I'll Huff and I'll Puff

by Acologic

Day Nil

‘So, you think this is funny, Luna?’

‘Very.’

‘Really?’

‘Yep!’

‘You don’t see this as a problem, hmm? Not an issue whatsoever?’

‘Not whatsoever.’

‘Hmph.’

That they were as high as they were and able to converse so casually was, surely, impressive; take the previous literally. An oddly durable hot-air balloon and a non-existent missing-princesses report marked the start of another peculiar misadventure, one in which the sisters’ powers of deduction would be tested. Celestia, ever sceptical, ever certain, had quickly concluded the business was the doing of – who else? – Tirek. Luna, ever ready to enjoy the buffets of life, was making the most of things.

‘I can’t see so much as a bird through these blasted clouds!’

‘Use your horn! Clear the sky a bit.’

‘And are you going to chip in?’

‘No.’

‘And why is that?’

‘Clouds are nice.’

‘Are they.’

‘They are, Sister, yes.’

‘Luna…’

Celestia did not want to do it. She really did not want to do it. She couldn’t stand the dawning realisation that she had to do it, but – as one would deem common in the case of a dawning realisation – she knew she had to do it. They had, for better or worse, brought their T-Kams, and that meant Tirek was but a plunge away. She hadn’t so much as mentioned him in conversation since the tonic experiment, but Luna wasn’t going to help – not yet, anyway. She sighed.

‘I say it’s Tirek, and I can’t believe I’m suggesting this, but we –’ Celestia closed her eyes and shook her head. ‘We should speak to him – and I’m not happy about it, believe me.’

Luna looked astonished. ‘Sister,’ she began, a smile forming, ‘you actually want to speak to Tirek? After the tonic fiasco? After the revolution? After –?’

‘Yes, I know, I know!’ snapped Celestia. ‘But I say this stupidity is his doing, and it’s high time we found out! I can’t spend another second in this basket! Luna, I am not –’ she said firmly. ‘I am not going to miss the incineration of warehouse fifteen!’

‘What’s the plan?’ asked Luna. ‘Get a DAG to knock it out of him?’

‘If I didn’t know you were joking, I’d agree entirely. In fact, I think it’s a good idea either way.’

‘I was joking! Tirek’s practically our friend now, sister; you can’t treat him like a lab rat anymore!’

‘I am perfectly within my rights as a princess to see administered whatever treatment I deem necessary!’ said Celestia. ‘Now enough! We’re going to speak to Tirek, and if I sense that he is even remotely involved, he’s going to pay! And this time it won’t be pretty! “Tankies” and blackjack… That little insect has enjoyed my indulgence for far too long!’

Regarding the hot-air-balloon situation, the first fact of which one must become aware is that Celestia and Luna were perfectly capable of flying out of the basket and into freedom. The second such fact is that this would benefit them not whatsoever, for the inexplicable quantity of dense cloud rendered even a free, flying alicorn as helpless as a foal in a shopping mall. Though Celestia had not yet attempted to dispel so much as a single wisp, not even she was capable of tackling these numbers – even if she could bring herself to try.

‘Right,’ said Celestia, fumbling for her T-Kam. ‘It’s time. We’re going to nail the rotter; you mark my words, Luna. You mark my words!’

Luna rolled her eyes and plunged into T-Kam. Celestia followed suit.

Tartarus had changed after the fire; rather, Tirek’s new cell was completely untraditional. Picture a retirement home; picture the room into which the staff stuff their charges to watch TV; then picture a bedsit, combine the two, shrink the proportions to meet the needs of but one occupant, and there you have it. The big bad had even managed to procure a dark wallpaper reminiscent of the stone that once constituted his FoodRock. Nostalgia, it seemed, was valued by imprisoned villains too.

‘No,’ he muttered, setting down his book on the stationary DAG’s head and squinting to get a better look at his captors. ‘It – it can’t be!’ He gave a great whoop, then promptly collapsed onto the floor in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

‘Do you think he’s pleased to see us?’ asked Luna, grinning. Celestia wasn’t amused.

