Chapter 1: Summer Afternoon
Discord was almost done. Just one more piece and he’d finally be finished with his Celestia-in-a-bottle! He was in full concentration-mode, sticking his tongue out to the side, eyes narrowed. He was sweating profusely. His griffon claw shook slightly from nervousness and excitement as he carefully picked up the tail with a pair of tweezers and slowly inserted the tail into the bottle. His shaking caused him to hit the bottle a couple times, which caused a small clanking sound.
He pulled out, set the tweezers and tail aside, and took a deep breath trying to calm his nerves.
Come on, Discord, you’ve gotten this far, no room for failure now!
Having calmed slightly, he picked up the tweezers, clasped the tail, and slowly worked his way back into the bottle. Almost reaching his goal, his heart started thumping, and his eyes started shaking back and forth, one falling out of its socket. Keeping his occupied claw steady, he fumbled trying to catch the falling eye with his lion paw. The eye fell to the ground and rolled to a nearby mousehole. A tiny Discord quickly exited the hole, grabbed the eye, and promptly scampered back inside.
Discord sighed, reached down, opened a drawer, and pulled out a replacement eye. He popped it back in and went back to work.
Slowly but surely the tail was reaching its destination, merely centimeters away. Discord’s neck stretched to an unnatural length, with his eyes glued to the top of the bottle as he waited in anticipation for his goal to be complete. Now less than a centimeter away, he had to keep himself in check so as to not mess up this monumental moment!
“Almost there…”
He put the palm of his claw to steady the bottom of the bottle to ensure the perfect placement.
“Just a little more…”
A loud clanking noise on his bulkhead door brought him out of his concentration. It was followed by a muffled, “Captain Discord! Captain Discord!”
The miniature Celestia’s eyes snapped open. She took in her environment. She promptly shrieked and fired a beam at Discord’s claw.
“Ow!” He quickly retracted his now-ignited claw and dunked it into the chocolate fountain to his side. Looking back down at the mini-Celestia, he saw she was channeling a spell.
“Oh hoh! Little feisty, are we?” he asked as he went to snap his claw, which was now covered in a hardened chocolate. A small bead of sweat fell. He turned back to the small Celestia.
"Now, now, hold on, let's not do anything too hasty–" he said, before he quickly smashed his claw on the table. As he went for the snap, Celestia teleported, leaving behind a smoldering tail.
He groaned. "Great! There goes another one..."
He glanced at his mostly empty shelves of Celestias-in-a-bottle. Every year during his drawn-out life sentence as a lawn ornament, he would attempt to complete one. He'd only managed to finish nineteen. Of those, a mere two remained, as at some point seventeen of the completed ones managed to get away. This had always confused Discord, who wondered where in the wide world they could have gone. He shrugged.
Another loud banging sounded at the bulkhead door. Discord snapped his claw. The door turned into cotton candy and exploded outwards, knocking the knocker to the floor. Discord stood from his desk, made his way to the door, and looked down.
“Petty Officer Discord. This had better well be the most important news I’ve heard in a millennium, or you can say gouda-bye-a to joining another Friday night's macaroni craft session!”
The officer Discord quickly rose from the floor, snapped a salute, and said, “Sir! This is very important news, sir!”
“Well? Spit it out! Or are you trying to buy time to come up with an excuse?” Discord said as he summoned a clock for emphasis.
The clock stood at the edge of the door, looking from side to side. A miniature car pulled up beside it. A window rolled down, revealing a very not-familiar face, seeing as he had a very real and not-at-all-fake mustache, a large pink nose, and glassless glasses.
“Hey baby, just clocked out from work. Lookin’ for a good time?” the driver said while flaunting a giant wad of cash, all of which sported the face of a strikingly handsome and familiar chaotic fellow.
Discord snapped his claw, disappearing the objects.
“You ruined a perfectly good Celestia-in-a-bottle you know!”
“Take a look at this.” The petty officer handed him an envelope.
Discord promptly ate it, digesting the information. Discord scowled. “These were plans we’d made years ago! I already know about the chocolate rain and cotton candy clouds!”
“Oopsie! Not-so-organized chaos tends to make finding the right thing difficult at times… Here’s what I meant to give you.” The officer Discord reached into a wormhole and dug around. A conspicuously falsetto scream could be heard.
