Prologue: Fractured [Edits Made]
Buttercup Rose couldn't help but smile as she walked up to the schoolyard. It was a beautiful day outside, and the first day of school. Ponies were bringing their school bags to keep in cubbies for the school year. Buttercup in particular had already done that yesterday because she was Student Body President and she had to be there early for student council meetings.
"Buttercup!" Lavender shouted as she, Sunrise, and Moonlight came up to her. "Hey!"
"Lavender! Sunrise! Moonlight! You're back from summer vacation!" Buttercup ran up to her friends, grinning. "So, How was Sapphire Shoals?" She asked with a grin.
"It was amazing! Dad took us on a fishing trip and then we went to the frozen north to collect ice crystals from the caves! We-- we have some here, look! They glow and they don't melt because-- because magic!" Moonlight grinned as she spoke. She pulled a few ice crystals out of her saddlebags, showing them off to Lavender and Buttercup.
"Ooh!" Was the response the crystals got.
Sunrise grinned. "Hey, sis, I think you're stuttering a bit," She said, giggling. Moonlight blushed a little.
"Oh! Sorry! I'm just-- I'm just so excited! Third grade is gonna be awesome with you as president, Buttercup!"
"Thanks, Moony!" Buttercup smiled. "Hey, where's Lilac? She said she would be here on our first day to congratulate us..."
"Lilac's parents shipped her off to Manehatten for a friendship camp last week. She said she was sorry, but her parents were being really strict," Lavender answered.
"Ohh. Well, that's alright. Now, I have to go meet the rest of the class, Y'know, Student Body President Things, but I'll meet you in the schoolyard at lunch, okay?" Buttercup said.
"Okay!" The rest of the girls chimed in unison.
Buttercup trotted off into the school, grabbing her clipboard and pen in her magic. "Hmm..." She looked at the clipboard. "So, first off is a filly named Buttercup... Oh, that's me!" She giggled. "Now, who's first? A colt named Shoelace. Ohh, he's in honors! How nice for him!" Buttercup went up to talk to him.
Half an hour passed as Buttercup went to meet the students and give them candy as a welcome gift. When she was nearly done, she looked at her clipboard again to determine who the last student was. "Hmm... Just two more students, and... oh! They're new here in Ponyville! I've got to make their day extra special because they're new!" She looked around the classroom for them. "Where are they?" She looked outside. "Maybe on the playground." Buttercup trotted outside to the playground.
She looked around for the fillies for a moment before spotting them sitting on the swings and talking. "Oh, there they are!" Buttercup trotted up to them. "Hi! My name's Buttercup! I'm the Student Body President this year! I just wanted to say hi and welcome to Ponyville! And to the Elementary School, of course! What are your names?" The fillies looked at her, grinning a little in a way that Buttercup thought was a little strange, but shrugged off.
"Don't you have our names on that clipboard of yours there?"
Buttercup tilted her head to the side for a moment before smiling. "Well, yeah, but I like to let ponies tell me their names in person so they don't feel weird about it. It just makes them feel more included."
"Huh.” Diamond raised an eyebrow for a moment, before shrugging and looking back at Buttercup. “Well, I'm Diamond Necklace, and this is my BFF Golden Ruby. I go by Diamond, she goes by Ruby." Diamond and Ruby nodded decisively, in a way that made Buttercup shiver a bit.
"Hmm. Well, Diamond and Ruby, welcome to Ponyville! I hope you like it here! We're all really nice here, just you wait and see!" Buttercup hummed before remembering something. "Oh! I almost forgot! Here! Welcome candy as a gift for your first day at school!" She gave them the candy and they giggled a little. It was a cold laugh, one that drove chills up Buttercup's spine. Still, she was trying to be nice to them, so she kept it up for just a little longer. "Well, I should get back. I just hung out to say hi for a little while. So, see you later, maybe?" The two nodded in response, never taking their eyes away from her.
As she turned to leave, the fillies caught a look at her flank which Buttercup thought was rude, and they gasped. "Buttercup! Are you-- Are you a--" Diamond put a hoof up to her mouth, gasping facetiously. "A blank-flank?" She said it like it was a grave misfortune, something that confused Buttercup s she stood there, eyebrow perplexingly raised.
"Yeah, so?" Buttercup shrugged.
"You don't have your cutie mark yet!" Ruby cried, shock on her face.
