Two and a Half Liars

by Tirimsil

E.S.S. Rarity

"Blech! Ech! Bluuuuurrgh!" Rarity complained, nearly drowning herself with her frantic washing of her face in the sink. "Oh I can still taste things best left unsaid! ... Eeeeeeee!" She squealed, and removed a live crab from under her bangs. It pinched a claw cheerfully at her with a little smile, then scurried away as she set it down. "Peh! Pbbluublublublu! Aaaaagh!" she continued screaming.

Twilight and Spike stared as the crab clambered into Rarity's upstairs hall, where they were standing, then spun up onto the banister and slid down the stairs, out of sight.

"Don't say a word, Spike," Twilight warned.

"... what? I wasn't gonna say anything," Spike objected. "Except maybe about this coat." He jabbed a thumb towards the soggy, brown-and-green garment thrown haphazardly onto a doorknob. "I didn't think she was into camouflage..."

Twilight swallowed. "I don't think it was camouflage when she put it on, Spike."

"What?" Spike blinked and double-took the stained manteau, leaning towards it with a hand on his chin. "Oh. Eww. Gross."

"I agree!" Rarity declared, making both of them jump as she descended out of her washroom with very intentional, heavy steps. Her mane and tail were perfect, her coat pristine. She shone like an alabaster statue of herself coated with oils. "It ought to be burned for my health! Twilight, dear, would you do the honors?"

"Wha--?!" Twilight objected.

"Well," Rarity stammered faux-bashfully, with a hoof to her mouth, batting her lashes, "Your magic is far more potent and... ferocious than my own... Given the sheer magnitude and enormity of that boat trip, I propose the nuclear option!"

"... I'm not a nuke..." Twilight mumbled, red-faced, as she magically lifted the coat and vaporized it into ashes with a thought.

"Say that to our plumber," Spike jabbed.

"Ah! Yes! Thank you! Now that that's taken care of..." Rarity blinked, confused, suddenly questioning why they were in her house, then scowled. "Oh," she deadpanned. "Yes, I do recall you told us you wanted to hear everything that transpired..." She made a strange, scratchy throat-sound and snorted steam at the floor.

Twilight nodded with an uncertain grimace, thrusting the parchment into Spike's face. He flailed his arms before grabbing hold of the paper and moving it down to his chest. They followed Rarity back down to the first floor.

"Eeeeek!" she cried at the foot of the stairs as the crab scampered past her hooves again, skittering her feet and swooning, her horn very intentionally pulling her fainting couch underneath in the same instant.

Twilight stopped, Spike walked into her, and the two of them tumbled over Rarity and her couch blocking the stairs, and onto the floor.

"Ooooh," Rarity bemoaned, arcing her back with a hoof to her forehead and writhing like she was taken by a high fever, "I can't even speak of what I went through."

"We're all ears," Twilight grumbled, unsteadily rising to her hooves.

"I simply can't," Rarity repeated.

Spike paused dusting off Twilight to look at her with a wink and a finger raised to his lips, then turned to Rarity. "That's okay, Rarity," Spike said gently with a big smile. "We'll leave you be." He motioned for Twilight to follow. She furrowed her brows and reluctantly began to walk towards the door with him.

"Wait! No, you must know," Rarity drawled. "The world must know what I've suffered because of Applejack."

"Applejack?!" Twilight scampered back to her side and repeated, unbelieving. Spike stood next to her, paper and quill at the ready, chin raised with a self-satisfied smile.

"Well, Pinkie too, but yes Applejack," Rarity fumed, sitting up with a huge scowl. "Beautiful, smiling, stupid, NEANDERTHAL APPLEJACK!" she finished by leaning off her couch and stomping so hard she cracked her floor. She winced, gave a cute whining yelp, and held up her now limp-hoof with a big fat pouty lip. "Now look what she made me doooo."

"Spike, take notes," Twilight commanded, though he was already writing quickly. "Rarity, tell us all about how... um, how Applejack-and-maybe-Pinkie ruined your trip."

