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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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...A what, now?
11422048
Griff! Short for griffon, or in this case hippogriff!
In all seriousness though, I did remove that part of the description though. I decided it puts forward a lot of information that I kind of built to in the story itself, and didn't wanna spoil that.
Now that I'm all caught up on this.
So first off I think your greatest strength in this story is characterization, Aella in particular is very compelling as a character (And I'm sure the fact that I'm also a neurodivergent trans girl with a complex relationship with alcohol and a less than happy home life as a child has nothing to do with why I find her compelling /s) but so far the entire cast has been well written and distinctive.
Plotbuster brought up points that having so much trauma in a character's backstory can tip the scale from sympathetic to misery porn but I think you've kept it pretty well on the sympathy side of it (see again why I find her so compelling) but they are right in that it sets up a lot of plot points that people will expect a payoff from. Though I suspect you'll pull that off quite well
As my friend TheWanderingZebra has said, your early chapters do suffer from inconsistent pacing as well as what is, in my own opinion, an over reliance on references to other FoE fics, especially ones that seem a little forced while having no clear place in the story. but your pacing does definitely improve as the story goes on. though the perspective shifts definitely threw me for a loop, especially Scarlet and Free's side adventure where they meet Sky intersperced with Aella's fever dreams.
Overall I'd say you had a rocky start but are settling into a good thing here and I look forward to the next chapter.
11474020
I do see the issue with the perspective changes being kinda confusing, and I'll likely remove most of them entirely. But I do love the chapter with Scarlet and Free. I loved being able to explore their characters and have them bond a bit on their own. I have no idea how I could frame it to be easier to read at this point, but I have time to think about it. I'll brainstorm as I go through editing older chapters and trying to write new ones for things I can adjust. I appreciate the feedback ^^
11327449
The feedback is super helpful and appreciated. I fully admit I was to anxious and overwhelmed with other things when you left it to respond and properly make use of it, so I am sorry about that.
I'm working on fixing up my older chapters to fit the style and quality I've found myself able to do for the later ones, so naturally feedback in possible ways to improve them are invaluable.
11303120
I didn't reply to your feedback either, and I really should have. It have me a lot to think about, combined with the style of another fic I've been reading, made me realize I need to try and balance the emotional chaos as I go through the story. So light hearted scenes and chapters are a lot more important then I originally thought, and something I'm very excited to include.
a big part of including the ableism in Aellas backstory is actually as much for character as it is for plot element. As the story develops it takes on some of those themes, and has Aella fight against them. So I wanted to include it a bit through the earlier story so it didn't come out of nowhere. [Spoiler/]
11474150
It's always fun to give the secondary characters their moment in the sun, and like I said before your characterization is one of your greatest strengths so getting more of it in there with Scarlet and Free does a lot for the story. Just the way it's done becomes confusing.
Perspective shifts can add a lot of power to a story in a lot of ways but they're a tricky tool to get right. The best suggestion I can give on it, and this is what I've done in my own writing, is to give the characters a chapter of their own and stick with them for that chapter.
11474153
That's fair. I've also been juggling with my own anxieties and other stuff that's kept me occupied from reading more of EH (as well as getting my own writing done).
How many of the early chapters are you planning on rewriting? And if you want, I could give them a pre-read.
11474910
I'm not even sure, honestly. I've done a decent amount of work editing through chapter one. Mostly small changes.
Originally my plan was to comb through one chapter at a time to make adjustments for grammar, clarity, and expand on some of the descriptions, but it turned into more changes then I expected. I haven't been able to get even close to the pace for writing or editing as I could when I started the project, which hasn't helped with the speed either.
It's a work in progress, much like my characters and myself xD
11479234
I feel like grammar and small edits for chapter 1 aren't too nessisary. Really, the big issue from my perspective (and my memory of that chapter, so I could be wrong) stemed from how much exposition is dumped about Aella's home, only to do a sudden gear shift in the later half and more or less made all that exposition rather pointless.
Exposition is admittably tricky since the audience needs to have some context for the setting, but having too much of it and for stuff that won't be relevant again can cause an audience to more or less just skim thru it all just to get back to the plot advancing.
My general rule of thumb when it comes to exposition is to only exposit stuff that is relevant for the story now, and to try and be as brief about it as possible so that the pacing won't get bogged down.
I hope that advice was helpful. And like I said before, if you're looking for pre-reading on those rewrites I can give them a look and provide feedback, if that's okay with you.
Washout would be fangirling hard if she met Lightning Dust. She admired her stunt devil crew so much, she renamed herself after them when she left the Enclave.
I bet Lightning would be pleased her team of Wonderbolt Academy dropouts still had fans two centuries later.