs quotation marks. Use italics to seperate the voice, not bars.
4) Don't introduce Chapter 2 in Chapter 1. Introduce Chapter 2 in Chapter 2.
5) You need to work on your characters' emotions. They're all out of whack and it makes it difficult to tell if they are flipping out, or boredly stating something.
Ex:
6) The final thing I will touch on is spacing. The golden bottom line of spacing and dialogue is New Speaker, New Paragraph. Pressing enter does not count. It needs to be spaced out completely.
Someone from the TWE will most likely be by with a full grammatical clean up and anyalsis of your writing (I would do it myself but I have homework that I need to tend to), but let this serve as a basic guideline of what you can improve on.
~Swirls
.
1407342
Thanks, I'll make what changes I need to.
1407619
Good on you. Having that kind of attitude is what makes a good writer. With practice and experience this will all eventually become second nature. In the meantime, I would definately recommend checking out some of the big stories and see how the authors go about writing them. Hospice is a good story to read through especially if you want to get a feel of how to write a more saddening or depressive story. As for descriptive writing, check out Austraeoh. It's one of my favorite stories, (I'm an adventure sort of person), and it'll really give you an idea of how to capture your audience's attention.
~Swirls
1407711
I go have a look at those then. again thank you for the tips.
yeah spelling is going to kill me, not vary strong in that department.
1407768
Not a problem, it's what I'm here for. As for spelling try writing everything out in a Word Document first where you have the benefit of spell check. Believe me, it's a life saver. Also, you can check out this group that will hopefully help you find a good editor.
Best of luck to you!
~Swirls
1407817
What's funny is I did work on it in a word document. I think I'll check that group out eventually.
Thanks.
OH OH, CAN I PROOF READ????
1429416
Yes. you can.
you cant see it, but i just did a front flip
probably should have used hard returns instead of double return, my bad
1668798
Question: What is hard return and double return?
Not a problem at all... I think at least.
hard return is where it makes a small space between paragraphs.
and a double return is where you you hit enter twice
1670908
Ahhh ok, I understand now.
Are you going to continue this?
2949797
Yes I am.
I'm in the process of writing chapter 5 right now.
The title of this chapter won me over. That aside, I find Wilber's dreamscape rather interesting. Oh, and happy belated Nightmare Night!
3704838
Dreams are crazy
Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Also Thanks for the follow and fav.