Chapter 2: The slugs' training "buddies"
The next day…
The Crystal Empire’s Royal Guards, all wearing their armor and holding their spears, stood in their training grounds just outside of the Crystal Empire’s borders. They would be in for a level of training they would never forget.
“So why do you think Princess Cadance suddenly wants to train us?” A guard asked.
Another guard shrugged his hooves. “No idea. Maybe she wanted something to do? She does sometimes get bored around this time of day.”
“Or maybe she heard about how Princess Luna trained those bums in Canterlot to be – how was it said – buff, mean, fighting machines? At least we were always buff, more or less!”
“If that’s the reason she wants to train us, we might be in big trouble.”
“Yeah, right,” an orange pegasus, whose name was Flash Sentry, said. “Princess Cadance may be an alicorn, but she’s still Princess Cadance. Compared to the Captain’s drills, this is going to be a walk in the–”
“Clamp those mouths and line up, now!” a female voice bellowed.
The guards gasped. They dropped their spears and lined up in lines of seven. Princess Cadance, wearing a blue hat, sauntered to them, scowling.
“You slugs call that ‘fast’?! Old mares in retirement homes move faster than that!” She strode over to Flash. She glared him in the eyes and forced a shudder from the pegasus. “As for you, what do you think you’re doing?”
“Um, lining up?”
“With that posture?! And you are supposed to be the best guard we have?!” She scoldingly poked Flash on his back. “Stand tall, back straight, head high!”
Flash straightened out his posture while grinning submissively.
“Same goes for the rest of you!”
The other guards did posture fixing of their own and matched their peer’s grin.
Cadance paced back and forth in front of her guards and said, “Now, I’m sure you are wondering why I wanted to train you all. Well, I won’t lie; your embarrassingly quick and one-sided loss against the Changelings was pathetic! They didn’t even blindside any of you like they managed to do to me, and they still made you look like a joke!”
With Cadance continuing her “the reason you suck” speech, a guard whispered to another guard beside him, “Hey, is this her time of the ye–”
One of Cadance’s ears twitched. In a blue poof, she teleported in front of the whispering guard with a harsh scowl.
“Sir talks-a-lot! Did I give you permission to speak?!”
“N-n-no, Princess Cadance!”
She leaned her head closer to the hapless guard, coaxing a drop of anxious sweat to run down his forehead. “What did you call me?!”
“Uh, Princess Cadance?”
“Wrong answer!” Cadance leaned her head back. “If you weren’t so busy yapping to one of your pals, I would have gone on to say that you will call me ‘Sergeant Cadance’ when under my training! Is that clear?!”
“Yes, Sergeant Cadance!”
“LOUDER! Nopony could hear that little whisper!”
"YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”
“Better! Now, I will give you all some credit; compared to how the guards in Canterlot weren’t buff before Princess Luna trained them, Shining Armor at least got you somewhat buff. Especially Flash Sentry.”
Flash smiled and triumphantly raised his head.
Cadance teleported to Flash. “Lower that head, deflate your big head, and put away that smile! You aren’t that much buffer!”
The top guard did what he was told. As if he wouldn’t.
With her guard’s ego grounded, Cadance resumed pacing. “Anyway, once I’m done with you slugs, your days of being no more than target practice will soon end. For now, since you have some fighting abilities, poor as they may be, we can skip to the tougher parts of my training right away, after you give six hundred push-ups as a warm-up!”
“Six hundred?!” all the guards shouted.
“Did I stutter?!”
“NO, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”
“So six-hundred push-ups you will do! Shining Armor said you are all in tip-top shape, so you should be able to handle that many! Or maybe I underestimated you and you think six hundred is not enough?”
No reason to even answer that question. The guards dropped to the ground and pushed themselves up, and down. Up, and down, up, and down. Sweat rained down their faces as the pushing went on.
After they were finally done with push-up #600, they collapsed to the ground, panting. Luckily, their sergeant allowed them time to rest.
