Divided on Earth, United with Ponies

by Hereward

The Day of Our Arrival, Part 2

My heart was going a mile a minute as Celestia led us up to the front door of Sugarcube Corner. Curiously enough, when she opened the door she did so with her hoof. And she stepped in I followed first, since I was the one who had the closest understanding of how things worked. The inside was, essentially, normal; the only key features were a few small groups of ponies either staring at the weird alien newcomers or gasping and bowing in the presence of their supreme overlord.

"Why, your highness." A matronly voice greeted before Mrs Cake came cantering up and made a deep bow. "What may we do for you?"

"Well, first off, you could drop the formalities." Celestia chuckled. "Since it's Sunday I've decided to handle the current inter-special relations personally." I cocked my eyebrow at this, wondering why they called it Sunday like we would; still it would explain why Celestia considered it her day-off. As I contemplated this the regal equine gestured towards us.

"Oh." Mrs Cake ejaculated upon seeing us. "Erm, well, nice to meet you, humans." She slowly walked towards us and gingerly held out her right front leg. "I'm Cup Cake and I'd just like to say Welcome to Sugarcube Corner." I seized the initiative while my dad looked confused, I carefully took her offered hoof in my hand and shook it gently but still firmly.

"The pleasure's all mine, Mrs Cake." I replied to her greeting. I released my grip on her hoof once I finished that sentence and she went back to serving Celestia.

"So, what does your majesty request?" I caught sight of the Princess rolling her eyes when Mrs Cake asked this.

"Just a table for three somewhere out of the way, please." She answered. Bowing once again the mature mare led us along to a table that was almost backed into a corner. "Please be seated." Both my dad and I obeyed standard etiquette and waited for Celestia to do so. She sat upon a cushion with her back to the corner of the wall while I sat facing the counter and dad parked himself with his back to the room; our positions effectively formed an equilateral triangle. Mrs Cake remained beside the table, having acquired a notepad en route.

"Is there anything I can get for you, dearies?" She asked, flinching afterwards. "Pardon me, your highness."

"No apologies necessary." She answered. "I'll have a cup of tea, please."

"What kinds of tea do you serve here?" I asked, not wanting to end up with anything overly flavoursome.

"Oh, we've got the typical brown tea," Mrs Cake replied, "And bergamot tea, green tea, peppermint tea and some white tea."

"I'll just have the typical kind of tea, thanks." I decided, hoping it was just like the kind associated with the English breakfast. My dad was rather nonplussed and seemed rather concerned that my behaviour wasn't too varied from the norm.

"I'd like a coffee, please." He finally decided in a hesitant tone. As Mrs Cake trotted into the kitchen I caught sight of Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle sitting at a table as close as possible to us.

"I suppose you're wondering why I've asked you to accompany me here." Celestia stated after a minute of silence between us. I nodded.

"We can still guess, Princess." I added.

"Please, just 'Celestia'." She affirmed. "What guesses have you made?"

"You wish to find out about human civilisation." I answered. "You wish to inform us on what your policy is regarding illegal immigration." She gave me a smile.

"Not far off." She mentioned. "However, in light of the nature of your arrival, I've decided it should be classified as legitimate immigration."

"I'm sure we are most appreciative, your high..." Dad conceded.

"Celestia." I cut him off. She giggled at this.

"I shouldn't get too worried about the formalities." She informed us. "Since you are, technically, immigrants you can get away with dropping the titles more easily than my subjects." In spite of her magnificent aura I couldn't help but deliver a look of bewilderment at this. "My little ponies tend to take the view that formal titles are important when they address me." I sighed and nodded in understanding.

"If I may venture?" I checked, receiving a simple nod as a go-ahead from the divine equine. "Two human residences have already appeared in Equestria, so what do you already know?" There was something in her smile that suggested she was enjoying my style of inquiry.

"Well," She answered, "Humans are bipedal, you're omnivores but have a rather limited scope compared to the typical omnivore, apparently your history has been particularly rough and, for some reason, your architectural sensibilities are jumbled. I'm sorry if I've made an error on the last two but I've only had notes from Twilight and her friends on those fronts."

"I'd guess that the architectural bit was Rarity's opinion." I commented, prompting her to exhibit both amused agreement and cautious curiosity. "I don't blame her, really. Human architecture did go downhill in the past sixty years or so. As to our history being rough? Princess Celestia, to say it was rough is like saying Nightmare Moon wanted the night to be a bit longer. We've had more tragedies, horrors and injustices in our history than you've had years as sole monarch of Equestria." My dad couldn't understand why I made a comparison like that but Celestia looked stunned.

