The Feast Guild
Go to Adventure Ville, she said. It’ll be fun, she said.
Wind billowed in Twilight’s face as she waved her staff, channelling and amplifying her magical energy to control her sky-carriage and land just outside the town’s apple farm.
Everyone romanticized the town’s rustic charm, called the place so clever and pretty for its simplicity. Whatever. Maybe if Dawnstead’s gentry smelled the manure out in the field, they wouldn’t think so.
“Well howdy!” cried the woman outside the farm’s main barn, waving as Twilight walked onto the farm proper.
Twilight lifted her robes and stepped carefully around warm muddy puddles. Where had the water even come from, she wondered. It was the middle of summer. Her shoes, try as she might to keep them clean, were meant for city walking, and dug too deep into the dirt path, quickly becoming dirty.
Six years of personal tutelage from the Sun Queen in magic, history, governance, and literature, all so she could traipse about in the mud running guild errands. Her Highness had a sense of humour, after all. Perhaps this was just one big joke as well.
The woman ahead of her was a thick-armed blonde, her skin a kind of reddish tan from long days in the sun. She hefted three sacks of feed, probably as heavy as Twilight was, over her shoulder and tossed them into the barn before firmly shaking hands. Twilight’s lithe fingers felt as if they had been crushed in the process.
“You must be that inspector we heard so much about. New of y’all caused quite a stir, ain’t every year we get the Summer Sun Festival right here in our very own Ponyville.”
“Right, let’s get to that in a moment.” Twilight tip-toed around the mud-splattered farm girl, settling down on a picnic table outside. “The festival is a very large ordeal, I’m just here to ratify a charter for a new guild that’s going to be serving dinner to the Sun Queen. You are the co-chairwoman of the guild, yes?”
“Shucks, you’re here for that?” the woman flustered. “Well, I suppose I am. Name’s Applejack, pleasure to make your acquaintance. Now, I reckon I filled out the paperwork for the guild, ‘least that’s what our secretary said. There ain’t a problem, is there?”
“Just one,” Twilight said, drawing a circle in the air with her staff and conjuring a scroll on the table. She unfurled it and began reading. “For tax and insurance purposes, I need to clarify what services your guild will be offering. You applied for injury compensation like a mercenary guild but also sent in a permit to prepare and sell food in all public markets. The purposes of your guild are, frankly, a little foggy.”
“Aw, well that ain’t no problem. Lemme just settle you in with a little breakfast and we’ll clear it right up.”
“N-no, that won’t be necessary,” Twilight said, quickly standing up as if prepared to make her escape. “I’m not hungry.”
“Nonsense, a skinny little thing like you? They must be starving y’all up there in Dawnstead.” Applejack swung her hips into Twilight’s, knocking her back into her seat. With frightening speed and dexterity, the blonde moved a lot quicker than one would expect for a woman of her size. She laid out plates, napkins, and a set of cutlery for Twilight, before plopping a steaming omelette on the table.
“Now, we ain’t talking no more about this ‘till you get a bite of Applejack’s famous omelette.”
Twilight opened her mouth, struggling to find the words to protest, but she decided instead to play along. It seemed easier, anyway, and the omelette did smell good to eat.
“I’m the Queen’s apprentice, and I have eaten as well as any in her court,” Twilight said after a few bites, “but I’ll admit, this is pretty good. I’ve never tasted eggs quite like this. But we’re getting off-track, what does this have to do with your guild?”
“Everything, sugarcube,” Applejack smiled, “y’see, that omelette right there’s a perfect example of what we’re after. It ain’t made from any regular eggs, those’re harpy eggs.”
“Pardon? I’ve never met a harpy that’ll let a human get within arm’s reach. Their species are incredibly flighty and territorial.”
“That so? Well, I don’t know about that, but my friend Rainbow Dash is a harpy. Part of the guild too.”
“Your friend? Don’t tell me, the omelette isn’t, well, hers is it? Why harpy eggs?”