Ten minutes later…
“All right, rest time is over. Fetch your spears and prepare to engage in battle against some opponents I picked for you." Cadance looked up to a cloud. A draconequus stretched snugly across the cloud with a bag of popcorn. “Okay, Discord! It–”
“NO!!” the guards screamed.
“Sergeant Cadance, with all due respect, you can’t be serious about us fighting Discord!” Flash pleaded.
Cadance glared back at Flash. “Cool your panicking! Did I say he would be your opponent?”
“No?”
“Then next time, let me finish before you start freaking out!” Cadance looked back up to Discord. “As I was saying, Discord, it’s time! Give me three Bugbears! Remember to have them only feel minimum pain if they are pierced by a spear and not bleed from it, but still be slowed down from the injury!”
Discord snapped his paw; three Bugbears poofed into existence near the ground. As if they already had the okay, the Bugbears charged toward the guards.
Said guards snatched up their spears and split into three groups. They unleashed a battle cry, then each group charged at their own Bugbear, spears drawn.
*Pow!*
Annnnd each group was blindsided and knocked back with a single strike from a Bugbear they weren’t targeting. The poor ponies crashed and rolled onto the ground. Stars circled their heads.
Discord grimaced while watching the show from his cloud. ”Oof. Even with their armor on, that’s going to leave a mark. It’s no wonder Fluttershy said that the newbie sergeant wanted me to double as a safety net for these guys.”
Not amused by the "F-" grade performance, Cadance yelled, “Slugs! What in Celestia’s name was that?!”
A slug started, “Uh–”
“Wrong answer! Get up and try again!”
The guards shook off the stars dancing around their heads and stood to their hooves. They re-gathered in three groups, this time separated into their respective pony tribes, and charged back at the Bugbears. One of the bears flew up and the group of pegasi chased after them. Unicorns fired magic blasts at one of the two bears still near the ground while earth ponies charged toward the third one. The two grounded bears swerved side to side as earth ponies and magic beams blew just past them in missed tackles and hits.
For creatures so big, those Bugbears could move!
But despite the shockingly agile movements of their opponents, all guards’ eyes remained locked on their targeted Bugbear as they continued charging or trying to snipe one with magic beams. With ponies closing in from behind two of them, the three bears looped about to scatter all over the training grounds, then converged onto each other. Once together, the trio shot upwards at the last possible moment to evade the pursuing guards and magic blasts. The good news is that the guards’ charging and magic did hit targets.
The bad news: what they hit were their fellow guards!
*POW!*
They screamed and recoiled backward from the impacts of the friendly fire. Thankfully, the ponies charging with spears instinctively pointed their spears away safely before impact. “Sorry!” they yelled at each other.
All three Bugbears blew mocking raspberries at the downed ponies.
“This severely underwhelming story is almost getting sad,” Discord said from his cloud. He gulped down a pawful of popcorn and added, “Almost.”
Cadance growled and stomped to her so-called Royal Guards. "That was so awful, I would need to make up a new word for how awful it was! Fight as a unit and play off your respective strengths!”
“But we’re getting a little sore from this. Can we try again a little later?”
Definitely the wrong answer. Cadance’s scowl intensified as a vein bulged in her neck. “NO! Before the Crystal Heart was discovered, did I ‘try again a little later’ when I went without sleep to cast a protective spell 24/7 to keep Sombra at bay?! Did I ‘try again a little later’ when the Changelings invaded the Crystal Empire, even after I was too tired from the fight to see straight?!”
The underrated badflank pink alicorn leaned down to the questioning guard. “Well, did I?!”
“No.”
“See?! I could have quit much sooner in both cases, but I refused because the Crystal Empire needed me to stand and fight! If you are true Royal Guards, you will keep fighting!” Cadance lifted her head back up. In a less harsh tone, she added, “I wouldn’t have you take on those things if I didn’t know if you could prevail. Try doing something to distract them first, then go on the offensive.”
A spark of warmth and strength from their sergeant’s words pulsed through the guards’ bodies. They stood to their hooves, huddled in a circle, and whispered a battle plan.