"More than a thousand of each?" She checked.

"At least." I replied. "I was gonna say more than you've had years on the throne, but I don't know how long that would be." She smiled but her eyes seemed sorrowful. Now my dad looked stunned.

"You've been reigning for a thousand years?!?" He was clearly in disbelief, and who could blame him.

"I was the only reigning Princess of Equestria for a thousand years," She answered, "And it's not something I wish to repeat."

"Indeed." I remarked. "I can't really conceive of just what it must've been like."

"No one can." She stated. "They can make vague analogies, but even they can't come close to how it was." For a moment I thought I saw a tear developing in her eye.

"Permission to change the subject, Celestia." I said. The look of sorrow vanished.

"Certainly." She answered.

"May I relay some immediate concerns?" She gave a nod. "If the only information available about humans in Equestria at this time is that we're limited omnivores and are bipeds, how can me mum be properly treated for her nicotine addiction?" She locked eyes with me. Under that gaze I felt safe, secure, relaxed, it was so hypnotic. The only thing that broke me out of it was when a hoof rested on my shoulder.

"All treatments used in our healthcare is compatible with all mammals, and even some non-mammals." She explained. "Nothing will cause undue harm, although trial and error will have to be used to find the best remedies." I bit my lip at this.

"Dad?" I asked. "You got anything to ask about?" He looked very uncertain. Being unfamiliar with this world in any way some of the subtleties were lost on him and my rather uncharacteristic casual attitude to the situation seemed to have been rather unhelpful. Just then the drinks arrived. Mrs Cake brought a proper tea tray up to the table and knocked it off her back and onto the table, I winced in the expectation that something would go wrong. There was an actual mug of black coffee and two matching tea-cups with a large ceramic teapot, a curved milk jug and even a bowl of sugarcubes.

"Will there be anything else, Princess?" She asked.

"Not just now, thank you." She answered. "This'll be most satisfactory." My dad seemed stimulated by this occurrance.

"Your highness," He spoke in a nervous monotone, "What do you use for currency here?"

"Bits." I answered promptly, getting another look of uncertainty from the majestic royal equine.

"One bit is equal in value to twenty shillings," She added, "And one shilling is equal to twelve pennies." My eyebrows shot up at this.

"Pri... Celestia," I declared, "Our home country's monetary system used to work like that! Before decimalisation it was twelve pence to the shilling and twenty shillings to the pound." Now she arched her eyebrows.

"Similar names and exchange rates?" She checked. "Interesting how our societies have had some convergance. Your granddad did provide information regarding the use of pounds and pence where you come from, but said that it was a hundred pence to the pound."

"It is." I answered. There was a pause, which Celestia didn't end because she could see me mulling over as I performed mental arithmatic. "It was changed from the non-decimal model around forty-two years ago."

"Really?" She seemed really interested by this. "It so happens that Equestria had a different system in its earlier history; it was thirty-two annos to a rein and sixteen reins to a bit. Due to the rather cumbersome nature of that system, coupled with the effects of inflation, my sister and I agreed to change it to its current form something like two thousand and thirteen years ago." She floated one of the cups towards her at the same time dad had to put his coffee down upon hearing this.

"Princess!" I cried. "Our standard measuring of years starts from that time." She seemed really intrigued by this.

"And the current year by your standard is...?" She asked.

"Twenty-thirteen." I answered.

"Of what age?" She was clearly looked for extrapolation.

"Err, of the common era, or anno domini depending on how people look at it."

"Year of authority?" She asked; her tone was clearly half-serious and half-facetious.

"Year of our Lord." I corrected. "You see the system of measuring years stems from the most widespread religious belief in the human world; the 'common era' bit stems from needing a convenient way of knowing a point in history or prehistory without any obvious religious connections." Her reaction was rather nonplussed.

"Why?"

"Because the religion in question has been called into question and has had rather a hypocritical history but also has an admirable side. The principle of religious tolerance might have something else to do with it." I felt rather forlorn at this time, going on and on in front of Princess Celestia herself. "What year is it by Equestrian measurements?" I ventured.

"Year three of the Third Age." This answer got a reaction from both my dad and I. I smirked slightly while dad corpsed.

"Good grief!" He groaned. "It's straight out of Tolkien." Celestia looked between us, clearly intrigued.

"What's Tolkien?" She asked.

