Honorary Crusader

by Aklinstar

Chapter 3: This is Where the Fun Begins

It was packed at the most popular salon on the opposite side of Chaosville. A cacophony of incoherent babblings filled the air as all the Discords milled about minding their own business. Many of them grumbled in the waiting area, waiting impatiently for their turn to be beautified. They wore everything, from business casual to maid attire.

One was fast asleep, with his arm draped to the sides of his chair, not unlike a ragdoll. Drool waterfalled out from his gaping maw, splashing a nearby Discord’s magazine, featuring a peculiar yellow Pegasus with black and pink hair. Scowling, he shoved the magazine into the offending orifice, causing the waterflow to build up. The Discord snorted, or tried to snort, as he was rudely awoken, but the blockage caused him to inhale like a vacuum cleaner. He sputtered and coughed as he fumbled about. None paid him any mind as he started convulsing on the floor.

“You don’t need to breathe, you know, but some points are in order for the theatrics, I suppose,” said one of the nearby Discords in a boorish voice as he finished filing his claws. He was sporting a beret and beige turtleneck sweater.

The enraged—or, rather, deranged—Discord slammed the broken glass door on his way out so hard he caused it to repair itself back to its full pristine glory.

The other Discords in the waiting area exhibited varying levels of interest as they watched through a cloudy window the one who started the commotion, taking off on his tiny moped, driving erratically, cutting off traffic. A peculiar green slime individual wound down their window to shake a green appendage at the perpetrator.

“Now THAT’S drama, bravo!” the beret Discord exclaimed, clapping his hands. Many of the Discords rolled their eyes, others shrugged before turning their attention back to whatever they were doing. The buzz of white noise filled the cheap candle-scented air once more.

The most handsome Discord lounged comfortably in his swivel chair as a stylist dipped his paw into a tub of paraffin wax.

The stylist, continuing his apparent routine, asked, “Don’t you have something important you need to do right about now?” He tapped his chin. “Something about… bringing the bearers of the Elements of Harlotry to Canterwhat or whatever?”

Discord looked at him for the first time since manifesting the place.

“I’ve got that covered! I’ve sent the best draconequus I know to keep me up-to-date on the process of prodding them out of Baloneygrill,” he said, while the stylist struggled with the logistics of fitting the hair dryer over his head. Scowling, he took out a cookie cutter conveniently placed in a nearby drawer to stamp out some room for his horns. Satisfied, he reached around to grab a filer on a table.

“Ahem,” Discord coughed out, pointing to the back of his neck, where most of his mane was still not covered by the dryer. The stylist smiled sheepishly as he reached behind the dryer, yanking the back of it downward to reach the base of Discord’s neck. With a nod of approval, the stylist went back for the filer.

“Besides, Celestia is likely in the know at this point, so I’m sure she’ll frantically send them a letter or whatever,” he exclaimed, waving his claw, annoying the stylist who was trying to work on it.

A choppy voice came to life over a hand-held radio, “Lord of... ...ger of dish... copy? Ov...”

Discord smacked his hand-held radio several times using his still covered in wax paw to do so, much to the further annoyance of the stylist.

“Confounded…” he muttered, banging it on the arm of his chair. The device made a terrible sound in response that fell somewhere in between a squealing pig and a turbulent ocean shore. "I should have accounted for dimensional interference.”

Giving one more smack for good luck, he tried to make contact. “This is the Lord of Chaos speaking. How’s the chaos-filled fun going? Over,” he stated, making a “Bzzz” sound with his mouth as he let go of the button.

“...n’t catch that. Over,” the voice said, still mostly incoherent and greatly frustrating Discord.

“Oh, for goodness’ sake!” He promptly stood up, the hair dryer snapping and coming along with him. He took it off and threw it to the ground, making quite the mess. All the Discords stopped to stare at him.

“Sorry fellas, but I need to cut things short, it seems. Need to make sure everything is coming along smoothly after all~” he said as held his digits together in a grip and batted his eyelashes.

