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Chapter 1: Reporting for Duty1,628 words
Chapter 2: Initiation2,160 words
Chapter 3: Very Important Guest2,248 words
Chapter 4: Crime and Punishment3,016 words
Assorted Musings, General Rambling, and Minor Occurrences1,337 words

Chapter 2: Initiation

The Horror:

When you're on guard duty, a boring day is a good day. Boring means that nothing significant happened during the entire shift. No powerful, ancient lords of chaos broke out of their stone prisons to turn the sky green. No swarms of changelings showed up to usurp the throne of Equestria. Most importantly, nothing happened near my post that I had to deal with.

In a shocking twist of fate, I wound up in Sgt. Scud Runner's squad. He started me off with an easy post just so I could get used to the schedule and turnover procedures. Since there weren't any events scheduled all week, this meant four boring days watching the unused banquet hall entrance. At least I had a good view of the gardens.

I was almost done with my first duty rotation. One of the night guards came to relieve me shortly after sunset. All I had to do was get back to the barracks, drop off my armor, and take a quick shower. Then, I would be free to explore the Canterlot nightlife as much as I wanted without having to worry about guard duty in the morning.

To my great misfortune, things decided to get interesting about halfway through my trip.

I feel it is appropriate at this point to provide a brief account of the Royal Canterlot Voice. From a distance, an observer would accurately describe it as loud. It is indeed very loud, but that is inadequate for the purpose of fully portraying what happens to ponies who find themselves subjected to it at point-blank range. When magically amplified, a Princess's voice seems to echo inside the mind of her hapless listener. It also seems that passing through the ears is entirely optional, as covering them has absolutely no effect toward lowering the headache-inducing volume.

I mention this because my lazy trot back to the barracks was interrupted in such a manner by a very frantic looking Princess Luna.

While attempting to endure the verbal onslaught in the most dignified manner possible while clamping my hooves over my head, I managed to figure out what the Night Princess wanted. She had a message for Princess Celestia, and she wanted me to deliver it. At some point during her tirade, she passed me a large yellow envelope with red stamps all over it saying things like, “SUPER DUPER TOP SECRET: FOR ROYAL EYES ONLY,” and, “URGENT: TO BE DELIVERED IMMEDIATELY.” I tucked it into my armor and bolted for the palace as soon as the migraine subsided.

I got as far as the atrium inside the main palace entrance before I realized I had no idea where to find Princess Celestia right after sunset. I had to flag down another guard who was nice enough to inform me that her highness had retired to her private chambers and then point me in the right direction.

I took another look at the envelope. It was made abundantly clear at orientation that neither Princess was to be disturbed in her private chambers for anything short of a national emergency. Examples of national emergencies include, but are not limited to: hostile invasions, escaped avatars of chaos, or psychotic breakdowns of Celestia's prized student, Twilight Sparkle. The punishments for those who violate this rule are said to be so horrible, that condemnation to the deepest, darkest, most desolate depths of Tartarus would seem like a pleasant vacation by comparison. Either way, I was doomed.

Several minutes and a wrong turn later, I found the corridor leading to the royal chambers. I could tell it was the right place because even though it was nighttime, there were two pegasus guards with white coats wearing day guard armor. They could only be the elite guards selected for Princess Celestia's personal escort. Naturally, I was stopped and had to state my business. When I showed them the envelope, the one on the right made a comment about it being my funeral before letting me through. He at least had the decency to look empathetic.

Before me stood the last obstacle to my mission, the giant door to the Princess's private chambers. All I had to do was knock on the door, go in, deliver the message, and get out. Or, I could run to the top of the tower and fly away, and maybe, I could escape Canterlot in one piece. It took every bit of my training to quell that survival instinct and knock on that door. Duty comes before self-preservation.

As soon as I started knocking, the door appeared to open on its own, and the soft, melodic voice of the Solar Diarch invited me in. The sight that greeted me inside was certainly not what I expected. I had hoped she would simply be lounging on one of the many cushions around the room, possibly reading from her private collection of books. I had no such luck. Instead, my intrusion came at the worst possible time, her bath.

As the door shut itself behind me, I could only see the back of her mane. I practically froze in place when she turned around and met my gaze.

A voice in my head said, “I can do things that not even your wildest imagination can dream of.” To make matters worse, that voice sounded a lot like the Princess I stood before. I can only hope it was my imagination playing a mean trick on me. Perhaps it was the combined effect of those deep magenta eyes and the pastel hued mane weighed down by water, outlining the brilliant white face of a goddess smiling serenely in my direction.

I nearly forgot what I was doing there. Wouldn't that be embarrassing?

Fortunately, the hidden pockets inside Royal Guard armor aren't designed to carry large envelopes. Thus, I was jolted back to reality when a corner of said envelope jabbed me in the side.