“We call ourselves the Knights of the Feast Table, don’t we? We’re questing adventurers looking to hunt and gather ingredients from the most exotic plants and monsters in the world. Well, in the Everfree for starters. Ever had a manticore steak?”
Twilight shook her head slowly, half her mind was still addled from the thought of eating someone’s, even a harpy’s, eggs.
“Well, I haven’t either. Reckon no one has. And that’s what going to get our guild the attention we need. That there omelette’s already the best in town, and what with harpies only laying once a month, we’ve got bidders lined up. That’s how a couple of country bumkins like me can afford good adventuring gear.”
“Well,” Twilight said, drawing a sharp breath as she took in the news, reading over the guild charter scroll. She drew a circle in the air with her staff again, creating a miniature portal, and tossed the scroll back through. “That explains the contradictions on your registration. I suppose your guild is in order, save for one last thing. Hybrid guilds are pretty rare, so most people forget to fill this out, but it shouldn’t take too long.”
Twilight summoned a different sheet of paper this time, reading “Hybrid Guild Registration” at the top, along with an inked quill. “Please have this signed by you and your co-founder, and then let your secretary ratify it and fill out the rest of the details.”
Applejack took the quill and scratched out her name on the parchment. “Alrighty, but I’ve got work to do getting all the food ready for the festival, not to mention the feast for the Queen. I ain’t got time to go around town getting signatures. Why don’t you do it?”
Twilight blinked. “Excuse me? I’m a member of the Queen’s court, not a messenger. Doing your errands isn’t on my docket.”
“So, you don’t want the food ready for the festival? Cause I ain’t gonna be able to do both.”
“No, I just—”
“Plus you got that fancy flying carriage there, I figure it ain’t too hard to go ‘round town. But, if you ain’t up for it, I suppose I can drop everything just ‘cause you don’t want to do your job.”
“I told you it’s not my job!” Twilight growled, thumping her staff on the dirt. She seethed, letting out a long, groaning sigh. “Give me the damn paper.” She snatched the page out of Applejack’s hands.
“You know the way?”
“Course I do,” Twilight barked, returning to her carriage. “You put your home addresses on your guild registration.”
Twilight scanned the ground beneath her sky-carriage, following the roads as if following an ant trail to find the colony. For summer, Adventure Ville had an oddly dense cover of clouds, forcing her to fly lower than she would have preferred. The occasional songbird fluttered by her, all of them usually avoiding the carriage.
All of them, save for a single loud thud against the bottom of her carriage.
“Ow! Watch it!”
Twilight pulled her staff back, halting her carriage in the air. What now? She looked behind to see what it was she had hit. Resting on top of a large oak tree in the middle of town was a blue-haired harpy with long, rainbow coloured feathers protruding from her arms.
“You’re telling me to watch out? I have a flying carriage! How did you not see me?”
“Well, obviously I was flying backwards,” the harpy hissed, “a good adventurer has to be ready to fight and fly in any direction. What are you doing anyway, flying something like that in Adventure Ville?”
“I’m an emissary of Her Majesty the Sun Queen,” Twilight answered, “and if I had to guess, you must be Rainbow Dash, a member of the Knights of the Feast Table.”
“Oh no,” Rainbow groaned, “I didn’t join AJ’s guild for sick, twisted people to keep asking me to lay another egg.” She pointed an accusing finger at Twilight. “You stay away, alright?”
The harpy rose to her feet and began flapping, but winced and took a tumble off the side of the tree, seemingly bumping into every branch on the way down. Twilight snickered, lowered her carriage to the ground to check on her.
“Some knight you’ll turn out to be.” She waved her staff and summoned a few cloth bandages for Rainbow’s cuts. “You can relax. I’m not here to ask about eggs. There’s one more form the guild needs before it can be fully ratified, and I’m supposed to make sure it happens.”
“Wait, seriously?” The harpy’s eyes suddenly gleamed. “I thought Applejack was just pulling my leg, but you’re saying we can actually be an adventuring guild? We get to fight monsters and loot hoards of treasure?”