His expression quickly turned sour. He snapped his claw. A small black hole formed on the floor. Small appliances flew in first, causing it to start to grow quickly. Discords screamed as they bumped into each other. The hole unrelentingly started swallowing larger appliances, as well as a few unfortunate nearby Discords.

Discord snapped his claw and disappeared in a flash.

---

It was a beautiful, chaos-filled day. The birds were screaming, the grass was preening. Everything was perfect. The trusted confidant of Discord occupied an outpost on a hill nearby to Ponyville, enjoying the view through his binoculars while munching on a cucumber sandwich. He glanced up as a flash of light quickly pulled him from his thoughts.

“Discord! How wonderful it is for you to–”

His eyes popped out of his sockets as he was flattened by a comically large plastic mallet. Discord discourteously threw him, not unlike a boomerang, into a makeshift gateway.

“Yes, I know I’m wonderful. Yada, yada, yada…” he muttered waving a claw. He was not particularly keen on being sucked up to at the moment, no matter how much his pride swelled up each and every time. Right now, he didn’t have the luxury of time to ensure his plan went accordingly—Discordingly, rather. He snorted as he took the binoculars left behind and checked in on his little project.

He watched as pink clouds raced sporadically throughout the sky above Tortelliniville. A blue blur shot through the end-to-end of his lens. He tried to keep up, but his eyes ended up getting tangled in the workings of the binoculars. He melted them and opted to use his eyes instead. His eyes twisted to zoom in and out. He watched as the Pegasus got gunked up in cotton candy, before being relentlessly drenched in chocolate milk. Discord busted out laughing, falling to the ground. He wiped a tear away, mirth bubbling up.

He kept watching as the ponies in town became frantic. He saw one particular red-maned, beige-coated mare faint as her flowers uprooted and became animate. The flowers, unsure, shrugged before running around her and terrorizing the other citizens.

A home smashed a nearby cabbage cart, much to the dismay of the owner.

The leaves of trees rapidly changed colors, mesmerizing some and causing seizures for others.

A thrown frisbee smacked its recipient and stuck to his coat like glue. He screamed for help as it slowly spread covering his whole body. His friends glanced at each other and slowly backed away before turning around and sprinting.

Balloons formed faces, and started dribbling on the ground, causing foals to cry and the confused vendor to sheepishly shrug at the mother, who promptly slapped him.

Although most didn’t seem to appreciate his work—much to his annoyance, considering all the hard work that had gone into it—Discord saw that there were a few, particularly some foals who were laughing and playing fetch with a cat-and-dog hybrid, much to the cat half’s annoyance as it was dragged by its face as the dog chased the ball around.

Discord didn’t need approval for his actions. He didn’t actually care whether or not his work was cherished. However…

He continued watching as one foal was tackled by the hybrid, being relentlessly licked. They guffawed, flailing their hooves about. Other foals around joined in on the laughter.

…He certainly didn’t mind it.

A light bulb went off above his head, blinding him. He quickly shoved it back into his head.

Hmm, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to pay a little visit to my crusading chaotic confrères, he thought. He had a little time to spare after all, seeing as the bearers were still not alerted by their beloved Princess of his presence quite yet.

Before he left, he snapped a claw. More cotton candy clouds formed. This time they started moving about outside of the town, to bring the fun to the whole neighborhood. Satisfied that he had left his mark and his number would soon be called, he left in a flash.

---

There were only ten minutes left before the train was due to arrive at the station. It wasn’t particularly crowded that day, with reasonable noise levels. A baseline of low murmurs formed the background, with the occasional voice coming through the intercom system to communicate delays, departures, and, hopefully soon, arrivals.

“Sweetie Belle, do you have any notepaper I could use?”

Hopefully very soon.

“For the last time, Scootaloo, no!” she exclaimed, becoming increasingly miffed after being asked the same question five times during the short period they had been at the station.

