I'll Huff and I'll Puff

by Acologic

Day I

Watching the endless, shapeless clouds bent Celestia’s brain. She felt as though her eyes were swimming in cotton wool. The air was completely agreeable, by which she was pleased – but if one were to press her to submit further positives, she would struggle to oblige.

‘Luna, you didn’t happen to bring anything useful, did you?’

‘Bring anything? Sister, we didn’t come here in the first place!’

‘Well, quite. Hmph. I hoped – well, there it is.’

‘Ah, but look! The free sky! The fresh air! Oh, give a smile, Sister; we’re in a good spot!’

‘Until we starve,’ Celestia reminded her. Luna waved the thought away.

‘Nonsense! A simple dema-rema summoning spell! The food dematerialises in –’ Luna closed her eyes. ‘The Canterlot Larder! I love that place! So, we visualise. And then we rematerialise it – aha!’

Two loaves of egg-spread-topped bread popped into the air and fell into the basket with a merry thud. Celestia beamed at Luna. ‘I can’t even work that spell! Luna, you’re a genius!’

‘How do you think I ate for a thousand years?’ said Luna, laughing. She bit into her bread. ‘Ah, there’s the flavour! Oh, man! The Canterlot Larder, I tell you! You ever eat at the Larder, Sister?’

‘Catch me in there?’ said Celestia scathingly. ‘What do you think? Although – well, it isn’t exactly difficult to make bread. Yes, I’ll admit this is nice. The bread, that is. Not this – this nonsense. Tirek. How has he done it?’

‘You really get dead sure about a lot of things very quickly, Sister. Not the happiest habit in the world, you know. Some would call it narrow-minded.’

‘Huh. Luna, somepony has to get us out of this mess. I start with Tirek. A safe bet.’

‘Wouldn’t Discord be more likely?’ Luna suggested. ‘I mean, the style just screams –’

‘No, no,’ said Celestia irritably. ‘Not a chance. He would be here right now, gloating. No, this is a subtler mind. As much as I hate to credit him, Tirek has –’ She snapped her hooves, searching for the word.

‘Game?’

‘Yes, exactly. He has game. “Remember the blackjack,” he says. All too well, I say again! He wants to make me squirm! And he benefits, of course. Solitary confinement indeed! He must have been dying to see my face again! To play another “game”. Just wait, Luna! I’ll have him! I’ll have him under my hoof!’

‘Oh, Sister, look!’ Luna pointed excitedly. Celestia turned, frowning.

‘What?’ she said.

‘There!’

Below a body of water was visible – enormous, endless like the clouds. As a welcome sight it could not be exactly described, for their location remained as much a mystery as ever. Nevertheless, to have confirmed one’s assumption that the world consisted of more than white cloud was ever-so-slightly reassuring. Celestia certainly felt that way. Then she frowned.

‘It is Tirek!’ she said. ‘It must be! A vast ocean? How else could our T-Kams have signal? Impossible! And why else would they but to visit him? And why do we even have them with us? He must have rigged this. He must have! Well, if he thinks I’m going to play along –’

‘What would you even do about it?’ Luna asked. ‘I mean, if he’s got us here, what can we do?’

‘Well,’ Celestia began, bemused. ‘We could – well, I’ll just have the DAGs force him to cooperate!’

‘And if he’s innocent?’

‘Oh, please! Luna, you don’t like that old fogey, do you?’

Luna raised her hooves defensively. ‘I’m just saying! Seems an awful shame to torment an innocent. And we did have fun testing the tonic. Come on, Sister! You know it’s true!’

‘Hmph. Yes, well, I’ll admit we had our moments. But don’t think I forgot the sickness! Or the revolution!’

‘Well, Cadence has handled it all nice and good. And I know because I can see what ponies think at night! Hey, hold up!’

‘Hm?’

‘How am I going to raise the moon? Can I even enter a dream?’

‘Well, when we go to sleep, you can just try to – well, what is it you even do?’

‘I just –’ Luna shrugged. ‘Just do. Yeah, I guess I’ll find out the hard way. Although –’ She grinned. ‘If I can’t, I won’t pretend I miss the workload. It’s horror week at the Regal. Curse late-night cinema!’

‘But if I can’t lower the sun, you might not have to worry. Who’ll sleep in daylight?’

‘Ponies who haven’t slept in days?’

‘Yes, yes, you’re very funny. I was joking.’

‘Hah. No, you weren’t!’

‘Luna, you – you couldn’t conjure me up a nice tea, could you?’

Luna snorted. ‘A nice tea! A nice tisane, you mean! You wouldn’t know a cuppa if it fell over your mane!’

‘Well, could you?’

‘Sure, sure! Canterlot Larder, though! You’ll have to get used to the taste.’

Celestia sighed, but she was grateful. Soon both were sipping their preferred form of brewed leaves. A nasty thought entered Celestia’s head. ‘Luna,’ she said, ‘you don’t think we’ve snapped?’

‘Snapped? No. And who?’ she added, shrugging. ‘You or me?’

‘Huh. Both?’

‘Who knows?’

Celestia sighed and gently let the steam from her tisane moisten her tired eyes. ‘We’ll try to push Tirek some more tomorrow, then. Try to see what he can tell us. Honestly? I’ve no leads. You’re right, Luna. I’m in the dark. Then again – it has to be him, yes? Who else?’

Luna downed her mug and chuckled. ‘Second-guessing doesn’t help. I like your first idea.’ She shrugged again. ‘And if he can’t help, then who knows? We could be stuck here awhile.’

‘But – but it’s just so boring!’

Luna cackled. ‘And with that very sentence you’ve made it a lot more fun for me!’