Kin With The Scales

by PaprikaBluesAndCo

1: Staring At The Edge of A Long Way Down

The alarm clock on my phone went off. I groaned, groped around for it, and shut off that stupid shrilly saccharin song. I rolled out of my floor bed and stomped my way into the bathroom to wake up. Splashing the frigid water on myself usually does the trick, but today.. it was just impossible.

Today was the day I was getting transferred to fucking Equestria.
I didn't mind the place, I'd vacationed there with family before, but living there sounded miserable. Saccharine sweetness and doors meant for creatures way shorter than you, and all the guff they have about friendship, even though they knew about our histories of war. They more or less found out immediately, not long after the worldgates opened up a few years ago.

But live there I must, or I'd lose my job as an outfield information technician. Which was just a fancy word for data entry.

My employers came to the conclusion that since Equestria just obtained the Internet from humanity, it would be a good idea to offer our services as a means to digitally archive everything. You know, just in case. One of the leaders of the country, one Twilight Sparkle, thought it would be a phenomenal idea, and thus we were hired as digital data archiving consultants. To that end, since I was on the lowest rung of the corporate ladder, my entire department was getting shafted across dimensions - it was either that or "lose our jobs to those talking horses". My boss's words, not mine.

Unfortunately, humans are not as psychotically enthusiastic as ponies are about trains, and therefore, I had to be up at 3:30 in the goddamn morning, because the only way through the portal was via train. Probably for security reasons or something.

I brushed my teeth, swished water in my mouth, and spit. Then, I started to do that weird thing again. I stared in the mirror, and regarded my own face once again. It's not that I was ugly, I just didn't feel right about it. A peel of my lips back into a snarl helped, somehow, but that wasn't a professional face to make on the job, so I relaxed my mouth again. The same flat lipped resting bitch face that would give any poker player a literal run for their money.

A knock at my door. A heaved sigh. One of those days, who could be up at this hour, I don't wanna go to work, I open the door.

Two humans, Matt and Jerome stood on my porch. My boys. My most trusted companions. It's only because of them that this whole chunk of my life was gonna be anything near worthwhile.

Matt was the skinniest dude I'd ever met. Long jet black hair, very pale skin, and no matter how much he ate, his ribs were always visible. He was a bit of an ass, a chronic snarker, but his sardonic attitude was what kept our shitty boss off our collective ass most of the time.

Jerome was in his usual business casual look. Ever since Left 4 Dead came out, he took it upon himself to be as physically, mentally, and probably even spiritually close to the Louis character as possible. Down to the red tie and optimism. His only shortcoming to being a downright clone of the guy was that his skin color was lighter, on account of his dad being black and his mom being Mexican.

They had a rental truck behind them, the bed of which was sporting a few cardboard boxes. I turned back, looked back at my own boxes, and frowned at em.
"You think my shit will fit?" I asked.
"Probably!" Jer said. "You're just packing your music right?"
"And my clothes," I added, "but that all fit in my backpack."
Matt snorted and waved his skeletal hand off. "Yeah it'll fit, but it'll take up the rest of the space."
"Just don't drive like a maniac, I spent a good chunk of change on packaging materials."
"Yeah, yeah," he teased, "Wouldn't want your precious hoard to get damaged now would we."
I sneered. "It's not a hoard. It's a collection."
"The difference being..?"

..

"Ask me that question again after I've had my coffee."
"Oh, great idea, Sal! I hear the Equestrians make a killer cup of joe!" Jer piped up. I could tell he was hoping to get a move on, but didn't wanna be rude and interrupt.
"If it outdoes Starbucks, I'm happy." I groaned, and moved to start loading my cargo.

---

Coffee. That bittersweet taste was one of the things that kept me going in this life, and this particular cup was spectacular. Dark, rich, smooth, a cavalcade of emotions and flavors, brewed and steeped to nigh perfection. No sugar or cream needed - and I lost myself in the mire.
The train tracks rumbled in a nearly perfect rhythmic pattern, as if the Equestrian penchant for musical harmony extended out into their own infrastructure, the beat of which provided a perfect drum for the music playing in my head as I ruminated with the dark concoction.

I could imagine Special Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks describing this cup to his recorder. "Diane," he'd say, "I am currently on a passenger train making a bee line towards the pony populated kingdom of Equestria - a curious categorization of government, considering there are no kings nor queens presiding over the land - only princesses. That's right, Diane, immortal princesses that bear the magical aspects of all three common tribes in the country. Strange leadership aside, they make some of the best damn coffee I've ever-"
"Hey, Sal."