"Oh won't I!" Rarity roared.

---

Let's start at the beginning, but I do hope you'll listen to the end, because otherwise you'll not understand the depths of how Applejack has ruined me.

One might think, in such a lovely place as Equestria, the whole week surrounding a boat trip would be nothing but lovely mornings, perfect and unassuming. A placid sky, uncharacteristically free of clouds so early in the day despite the weather team tending to sleep in on weekends, the gentle trill of birdsong and the scent of flowers and wild grasses caressing the nostrils.

Well, it wasn't! On the day we were to board the train, I, Rarity, the Element of Generosity, who has done nothing to deserve misery in my life, woke to a baleful morning! Dark clouds hung overhead blacking out the sun, like Applejack's silly hat over a filly's eyes. The grass withered, bowing to me in apology as I passed, as if knowing the cruel fate I would unjustly suffer. Squirrels chittered at me for no reason! I should have known that all this was an omen. A day - two days - to rue. To rue in all earnest!

A-ta-ta-ta. Don't interrupt, Twilight dear, I'm embellishing and I shan't be knocked off-balance by your endearing particularity! So what if it was only a few clouds? So what if I only saw one squirrel? It ought to have been zero clouds and zero squirrels and Applejack was late for the train.

"Hiya Queenie!" called Pinkie, waving so frantically I feared she would fall over. Yes, though I arrived in flawless punctuality, as I do, she was already at the train station. I too was surprised, but not so much as I was that her hair was done up in pigtails of all things and she was wearing a... a red derby hat, a puffy orange life vest, and big rubber boots. She looked like a clown! More so than usual! And surely she would have slapped herself in the face each time she turned!

I carried only a large purse, holding the clothing I would don later, and otherwise was just as you see me now. If only I'd simply left my clothes at home! Oooh, it was such a lovely ensemble, not to mention a bit expensive, only to be lost in that putrid drink...

Hmm? Oh! Yes. Pinkie. What am I forgetting. Oh! She was bouncing on her hooves but she couldn't quite get off the ground. What? No, that's not a comment on her weight, how dare you, you're no beanpole yourself! She was carrying a massive sack on her back, like... like a Hearth's Warming gift-giver!

"Hiya Queenie!" she called, waving so frantically - er, did I say that already? "Didja see Applejack?" Her smile was overwhelming, to say the least. Seemed innocent enough at the time. What a fool I was!

Of course I had not, and reported as such, suspecting that she might be a bit late due to... whatever it is they do on a farm. Not shower, I know that.

But you know how Pinkie is, you never ask her an open-ended question, or even mildly imply one. "Ooh!" she cried. "She musta run into a gator-gopher! Or accidentally hazzabazazza a stooboople! It's probably infesting the farm as we speak like a koozu vine! Hehe. Koozowoozobwwooolzo. Koolokawoozyboozy? Pffhahaha, snort snort, bleat bleat." I've no idea what a koozu is and no dear I'd much rather you did not enlighten me.

Now as I said, Applejack was late. "Hol' yer horses, dingus-dang-doobit, buh HEH huh huh!" came the familiar, burly chuckling as the Blonde Beast arrived with her thunderous hoofsteps. Now let me tell you what she was wearing, you won't believe it. She had her hat. Of course. And those cute little scrunchies in her hair and tail. But a faux-leather jacket over a high-collared shirt?? Pleated trousers? A satchel?! We were going on a boat cruise, not on a jungle exploration! At least she didn't bring her guns.

"Applejack," I tutted at her affectionately, "Where have you been, darling?"

"Oooooooooo!" she screeched, slapping her hat onto the ground and stomping on it like a maniac. "I tells you, Rarity, I tells you what, I plumb-dumb-hum-a-bum hate bein' civilized like you 'n' I don't reckon I like yer judgmentin', not one bit boy howdy yahooooo!" And she did that weird little jig she does sometimes, around her hat.

Right from there I should have known she had it out for me for some bizarre reason only her Cro-Mustang mind could fathom! But all the same, as a good and dear friend, I giggled at her, "Oh Applejack, you're so silly!"