"Nooo...? If you're teasing me about it, then don't. We don't allow that here. Everypony is supposed to feel included, not singled out."
"No, it's-- You don't have your mark! That means you don't have any talent! You need a mark to have a talent!" Diamond grinned, but it was predatory now. "And, by extension, you need a mark to be friends with US. You wouldn't want to be friends with a blank-flank, would you? Blank-flanks are so... ugh... boring, aren't they, Ruby?" Diamond turned to Ruby, who nodded.
Buttercup sighed. So that was the odd feeling in her stomach.
"Yes, indeed!"
"And since you're a blank-flank, you, Miss President, by extension, are boring and talentless." Ruby nodded at that, and Diamond continued as they both stood up. "So why would we, a pair of fine fillies -- who HAVE our marks, mind you -- want to be friends with a blank-flank like you? You're not pretty, you're not cool, you're not a bad girl, you're not a good girl... You're just boring. And we're not friends with boring."
"That's a rude thing to say about me." Buttercup frowned a little, then scowled. "You shouldn't be saying that about others. It could get you suspended or expelled!"
"And who's going to prove that we said it? Your pathetic little group of friends over there? They're not watching us."
"Don't talk about them like that! That's rude!"
"Whatever. We're not going to be your friends, and you shouldn't be our friend if you're going to be boring."
They walked off without another word, leaving Buttercup shocked and somewhat angry. Before she could go after them, she stopped herself. "Calm down, Buttercup, you have other things to do."
Buttercup walked back over to Sunrise, Moonlight, and Lavender, sighing.
"So, how was it?" Lavender asked. Buttercup sighed.
"It was good for the most part, but then the last two fillies started teasing me because I don't have my cutie mark. That was rude of them..."
"Buttercup, you shouldn't worry about it."
"It's not just that. It's what they said. None of it is true!" she hissed defensively.
"Well, we don't need them as friends. That's why it doesn't matter what they think," Moonlight said.
Buttercup hummed, sighing. "Well, I'll just try again tomorrow, then. And be nicer! Maybe they were just a little nervous about me."
"Or scared," Lavender added. "Which would be worse."
Buttercup thought about that for a moment, before shrugging.
"Oh well. I'll just keep trying until they have to be nice to me!"
And keep trying she did. The next day, she went up to them again and got the same response. And the next day, and the next day, and the next. Diamond and Ruby just kept on teasing her whenever she got close, even going so far as to poke at things only she and her older sister should've known about.
A month passed and she didn't know why they kept doing this to her. So when she went up to them again, she asked.
"Why are you doing this to me?"
"Because you're trying to be our friend, obviously."
"No, I mean, why did you start doing this a month ago?"
Ruby and Diamond looked at each other, before turning back to her.
"Um, maybe because you're a blank-flank? Because you don't have a mark and therefore don't have a talent?"
"That's not a reason! That's just what you always say to me!"
"Well, it's the only reason we need!"
"No, it's not! I... I don't know why you keep on doing this to me!"
"Why are you making such a big deal out of this? We're just being nice to you as our blank-flank friend! We're not going to be your friends if you're boring!"
"That's not being nice! That's just being a bully!"
"What's the difference? Anyway, we're not your friends, so don't bother coming around here again! Go hang out with your sister or something."
"But... But I just want to be your friend!"
"You say that, but you don't really deserve it. I mean, you're a blank-flank! Blank-flanks can only be friends with other blank-flanks, that's what I always say!" Ruby nodded, giving an affirmative hum.
"Anyway, it's not going to work out. Bye!" The pair walked away from her.
Buttercup walked back home in silence, feeling awful about what had just happened.
Another month passed. She kept trying, bound by some deep instinct to keep going, keep talking to them, get them to be nice to her. It never worked. They just kept on teasing her, no matter what she did. She tried everything. Cards, gifts, cakes, invitations to parties... but everything she tried was only met with rejection.
But somehow, she kept going. And after a second month of trying, they came up to her while she was sitting with her friends at lunch.
"Miss President?"
"Yes?" She asked, trying to keep her tone jovial.
"You said in your beginning of year speech that anypony could come up and talk to you. Can we?"
"Of course! I'm not going to deny you just because you're teasing me. Everypony deserves a voice! Just, come with me please."