‘He'll sober up soon enough, I daresay!’ she said.

‘Do you think you’re tough?’ Luna called, laughing, and Tirek doubled up.

‘Oh, how I’ve missed this!’ he wheezed, gasping for air, tears of mirth streaming down his face. ‘Oh, happy, happy day!’

‘Tirek,’ said Celestia, glowering at him. The horn he’d lost was still on her head, a fact she despised – first, she thought it made her look stupid and, second, it reminded her that she owed Tirek perhaps her life.

‘Aha! Aha, ha!’ Tirek danced. ‘Oh, it’s a lark, you know. It’s a real fun time down here. Well, it will be now! It will be, make no mistake! Now that you’re here! Aha! Aha, ha!’

‘Shut up!’ Celestia hissed. Luna giggled and saluted Tirek, who bowed in return. Celestia signalled the DAG, and it clanked into life. Tirek’s book flew off its head and hit the floor with a rustle of pages. This put a swift stop to Tirek’s merriment. His face fell; he surveyed Celesia with hurt eyes.

‘Oh, come, now,’ he said. ‘Not again. Not another petty power struggle. Can’t we be chill with each other? Treat each other right? Didn’t you enjoy our last escapade? The camaraderie?’

‘I can assure you that I did!’ said Luna. ‘Man! A journey for sure!’

‘And do I sense –’ Tirek’s voice was quivering with anticipation. ‘Do I sense perhaps – the makings of another?’

‘We shall see!’ snarled Celestia before Luna could answer. She marched over to him, remembered that she could not touch him and signalled the DAG, which obliged. Its powerful metal digits lifted Tirek into the air by the scruff of his neck. ‘I’ve had enough, do you hear me, Tirek? Enough! I’ve had it. I’m tired, and I’ve had it. You’ll stop this nonsense right now, or –’

‘You’ll bring back my tonic?’ he suggested, and Luna snorted.

‘Nothing of the sort!’ Celestia grinned nastily. ‘I’m taking an interest in psychological warfare. They say that to repeat incessantly any piece of popular music is to drive insane those who are subjected to it.’

‘So, you want to guinea-pig me again, is that it? Come on, I thought you’d learned!’ Tirek looked nonchalant in spite of his blatantly uncomfortable position.

‘I don’t care anymore!’ Celestia threw at him. ‘I’m sick and tired! Get us out of the sky now, or –’

‘The what? The sky? What’s she on about?’ he asked Luna, who grinned back and signalled the DAG to drop its quarry. ‘Oof! Ah, thanks.’

‘Well, to give you the short version – and I think there is only a short version – we woke up in a hot-air balloon, and we can’t see a thing because of the clouds. And we’re just – floating.’ Luna shrugged. ‘A weird one, eh?’

‘I’ll say!’ Tirek slapped his thigh. ‘Well, that sounds a hoot! How I’d love to be there with you. Ah, the games we’d play – blackjack, remember?’

‘All too well!’ snarled Celestia. ‘And you can shred the paper-thin merry-perry act, Tirek! You don’t fool me! What have you done? Your magic isn’t nearly powerful enough to –’

‘It’s not me,’ he said, shrugging, ‘though I hope you know that I so wish it was.’

‘That I so wish it were, you ignoramus!’ Luna said in Celestia’s voice, and Tirek spluttered with laughter. Celestia ground her teeth.

‘Right,’ she said. ‘Right! We’ll get to the bottom of this, Tirek. I’ll get to the bottom of it, don’t think I won’t! And when I do, and when I get back here – curtains!’

Tirek yawned. ‘Yes, yes. Knives and music and elastic bands. Heard it all before.’

‘Right. Well. Good! Luna? We’re done here!’

As Celestia pulled out of T-Kam, she resigned herself to the disappointing possibility that she would see a lot more of Tirek’s new cell – and that she would likely experience a host of bizarre, even inexplicable instances before unearthing the source of their predicament.

How very right she was.