"I done do reckon y'all can stuff it whoa nelly," came the incredibly rude answer, and she put her hat back on. Her filthy, trampled, nasty hat. Not that it matters given what transpired.

Fortunately we'd agreed to meet a half hour ahead of time - it accounted for just this issue and gave us enough time even to rush back should we find we had forgotten something - so we had only to wait before we were able to board.

"Travelin' light this time, Queenie?" Pinkie teased. I was carrying only a small purse, and... well, as angry as I am with her, I'm sure she meant no harm -- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! She said that to set up Applejack, didn't she?! Why that absolute nag! Yes, I said it! I'm glad someone said it! Admit it, you feel the same time to time!

And ooooh, did Applejack decide to get cute. "Hee-hYUH-hoo, didja get robbed on th' way over here Reh-ri-tee? HUHUHUHUHYUCK!" And she clapped me right on the nape of my neck, I'm lucky I'm not in a wheelchair, that absolute bear of a mare!

I gave her a very firm but loving scowl and we got onto the train. And the whoooooole way theeeere Pinkie would not stop yelling "Cow herd! Boop!" or "Naked tree! Boop!" or "Holy smokes an alien! Boop!" and punching me in the nose!

---

Now Twilight, dear, I do seem to recall you were there when we returned. I'm terribly sorry I didn't say a word to you, I didn't wish to invite conversation with Applejack and to a lesser extent Pinkie. But from this I gather you knew our shed-ule, and were aware we stayed a day and night in Seaward Shoals before setting sail, yes? The last train to the Shoals was a bit late in the day, you see, and none of us was confident in sailing at night.

I dare say we were already growing tired of one another's company, because we split up, agreeing to meet up for lunch and, of course, at our hotel to retire for the evening. I confirmed that my luggage had arrived and was ready at the port, and that my catering order had been received, and I am just going to ignore that look on your pudgy faces, and I spent the rest of the day browsing the shops... but I had the strangest omen that I shouldn't buy anything, and my word was I right to resist.

For lunch, we had a local specialty - Seaward Shoals Show-Shelled Seal... Wait, no. Sealord Shows Soul-Shmell... Bluh! It was seaweed, it was quite delectable, really. Applejack didn't care for it and told us as such at great length. "Wurr's th' stem? Did this ripen on th' vine? Does seaweed got vines? Did some comp'ny make this in a lah-boooor-ruh-toooo-ree?" She's insufferable at fine dining, and by "fine", I mean "knows what a spoon is". Ugh!

When we returned to the hotel, Pinkie had gotten us a room with only two beds. In my infinite patience and grace I of course accepted her error without objection, but I made the incredible mistake of implying that Applejack was the most accustomed to sleeping on the floor.

"What in constarnation!" she yelped, hopping up and down with her hat bouncing on her head. "I got half a mind, Reh-rih-tee! Half a mind! Eeeeyup!" And I am glad we were in agreement on that, but whatever she intended to do with it at that juncture was anyone's guess, and I was afraid to find out.

Pinkie graciously accepted that, as this was all her fault, she would give up the bed. And then she pulled another bed out of the sack she was carrying. Who does that? Just summons furniture out of nowhere?! ... What are you looking at? Didn't I wash myself thoroughly? Knock it off, you're creeping me out.

Anyway. The two of them disrobed in the clumsiest and least orderly manner, I reminded Applejack not to wear her hat to sleep which produced some yodelish grumbling, and we fell into bed.

I wish we'd all stayed in bed at home, actually.

---

We rose with the sun first thing in the morning, and agreed to split up as we had a few small, final errands to run before we got onto the ship we'd rented. Hm? Oh no, dear, we didn't charter a ship. Applejack insisted that she could pilot the thing herself, and oh I'll get to that in a moment.

Of course, I had to make myself decent first. I showered, unpacked my clothing from my purse, suited up, and headed out. Oh, and when I left the shower, the others were already gone, which means they didn't wash themselves.