The two fillies followed her away from the table outside the classroom.
"Now, what did you want to talk to me about?"
"This." Diamond pulled a school newspaper out of her bag. It showed Buttercup in the newsroom, editing the papers to favor her instead of saying the truth.
"T-that... blackmail??"
"Kh, yeah! Obvious-much, blank-flank?"
"But I never did that!"
"Would anyone believe you if you told them?"
"But I didn't do that!"
"And that's what I've been trying to tell you, blank-flank! Why won't you ever listen to anyone? Are you, like, deaf or something?"
"Wh--" A hoof went up to her right ear self-consciously. "No!" She sighed. "I don't know why this is happening. I've never done anything wrong! Why are you doing this to me? I'm just trying to be nice!"
"Because you're a blank-flank, and you don't get to be our friend if you don't have a cutie mark."
"What's wrong with not knowing what your talent is yet? Y-you can... You can do whatever you want when you don't know what it is..." Buttercup sniffled.
"Aw, is the President going to cry? How pathetic."
"No! C-can't... can't we just be friends? I don't care what you think of me. I don't..."
"No."
Buttercup whimpered a little and left. "Ohhh..." There were tears in her eyes.
Two more months passed. Buttercup had stopped trying to talk to Diamond and Ruby, just wanting them to stop teasing her. They were using blackmail as a regular tactic now, and would often come up to her to rub it in her face.
It was November now, and as soon as she got to school, she went to the entrance of the forest nearby and just sobbed her tiny heart out.
Lavender noticed that when the bell rang, Buttercup was gone. "Hey, Moonlight. Did you see Buttercup earlier? She's not here!"
"No. I thought she was inside?"
"We should look for her, Miss Heartstrings will be worried..."
The trio looked for Buttercup, eventually finding her curled up and sobbing in a little clearing of the forest. Moonlight, Sunrise, and Lavender all looked at her, concerned for their friend.
"Buttercup? Are you okay?" Moonlight asked worriedly.
Buttercup gave no answer, too lost in her own despair.
"Buttercup? What's wrong?" Sunrise asked. When she got no answer, they all went up to her, lifting her up and holding her gently, wiping off her tears and looking at her.
"What's wrong?" Lavender asked softly.
"I... It's the fillies. You know, Diamond and Ruby? They... They just keep teasing me, no matter what I do. I was just trying to be nice to them, and they just keep teasing and blackmailing me. Why are they doing this to me?" She sniffled.
"Buttercup, we're your friends. Why would anyone want to tease you?"
"I don't know... They just do." Buttercup spat with a pout. "They never stop, no matter what I do. I just... why won't they stop?"
"We need to stop them. Are you okay?"
Buttercup just kept weeping into Moonlight's shoulder.
Why won't you listen to me? I want to help you!
Lavender let out a sigh. "Sunrise," She whispered so as not to let Buttercup hear. "Go get Buttercup's older sister. She needs to go home."
Sunrise nodded and left, going to get Sunset, Buttercup's older sister.
Lavender then held Buttercup tightly, letting her sob into her shoulder. Moonlight held her as well, wanting to calm her down.
A few minutes later, Sunrise came back with Sunset.
Sunset sighed. "She's here?"
"Yes, Miss Flower... she's right in that clearing. Lavender and Moonlight are too. They're with her."
Sunset nodded and entered the clearing. She sighed when she saw Buttercup. "Oh, honey... what's wrong?" She picked Buttercup up and held her, nodding and smiling to Lavender and Moonlight.
"Sunny..." Buttercup sobbed into her sister's fur, hiccuping and gasping as Sunset held her tightly in a loving embrace.
"Shh, shh... shh, everything's going to be okay, it'll all be alright, I promise you..."
Buttercup sniffled some more, sighing and burying her face in Sunset's fur.
"Now, what's wrong, Buttercup?"
"I-I... I met two fillies this year and they're teasing me, no matter what I do. I was just trying to be nice to them, but they're teasing me because I'm a blank-flank." Buttercup's eyes drifted down to the ground below her, tears building in her eyes once again.
"A blank flank?"
"They say I don't have a talent yet."
"What? Oh, you mean because you don't have your cutie mark yet."
Buttercup nodded. "They said that blank-flanks are boring and talentless because they don't have their mark yet."