As Cadance flew back to get back out of range of the battle, she thought, ‘Oh Celestia, it is killing me to put them through this. I’m going to make it up to them once their training is over.’
Oblivious to Cadance’s internal lament (obviously; they can't read minds), the guards broke out of their huddle. Every unicorn fired a flurry of magic blasts at the Bugbears, spooking all three beasts to fly away while weaving through the air. Pegasi, led by Flash Sentry, took to the skies and soared over the still-fleeing bears.
“NOW!!” Flash shouted.
The unicorns ceased firing magic. The bears froze from the sudden ceasefire. Pegasi took the opening to either slam into a Bugbear with their bodies or stick them with a spear–and then slam into them. The slams knocked the bears toward the ground, where the earth ponies rammed into them. After the earth pony attack, magic blasts from unicorns laid into the bears. After the final beam hit its mark, all three formally smug beasts collapsed onto their backs, then vanished in a poof.
The sergeant nodded in approval. “Congratulations, slugs. You have made your first step toward becoming buff, mean, fighting machines. Now that you have warmed up, it’s time to make things a tad harder now.” She looked at Discord and shouted, ”Discord, give me six Bugbears!”
Discord snapped his paw; six Bugbears poofed into existence and immediately charged. The guards yelled and repeated the first step of their past attack with unicorns firing magic.
However, the bears cut to either the left or right and circled the ponies like a tornado, who froze in surprise from the sudden change in the bears’ attack. The bears’ circling shifted into a dizzying all-out blitz into the stunned ponies, sending them flying every which way.
One of the guards, Flash, crashed and slid to land just before Sergeant Cadance’s hooves. He stared up at her and smiled sheepishly.
“Please don’t tell Princess Twilight about how I'm faring.”
“I will send her pictures if you don’t get back up and fight ASAP!”
He got back up ASAP and joined his comrades in another attack. Who all got smacked backward again by their “sparring” partners.
Welp, this would go on for a while.
One hour of flank-kicking later…
Another slam from Bugbear attacks knocked guards to the ground, again.
“Okay, that’s enough! Discord, you can send your Bugbears back from whatever you got them!”
His bag of popcorn now empty, Discord snapped his paw. The six bears poofed to Discord’s chaotic realm. He always wanted to have Bugbears as dinner guests.
“As for you slugs, I have to meet some delegates from Fillydelphia in a half-hour, so we will call it a day. However, we will be back out here tomorrow to try again. Is that clear?!"
“Yes, Sergeant Cadance!”
“I didn’t hear you! Answer like you mean it!”
“YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”
With that, Cadance and her bruised guards returned to the Crystal Castle. Those guards may never look at Cadance in the same light again, but at least they didn’t resent her. Perhaps they sensed she hated being so hard on them despite her hiding it perfectly.
Or they were just that loyal to her, being the benevolent and gracious alicorn that she normally is.
The next day, at the Royal Guards’ training grounds…
Yet another failed attack on six Bugbears smacked guards to the ground. It was becoming such a sad ongoing sight, Discord considered buffing them with his magic to throw them a bone. Alas, he chose to let them keep trying to do it with their own strength, for now.
“You one-trick-ponies keep trying the same strategies! Think outside the box a little!”
After a nod. the guards circled in another huddle. They whispered one inaudible new plan after another. After some revising of a plan, they all broke their huddle and charged. No unicorn fired magic.
The Bugbears, smirking at how their new punching bags were coming at them again, stay put. They had started to gain a bit of fondness for them, so the bears wanted to at least make it look like this wouldn’t be another one-sided battle.
As the guards drew close, all unicorns’ horns glowed. A blinding flash of light flared holes into the Bugbears’ retina. They roared in pain and covered their eyes as Earth ponies and pegasi charged into and leveled the bears with spears and tackles. Unicorns reinforced the attack with full-powered wave upon wave of magic. The owned Bugbears slammed into the ground, then disappeared in a poof of magic.
Victorious, the weary ponies collapsed to the ground, yet still summoned the strength to smile in pride.