“If you can find any. Though, why’d you join the guild if you weren’t even sure it’d get ratified?”
“Well, I don’t know what it’s like over in Queeny-land or wherever you’re from, but there aren’t a lot of harpies in Adventure Ville. When I came here, the hunting guild thought I was a wild animal, wanted to turn me into a stuffed head over their fireplace. The bard’s guild wanted to make me wear a dress and dance around like a freakshow. And the zoology guild wasn’t much better, they wanted me in a cage so they could tour the world and teach everyone about harpy anatomy. Applejack’s the only one who gave me a real chance.”
“Why even come here? Your kind stays away from human cities. And, well, you clearly already know why.”
“You’re a wizard or something, right?” Rainbow asked.
“One of the best,” Twilight answered bluntly.
Rainbow snorted a short laugh. “And AJ called me overconfident. Well, you know harpies have hollow bones?”
“Just like birds,” Twilight nodded.
“Well, mine happen to be extra hollow. I’m lighter and faster for it, but I usually hurt myself when I go too fast. Once I fractured my arm just by flying at my top speed into a strong gust of wind. The others in the Veil called me Rainbow Crash, even though I could fly circles around them whenever I wasn’t recovering.”
“As above, so below,” Twilight mused. “Sounds like you don’t belong anywhere. But, such is the life of an adventurer.” She finished wrapping the bandages around Rainbow’s legs and arms and helped her to her feet.
Looking at the harpy up close, she realised just how small she was. Twilight had always been a little taller than the other girls at the Wizards’ Guild, but not by much. Still, Rainbow Dash was nearly two heads shorter than her, and a great deal skinner too. Her feathered legs and arms hid their true size, which she imagined was mostly skin and bone beneath all that fluff.
At least, that was how the rest of her body looked. With nothing more than a tight linen wrap around her chest, Rainbow’s ribs and waist were nearly paper-thin. Light and nimble to fly with, but Twilight didn’t doubt she came across more than her fair share of injuries with a body as small as hers.
“What?” Rainbow caught her staring.
“Nothing. I was just imagining how someone like you would fight a manticore. You might not like letting clothes drag you down when you’re flying, but if you plan on fighting any monsters, at least get a gambeson.”
“Right, I’ve been saving up for some armour, actually. But, obviously, everything has to be custom made for my size, so the Armourer’s Guild charges more for it.”
Twilight raised a brow. “Saving up? You mean the money Applejack pays for your, um, you know.”
Rainbow’s face turned cherry red almost immediately. “I knew it! She totally made you an omelette, didn’t she? Argh! That’s so gross, I can’t even look at you right now. Just go!”
Twilight laughed as the harpy covered her face and started to escape with her kind’s awkward running gait. “Hey, if it’s any consolation,” she called out, “they tasted pretty good.”
“And there, all signed.”
At the very least, the other co-founder’s home didn’t smell of manure. A former member of the druid guild, this “Fluttershy” had listed a small cottage in the woods outside of Adventure Ville as her residence. Of course, that meant there was nowhere to place her carriage.
Twilight’s legs were scraped from roots and fallen tree branches, her hair tangled with vines and leaves, and the bottom of her robes was torn up.
“I’m super sorry for all of this, I had no idea we had to fill out paperwork as a hybrid guild.”
“Most don’t, it’s no trouble,” Twilight said, brushing a cricket from her hair.
“Would you like to take a bath? There’s a creek behind my cottage, and I have some spare dresses if you’d like.”
Twilight looked over Fluttershy’s own clothing. Her thick woven moss concealed much, but they couldn’t hide the spiral horns protruding from her head, or the unmistakable hoof prints on the ground. Satyrs enjoyed the feeling of nature around them, but Twilight wasn’t ready to put up with a scratchy moss dress.
“No, thank you,” she forced a smile. “You needn’t worry a single pink hair on your head. I just need to find this secretary of yours and we’ll be done with this whole ordeal.”