"Sweetie, you're not talentless," Sunset said with a gentle smile. "You're my little sister. You have plenty of talent. And everypony knows it."
Buttercup sniffled. "B-but... why don't they know?"
Sunset frowned, not knowing how to answer that. "We'll answer that question later. How about we go home for today, hon?" Buttercup nodded, climbing onto Sunset's back and hiding her face in Sunset's curly red mane.
"Alright, dear. Come on, kids." Buttercup's friends all followed Sunset as she carried Buttercup towards the school.
"I thought we were going home, Sunny..." Buttercup said, confused at the direction they were taking.
"We are. I just need to let Miss Heartstrings know about you being out of school."
"Oh." Then Buttercup remembered the fillies who were teasing them. "B-But Sunny, the fillies are going to be there..."
Sunset rubbed Buttercup's back to soothe her. "Shh, I know. I won't let them hurt you, I promise."
Buttercup was silent the rest of the walk, clinging to her sister.
When they got to school, thankfully, Miss Heartstrings was already there.
"Miss Heartstrings? Can I have a word with you please?"
Heartstrings nodded. "Yes? What do you need?"
"I would like to take Buttercup out of school for today," Sunset said.
"Oh, what happened? Is she sick?"
"She's just tired, don't worry."
When she saw the way Buttercup was sniffling and hiding in her older sister's mane, Heartstrings gave a slight nod of understanding. "Ah... alright, then. I'll see you in class tomorrow, Buttercup. Don't miss tonight's assignment!"
"Okay, Miss Heartstrings. Bye-bye..." Buttercup waved shyly from Sunset's back and Heartstrings smiled a little, letting the two go home for the day. Buttercup's three friends then entered the room, faces filled with worry.
"Where have you three been?" Heartstrings asked.
"With Buttercup, because she was upset," Sunrise answered.
"Ah. Well, take a seat, I can't blame you for helping a friend." Heartstrings then went back to her lesson, somewhat worried for Buttercup, but relieved that she was at least safe with family.
Back at home, Buttercup was wrapped in a fuzzy blanket, holding a teddy bear Sunset and their late mother had sewn for her as a Christmas present when she was four.
Sunset held her as they sat, comforting her and calming her down. "Is this better?" She asked with a soft smile.
Buttercup nodded, managing a small smile through the fading tears in her eyes. "Uh-huh. Thanks, Sunny," she said, nuzzling into her older sister's chest.
More months passed. The teasing only got worse as the year went on. Despite Sunset’s attempts, the fillies always found a way to get to Buttercup without Miss Heartstrings seeing. Eventually, this expanded to her friends, too. So in December, when Buttercup was sitting at a table for lunch, alone because she was upset, Sunrise and Moonlight came up to her.
"Hey, Buttercup?" Sunrise said.
"Yeah?"
"W-we can't-- We can't hang out with you anymore. W-we don't-- We don't want to be teased too," Moonlight stuttered nervously, her ears folding back.
"B-B-B-- But-- I-- But you're my friends... I would never let them tease you!" Buttercup put a hoof to her mouth, her pupils shrinking just slightly.
"I'm sorry, but we just can't take that chance. I don't want my sister to be hurt. You know how sensitive she is," Sunrise replied grimly.
Buttercup nodded, but tears began welling up in her eyes. "...Okay..." She mumbled as they walked away.
Buttercup quickly wiped her eyes and sniffled, then went back to eating her lunch in silence.
Diamond and Ruby then came up to her, grinning.
"What do you want?" Buttercup asked.
"Oh, nothing. Just came to see if you were alright after that scene with your friends. Never thought they would ditch you like that, but then, you don't have much popularity do you?"
"Leave me alone..." Buttercup groaned.
Diamond ignored that. "Or, well, they're not your friends anymore, are they? I mean, ditching you like that? I would too, seeing as how you still don't have your cutie mark, but them? Mare, they were never your friends, were they?"
"Leave them alone! They were just protecting themselves!"
Diamond grinned. "Yeah, from you and your stupidity. I mean, you would've gotten them hurt if they hadn't left. Look! I had this all ready for them!" She showed Buttercup the usual newspaper with blackmail information on it. "But since they left, I can't print this. Oh, well. At least now we have you alone."
Buttercup stood up and began walking away from them. "Just go away, you two... Don't you have somewhere important to be?"