“Finally. I was getting worried I’d be an old mare before somepony finally beat them–and it takes alicorns a long time to grow old. Now, those Bugbears did a number on you all even with your armor, so today's training session will end here. But come tomorrow, my training will stop being so easy. Is that clear?”
“YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”
The next day (again), back in the training grounds (again…)
“All right, slugs, I hope you are well-rested. As I said yesterday, this next leg of your training won’t be as easy as your Bugbear battles, so steel yourselves. Is that clear?”
“YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”
“Good!” Cadance looked up to Discord, lying across a cloud again. “Discord, give me a Cragadile!”
“Uh, you sure about that, Sergeant of Love? Half of your guards/slugs could get eaten.”
"What?!" the guards/slugs exclaimed.
“They’ll be fine! Just make it a well-fed Cragadile that won’t eat even a single hair of a pony!”
“Gotcha.” Discord waved down to the guards. “Good luck, sluggos. You are going to need it.” He snapped his paw; a massive Cragadile poofed in front if its (likely) victims. It roared and stomped its way closer, the ground shaking with each heavy stomp.
Hoo boy. Bugbears were one thing, but a Cragadile?! But then again, those "sluggos" were supposed to be able to deal with any threat to the Crystal Empire and its citizens.
Just ignore that Cragadiles are usually native to swamps and forests, such as the Everfree Forest, and thus are too far away to ever threaten the Crystal Empire.
“Remember, you are the defenders of the Crystal Empire. Don’t let that little Cragadile scare you; show it what you got!”
The guards roared and swarmed the Cragadile. It spun around in a harsh circle and slammed its tail into every guard, sending them careening in all directions and crashing onto the ground. They bounced back up and charged again, but unicorns added magic beams to the assault this time. Spears landed on the Cragadile, but their tips merely sild off the beast’s hard scales. The magic beam part of the attack fizzled against the previously mentioned scales.
As should be expected by this point, those guards then got knocked painfully again by a swinging tail and landed on their backs. Good try colts and fillies.
Not done yet, the ponies sprung to their hooves again. Unicorns unleashed a flash of light that blinded the monster, while earth ponies and pegasi fired a third round of spear attacks, poking for any weaknesses in the Cragadile’s armor. The Cragadile abruptly slowed its stomps and grew still on the ground. Its eyes slowly, wearingly, closed.
Cragadile: 2, Royal Guards: 1?!
The underdog guards cheered while hopping up and down. Some gave each other “five hooves.” As that went on, the Cragadile’s eyes flew open, its view now clear of the glare from the unicorns’ flash attack.
‘Suckers,’ the Cragadile thought. It roared and slammed its tail into the guards and sent them packing before they even had the chance to realize they were screwed.
Let's change that score. Cragadile: 3, Royal Guards: 0.
“Okay, that was a bit better, but–”
A guard said, “I quit.”
“Uh, what?” Cadance asked in a light gasp.
“Me too. I just don’t have what it takes.”
More guards followed suit. Uh-oh. Cadance thought they would dig deep and push through, not tap out!
It couldn’t end this way. Cadance’s mind raced on how to fix pushing them too hard. She could revert to her true personality, apologize, drop her plan to train them, and hope that the Crystal Empire wouldn’t get attacked again. Or consider training herself when she had free time and try to become an alicorn so powerful, she could defeat any villain all by herself. Or just ask the legendary Spike the Brave and Glorious to help save her kingdom if need be. Oh, and there were also Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends to help.
Or Cadance could take yet another option and shoot for a far crazier idea. She couldn’t screw up this train wreck much more, so why not go for it all?
“No! You can’t quit! Not with them watching and laughing at you!”
Flash turned his head in Cadance’s direction. “Uh, ‘them’?”
“I will tell you all a secret that Pinkie Pie once told me. This may be hard to believe, but weird ape-like creatures from another world are capable of watching us, and they always laugh at you!”
The laughed at guards’ eyes widened, followed by a mass gasping from their mouths.
“What?! They do?”