"One of our home nation's greatest literary figures." I answered. "His works all take place in an alternative idea of how human mythology would make things out to be; indeed he spent his whole writing career trying to perfect the whole concept. Of course he had other jobs in his time, as a professor of English Literature at Oxford University." I was cut-off before I could continue.

"I have been informed that you call your language English," Celestia stated, "Even though it's exactly the same as Equestrian, so far. This University of Oxford, is it a good centre of learning?"

"Is it good?" I was very rhetorical at this time. "It's one of the biggest names in education where humanity's concerned."

"How many universities are there in your world?" Celestia asked with intrigue as she put a dribble of milk into her cup.

"Dunno." I answered. "There's nearly two hundred countries and more cities that you can shake a stick at and it's not just the cities that have universities." Once the milk jug was no longer in flight I picked it up myself and put in a fairly substantial amount before reaching over to give it to my dad.

"One thing I'd like to know... Celestia." My dad ventured once he put the milk back on the tray. "What do you count years from?"

"From a significant historical event, of course." Her answer was accompanied by a grin. "How do you measure yours?"

"Similar origin." I answered. "I think what dad meant was what event happened to yield this result."

"My sister's return." She replied. "The Ages of Equestria have been marked by a change in the country's leadership so far."

"Ah." I comprehended this. "So the First Age started when you became ruler, the Second Age when your sister left and the Third Age when she came back?"

"Close. The New Year has been marked as the first of January since Equestria was founded and I didn't fancy completely revamping the calender."

"So, today's the seventeenth of March?" I checked.

"Exactly. I take it our calender's are particularly similar?"

"Are the years here 365 days long?"

"Precisely. Are your years that long?"

"Not quite." I admitted. "A true year's about 365 and a quarter days, so we usually stick in an extra day for every fourth year." She seemed stunned by this.

"What about your days?" She asked.

"Approximately 24 hours long." I answered. "It's never exact because the wind, tides and so forth either speed up or slow down the Earth."

"Um," Twilight walked up to us as I put in a lump of sugar, "I couldn't help overhear." Both myself and the Princess smiled, knowing it was on purpose. "Did you just insinuate that your world moves?!?" By now my dad was looking really perplexed.

"Miss Sparkle," I replied, "To say the world we come from moves is like saying trees have leaves."

"Twilight," Celestia interjected, "I'm sure you'll get more opportunities to learn about humans, but for now why not just pull up a chair. This isn't a secret meeting you have to study espionage just to get into." The unicorn blushed at this and complied. Dad was staring at some of the things going on, especially since Celestia was now pouring the tea. "Mister Colin Slater, would you care for some tea?"

"It's an honour to receive your offer." I gasped in response, watching the large pot float over my cup.

"How do you do that?" Dad asked, clearly confused by everything that contradicted the accepted laws of nature.

"I might ask you the same question about how you can grasp things with your hands." Twilight stated. "You'd be hard-put finding a unicorn who couldn't do that." Dad looked like he was going to provide a retort when Twilight continued. "Mr Raymond Slater has informed me that magic in the human world is mostly just imaginary and the rest is just illusion, but I can assure you that unicorns and magic are as synonymous as humans and hands might be in your world." Now he looked totally flabergasted. I stirred my tea, causing quite a bit of sloshing that seemed to unnerve Twilight. It was a good thing Rarity didn't seem to be around or she'd have a fit. Once I was satisfied that the sugar was properly dissolved I tapped the spoon as dry as possible before setting it on the tray while I picked up the cup and the saucer, scraping the bottom of the cup on the edge to try and avoid getting any on the table before tipping the spillage in the saucer back into the cup before returning them to their normal orientation. My father seemed to be totally overwhelmed by everything that was going on.

"Please tell me that's not a human custom." Twilight said to me in an anxious tone.

"Nope." I replied. "It's just a habit I've picked up over the years." At this point Mr Cake came up to the table bowing before Celestia as per custom.

"Beg pardon, your majesty." He greeted. "But will you be requiring anything else?" Celestia now glanced between my dad and myself. Taking the hint dad shook his head while I paused and made an exaggerated shrug (palms up with v-shaped arms).

"Please," She addressed me, "Don't hold back. The truth is it's best we stay for a while until your utilities are completely hooked up." I thought for a moment before deciding.

"Well, if it's not too much, could I have some biscuits to go with the tea?" Clearly Mr Cake had to think this over before giving a nod.

"And I'd be happy to partake of your strawberry shortcake." Celestia informed him. It seemed that everything was getting beyond my dad as he appeared to be struggling with the concept of a royal figure who could be both indulgent or opulent and maintain an approval rating typically only enjoyed by populist or oppressive rulers when she was most certainly not inclined towards the latter. "Twilight? Care for anything?"