I blinked. Right. I was not Special Agent Dale Cooper. I was Sal. Sal Carmine Manchester, average dork working a dead end job.
"Earth to Sal, you there?" Matt waved a hand in front of my face, and then started snapping his fingers.
"Yeah, yup, yeah, I'm here, I'm alive." I pushed his hand away.
"Good coffee, right?" Jer smiled.
"Too damn good." I nodded. "I was experiencing ego death and turning into Special Agent Dale Cooper." I joked and cracked a rare smile.
"..You didn't, take anything illicit before we got here, did you?" Matt asked, concerned.
"No, it was a joke, I'm clean." I sighed and dropped the smile on the ground, where it shattered; the joke was lost on them. "I'm really enjoying the coffee though."
"Yeah, I bet. You went catatonic dude." Matt looked at me with a tilted head, "Anyways, now that you had your coffee.. What's the difference?"

"What."
"Between a hoard and a collection?"
"..Oh yeah.." I nodded and started to think. "A hoard...has no curation. I'd just be taking and keeping like, well, a hoarder. I pick and choose based on my tastes."
Jer gave a warbling smile. "Taylor Swift is part of your 'taste'???"
"Shut it, her old stuff was good!" I defended.
They laughed a bit.

"What about a dragon hoard?" Jer asked me suddenly. "Like, Smaug, or that one bitch from Shrek. They have hoards, but it's always," and here he did his best impression of the Ancestor from Darkest Dungeon, "GLITTERING GOLD.. TRINKETS AND BAUBLES.. PAID FOR IN BLOOD."

I let out a snort. He continued, "It's always stuff that's valuable. You've got a dragon kinda hoard. Like how long have you had all that music?"
I screwed my mouth up. "Shit, nearly ten years now..?"
"Yeah, see, you value the hell out of anything in it. Dragon hoard." Jer nodded and took another sip of coffee.
"Are you calling me a dragon, Jer?" I asked.
"I dunno dude, I've seen your fursona.." Matt nonchalantly joked.
"Pfft. That was high school, jackass," I said in our usual friendly ribbing, "you thought JoJo's Bizarre Adventure was cool."
"Fuck you, it still is!"
"Is my fursona still cool?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Sure man, fuck it, why not." Matt shrugged. "It's the modern day. Fursonas are in again. I've watched Patricia Taxxon. So are you a dragon?"
"You say that like dragons are real, and I'm one in disguise."
"Ah, what a tragic fate..!" Matt grew poetic. "A secret so well kept, not even you know it..!" His face returned to its normal grin. "We are literally traveling through a magical portal to help a talking horse with her Wikipedia project. Anything is possible, bucko."

---

We got off the train and started hauling our boxes onto a rental wagon. Which sucked, but I understood why. Equestria banned cars from their country ever since their attempted introduction. Apparently some sneaky leftist told one of the princesses about the pollution, infrastructure cost, noise, and general unpleasantness they made. As a result, no cars, only trains.
It did mean that the air was a thousand times cleaner, though, and I took a deep breath. Some of the coffee taste still on my tongue had a meet and greet with the crisp autumn air. It was nice.
"Hey! Sal, you jackass, are you gonna stand there like a retired sailor yearning for the sea, or are you gonna help us push the damn cart?!" Matt shouted at me. I snickered. If his insults weren't so damn creative sometimes, I'd be way more offended. I moved over to help out.

"Okay! Push!" and off we went. The harness thingies you're supposed to use to pull the cart obviously didn't fit our bodies, and on top of that, none of us had a strong build. I personally hated that fact.
After what seemed like a good long effort, we stopped to take a break. We were all huffing and puffing, Matt looking the worst of us, and as I turned and leaned on the cart, I saw we'd barely fucking made it a quarter mile from the station.
"DAMMIT!" I growled.
"Hey, 'scuse me-" a random pony trotted up to us.
"Yeah, yeah, I know, we're in the way, we'll move it soon-" I grumbled.
"Naw, I was gonna ask if y'all needed help?"

I blinked. "What?"
Looking down at the pony, I could tell she was one of the ones with no wings or horn. She had a kinda-orange-brown coat, blonde mane, and a goddamn cowboy hat.
"Y'all don't seem much the labor type, so I figured I could lend a hoof. Or ah, heh, a hand."
Jer smiled gratefully. "That would be amazing of you, miss! We're heading towards.." He pulled out a piece of paper. "15 Greener Avenue. We don't have any money on us-"
"Ah, don't fuss over it." She waved us off before hitching up to the cart and pulling it like it was made of paper. We looked at each other, shrugged, and followed the pony.
"Name's Applejack. And y'all're..?"
"Matt."
"Jerome!"
"Sal.."