“Yes! They always joke about how ‘useless’ you all are, and sometimes even that ponies are dumb! It’s not just the future of the Crystal Empire’s defense in your hooves, but the pride of ponykind! Are you okay with them thinking they are better than us?! That we are an inferior species?!”
Raw, unyielding energy pumped through the guards' veins. “NO!!”
“Then shut those apes up by taking down that Cragadile! Show them the heart we ponies have!”
One thing her guards knew about Cadance, whether as their princess or sergeant, she had never lied to them. As crazy as her claim seemed, they believed her words, so they stood up and faced the Cragadile. Their teeth were gritted and scowls burned over their eyes. They didn’t charge ahead; they walked slowly forward, spears drawn and horns glowing, and surrounded their opponent. Each step of their hooves oozed determination. With their species’ prides on the line, they would not fail. This time, that Cragadile was going down.
High up in his cloud, Discord reached for his bag of popcorn, but grabbed nothing but air. “Darn. I should have brought more popcorn. This is about to get good.”
Maybe picking up on the guards’ new determination, the Cragadile roared in defiance. It spun its tail around, but its targets jumped backward, just clearing the appendage. Unicorns blasted magic beam after magic beam at the beast, while the other ponies rammed their spears at the Cragadile’s scales. The attacks kept having no effect, yet the prideful ponies refused to let up, though they mixed in backing away from the Cragadile’s occasional tail slaps and spins. At the very least, they would win by war of attrition.
“That’s it! Keep going! Everything has a weakness or soft spot! Think about how Cragadile bodies are built!”
Flash Sentry's eyes widened in realization. “That’s it! Everypony, let’s get this thing on its back!”
“We unicorns got you covered! Get ready to pick it up after we give ugly here another dose of light!”
The unicorns flashed a bright, blinding glare, stunning the beast for a second time. Earth ponies and pegasi dashed to a side of the Cragadile and the unicorns grabbed it with their magic. With all their physical and magical strength, they flipped the juggernaut onto its back, then rained out spears and rammed their bodies into its softer underside. Roars of pain followed, then the Cragadile poofed from the battlefield.
Now the guards could cheer to their hearts’ content.
A deafening blare of a whistle cut through the air and into the guards’ eardrums.
“Nice job, slugs, but don’t get carried away!” Cadance scolded while holding a whistle. Where she got it from even I don’t know. ”You still have one last thing to do before your training is complete! You will find out tomorrow, but for now, we will call it a day! Is that clear?!”
“YES, SERGEANT CADANCE!!”
With some small hops in their trots – they didn’t want to get chewed out if the skips were too blatant – the guards followed Cadance back to the Crystal Castle.
‘That was close. I wasn’t sure if they would have believed that absurd lie about us being watched. Who would even want to watch what ponies do anyway? We’re not that interesting.’
Technically speaking, Cadance’s record of never lying to her guards remained perfect. Just because she didn’t have Pinkie Pie’s power to see past the fourth wall didn’t make what she said about many of you any less true.
On the next day, Cadance would provide her guards’ final test. One that would make even the Cragadile look like a warm-up training partner.
The test: defeating Sergeant Cadance herself in combat. Winning against her would be even tougher than what the guards would expect, even considering her immense alicorn magic.
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Using US to light a fire under your guards' flanks? Clever Sergeant, very clever. Also yall ponies are VERY interesting.
Are you also going to do this kind of story with Twilight and Celestia?
11605743
Yeah, Cadance gave herself and Equestrian ponies too little credit
11605756
It kinda happened with Twilight in the last chapter of the story before this one. But having a whole story with a drill sergeant Twilight or drill sergeant Celestia is very doubtful as of now, partly due to how it would be tough to have those stories stand out from this or the first one. It's possible that I might write one sometime down the line if some kind of inspiration ever comes to me and the urge to do it is strong enough,
11605769
Celestia is too much of a weakling to do this. Luna's story showed how much of one she is. Twilight would be awesome though.
I bet they figure out that she's ticklish.
11607482
Hilarious as it would be to see
I wouldn't count on it.