Over the last few months of school, it got worse. It started escalating to physical violence, and Buttercup had to actively avoid Diamond and Ruby to keep them from hurting her. She always went home with scratches and cuts and sometimes bruises.
Sunset always helped patch her up and then held her for a while when she got home, but the very next day, Diamond and Ruby would do the same thing again. It was horrible, and Buttercup always felt worse when she went home. But after they told her she wasn't fit to be Student Body President, she went in to talk to Miss Heartstrings.
"Miss Heartstrings?" She asked one day after school.
"Yes, dear?"
"Can I-- Can I resign as Student Body President?"
The question came as a surprise to Miss Heartstrings, who paused what she was doing to look at Buttercup sadly. "Well, I was going to ask you to grade these papers, but... Yes, of course."
Buttercup left her class with a heavy heart and headed home for the day.
Miss Heartstrings watched on, a heavy feeling growing in her head.
Over the next few months, Buttercup began avoiding the school unless it was class time, going to the forest and sitting at a river instead of playing in the schoolyard like she used to. She didn't avoid Diamond and Ruby after school, because they caught her before she could, but the mornings were better.
And then one day, on the last day of school, Diamond and Ruby found her there.
"Hello, Buttercup," She said with a grin. "So this is where you've been coming before school! What a nice little place you have here. So quiet and peaceful, and far away from us! But now we've found it, so you can't hide anymore."
"Leave me alone. Go bother someone else." Buttercup didn't bother to look at them. Diamond scoffed.
"Now why would I do that? You're too much fun to tease, Buttercup! I mean, we even got you to resign as President!" Diamond looked at Buttercup. "But now we have something else to show you. Look at this!" Diamond pulled out a newspaper with a picture of Buttercup on it. Buttercup looked at it, eyes widening.
"W-Wh-- I-- You did this? Y-you-- You made this picture of me sabotaging the votes?"
"Mm-hm! We've crashed your campaign before it's even up and running! Isn't it just wonderful?"
“But, I… I wasn’t even running for next year…” Buttercup shivered. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"We've answered that question before. There's no point in answering it again, no matter how dumb you are." Diamond turned to Ruby. "Now, I have something to give you, something special. Something to remind you of us once we're gone." They began walking towards Buttercup, who backed up. A few steps back and she was tripping, falling into the river and getting mud all over herself. Diamond and Ruby began laughing.
"What do you think you're doing? Get out of there!" Buttercup picked herself up, but as she was trying to get out of the mud, she slipped and fell back in.
"Look at you! You can't even get up out of there! You're such an idiot!" Buttercup sighed as tears built up in her eyes again. She whimpered and squinted her eyes shut.
"Why can't you leave me alone?" They just kept laughing, watching as she sniffled and shivered and sobbed. She couldn't take it anymore, and something in her snapped. Before she could blink, she was surrounded by a sphere of magic that exploded out and blew the mud off her and the fillies away from her.
She found herself exploding, screaming out in agony as her emotions all took the opportunity to get out using the volatile sphere of magic around her. The fillies had but a second to move before the magic pulsated through them, tearing their bodies apart in an instant.
But Buttercup's magic wasn't done. As quickly as it had exploded out, it shrunk back into her, causing her to pass out for a moment as it repaired all the damage the fillies had done to her. she then slowly dropped to the ground, groaning.
She sat up, wondering what had happened. Then she saw the remains of the fillies. "W-wh-- I-- They-- T-they're dead... I--" Buttercup broke down into tears. "I killed them... I killed them because they were bullying me..."
"Ohhh..." She stood up, still sobbing, and ran home in a panic, too terrified to think of what would happen if they found the fillies. Sunset was sitting in the living room, reading. She looked up when Buttercup ran in.
"Buttercup! Are you o--" Buttercup didn't stop, running into her room and shutting the door behind her. "--kay?" Sunset sighed, standing up. "Oh, dear..."
Buttercup curled up in her closet, guilt driving her to tears. "Ohhh... what do I do, what do I do, what do I do? I KILLED THEM! I-- They're-- They're dead because of me..." Buttercup hiccuped, shaking and sobbing and gasping as she tried to figure out what to do. "Celestia, help me... I don't want to be bad... I'm just scared... I don't want to be bad... please..."
