Princess Twilight Sparkle Versus The Royal Harem Decree

by SilverNotes

Philia

"Twilight? We've got a visitor."

One day. She'd like to get through just one day of work or research without an interruption. She slowly looked up from the book, looking at Spike as he lingered in the doorway to her study, openly eyeing her with worry. The yelling last night from the vicinity of her bedroom had had him more than a little worried, and she'd had to reassure him before breakfast that she wasn't going to go on a rampage.

At least it wasn't Starlight announcing a situation, but she wasn't holding out much hope. "Oh wonderful. Who is it this time, Spike? Tirek? Sombra? The Flim-Flam brothers?"

"It's Moondancer."

Twilight blinked. "Oh." She gave a small smile, starting to get up and shake the encroaching sleep out of her legs. "I guess I can do this another time. It'd be nice to see an old friend, with how stressful things have been." She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen her Canterlot friends, now that she thought about it; she'd tried to catch the other girls more often when they came around to visit Lyra, but she'd been so swamped with the new school that it'd gotten harder to make time.

It'd be lovely to be away from Chrysalis and Trixie's heckling and spend some time with somepony more sensible.

Twilight held onto that thought, that hope, even as she stepped into the map room and found her old friend standing there. She wasn't wearing her usual sweater, and she'd done something different with her mane. It looked like she'd even gotten new glasses recently, the sleeker frames better complementing her face. It should have registered as strange, but she had been putting more effort into taking care of herself since coming out of her shell, and Twilight was desperate for a life raft amidst the insanity of the recent few days.

"Moondancer, it's so good to see--"

The sweater-less mare bowed, and Twilight's heart sank with dread. "I, Moondancer, h-hereby pledge... myself... mine self... b-body, heart, and soul, to Princess Twilight Sparkle, to be... used in... a-any way that she see fit... as her ...harem mare."

---

Moondancer couldn't breathe.

Breathing had been a constant difficulty, it felt like, since she'd first read the newspaper headline. As she'd stumbled over each word, she'd feared that Twilight would just go back in and close the doors, leaving her standing there like a stupid, heartbroken filly.

Instead, Twilight started leading her through the castle. She hadn't gotten to see the inside before, beyond the map room--Twilight seemed to want to hang out anywhere but at the castle during her visits, and so Lyra usually ended up hosting them all--and she found herself awestruck. It had been huge from the outside, but seemed even bigger inside, and she found herself wondering about its magical properties. It'd sprouted out of the ground from a piece of the Tree of Harmony, and she had no doubt that a researcher could spend a lifetime unraveling the mysteries of how it worked.

Even a marvel like this couldn't take up her attention entirely, not when Twilight was striding ahead of her with purpose, and when she stopped in front of a door and opened it, revealing a cozy-looking study, Moondancer followed her in on increasingly-shaking hooves.

Once the door shut, Twilight's horn flared with light, and a glow covered the whole of its surface. She then let out a relieved sigh. "Okay, I set up a lockdown spell. Nopony will overhear anything that happens in here."

Moondancer's eyes widened and her ears stood up. "Tw-twilight? Right now?" Took a breath, trying to steel herself even as her face started to burn red. "I-I mean, it would be my honour as your harem mare to--"

Twilight shook her head gently. "It's okay, Moondancer. I just said no one can hear. You can drop the charade."

"Wh-what?"

Twilight's voice continued to sound so soft, so gentle, so caring. "What happened? Did you lose your archivist job? I can put a word in around Canterlot to help you--"

"What, no, that's not--"

"Did something happen to your home? Kicked out? Burned down? Eaten by parasprites?"

Eaten by what? "No! Twilight, what are--"

"Is it your family? Did something happen with them that you need help?"

"No!" She stomped a hoof, tears of frustration burning at her eyes. "What are you talking about?"