Apple Bloom was in no better shape, sprawling out, taking up half the bench with her hooves dangling off the side. It was going to be a long ride back home. On top of dealing with Scootaloo for the next few hours, she knew on returning home she’d have more chores, on top of a paper due. She rolled to the side and groaned.

Scootaloo crossed her hooves and wore quite the glower. She’d already known the answer before asking the question. She’d known it the first time. However, she’d really hoped during that time she’d crossed some time-space convergence and arrived in a universe where her friends had some notepaper for her to use. She admitted to herself that she didn’t really think too hard about it. She sighed.

“Sorry… I just really was hoping I could finish that essay now, so I could spend time with Rainbow Dash.” She leaned on the arm of the bench, holding her head with a hoof. “But I guess I’ll just have to wait…”

“Scoots, why don’tcha jus’ ask some of our other classmates if they got any?” Apple Bloom asked, feeling slightly bad for her predicament. Only slightly.

Scootaloo sunk into the bench, sporting a ting of pink on her cheeks.

“Well, uh… I kind of don’t want to right now,” she said, staring at the ceiling.

Sweetie Belle knitted her eyebrows, turned to her, and asked, “Why not?”

“I may be a teensy tiny bit”—she tapped her chin—“not feeling up to it, after what happened at the donut place. Maybe I’ll ask on the train?” She gave a sheepish grin.

Sweetie Belle gave her a small smile, while Apple Bloom shrugged, which she passed off as just trying to get more comfortable on the bench.

“I know Rainbow Dash will show you her trick as soon as she gets back, Scoots.” Sweetie Belle looked over to Apple Bloom and prodded her nose, in response to which she got a sluggish bat from a sloth that missed by seconds. She giggled. Apple Bloom put on her best pout. “Besides! You can always spend time with us in the meantime, I’m sure we can cook up plenty of crusades to do while she’s gone!”

“As long as we don’t actually cook anything. I don’t want another green lasagna incident.” Scootaloo turned green herself at the mere thought.

Apple Bloom half snorted, half hiccupped.

“Ya, an’ whose fault was it for addin’ four cups of cilantro?” Her eyes swiveled up to the sight of a slightly pink marshmallow.

“I already told you guys I thought it was parsley! And I said I was sorry!”

Scootaloo brought a hoof up to Sweetie Belle’s lips. “The recipe called for, like, a quarter cup of the stuff. How’d you manage to not only get that wrong, but use the wrong ingredient, too?”

She brought her other hoof up to her ear, awaiting the inevitable brilliant response she was expecting.

“I, um… mixed that up with the measurements with the cheese? I didn’t really pay as much attention as I should have,” she said as she pulled her hind legs to her chest. She gave the best smile she could, which looked more like a grimace if anything. She looked away from them and rubbed the back of her head as she finished with, “And I… may have gone to a vendor, saw a going-out-of-business sale sign on the stuff, didn’t read beyond that because I thought it was parsley, and bought it.”

Scootaloo burst into a fit of giggles, falling on her back and banging her head on the arm of the bench.

“Ow!” She grimaced while trying to alleviate the pain by rubbing the spot. Apple Bloom just rocked her head side-to-side on the bench.

The intercom came to life: “The train to Ponyville will be arriving shortly. All passengers please ensure you have your tickets ready. If you have yet to purchase a ticket, please come to the nearest booth immediately so we can sort that out for you. Thank you.”

“Alright, my little ponies! Let’s gather around. I need to do a quick hoof count and make sure everyone is here.” Cheerilee brought out a clip board out of her saddlebag before placing it on a nearby bench.

“Twist, would you be a dear and hold this for a moment?”

Twist rushed over.

“Yes, Miss Cheerilee!” she said with a slight lisp, smiling brightly.

A certain lovely duo mouthed “Nerd” from behind her back, giggling.

Cheerilee noticed from the periphery of her vision and gave them a dangerous look that asked, Do you want me to make you do an essay on behavior and proper etiquette too? The two cringed before drooping their ears and looking away.