She froze when she heard the door opening. "Buttercup? Are you alright?" Oh, Celestia, no, Sunset's here! What if she finds out? Buttercup went silent, shaking her head and shoving a hoof in her mouth to keep from making noise. Hoofsteps came closer to the closet, and then--
"Buttercup? Are you in there?" The voice came from right outside the closet. Buttercup stayed silent save for the occasional hiccup and gasp as she sobbed.
"Buttercup?"
"G-go away!" She whimpered, her voice shaking.
"Buttercup, are you alright?"
"J-Just-- leave me alone!"
"I'm coming in, Buttercup. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise!"
Buttercup gulped, biting her tongue to keep herself from making a sound. She took a deep breath, tensing up as she waited for the door to open.
It did, and there was Sunset.
"Buttercup, what's wrong?" Sunset asked, sitting down and opening her hooves for Buttercup. Buttercup took one look at her and lept into her embrace, sobbing. "Oh, my sweet darling... what's wrong?"
Buttercup only shook her head. "Shh, shh... I've got you. You're safe. You're right here with me, I'm right here." Buttercup slowly calmed, and Sunset sighed. "Now, what's wrong, love?"
"I..." Buttercup cut off when a thought came to her mind. I killed two fillies... isn't that super wrong? What will happen if I tell her? What if I get sent away? "I... It was the fillies again, only this time... they-- They were coming to talk to me, and a timberwolf just-- Just--"
"A timberwolf? What did it do to them?"
"I-It-- It-- It killed them..." She whimpered, trying hard to not cry.
"Oh, my... are you okay? Did it hurt you?"
"Y-yeah, I'm fine, Sunny..."
"Alright, then." Buttercup sighed, closing her eyes as Sunset held her. Well, guess that's it... I can't tell anyone. I can't ever let anyone know what happened to them. I'd be locked up or killed, or worse... Just like the fillies... I... I have to think of something.
Sunset sighed. "How about we get something to eat? Not something out, just from the kitchen." Buttercup nodded. The two slowly got up and left the room. Buttercup let herself relax as much as she could without ending up telling the truth about the fillies.
Hours later, while she lay in bed, Buttercup felt something moving inside her mind. She froze and felt it pulse again with small tremors. It felt like something was there, trying to get in.
Hello? She thought just to see who would answer.
Hello, darling.
"GAHH!"
Who are you!?
My name is Scarlet Knife, darling, and I'm a part of you. You created me when you killed those two terrors who were bullying you. Now, you feel guilty about it, don't you?
I-- Yes, but... what does it matter to you?
Oh, I just want to help you deal with it is all. I know it's been eating at you ever since you did it, and that's not good for you at all!
What do you mean?
I mean, it's making you a little crazy, darling. It would be best for you if you got rid of that little burden you've been carrying around with you.
Why?
Well, do you like it?
No...
So why not get rid of it? I can take the burden away from you, so you never have to feel it again. If you let me out every so often, I can take the guilt away. Don't you want that, darling? Don't you want to feel good?
But... what about the other fillies? If I don't feel guilty, then I'll kill them, too!
Well, you don't have to be guilty not to kill them, darling. You didn't before, did you?
No, but... now, I might...
Do you feel an urge to kill them, darling?
No...
So don't worry about it. Only those who feel an urge kill like that.
I... Okay. Okay, you can do it. Please stop making me feel so horrible.
Good, good. Now, go over to your mirror and touch it. I'll be on the other side. Once you touch my hoof, the deal will be done, and all the guilt will gone.
Okay... Buttercup went over to her mirror and touched it where Scarlet's hoof was touching from the other side. Scarlet grinned in response.
There, now. That's done. Just a moment, and then I can get rid of your guilt for you.
Buttercup waited for a moment before Scarlet's voice echoed through her head again.
There. It's gone now. No more guilt. No more bad thoughts. Is that better?
Y-yeah... thanks. Buttercup smiled a little, glad that the weight was off her.
You're welcome, darling.
I should go back to bed now. Goodnight!
Buttercup laid down and closed her eyes. She hoped that tomorrow would be better than today.
Just before she fell asleep, she couldn’t help thinking that this deal seemed a just little too simple...
Stats
Page generated in 0.026 seconds
Total duration
1,065 users online
1,547,945 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
The concept of this story, I think has some merit to it, but there's a lot in the execution and presentation of it that's off-putting to me. This got awfully long and might come across as quite harsh, for which I apologize in advance--I hope enough of my reasoning is spelled out for it to be informative instead of malicious.