Her hoof was suddenly being lifted by one of Twilight's, and their forelegs together like that would have normally had her overjoyed, if not for what she said next. "We're friends, Moondancer. You can just ask to stay with me for a while. You don't have to be underhoofed about it like Chrys--"

A series of polite knocks at the door cut off her words and forestalled Moondancer's next frustrated reply. "...One second." The hoof left hers far too soon, and the door swung open to show Spike standing there, arms crossed across his chest. "How did you know we were in here? The spell would have kept you from hearing us."

"That doesn't stop it from being the only door in the castle that's glowing." He jerked a thumb-claw toward the glow in question. "Starlight needs you to go over some school budget stuff."

Twilight flinched. "Right, today's budget day..." She glanced back at Moondancer, their eyes meeting far too briefly before she focused on Spike again. "You help Moondancer get settled in, okay? Make sure nopony bullies her."

Spike gave a brief salute. "Threaten to set Chrysalis on fire if she looks at her wrong, got it."

"You're spending too much time around Pharynx." Another glance back, with that concerned look that Moondancer wasn't sure if she wanted to smack it off her face, or kiss it off. "I've got to go. We'll talk later."

---

Twilight wasn't surprised by what she saw when she set hoof in her bedroom. Hours going over the books with Starlight, and then sending them off to Princess Luna for her to check the math, had left her tried, but not too tired for basic pattern recognition. She'd made sure to refresh the now-improved enchantments, and while the changeling detection had turned up negative, the unicorn detection hadn't. It wasn't the unicorn she'd most expected, but, again, she couldn't quite muster surprise as she stared at Moondancer laying in her bed.

The lack of sweater had looked odd when she'd shown up, but it was Moondancer having set aside her glasses that truly made her look naked. Though, if she'd been attempting an alluring look, the fact that the lack of glasses had her squinting dashed any hopes. Her legs kept fidgeting, as if she couldn't figure out how to best to drape them, and her tail kept giving nervous flicks.

There was another creature in between her and a night's rest, for the fourth night in a row. Moondancer was above average in magical talent, but only above average, which was a blip on the radar compared to an alicorn. She wouldn't be able to resist being removed from the bed and shoved out the door, and so taking away that obstacle would have been trivial.

Moondancer continued to squirm nervously and squint at her.

Twilight's horn lit, and a pillow and blanket rose from the bed. Then she turned around and walked out of the room again, both in tow.

Then she teleported.

---

"Now, Twilight, I enjoy a sudden appearance of one of my dear friends as much as any draconequus, but did you just say you were looking for some 'peace and quiet'?"

"Yes."

Discord stared past Twilight as she stood in his doorway, out at the warping landscape of screaming horrors and swirls of impossible colours. A pink elephant in a tutu and a writhing mass of black tentacles bowed to one another before beginning an aggressive tap-dance competition, while sock puppet judges in bowties held up signs with imaginary numbers. "In Chaosville?"

Twilight didn't look back, even as her feathers continued giving off clouds of green-purple smoke, the blanket she was holding briefly lost its third dimension, and her horn rapidly changed to, and back from, a foam pool noodle. Her eye gave a single twitch. "Yes."

"Well, you're always welcome in my home, of course." Discord stepped aside to let her in, then shut the door behind her just as the tap-dance contest was interrupted by a chartreuse mer-goat singing in five long-dead languages with seven voices. "But I do wonder what could be going on back in Ponyville that you'd need to get away from it all."

Twilight looked at him, and seemed to be seriously considering her life choices, with a look on her face that told him that she'd been doing so very frequently in a short length of time. "If you don't already know, I'm not going to tell you."

Discord gasped, putting a hand to his chest. "Twilight Sparkle, I thought we were friends. You don't trust me?"

Her eye twitched again. "Plundervines."

"That's hardly fair. I planted those well before I was reformed, and when they sprouted I simply saw an opportunity to help teach--"

"Blue flu."

"That's--"

"The Grand Galloping Gala."