“Sorry!” the officer exclaimed, swiping his claw against the portal, changing its destination. “No. That’s not it. Uh-uh. Hmm, strange, not here either…”
Captain Discord tapped his goat hoof on the floor impatiently, looking down at his hand-drawn watch that was ticking away.
“Ah hah! Here it is!” He grabbed an envelope out of the pocket and handed it to the Captain. The portal wobbled uncontrollably and collapsed.
Captain Discord snapped his tail, and a tiny Discord on a lawn mower appeared on one end of the envelope. The tiny Discord turned the key. Nothing.
“Hmm, oh! Have to fill it with fuel. One moment.” He floated off the tractor, summoned some fuel and a funnel, and got to work.
Thirty seconds came and went. Captain Discord blinked at him as he waited and realized something. “You don’t need to fill it up that much if you’re only going t–”
A phone started ringing. The tiny Discord fumbled through his overalls.
“Hold on there, fellas, wifey’s callin’.” He picked up with his tail while he used one claw for filling the tank and kept one paw on the steering wheel of the tractor. “Hey hun, in the middle of somethin’ right n– What?”
The Captain started rubbing his eyes with one paw and then slid it down. The petty officer stood awkwardly off to the side, unsure of what to say or do as he nervously glanced between the Captain and the tiny Discord.
“That’s terrific news!” He took his claw off the gas can. It still hovered there pouring as he covered the speaker with his claw. “Lil’ Discord got accepted to Discord Uni!” he hissed out, hardly able to contain his excitement. The gas started to overflow.
“Good for him, now if you would ple–” His head jerked back as the tiny Discord extended out his claw to his face using one digit.
He retracted his claw. “Our baby is growin’ up so fast!” A single tear slid down his cheek. “Well, I tell you what, as soon as I’m done here we ca– Sorry, what was that?”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake!” Captain Discord snatched the phone out of his hand. “Congratulations and all that but nobody cares!” The phone exploded into a mist of confetti.
“Hey!” he yelled—a generous characterization, given his size, as it was more like a high-pitched murmur, but the Captain gave him points for trying. He crossed his arms and turned his head.
“I’m not finishing until I get a new one,” he said as he put on a pouty face.
“Fine! Here!” Discord snapped his claw, a giant sack of coins (from tiny Discord’s perspective) plummeted onto him, sending him, the lawn mower and envelope to the ground.
“Oof! Hey! No need to get testy…” The small Discord lifted himself out from under the coins. He struggled to pull the lawn mower out.
Discord rolled his eyes and snapped his claw. The tiny Discord appeared back on his lawn mower sitting on one side of the envelope. “Chop chop!”
The tiny Discord muttered some curses under his breath and opened the envelope before disappearing.
“You know that was all entirely unnecessary, and you could’ve had the envelope open much sooner?” the officer Discord said.
Discord raised an eyebrow at him.
“Do you even listen to yourself? Now where would the fun be in that!? Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that you’re me,” Discord sighed before taking the letter out of the envelope and looking at it. His eyes glazed over the words, not really registering what he was looking at. That is until he read it a second time. And a third. And a fourth.
“…Is this true?” Discord finally looked up at the officer, completely stunned.
“Come take a look for yourself, sir.” The petty officer sliced open a portal with his tail. They both stepped through it.
Several crewmembers were working tirelessly at their stations, turning knobs, typing in commands, talking on the radio, checking the radar. As soon as they stepped in, all the Discords rose and saluted.
“At-ease, Discords.”
A crewmember ran up to Discord, handing him a large chart. Discord looked at the chart and smiled wickedly.
“It’s happening sooner than I had imagined… Wonderful!” Discord threw the chart into the air, where it floated slowly, ignoring gravity.
“Now, to see it for myself.” Discord pulled down the Discord-shaped periscope by the horns and looked through it. He saw a group of foals standing near his statue. Three fillies seemed to be in a heated argument, but he wasn’t sure what they were saying.
“Sound? Helloooooo? Can I get some sound?”
A crewmember Discord sat at his station fast asleep, snoring, with a bag of a half-eaten cucumber sandwich resting on his lap. One of the nearby crewmembers reached into a portal, pie in paw, and promptly slapped the sleeping Discord in the face with it through the other portal. The now very much wide-awake Discord fumbled for a moment. He took in his surroundings. Seeing the Captain raise an eyebrow at him, he choked as if gasping for air and immediately turned the knobs at his station, whispering a series of apologies.