Applejack looked up at us curiously. "Don't humans have a buncha names squashed t'gether?"
"Yeah," I answered, "But from what I hear you ponies tend to refer to each other with the full name unless you're good enough friends. And I think I speak for all of us when I say I really don't want everyone here to constantly refer to me as 'Sal Carmine Manchester'."
Applejack barked a laugh. "Ha! Yeah, I reckon that makes sense."

"Besides," Matt got that glazed look in his eye, and I knew what was coming. "To invoke the full true name of a human is to call upon their basest essence; to hear your full named uttered is scarcely favorable to your soul.."
Applejack blinked.

"Aheh..! What he means is, ah, when someone says your full name, they're usually really upset with you." Jer intervened, his face looking exactly like an embarrassed anime character. I snorted.

"Well, Matt, Jerome, n' Sal, it's a right pleasure to meet y'all. I run the local farm, Sweet Apple Acres with my family. What brings you bunch down to our little humble town?"
We all somehow sighed at the same time. Jerome answered. "We're employees for Advanced-Maxim Information Technologies, LLC. To translate that into.. lay-mares terms, we got sent here to help with a data archiving project."

Applejack's ears perked up. "Oh! Y'all must be here to help my friend Twi with the book-ta-computer project she has!"
"That's probably it, yeah." I nodded.
"Well, I'm right happy you're here to help, Twilight's only just started, and she says that even with help, it'd take a few years to get all the books done."

Matt and I grimaced. Jer, obviously, looked delighted.
"I can't speak for my peers here, but I, for one, cannot wait to immerse myself in the culture! It seems like a great learning experience!"
"That's the spirit!" Applejack cheered him on. Yeesh, it was like he had found his people.

---

We made our way to the house that we were all going to be sharing and found it concerningly small.
Applejack frowned. "Hm. Y'all sure this is the place? Looks a mite.." she looked back to us. "ill-fittin'. Unless y'all're a herd- no, even then.."

Matt shrugged. "The Boss was always a cheap bastard."
We entered the house, and joined in Applejack's frowning. It was a one-bed, one-bath. A living room, a kitchen, and a backyard patio.
The walls seemed.. dilapidated. The windows were all broken and letting cold air in. We inspected the bathroom and saw black mold in the shower. We ran the tap, and the water came out greyish brown.

I licked my teeth.
".. Alright, I can take the back patio. Jer, you fine with using that couch as a futon?"
"Sure am!" He moved to try and unfold it.
Matt moved into the bedroom without verbal acknowledgement, but it was agreement enough for us. I heard a thump, confirming that he was unloading the first box.

Applejack looked appalled. "You ain't even gonna complain?!"
"If we complain, we lose our jobs." I growled.
"And we always make the best of a bad situation!" Jer added on.
Applejack shook her head. "That just won't do! I ain't about to let somecreature sleep on the cold hard floor."
"Ah, Sal just does that. They sleep on the floor!" Matt laughed.
"You.. do?"
"Yeh." I picked up one of my boxes from the cart.
"...Why?" She asked.
I shrugged. "Feels good. I get gender from it."
"Uh.. gender?"

"Oh, man, you ponies are innocent." Matt laughed. "No, see, there's some humans who are born one gender but don't-"
"Ah know what transgender is!" Applejack interrupted. "Mah big sis done came out the closet a while ago!"
"Oh, pog, sorry." Matt said.
"What I wanna know is why you get it from sleepin' on the ground!"

I put the box down on the patio, which had an awning and some walls. I'd have to find a way to get some privacy, but I could make it work. I turned to Applejack and shrugged again. "I dunno, I just do. Beds suck. Always so springy and soft. I'm happy with a slab of concrete, so long as there's like, a blanket between me and the actual ground."
Applejack gave me an amused look. "You sound like my buddy Spike."
"Buddy spiked?!" Matt shouted jokingly.
"Abort, abort!" Jer joined in as he fiddled with the old couch, and he yanked on the lever too hard. It suddenly exploded out, the springs flying up like knives and embedding into the ceiling. Jer yelped and ducked for cover.

Matt emerged to see what the commotion was, and we all stood there, staring at the ruined couch and the ceiling.