"Well, since you're asking, Princess." She replied. "I'll have a couple of cupcakes." I immediately starting clapping my hands under the table as quietly as possible, not wanting to look too much like a fool.

Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, always will be friends! I chuntered before squeezing my nose for a second; it's very difficult playing pat-a-cake by yourself.

"So, how much will it be?" Celestia asked, prompting Mr Cake to tremble a bit.

"Oh, please, your highness." He said. "It's o..." She cut him off.

"No. I insist on paying the full price. I get enough of the royal treatment in Canterlot." My dad was no staring incredulously.

"Canterlot?!?" He blurted out.

"Canterlot!" Everypony within earshot answered.

"It's only a model." I muttered with a smirk. There was a slight pause that made me take a glance at Celestia, who was looking a trifle confused. "Cultural joke. Sorry."

"That's okay." She answered. "It's been difficult in the past millennium to find anyone willing to make jokes regarding topics like that." She turned back to Mr Cake.

"Err..." He struggled, "It'll be... three bits, four and six." Immediately three gold coins and one large silver coin floated from Celestia to the square-jawed stallion before he cantered off.

For a while there was silence as we drank, Carrot Cake brought the nibbles and hoofed five small silver coins and a couple of bronze/copper coins over to Celestia. The minute I dunked the first biscuit Twilight bit her lip.

"Is there no etiquette about doing that in your world?!?" She asked. I felt rather embarrassed at this point.

"Probably." I answered. "But I'm one of those who dunks most types of biscuit, alongside the fact that I find social interaction difficult."

"Please," Celestia interrupted, "Let's leave it be. It's unusual but okay; in a way it's rather intriguing." Once again silence fell as we partook of, what I figured was, elevenses. Once I had finished my second cup and all the plates were empty a familiar white mare walked up and bowed to Celestia.

"Princess," She addressed, "Did you wish to learn of our efforts to treat the female human?" This immediately caught both mine and dad's attention.

"Do continue, Miss Redheart." Celestia invited.

"Well," She explained, "It seems that the addiction goes right into the neurological aspect and she's been rather adament that she's got no wish to abstain from this... substance. Right now she's under sedation but Miss Zecora has made a recommendation for a substitute."

"What kind of substitute?" I asked, intrigued that perhaps a compromise could be reached.

"Well, it seems that a mixture of cinnamon, willow bark and poppy seeds will help her get over this disturbing fixation."

"Poppy seeds?!?" I turned to Celestia. "Aren't poppy seeds an opiate?" The Princess gave be a bemused look.

"What's an opiate?" She asked.

"A source of opium." I replied. "A notoriously addictive narcotic."

"Well, in our world poppy seeds do have a calming effect but they are not severely addictive. No more than sesame seeds." She explained.

"From what I can gather," Nurse Redheart continued, "If the mixture is ignited and left to smoulder it should provide a placebo effect for the patient. Miss Zecora says that there's an inhaler she can provide for that purpose."

"Cinnamon should smell better than tobacco, right?" I was directing this question to my dad since nopony knew what tobacco smelled like.

"I'd assume so." He asked, still rather baffled by everything.

"Very good." Celestia beamed. "Carry on, Miss Redheart." The mare bowed and made her exit. Not long afterwards another easily identifiable pony entered and came up to our table.

"Beg pardon, Princess." She stated as she bowed. "But Ah've been asked to deliver ya a message."

"Go ahead, Applejack." She prompted.

"These humans have now got proper plumbin' fer their house." Applejack gestured to my dad and I. "The propane supply should be connected by one thirty."

"You have propane here?" I asked.

"When your grandfather arrived there was some concern that he couldn't do any cooking without a gas supply." Celestia explained. "We solved the issue by using propane, which is one of just two flammable gases available that only produces water vapour and carbon dioxide when it burns."

"Normal gas supplies in the human world use alkanes." I mused out loud. "Methane and propane are particularly common in both cooking and central heating and most alkanes come from the same sources as crude oil."

"Here we get those two gases by dissolving gemstones in hydrochloric acid." Celestia remarked. "This is part of the reason why dragons breathe fire."

"Dragons here too?!?" Dad cried out in shock. There was a pause as we let it sink in.

"Anyway," Celestia continued, "These gases are relatively easy to produce underneath Canterlot, which is why we have so many large rooms because it's easier to heat bigger spaces with gas."

