• Published 12th Aug 2022
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I'll Huff and I'll Puff - Acologic



After their mildly unusual escapade, Celestia and Luna (Celestia, really) want rest and relaxation. They find it in a manner of speaking: once upon a strong snooze later, they float alone above who knows where – and Celestia knows who to blame.

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Day II

Tirek was a happy centaur; of that fact Celestia was painfully aware. Smugness oozed from every pore of his crinkled face. He lounged in his armchair, book in hoof, mug on the table beside him. To wipe the smirk was her prerogative, though exactly how she would – tired and befuddled – she did not know.

‘Ah, Your Highness,’ he aimed at her, leering once she and Luna had plunged into T-Kam. ‘Again I am graced by your most desirable presence. How’s the weather up there?’

‘Pretty decent, actually!’ Luna chipped in. ‘No rain. Cool air. It’s a holiday, really!’

Tirek chuckled. ‘How wonderful! And –’ He grinned again. ‘How are you finding it, Highness? Not too taxing, I hope?’

Celestia scowled. ‘I’m not here to be subjected to your so-called wit. That was the worst night’s sleep I’ve had in centuries!’

‘Aha! So, you managed it, then?’

‘Well,’ said Luna, yawning, ‘we tried. Strangest sleep I’ve had in centuries, no doubt. Dreamless. Dreamless sleep! And not just me – everypony! Not a dream to be had! I mean –’ She grinned. ‘As I told my sister – no complaints! Workload’s off, isn’t it? Hah!’

‘How delightful!’ Tirek closed his eyes and bowed in his chair, his gums showing as he leered. ‘I am so pleased it was to your taste.’

‘If you want to make it any more obvious,’ Celestia hissed, her head aching, ‘that you – you! – are responsible, I only dare you to continue, Tirek.’

‘Oh, come, now! If I were involved in this charming situation, you wouldn’t ask, believe me! My hooves are clean in the matter, entirely clean! You think I like it down here? As sad as it is to say – and no one likes to hear it said less than I – your visits are a highlight!’

‘And that’s my point entirely!’ exclaimed Celestia. ‘You can’t escape Tartarus, so you’ve settled for this!’

‘Sister, I think it’s clear – stalemate. Impasse. How about we make the best of it?’

‘The – what? Luna!’ she spluttered. ‘You – you passive little lounger! I can’t believe it! When are you finally going to take some responsibility?’

Luna appeared to care about Celestia’s frustrations as little as Tirek said he did. Boredom-induced lethargy, however, prevented Celestia from reaching her idea of appropriate anger. Instead she tossed her hooves and shook her head.

‘I’m glad you’re starting to hear sense,’ said Tirek. ‘Make the best of things! I’ve learned how to. Luna knows better than most! Now we teach you this vital skill.’

‘Teach me,’ said Celestia through gritted teeth. Tirek grinned.

‘Well, the first step is simple enough – acceptance. Wouldn’t you agree, Luna?’

‘Nail on the head, old boy! Lighten up, Sister; he’s right! Acceptance – always first. It’s you; you’re here; deal with it.’ Luna raised her brow. ‘Out of interest, Tirek, how long did step one take you?’

Tirek smiled slyly. ‘Many years. Only after Twilight thwarted my breakout did I truly manage it.’

‘Many years?’ Celestia moaned. ‘Many years! Luna, I don’t have many years!’

‘Of course you do! Took me – eighty-seven years? Yep, eighty-seven years. Ah, OK. Yeah, I’m starting to see your point. Eighty-seven years in a hot-air balloon sounds like a long time. It won’t come to that, though.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Master-plan rule.’

‘What?’

‘Master-plan rule, right, Tirek? Villains don’t wait eighty-seven years. They want to brag about how clever they are.’

Tirek took a gulp from his mug and nodded. ‘Quite right!’ He deliberated. ‘Unless time is relatively short for him and relatively enormous for you. Eighty-seven years in sixty seconds, you know?’

‘Oh, so that’s the game, is it?’ Celestia said, glaring at him. Tirek sighed.

‘Revert to my previous point. “Wasn’t me!” And who’d be so elaborate? I’d blast you to a cinder with your own magic! Besides, aren’t you missing the obvious?’

‘What’s that?’ Celestia grunted.

‘Discord? Master of Chaos?’

‘Ahead of you,’ said Luna, grinning. ‘And that’s my theory as well, but she’s so fixated on you she won’t give it the time of –’

‘OK! Maybe it is Discord! Happy?’

I am!’ said Luna and Tirek in unison. They looked at each other and burst into laughter.

‘You’d better teach me step two,’ croaked Celestia, rubbing her eyes. Luna recovered first.

‘Step two is gratitude, Sister! You’re still alive; you’re still whole! You can eat and drink and speak and walk and fly!’

‘Maybe we should fly away,’ said Celestia. ‘Middle of nowhere or not, I’d take that chance.’

‘Gratitude, Sister, gratitude! If you’re wrong, will you rest on the water? You’ve a dry basket in which to sleep. Step two is gratitude!’

‘Yes, and how can I be grateful when I’m still struggling with step one?’

‘No harm in trying!’

‘Hmph.’

‘Step three,’ Tirek interrupted, ‘is inspiration!’

‘Inspi— what?’

‘He’s got it! Inspiration, Sister, inspiration! You must turn the time into positivity. Into art! Did you know that there’s a sculpture of Nightmare Moon on the moon? Made it myself, with my own shed feathers!’

‘And I invented and deployed my own language,’ said Tirek smugly. ‘Carved the lexicon into rock using a spoon. Then you transferred me.’ He sighed. ‘But I still remember. “Hurkel binka wixpo”. Means “I am here”, though “binka” is the infinitive. Dialect, to say it like that. Hah, I even wrote dialect!’

‘So, get inspired, Sister!’ Luna said, attempting to thump her on the back. (Her translucent hoof passed through Celestia’s avatar.) ‘Do poetry! I’ll keep the food and drink coming. Get comfortable. Relax! Imprisonment’s a skill, and we’ll teach you.’

‘I need some air,’ murmured Celestia.

‘You’re breathing the same air, Sister,’ said Luna.

‘It’s psychological, Luna!’ snapped Celestia with some of her old vigour. ‘Steps one, two and three indeed. You villains and your games. I’ve had enough.’

She pulled out of T-Kam, Luna and Tirek grinning at her as she vanished.