My issues began with the Author's Note:
So, I'm more of a snobbish asshole on this front than a lot of people are, I think, but I really don't like opening the first chapter with a note like this. I've seen enough of the story to make me want to read it--the way I see it, if I click on the chapter and I get anything that's not the story, that's not what I'm here for, so it'd better have a good reason to be there or else it's an annoyance.
Now, technically, yes, the information in this note is essential, but I'd argue only one line of it is something besides fairly common practice--italics for thoughts is quite common, and bold for emphasis, while not quite as much, I think is something people are going to interpret very easily. So the only thing that's unconventional is that underlined italics are an alternate personality speaking. That's important, sure, but coming out to say that directly as the author, I think is clunky and intrusive for no good reason. Because later on we have this passage:
... Okay, I really don't like GAH! being a thought. That's, like, an onomatopoeia for gasping or something, and people don't gasp in their thoughts, that's just silly. I don't think that works as a way to convey her surprise or horror or whatever here very well.
But what I do think this passage does quite effectively is very clearly establish a pattern that underlined dialogue is this other voice speaking. I see absolutely no reason taking the time to spell it out explicitly is worth the intrusion, so personally I would cut the author's note entirely because it only detracts from the experience.
And here's an annoying bit of grammar scrutiny: when you use a dialogue tag after dialogue, as in something like this
The dialogue and what comes after it are one connected sentence. Which means you don't close the dialogue with a period (Question marks and exclamation points are fair game), and you don't use a capital letter afterwards, unless of course it's a proper noun or something. So that should instead read
That's not the only example I noticed, but the rule is the same elsewhere.
Another note. Because the pattern of " 'dialogue,' character said" is so common, I think it's not unusual for people to see a name after dialogue and immediately assume that that's the speaker. So when you do things like this:
It's made much more confusing than it needs to be by having Heartstrings' reaction following dialogue that Heartstrings did not say. I've seen it said that a paragraph with dialogue should only contain actions performed by the speaker, to avoid confusion; I don't think I agree with a principal that absolute, but if you are going to include other characters doing things in the same paragraph, it's likely a good idea to identify the speaker explicitly.
And some more probably annoying nitpicks: there are two OCs in this story with the same first names as established canon characters (Diamond Necklace/Diamond Tiara, Sunset/Sunset Shimmer). I don't know that this is a massive issue, it's probably something that won't affect people if they read the story in one sitting, but personally, I would never ever do this, unless maaaybe it was some, like, obscure side character that's being doubled up on, but that's not what's happening here. I think unless these names are literally the only appropriate options for these characters, you're adding a chance for confusion for no good reason.
Anyway actual story stuff now.
The setup here strikes me as unusual, and not in a great way. This admittedly is a topic I don't have an excess of knowledge or experience with, so perhaps this is baseless. But it's very similar to the setup for The Secret Life of Rarity. Except that, if I'm remembering things correctly, Rarity in that story is just starting out at school, so she doesn't know anyone and doesn't have any friends, which makes her an easy target for bullying.
Here, though, Buttercup has several well-established friends, and is the Student Body President--which, correct me if I'm wrong, is decided upon by a popular vote, usually? She also thinks absolutely nothing of being called a blank flank--and if she's elected to something in spite of that, that makes me think most of her friends don't think anything of it either--until the bullies literally spell out that they're using that as an excuse to be bitches to her.
All of this adds up to me as showing Buttercup to be a popular, socially capable filly with good self-esteem and a good support network, which strikes me as exactly the opposite of the sort of person who's susceptible to bullying. So I have a very hard time believing that these bullies are something that would get to her a lot--and I don't think that's helped by so many of their actions being just vaguely alluded to or briefly summarized.
Now, the part that I do like is that Buttercup specifically angsts over the bullies not even trying to be friends with her. That's something that I think could've been played up a lot more and would've been interesting. Because if Buttercup's got it in her head that she needs to be friends with everyone, that establishes a much clearer reason that the bullying is something that gets to her, and I think there are some really interesting places you could go with that, but I don't think that's something that's actually established very clearly or explored in much depth.
I think that's about it. I hope some of this is helpful, and please do feel free to ask for clarification or to correct me if I've misjudged your story in any way.