I was dressed quite modestly, all things considered. I began with a black hem tank - a warm choice of color, so I cut it short to leave my belly and legs exposed, and added little riffles in case one might think it a bit mature otherwise. A long skirt, layered, pure white as any other color would have been far too warm and my tail would have melted in all that sweat. The coat you so graciously discarded for me, it was originally mauve, cashmere, three buttons, I would have liked to keep it but that simply wasn't an option... Oh, and a wide brim hat! That was delightful fun, I rarely work with straw, I felt like a filly wearing it - to tell the truth I was afraid the pretty yellow ribbon may be seen as a bit puerile, hmhm..!

Did I mention I had catering done? Stop with that look!! We were staying overnight, I couldn't prepare anything ahead of time, now could I? I merely ordered a cucumber sandwich tray prepared on the morning of the boat visit, so that they would still be fresh for our hors d'oeuvres the following noon. I was worried if --

Pardon? ... No, hors d'oeuvres aren't the same as appetizers at all! Didn't you grow up in Canterlot? Were you raised in a barn like Applejack?! Sh-sh-shhhh.

Hem hem. I was worried if we overate we may find ourselves especially seasick! That happens to me every time I'm on someone else's boat trip and it was a very good thing I did not impose it upon my dear, stupid friends.

At any rate, I retrieved the cucumbers and made my way to the dock. Pinkie was already there, which did not surprise me, what didn't she have ready in that ridiculous bag on her back? ... Oh. And she was wearing the same outfit as yesterday. And she hadn't redone her hair. It was horrific.

Still, I greeted her warmly. "Pinkie, darling, I meant to ask," I added, "Why did you choose pigtails? Won't it be a bit windy?"

"Hee-haw-hee-haw one timesies a fish got stuck in theresies! Where's Applejack!" Pinkie honked back.

I was quite clueless to Applejack's whereabouts, of course, and conjectured that she may have been taken in a bit by the tools on display in the craftsman's quarter. I suppose dockworkers know their tools, after all.

Aaaand then the dock exploded. Yes, exploded, with a loud, echoing "YEEEEHAWWWW" as She Who Cannot Be Tamed fell upon the pier like a demonic cannonball. Certainly, you can still walk on the thing, but it's all uneven and busted up now, and who's going to pay to fix it? Not I, that's for sure. Business has been rather slow this season, the nudists are gaining too much traction.

"Boy-howdy tell ya what who's ready fer an avvenchurr?!" the Blonde Beast bellowed as we picked ourselves back up. Just like Pinkie, she had put yesterday's clothes back on. Did I mention they had not showered?

"Applejaaaack," I reasonably objected, "You've not packed suitably for any sort of adventure!"

"Yip-yip-whacha talkin' 'bout, Rar-i-tee?" she retorted. "Witchoo heer I figya'd th' dalgurn-dangbum-dagnam boat'd sink if'n I brought much more'n' m'hat, guh huh huh!"

Applejack always exaggerates. Pinkie'd brought the entire winter holiday! Applejack always targets me! It's so unfair.

At any rate, the three of us headed aboard and set off. Applejack was the most experienced sailor of us - though she wasn't very - so she took the... the thing. The wheely thing. What do you call that? Is it just "the wheel"? The helm! Yes, thank you.

Now about Applejack's piloting. Oooooh my.

"Boy I tell ya hcchh-what," Applejack yelled, pointing off in the distance, "M' ancient godapple godfather godwhatevvur Apple Bumpkin's ancient treasure's gunna be just over that them there horizon, aw hyuck!" Then she collapsed like a rag doll with a big stupid muppet-y smile on and just laid there with her hat over her eyes.

"Applejack!" I called. "Do we not need to watch where we're going?"

"Hyuck!" she retorted, and every now and again from then on she would get up, adjust the wheely-thingy, and then flop back onto the deck like a fish.

At some point Pinkie Pie set up a pinata. "It's WHAM-o-clock!" she cried. She just... she hung a pinata off of one of the masts and offered me a blindfold. I had no interest in blindly stumbling off of a ship and falling to my death, however, and Applejack was predisposed with madness, so the pinata remained.