"Well," She added, "In light of the progress with your home and Mrs Slater's rehabilitation I think I can now inform you of what's gonna happen." Three envelopes floated over the table. "Tomorrow the two humans who first arrived in Equestria will be attending their first citizenship meeting in Canterlot; the three of you are requested to attend as well. These are passes allowing you as unfamiliar species to pass through the city and enter the palace for this purpose." Dad took these hesitantly and slowly handed one over to me. "Twilight, in view of the situation I request that you and your friends also attend as they may provide some help in the assimilation of this new sentient species." I held a hand over my mouth to hide the snigger and my mouthing.

You will be assimilated into the herd. Resistance is futile.

---

After Princess Celestia left Twilight asked to escort us back to our home. She excitedly rambled about learning and teaching but staved off actually asking any more questions. Once we were home there was concern about Sunday dinner because my mum tended to be the most involved and because we had lamb chops.

Once back home I immediately went onto the computer for some sense of normalcy, but I periodically came onto Fimfiction.net to start the story of our new lives in Equestria. It felt so ironic that what I was writing actually happened but no one would believe it, unless they were ardent believers in parallel universes.

Mum did get back in time for us to have a relatively late dinner. Her account talked of lying in a hospital bed, dying for a fag when she suddenly found herself looking into a pair of turquoise eyes that seemed to override her addiction for a while. It was quite apparent that her sedation came from looking into Fluttershy's eyes; for sure it couldn't have been The Stare since the effect was sedatary, more likely she just gave mum a big smile.

The rest of the day went by with some sense of normalcy, though I felt rather uncomfortable eating lamb in Equestria. There were many questions unanswered and mum didn't seem too keen on accepting this more passive society but tomorrow would bring new challenges, and for once I wasn't too bothered.

Author's Note:

Sorry about the vague nature of the ending but I set myself the 17th March as the deadline for this chapter, so it was a bit rushed.

Comments

[poli]

Oh boy new chapter awsome can't waite for more.

[Rikkity]

Cliches/tropes that actual good stories tend to avoid that I spotted so far in this story:

1. Bastard Humans
2. Brony in Equestria
3. Instant Acceptances
4. Equestria is a Utopia

FUCKING SERIOUSLY?!

NO REALLY....BASTARD HUMANS?! UTOPIA EQUESTRIA?! I swear I am beginning to lose faith in a lot of stories on fimfiction.

I love how writers like you write stories where humanity is filled with nothing but fucking pure malice and evil along with its history; and turn around and fucking glorify a world which we know next to nothing about! BE REALISTIC! THAT'S LIKE SAYING FUCKING WONDERLAND IS A PARADISE...WHICH IT WASN'T BECAUSE OF THE RED QUEEN!

How do we know that Equestria doesn't have its own social issues, and there aren't wars currently going on in their realm? Why would Equestria have a military if they never have war?! THINK! THINK! THINK!........

Next one:

Seriously....the instant acceptances....no "We don't know if you're entirely dangerous or not so we must take precautions" kind of deal?
No scared ponies? Don't fucking bring up zecora because SHE IS A TYPE OF HORSE! THE ONLY REASON WHY SHE WAS FEARED WAS BECAUSE OF HOW DIFFERENT SHE LOOKED FROM OTHER PONIES!.......Humans aren't animals at all, nor are they ponies! They are creatures that Equestria is NOT FAMILIAR with, and they have never seen them before!

Brony in Equestria.....I don't have a huge problem, but try to be a little more unique...insert fics are way too common and it irks me.

Fucking why are these tropes so over used? The first three that I covered aren't even freaking true in what they are trying to accomplish!

This is why I think UTOPIA EQUESTRIA is not fucking true: Changling attack in season 2; King Sombra returns to reclaim the crystal empire; Nightmare Moon tries to permanently darken Equestria; Discord; the prejudices shown toward Zecora in "Bridle Gossip."

So yeah....OOPS!

Also, the whole "Equestria is a Utopia" thing is something along the lines of ignorance because of how untrue it is.

My apologies for blowing up here, but seriously...AVOID THOSE TROPES/CLICHES!

[Rikkity]

WOW! You got whole bit where "dragons eat gemstones which allows them to breath fire" HOLY FUCK! DRAGONS HAVE AN INTERNAL MAGIC SUPPLY THAT ALLOWS THEM TO DO THIS!

Also! Dragons are BORN with the ability to breath fire anyway because of their organ system! They've always been able to breath fire! Holy crap..........I've never seen a story get so much wrong!