The fact she had an urgent message seemed to grab the attention of the co-ruler of Equestria as well as distract me from the thoughts that had just gone through my mind. However, I did have to explain that I probably shouldn't read it to her, and I couldn't open it anyway because it was sealed with a spell that only the intended recipient could break. Eventually, she settled for opening it herself but insisted that we, “read it together.” Rather, I would read out loud, and she would follow along. Seeing a possible opportunity to not get banished to the moon, I made a mental not that orders from a Princess override everything.

I don't actually remember walking up next to the royal bath, but it must have happened at some point during the previous exchange. It didn't take much to keep from trying to peek because the next thing I knew, the Princess of the Sun grabbed my head with her magic and pressed her cheek against mine with the missive levitating in front of us.

The scent of bath soaps and shampoos that I would never be able to afford, let alone know where to acquire, flooded my nose. It was hypnotic and soothing in ways I never thought possible. Combined with the proximity to every stallion's colthood fantasy, all of my base instincts threatened to spiral out of control again. One magic ear pull and a prompt from the most powerful pony alive later, I started reading and immediately wished I hadn't agreed to this.

What was written on that page, I will take to my grave. If my face hadn't been dyed white, it would have probably been the most becoming shade of bright pink imaginable. Banishment to the Moon wouldn't be enough. There would be a dungeon built on the Moon just for me, and I would be tossed into that dungeon upon my banishment.

After what seemed like hours of humiliating torture that most likely only lasted a couple minutes, I finished reading the “message”. When the Princess released me from her magical hold, I overbalanced and staggered a few feet away. I expected the worst, but all she did was ask me my name.

For the record, my name is Raincloud, and I am a corporal of the Royal Guard, so whatever anypony says, I did NOT forget my name. I just found myself temporarily unable to speak or form any sort of coherent thought whatsoever.

I must have some good karma saved up from a previous life, because the Princess just smiled and dismissed me before I could further embarrass myself. As I made my way to the door, I thought I heard giggling but did my best to ignore it.

One of the great benefits of being a Royal Guard is that we all look out for each other. No sooner did the door shut behind me then the two elite guards from before dumped two very large buckets of water on me.

It was freezing cold.

It was a moment of clarity the likes of which are rarely experienced by anyone, and even though I should have been out on the town drinking myself stupid...

It was exactly what I needed.

Reflection:

It took me hours to fall asleep after what happened last night. My mind kept going over the events in an uncomfortable level of detail, and I just wound up staring out the window. It wasn't completely unproductive, however. Once I wrote everything down, hindsight kicked in to show me things I hadn't noticed in my panicked state at the time.

First, Princess Luna shouldn't have had to wait outside for a passing guard to deliver a message. If rumors are to be believed, she can communicate magically with her sister. Besides, if it was truly urgent, there were plenty of on-duty guards patrolling inside the palace between her office and Celestia's chambers. She had to have been waiting for me specifically.

Second, the elite guards let me through far too easily. I just showed them the envelope, and they waved me through without a second glance.

Third, Princess Celestia seemed almost carefree at having her private bath interrupted. It was as if she was expecting somepony with a message, and she already had some idea of what that message was. Why else would she insist that a guard in his first week on the job read aloud what was supposedly top secret information. I'm still not going to talk about what it said, though.

Finally, the elite guards were there with buckets of water as soon as I was dismissed. There is no way they could have known what went on in there if they weren't in on it. Not to mention, they were laughing like maniacs while I just stood there dripping.

Now that I think about it, it had to have been a setup. Perhaps it was just some mean-spirited fun at the expense of the new guy. The other guards are throwing a little welcoming party in the common area behind the barracks this afternoon. I'll see if I can get them to confess. Looking at it that way, I can see the humor in it. I mean, I doubt the rulers of Equestria make a habit out of seducing their guards or anything like that. ~~Not that I'd be opposed to...~~

Aftermath:

I fucking knew it.

Not only was the whole thing one big prank, they've been doing this for a while now. Apparently every new guard goes through this “initiation”, which happens roughly every month. All but the oldest guards spoke of similar experiences at the end of their first duty rotations. I didn't even have to ask either. I guess the shared ordeal helped to build camaraderie, and some of their stories were even funnier than mine.

Examples of some of their “missives” included random doodles, complete gibberish, blank sheets of paper, poetry, and pages from novels of various genres. Sgt. Scud Runner had the lyrics to a popular song, which he was then asked perform his own rendition of.

Not everyone made it that far, though. At some point in between fits of roaring laughter, the mastermind of this little rite of passage showed up and pointed out some of the guards who forgot about their deliveries upon entering her chambers and one who even got lost trying to find his way there.

She also knew my name somehow. Last night was the first time I had met either Princess, so I hadn't yet introduced myself properly. It's somewhat unnerving, but I probably shouldn't over-think it.

I finally got the names of the night guards who helped me move, too. Corporals Polar Night and Stargazer got here just a few months ago. They seemed happy at the prospect of free drinks.

Even after only a week, I can tell the Royal Guard division is a tight-knit group. For the first time since I joined the Legion, I feel like I belong somewhere.

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