At some point, I reasoned it was time for our hors d'ouevres. Not appetizers. Yes I'm looking at you. As I lifted the display, Pinkie squeaked. "Eeeeeeeeeeee! Wowie-dowie-zowie-bakowie I brought foodsies toosies!" And she rushed to that giant bag of hers and began pulling boxes. Boxes and boxes and boxes. She surrounded my sandwiches with them like presents under the Hearth's Warming tree. And, well, I suppose I would very much like chocolate-glazed donuts as a Hearth's Warming present. At any rate, Pinkie leapt up and blew a party favor and yelled, "Who wants some bombs in your mouth to blow up your head like a madmaaaaaare?!"

"I'll try one later, Pinkie," I promised, and I may have been fibbing, "But only if you try one of these lovely sandwiches! They're divine. You too, Applejack."

Pinkie hissed and backed away from the sandwiches and made the sign of the sun at me.

But Applejack. Oooooh Applejack. She started yodeling, spun on the spot like a dog chasing her tail, and roundhouse-kicked my beautiful sandwiches that cost me ten bits a sandwich plus another fifty for labor right into the sea! She kicked them so hard the entire boat started swaying.

"Applejack," I asked her, calmly, reasonably, "Have you lost your mind, dear?"

"Whooooooooooooo nelly!!!" she hollered.

And then she... urk... then she barfed on meeeeee!

Ooooh how I hate Applejack!

---

Twilight stared with wide eyes, blinking. "... Applejack.... barfed on you?"

"Yeeees!" Rarity whined, wincing. "Why-ever would anyone do such a thing?!"

"Was she sick?" Twilight tilted her head.

"Yes. On me. I just said that."

"Did she barf on all three of you?" Spike raised an eyebrow. "Is that why you were all so... icky?"

"What?" Rarity blinked. "Oh, no no!" She waved a hoof in annoyance. "The boat sank! Obviously."

"What!" Twilight and Spike cried.

"How," Twilight stammered, "How did that happen?"

"I don't know!" Rarity threw her hooves in the air. "Uh, bubbudabuuuh... Applejack and Pinkie are very heavy!" She furrowed her brows, thinking it over. "I don't suppose you're convinced by that."

Spike and Twilight shared a look. His was deadpanning. Hers was horrified. "Sugarcube Corner's closer," Spike hinted.

"Are you implying that I'm lying?" Rarity huffed, a hoof to her chest. "That Pinkie knows better than moi so you're going to go ask her?!"

Twilight pouted at her. "To be honest Rarity I think you're full of --"

"No!!" Spike cried. "No, not at all, your story is so detailed, it must be, uh, mostly true!" He rubbed at his chin to make a show of thought. "But it wouldn't be very generous if we didn't ask the others their side of the story, right?"

"Hmph," Rarity tossed her head. "Pinkie knows when she's done something wrong, she'll say exactly what I said and that I was right about everything. Go on, then! Go! Speak with the baker and leeeeave me to my Applejack-induced illness."

Spike bowed, turned, rolled his eyes with a smile and walked out the door. Twilight awkwardly tiptoed after him as Rarity levitated three cartons of ice cream to her couch on the stairs and started sobbing.

"Wait a minute," Spike realized after they'd already walked out the door. "How did they get back to shore?"

"Oh my, that's terribly inconsiderate of her," Fluttershy said to the little crab, which was pinching in her general direction with a smile as they walked away from the Carousel Boutique.

Frowning at the ground in thought, Twilight ignored both of them completely and kept walking.

Comments

[overdue]

" What in constarnation! " she yelped, hopping up and down with her hat bouncing on her head. "I got half a mind, Reh-rih-tee! Half a mind! Eeeeyup!"

This fic is priceless
I especially appreciate all those little conversational noises rarity kept making, it's like you transcribed a real conversation or something

[Tirimsil]

11296496

Spike faithfully wrote down everything Rarity said, including the "shut up Twilight" parts :D