“Oh, um, okay,” Fluttershy murmured. “Will I see you at the festival?”
“I’m a busy wizard, Fluttershy,” Twilight said, “so probably not.”
“Oh, but surely you’ll be at our guild’s presentation of the feast. You’ve done so much to help us.”
“Applejack already gave me a sample, and after talking to a certain harpy about it, I’m not as interested, thank you.”
“Okay, but if you’re going to see Rarity, I think you should—”
“I’m well aware of the festival schedule,” Twilight said. “Miss Rarity will be preparing the tapestries at the town hall.” She grabbed her staff and gave it a spin, commanding the cottage door to open and walking back down the narrow, branch-ridden path to her sky-carriage.
At last, she came to the government building of Adventure Ville. Here, where guilds submitted their papers and signed on new apprentices, was the only place Twilight felt like she was in the presence of the Sun Queen’s authority once again. The town hall was covered with white stucco and gold trim, its doors and shutters were given the royal purple colour.
“Shouldn’t be too hard to find this Rarity, just look for the banners,” Twilight said to herself. Though, she quickly realised she should have kept her mouth shut.
The royal banners for every Summer Sun Festival were supposed to be full-moon white, with the Queen’s coat of arms displayed proudly in the middle around a fiery gold ring. What Twilight found before her were glistening purple and blue gemstones woven into stringy silk curtains.
“My, what have we here?” a voice came from the rafters above. “What tattered robes you’re wearing. Have you come to request my services, on this day of all days?”
Twilight lifted her staff, channelling magic through it to create a light above her head. Among the wooden beams supporting the town hall’s domed ceiling, eight skittering legs darted across the shadows cast by the light.
The arachnaed, a chimeric monster with the upper torso of a human supported by the lower body of a massive spider, dropped down across the town hall and rushed towards Twilight.
“Oh, and your hair!” she shrieked. “I should bind you up and give you a full treatment at once.”
“Try it and you’ll be walking with two legs like everyone else.” Twilight snarled, spinning her staff and producing a ball of clay from her portal. “Petra animus.” At her command, the clay formed into a spiked-back hound, eyes glowing with magic and its bristles hardening into stone spikes.
“Hmph, no need to be so testy,” the arachnaed backed away, smoothing over her hair. “My name’s Rarity. I assume you’re here to fix whatever problem’s going on with whatever this mess is.”
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “You are Rarity? And I thought Rainbow Dash was an odd one.”
“Oh, you’ve met Dashie. She hasn’t laid any eggs recently, has she?”
“I’m not going to give that question the benefit of an answer.” Twilight sent her construct back through her portal. “I’m here on guild business as a representative of Her Majesty the Sun Queen. You need to fill out some details before your guild can be fully ratified.”
She handed her the signed paper.
Rarity squinted, holding the page up to her numerous spider-like eyes. “Hybrid guild? I hadn’t the foggiest idea we needed to sign this.”
“Yes, well, luckily for you it’s a simple fix. And luckily for me, this is my last stop. Fill it out and submit it to the guild registrar. You’re already in the town hall. Oh, and once you’re done with that, you might want to get the proper banners for the festival.”
“Oh, well thank you—hold on, whatever is the matter with my banners? I fashioned them from my own silk.”
“They’re not the royal banners,” Twilight answered.
“Yes, well, those old things haven’t been changed since the festival’s inception. Which was a millennium ago, I might add. I felt it was time for a bit of a revolution.”
“No, the Summer Sun Festival is a tradition. We’re celebrating the Sun Queen’s infinite grace and power. She is immortal, she doesn’t change. And neither does her banner.”
Rarity bit her lip as if holding back tears, an odd expression considering arachnaeds didn’t possess tear ducts, and turned around. “I am terribly sorry to hear that, but unfortunately it’s too late. Spider silk is incredibly hard to remove and I have covered the town hall with a lot of it. So you’ll just have to take your criticism elsewhere.”