After doing a headcount, making sure everyone had their water bottles refilled for the ride back home, and ensuring nobody had to use the bathroom, the group headed outside just as the train started to come into view.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle trotted along together, while Scootaloo stayed a little behind, dragging her hooves. Her eyes were furrowed as she was lost in thought. "So... are we gonna talk about the weird barking bird from earlier or..."

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle turned their heads back to her. Apple Bloom opened her mouth to say something, but at that moment Twist bounded up to them with a slight skip in her step.

“What’d you guys think of that huge maze in the garden? I bet you could get lost so easily!” She stood in front of them, perhaps a little too closely, beaming.

“It was, um… neat?” Sweetie Belle said unsure, glancing back at Scootaloo before turning to Apple Bloom seeking validation.

“Ya, it sure was somethin’. Uh… Ah think Ah liked the flowers in the garden more than anythin’, if Ah’m bein’ honest… but the maze was alright.” Apple Bloom gave her a small smile and glanced back at Scootaloo for a moment before asking, “What’d ya think of the Wonderbolts stuff they had at the Royal Museum? Ah thought that General Firefly figure was pretty cool.”

Scootaloo’s ears perked up.

“Oh yeah, that was pretty cool! Especially–” Twist didn’t get a chance to finish that sentence as a bright flash temporarily blinded them all.

“I’mtakingthesebye,” a voice hurriedly stated, as a figure snatched up three fillies before disappearing. It happened so quickly that most didn’t see, still rubbing their eyes from the sudden change in brightness.

Scootaloo sputtered out, “G-guys!?” She ran to the spot they were last standing and frantically turned her head in each and every direction, seeking help.

Cheerilee, who was busy chatting with an old colleague, turned to see half her students in shock and the other half confused. She saw Scootaloo in full panic-mode, and quickly trotted up to her as she glanced around at all her students. She worriedly noted a few missing.

“Scootaloo? What happened to your frie–“

She stumbled back on her rump as another flash occurred, this one was very hard not to notice.

“Ooh, whoopsie!~ I didn’t order this one.” The bizarre figure dropped a dazed Twist to the ground, who quickly scrambled to her hooves and hid behind her teacher.

“Not my fault though, if you really think about it. You ponies all look the same. You should really consider putting that magic to good use and giving each other some shark fins—or perhaps pig snouts? Oh well! Don’t care. I’m taking this one too.” He snatched up a struggling Scootaloo.

“They’ll be back before dinner, probably. Don’t hold up for us. Au revoir!” he cackled, throwing his one unoccupied arm in a flourish. He left in another flash.

The stunned silence was interrupted by a train whistle, followed by, “All aboard!” the conductor yelled. He raised an eyebrow when he noticed that nopony was stepping up. “All ab–”

He was interrupted by a frantic maroon teacher shaking him.

“Some of my students have been foalnapped! Use that whistle around your neck, and alert the Royal Guard, NOW!” She stopped shaking him and started to hyperventilate.

The conductor’s eyes widened and quickly did as he was told. Nearby Pegasus royal guards swooped down to survey the situation.

One with a gruff voice asked, “What’s going on here?”

The other turned to see the teacher looking very jittery as she tried to calm herself. He poked his partner and nodded his head to her.

“Please, help! Some of my students have been foalnapped!” she cried out.

Their eyes widened ever so slightly. Foalnapped, in broad daylight in a crowded area, in Canterlot? They turned to each other for a moment before turning back to her.

She explained everything she knew, which they initially found a little hard to believe. However, after hearing very similar testimonies about a strange mismatched creature from other nearby civilians, as well as most of the young students, they took the situation seriously.

They would need to alert the Princess, now.

Author's Note:

Woo, we're finally going to get some interactions between them! Anyway, still working on the dialogue punctuation, lots of kinks to work out. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed.

Comments

[SeventhBrony]

Yes, yes it DOES start NOW!

[Aklinstar]

11387312
Indeed.