At first, all that came through was static, until finally he heard “... whAT ARE YOU, A DICTIONARY?”
Discord covered his ears and yelled, “TURN IT DOWN!”
The Radio Operator Discord panicked, but managed to turn down the volume.
With a ringing in his ears, the Captain reached in and grabbed an egg timer that was going off.
“Ah the pot pie is ready.” He turned to his left and pointed at a nearby crewmember. “Go get me that pie!” The crewmember snapped a quick salute before disappearing, then quickly reappeared with a sheepish grin.
Discord sighed.
“The kitchen is five floors down, seventh door to the right.”
The crewmember turned about to head out, then turned back again with a noticeable nervous look.
“Yes, that’s the same floor that The Smooze resides in. As long as the oven doesn’t beep more than eight times, they should still be asleep.”
The crewmember hesitated at first, but realizing the longer he waited, the more likely The Smooze would wake up, he promptly ran like his life depended on it.
Discord turned back to the periscope, looking through it once more.
“It’s not chaos, you dodo!” The white Unicorn filly exclaimed.
“Don’t call me things I don’t know the meaning of! And it is too chaos!”
Suddenly, the room went dark. Several red lights started flashing as sirens went off each time they flashed. A chart from one of the machines started printing, with the needle barely able to keep up, frantically scribbling down data as the chart flew out.
Two crewmembers raced to the chart, looked at it, turned to each other, then called out, “Captain! Chaos is at an all-time high! We haven’t seen it this high in ages!”
The lines were literally flying off the charts, bouncing off the walls. Several Discords ducked for cover, cowering at the onslaught of projectile lines.
Discord smiled, then chuckled.
“Oh, Celestia… How I can’t wait to see the look on your face when you see your precious student and her friends fail. Their, ugh”—his face contorted, swirling in every which direction as he tried to speak—“Friend…li-ship-ness, or whatever”—he waved his claw around—“will be no match for me.”
He snapped his claw, the projectile line stopped in midair, millimeters away from his face, before limply drifting to the floor in a heap.
He looked through the periscope once more and saw the little chaotic trio fighting each other. The blaring sirens grew louder, the lights started flashing faster, and the ship started to tremble. Crewmember Discords starting flailing about. One yelled, “EVERY DISCORD FOR HIMSELF!”
Panic ensued. Charts were knocked off, chairs tumbled over. Some cowered under their workstation; others ran out the room screaming; some prayed; one shrugged and continued to read the new issue of Chaos Weekly magazine.
“Ooh! Turning dirt roads into soap is ‘in’ this season! Love it! Got to remember that one…” He licked his paw and turned the page.
Captain Discord started cackling maniacally as the shaking grew stronger. A bright light started to seep through the ship.
Many of the crewmembers stopped panicking. They formed in a circle, held claws and paws, and started singing:
“Celestia! Celestia! Here we come, Celestia!
Equestria! Equestria! Will soon be ours!”
Discord’s laughter grew louder. The light started to become unbearably bright.
“I’m back, baby! Yeeeeees~! I’m– oh hey, wait, I never did get that pot pi–”
The light consumed everything, and for a moment, there was silence.
A few minutes earlier—five floors down, seven doors to the right—an out-of-breath crewmember Discord promptly shut off the buzzer to the oven, summoned some mitts, and grabbed the pot pie. Setting it down, he looked around. The Smooze was nowhere to be seen. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and collapsed to the ground. He was not cut out for this “physical movement” stuff. He blinked, facepalmed, then sighed, realizing he could have saved himself the effort by simply teleporting here.
Deciding to take a break, he headed over to the fridge to grab some chocolate milk. Opening the fridge, he blinked.
“Huh, someone really likes green jelly…”
A mouth slid into view on the jelly. Discord blinked again. The green jelly smiled deviously at him. The Discord couldn’t react fast enough to scream as The Smooze absorbed him.
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Love the part in the pic where Scoots is about to brain Discord with a bowling ball
Oh yeah, also following this one
11377059
Lol, thanks! Glad you're liking it so far.
The... SS. Friend, ship. Great start and a fun read so far!
11377179
Happy to hear that!