“Sure,” Twilight rolled her eyes, “have fun being incinerated by the Sun Queen.”
“I beg your pardon?”
But Twilight was already out the door and on her sky-carriage.
Twilight spent the remainder of her day summoning and returning items from her library in Dawnstead. She retreated to the privacy of the clouds, which had curiously grown thicker throughout the day, she dressed herself in fresh robes and combed out her hair.
By nightfall, the festival had begun, in its own small-town fashion, with carnival games like wrestling contests and races occupying the minds of the village folk. With little else to do, and still technically tasked to oversee the festival’s affairs, Twilight decided to walk the streets and observe.
Each guild, from the Baking Guild to the Smith’s Guild, had prepared their tents with displays of their best products and services. The Wizards’ Guild of Adventure Ville performed what passed as “magic” to the masses, conjuring cheap tricks like levitating objects and trinkets enchanted to glow.
“Well howdy, fancy seeing you here.”
Twilight closed her eyes, hoping to the Sun Queen that voice was not who she thought it was. Her hopes were dashed as she turned around, finding Applejack with Rainbow Dash clutched in her arm.
Their size difference couldn’t be starker. Applejack, being the giant of a woman she was, could almost wrap her hands around the harpy’s thin waist. Grabbing a hold of Rainbow’s arm and dragging her around was hardly a chore. Twilight had seen infants put up more of a fight against their parents.
“What’s this? You finally taking her to the butcher for your next recipe?”
Rainbow Dash squirmed in Applejack’s arms. “I wish. She’s putting me up for auction!”
“I ain’t,” Applejack replied. “I’m putting your next batch of eggs up for auction. But folk gotta see you first, know you’re in good condition.”
“Twilight, you gotta help me, this has to be against some kind of law.”
“Maybe, but your guild should be ratified by now, and you’re a member. Technically, you knew what you were getting into.”
“What if I change my mind? I don’t want people haggling over my eggs. It’s too weird! I’ll do anything, just work your magic and save me!”
“Aw, you’re just shy,” Applejack laughed. “Don’t worry about us, Twilight, you go on and enjoy your night.”
“No! For the love of the Sun Queen, let me go! I hate you Applejack!”
Twilight watched them trail off towards a small tent between the Baker’s Guild and the Tamer’s Guild, where she noticed a giant birdcage had been prepared. It was probably for the best if she didn’t think too hard about it, she decided. It was going to be a long night of celebration, with plenty of eating and drinking. Now was not the time to be burdened by whatever madness compelled the Feast Guild.
Come dawn, when the Sun Queen was due to make her appearance, the festival would be over and Twilight could finally return to her studies.
Hours passed in a dizzy blur. Eager to forget about her day, Twilight found herself in a drinking contest with lightweights of both the Wizards’ Guild and Magicians’ Guild. A lightweight herself, her only advantage was that not a single country bumpkin seemed to know a focusing spell to sharpen the mind even as their bellies filled with wine and ale.
So when the clouds above the town started to swirl, and lightning formed at the edges of the sudden storm, Twilight was certain her eyes weren’t deceiving her.
A shadow formed in the centre of the storm, growing and stretching, gradually reaching out the tip of the town hall. At the zenith of the building appeared a woman, though Twilight still had enough sense about her to feel the magic radiating from her, even from across the street.
It was no woman, but a demon.
“Behold!” boomed its voice, speaking through the thunder of the storm rather than its own mouth, “Your beautiful and terrible Night Queen has arrived! Even with this pathetic celebration to my sister, the fated solar eclipse is at hand. You are all nought but insignificant maggots before my infinite darkness, and my apotheosis is inevitable. Now, worship my omnipotence!”
“Excuse me?” A squeaky shrill voice cut through the thunder, stunning and halting the announcement. “Who are you?”
Twilight followed the demon’s eyes, finding a pink, curly-haired brownie, a kind of house sprite, at the end of it.
The demon snarled. “What? Have you any idea who I am?”