"That's it, I can't stand for no more o' this. I can talk with Twilight 'bout having rooms set up for y'all in her Castle."
"WHAT?" Matt shouted.
"HUH?" Jer looked up from his hiding spot.
"Really?" I asked, skeptically. "You don't even know us."
"I know y'all well enough to know you're good folk who deserve a better place to rest your head! Now git your boxes back in the cart, let's go talk to Twilight."
"But-"
"But nothing! If'n your boss even thinks about firing you over bad conditions, he's got another thing coming! Now git a move on!"

Ponies, man. Too nice for their own good.

---

We found ourselves in this big ass castle. Jer was a little put off by the crystalline aesthetic, but for some reason the entire thing just made me feel really cozy. Maybe it was just how damn quiet the place was. We sat on some bean bag cushions, the most accommodating of chairs for any entity. Applejack explained the situation to the princess - I guessed internally that Applejack and Twilight go way back, because on our planet, the only chances of a farmer being that close to an immortal princess were reserved for the romance section at Barnes and Noble.

"Of course I can set up living quarters for you all!" The Princess said with a smile. "After all, since you're going to be helping me directly with this project, it'll make this that much easier. Besides, this castle has more rooms than I know what to do with. It won't be a problem at all."

Applejack sighed in relief. "Ah just don't rightly know why y'all's boss tried to get you to live in that house. More broken down than the Castle of the Two Sisters, it was!"
Twilight furrowed a brow. "Which house?"
Jer pulled out the paper again. "I got an email from our manager saying we were to move into '15 Greener Ave'."

Twilight was silent for a bit. Her horn started to glow, and some manilla folder popped into existence. She looked through it, pulled out a paper, and said, "I knew it! That address has been condemned for a year now, on account of health and safety hazards. It's due to be torn down next week." She looked up from the paperwork, to us, and said, "Did you not see the big yellow tape around the building saying, 'condemned - do not enter'?"

".. What yellow tape..?" Jer asked.
"I didn't - did you?" Matt turned to me.
"No."

Twilight turned to Applejack, who solemnly nodded. "I'm 'Fraid they're honest, Twi. I didn't see hair nor hide of a warning."
Twilight scowled, but said nothing. "Well, I don't wish to jump to any conclusions, so let's just say there were some unfortunate circumstances that nearly had you living in... unacceptable conditions. Regardless," she gently plucked the printout from Jer's hand. "I would like to retain this record of your superiors' orders, on the off chance that.. well, let's just say, 'just in case'. That sound alright?"

I looked at my boys, they looked at me, and then we all started nodding our heads saying, "Sure, yeah, uh-huh, sounds great, yup."

"Excellent! Then without further ado, let's get your living quarters situated, and you'll be free to do as you like for the rest of the evening. I simply ask that you report to my office at 8:45, bright and early-"

"THERE YOU ARE." I flinched, and slowly turned my head to find the source of that horrifically bland and normal, yet somehow grating voice. Burlane, our boss, burst into the room holding a piece of paper in his hands. "What're you boys doing, sitting around on your asses? You find that house I got you yet?!"
"Yes, sir, but," Jer started.
"Great, then it's time to work, dammit, up, up, move, get archiving!" Burlane hadn't seen Twilight yet, apparently.
"Hey boss, maybe if you shut your sorry pale ass up, you'd see the Princess behind you who has an issue with our room and board." Matt growled.
"!?" Burlane turned around, and immediately his toxic demeanor was replaced by that slick politeness that he put on whenever someone higher up than him was in the room. "Ohh, Princess Twilight, a pleasure to meet you in person, ah, apologies, I just have to whip these three into line, I'm sure a wonderful leader like yourself would understand, haheh." He tried to give the shittiest bow I'd ever seen.

"Why yes I do, Mister Burlane. But as a leader of a country I must also take into consideration the needs and wants of my subjects, and I'd like to address a discrepancy I've come across." She'd gone from informal and friendly to a political menace. "It's come to my attention your company allegedly rented out a building for your employees to reside in, but I've found that it was condemned last year, and due for demolition quite soon. Your employees claim they weren't informed of any of this, and when they entered the building, there were no warning signs to prevent entry."