"Well, Celestia had a good time."

"The in-jokes prank."

"I--"

"Tirek."

Discord huffed. Now that was a low blow, but she seemed a bit sleep-deprived, so he'd forgive the rudeness like the good friend he was. "Touché." He crossed his arms, then vanished from by the door and reappeared on the couch, holding his copy of 101 Ways To Prank A Pony Princess upside-down. "Now what can I do to help you with that... peace and quiet you so dearly wanted?"

Twilight sighed, wings drooping with the weight of relief. "Do you have a guest room I could use?"

He snapped his fingers, and his house gave a little shimmy-shake as it expanded without taking up any new actual physical space. "I do now. Just mind the dust bunnies and the boogeymares. They're having a garden party, but I'll ask them to keep it down."

"Thank you." She shuffled toward the twisty-turny steps, which obligingly un-twisted some for her. "And I'm sorry for snapping at you. It's just... been a long few days."

Discord surprised himself with how much his own voice softened. "Water under the bridge, Twilight. Go get some rest."

She nodded, took a few more steps, and paused. "Can I ask for one more favour?"

"Go right ahead."

"Would you like to do a guest lecture at the school?"

Discord blinked furiously. "Me? Lecture your friendship students?"

Twilight nodded. "I think you'd provide a unique perspective on friendship, and I think it's a good idea to not just have ponies doing the teaching." She then gave a sly smile. "Unless you think you can't handle the responsibility?"

Oh that little... "Well played, Miss Sparkle." He chuckled and slithered over to pat the top of her head. "You can be downright manipulative sometimes. Makes an old chaos spirit proud." He casually took the pillow near her head and fluffed it before letting her magic grasp it again. "I'd be honoured. And I promise I won't meddle in whatever it is that has you stressed."

"Thank you, Discord." Twilight smiled as she ascended the steps, and he smiled after her.

It was a good promise to make. He might have liked to mess with Twilight occasionally, but right now that'd just be kicking her while she was down. Until things were resolved, he'd leave her be to sort it out without his brand of help to drive her even more batty.

However, he'd made no promises about Starlight, and given that he'd be visiting the school soon...

With Twilight well out of earshot, Discord gave a dark chuckle.

Comments

[RainbowDoubleDash]

Discord

So my hatred for Discord is the stuff of legend, but good news! This story by necessity takes place in an alternate universe where Season 9 didn't happen, meaning that at worst Discord's most recent episode is "A Matter of Principals", where I think he was a dick but didn't do anything that made me fundamentally hate him - and besides that he'd just come off of four appearances where he was actually a decent person, not being the deliberate cause of any problem nor deliberately trying to make an existing problem worse.

So none of my usual complaints about Discord apply, and I can just enjoy him here as being like a mix between Mr. Myxzpltk and The Great Gazoo and not launch into a miles-long tirade about hi -

However, he'd made no promises about Starlight, and given that he'd be visiting the school soon...

[[MILES LONG TIRADE INTENSIFIES]]

[Razzy]

Hmm... Okay, this is an alternate Discord who's not yet and probably will never do his season 9 crimes against everything good in the world, I can deal with that.

Careful, Spike, if you try anything like that, Chryssie is liable to find the nearest hole, stuff you inside it, resin you in it and maybe consider the remote possibility of one day contemplating the far-future theoretical option of thinking about letting you out in about a billion years.

[Vampire king Jonathan]

Ohh burn hehe twilight sparkle took all of discords blunders and shoved them in his face

[Eroraf86]

11584137
You misspelled "Mxyzptlk." And I only know that because of how he enunciated it: "MIX-YUZ-SPIT-LICK."

[Actua]

11585909
They changed that from the comics. Mix-yes-pit-el-ik or Mik-sil-plik. It seems to be up to the author of the moment, but being that hes a being from a higher dimensional plane, it could be all three and then a dozen others we can't technically hear... Not anymore.