“No. That’s why I asked, silly. My name’s Pinkie Pie, and I think you have the wrong location. We’re not celebrating your sister, we’re celebrating the Sun Queen. You see, I put a lot of work into making this happen, so you better not ruin a good party!”
“Oh, I see. You’re all imbeciles. In that case, none of you minds if I go to my place of power, to recover from my journey from the moon?”
“As long as you don’t break anything on the way,” Pinkie Pie said.
“Very well then.” The demon spread her black leathery wings, stretching so wide they could have wrapped around the dome of the town hall, and gave a single hard flap, scattering tablecloths and tent flaps all across the town’s roads.
Twilight grabbed her staff, immediately conjuring her clay construct again. That was a night demon, and a powerful one too. Whatever she meant by a solar eclipse and infinite darkness, though Twilight couldn’t be sure how literal she was, could not be anything but trouble. Luckily, for as strange and backward the town was, Adventure Ville had more than its fair share of mercenaries and adventurers.
“Twilight! Did you see that?” Applejack came running from her guild’s tent.
“It was a night demon, sworn enemies of our Queen, and a powerful one at that. There’s no time to explain, we have to organize a raiding party and track down where its place of power might be.”
“Forget about that!” Applejack gasped, breathless with excitement as she pulled a parchment from her shoulder pouch. “This was my Ma’s recipe for roasted demon ribs! We gotta get it before the other adventurers!”
“W-we?”
“Fluttershy and Rarity are on the way already,” Applejack nodded, and then pulled Rainbow Dash off her back. The harpy had curled up into a quivering ball.
“So many stares,” she shuddered. “So much judgment. Over eggs.”
“Is she alright?”
Applejack shrugged. “She’ll walk it off. But we gotta hurry! I reckon that demon’s headed for the old castle in the Everfree Forest. Come on, if we leave now we’ll probably be the first to catch it.”
“Hold on,” Twilight snapped, sliding her narrow arm out of Applejack’s eager grasp. “Are you really going to eat the demon’s ribs?”
“Pfft, what? Of course not,” Applejack laughed. “I’m gonna sell the ribs. Now those thighs though, mmh. I’ve got some ideas for those honking haunches, I’ll tell ya that. Now let’s get moving!”
“I can’t believe it,” Twilight muttered to herself. “They’re going to get themselves killed.” She would have been fine with that possibility, if not for the fact that the night demon would most likely drain their dreams and fears to grow even stronger.
“Whatever,” she relented. “When in Adventure Ville, I suppose.” And then she chased after Applejack.
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Is this inspired by Toriko?
11128534
No, I have no idea what that is. I got this idea from misreading a Youtube thumbnail. I don't even remember what the video was I was just scrolling through it and the thought invaded my brain.
This is a beautiful crack-fic idea.
Very solid start, good work.
In a side note:
AJ! You always read before signing a document! Specially in a setting were magic, and apparently the Fae are real!
11128570
Are you serious???!!! This fimfiction is eerily similar, and is coincidencely has the same setting, tone, and storyline from the Toriko Anime/Manga.
Heck, I didn't even read/watch the show in the first place, but I still know what it is, and what is it about.
In short terms, the anime/manga has basically the same premise of "hunting down rare giant monsters, and use their 'parts' for delicious ingredients, dishes, and food".
11128877
Well, when you hunt monsters, there are only so many things you can do with the body.
11129273
That is quite disturbing, when you say it like that.
11128877
I've never even heard of this anime you think is supposedly popular
Well, this seems deliciously demented. Excluding Spike is a curious choice, but at least Applejack won’t try to eat him. I’ll keep an eye on this. Definitely one of the more novel twists on Twilight helping with the Summer Sun Celebration.
11132145
Well...
11132214
And when I see the summoned elemental take Twilight's letters or do his best to maintain her sanity, I'll accept the substitution.
11128877
What about Delicious In Dungeon?
11139635
Never heard of it, until you told me.