Burlane's face twitched into rage, before returning to a diplomatic neutral. "Ah.. I see the issue here. Jeromy, as per my last email, I had contacted you saying that there was a clerical error, and that you were supposed to go to 17 Greenes Avenue. Here, see?" He held the paper up in Jer's face in a very rude motion. The usual.
"Sir," Twilight began, but was interrupted.
"You three boys know better than to waste the Princess' time! Now get moving, we have work to-"

"SIR!" Twilight shouted, ripping the other paper from Burlane's hand. "First of all, I have lived here for many years now, and I can state with extreme confidence that there is NO 17 Greenes Avenue! Secondly, I've already made the royal decree to have your employees situated in my castle, for both their comfort and my convenience, as they will be a trot away from my archive project. Third, if this is about the fact that I am paying your company by the hour, then you'll note in clause 7 Subsection 1a that no work shall be done until the agreed upon date, which is TOMORROW. Fourth, I am royalty, and do not take well to being interrupted!"
"Ah, yes, your majesty." Burlane said with a frown.
"Thank you. Now that these items are settled, I will see you all in the morning." She nodded to us three, left with Applejack, and Burlane scoffed.

"Talk about a ROYAL pain in the ass, right?" He laughed. We didn't. He picked up on that.
"Oh, c'mon, you boys used to be fun! Remember that, fun?"
"No sir, I have a selective memory disorder." Matt snarked. "It's called spacing out syndrome. It's terminal."
"Ha! See, you get it, Matty. Alright well, since her Majestic Bitchiness won't pay us till tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and have some more fun. You boys in?"
"We still gotta unpack." I said, flatly.
"..No fun. No fun at aaallll. Whatever. Be there at 6 AM sharp or I'll take your paychecks hostage."
And then he left.

---

I gently laid out each jewel case and vinyl sleeve out into the shelves of my new bedroom. Twilight popped in to check on me, and a lizard that was a bit shorter than her followed. "You settling in well, Mist- Miss- um.."
"Just Sal is alright, Princess. Thanks for acknowledging that I'm not a girl or a guy." I nodded at her.
"No problem. And just Twilight is alright, I honestly hate pulling the royalty card. If Mister Burlane hadn't.. nevermind."

I gave her a gentle smile. I felt I was running low on smiles and would need to stock up soon. "As for settling in.. I've run out of space to put my belongings.. you wouldn't happen to have anymore storage shelves, wouldja?"
"Why do you ask? I thought you had finished unpacking your music..?" She tilted her head.
I opened the second out of tenth box. "No."
I emptied out another collection of music tapes, CDs and vinyls onto the bed gently. She saw the pile and the remaining boxes and gawked. The little lizard, however..

"Dude! Sick hoard..!"
I somehow laughed and frowned at the same time. "It's not a hoard."
"Spike!" Twilight chastised. "That's not polite!"
"Among dragons it is! Complimenting another dragon's hoard is one of the highest honors!" He defended, raising his arms and flaring out the wings that I had only just now noticed.

My mind went into overdrive.
That's a dragon? Holy shit that's a dragon. Dragons are real? Dragons are real! That dragon just talked to me!
That dragon just complemented my h- my collection?!

Something clicked in my brain.

"But they are not a dragon Spike, you can't--"
"What kinda hoard do you have??" I butted in, bending my knees down to the dragon's level. He struck a pose and proudly declared, "Hah! I got the best one: A hoard of FRIENDSHIP!"

My brain slipped for a moment and I laughed, and I saw anger flash in his face. A jolt ran down my spine.
He may have been shorter than me, but he could probably thrash my ass. And if complementing a hoard was of the highest honors.. insulting a hoard, even with just a laugh? I'd rather not find out what that would do.
I reeled myself back in, and offered him a fist bump. "That's sick as fuck my guy. That's awesome. A hoard that none but time can take away. You can call me Sal, Spike. Honored to meet you."

He blinked, smiled, and my quick thinking was rewarded. He bumped my fist back, and we nodded.
Twilight silently observed the both of us, and then she and Spike wished me a good night. I grabbed a comforter from the bed, dropped it onto the floor, and splayed out on it, trying to fall asleep in my clothes.
The cool hard texture of the rock floor was perfect. I heaved a big sigh and considered the issue at hand.

A dragon had just called me another dragon. Stacked on top of the weird turn the conversation on the train took, I began to feel that strange discomfort with my face take shape. I rolled onto my belly, and looked at my reflection in the crystal wall. That lack of a snout. The oval shape of my head. Boring eyes. I snarled at the reflection, and all I got in return was a realization that I really hated how flat my teeth were.

I had no idea what I'd just gotten myself into up until that point. I growled, slowly increasing the volume, until I managed to shape the feelings into one word:
"mmmrrrrghgghrhrghghghfhghfffffFFFFFUCK!"

Comments

[Rikad]

Enjoying the start of this. I look forward to more.