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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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2297712 Dude i have been waiting for the new chapter and i must say. Totally Worth It!!!!!
2340601 I was in the bathroom when my PC went off with a message, it is that loud.
Well being busy with college, than going directly to spring break, I have already begun the beginning for the second arc of the story, and I hope you read the chapter to the very bottom. Since you were the first to finish reading, you just won yourself a spot to be an OC for a chapter or two, whatever tickles my fancy at the moment.
21 chapters without him and Celestia becoming an item. I am impressed :3.
Guessing that will happen in the next arc. Anyway nice chapter and good to have you back again.
2340623 lol thanks and im and acting major so im used to reading fast i have to.
2340625 Good to be back, when I was doing this chapter I had to watch the show again for a few parts to add in to make it sorta make sense, also I am looking for five OC's to add in, being dead is gonna be a bitch.
im going to assume changlings. other than that, I want the next arc NOW!....*ahem* sorry about that.
2341080 Yes, like most men who hide their porn under their mattress, he hides his in the mattress, and the drugs, his one Hallex canister, it is hiding within the lamp.
2341418 Damn dude you read fast.
2341440
Here's the problem. Your character doesn't really change. He's still the same cynical, "kill the enemy with little, if any regard for remorse or regret" hoo-rah soldier boy he was when he first arrived. His sense of humor hasn't changed. His indulges in angst hasn't changed. His "break into a fury" behavior hasn't changed. And he seems to be under the idea that swearing frequently and cracking sexual jokes makes him "mature". It makes him sound like a middle schooler trying to SOUND mature.
I GET that he's the last of his kind. But instead of being this jaded individual who slowly warms up and becomes a gentler, more caring soul by interacting with the sweet-hearted ponies around him, learning from his experiences, he applies the same kind of tactics to his new life as he did to his old, and shows almost no change in personality or behavior. It feels like this whole story was a waste. He didn't really learn anything.
2341472 Not going to spoil anything for next chapter.
2341498
...if your character has to take two entire books to finally become likable and relatable and empathetic, then he's not a good character. Let me explain my issues with him.
1. He's got too many powers and skills and is "Mary Sue" in background.
2. His temper and anger issues.
3. His cynical, jaded nature that doesn't change one iota over the course of an over 100,000 word story.
4. His near-remorseless killing of what he admits are HUNDREDS, even THOUSANDS of people. Which makes a huge mood whiplash considering whom he's currently palling around with.
5. There's far too much of a focus on your character and little on the ponies themselves, even when they ARE "palling around". The story would work much better if it focused more on the perspective of the Mane Six observing/interacting with him.
6. His potty mouth. Seriously. Please tone back the swears. It doesn't make the story more mature. It does the opposite when you overdo it.
7. His reaction to problems and issues back home was to solve them with violence. His reaction to problems and issues in his NEW situation? Same thing. He hasn't changed at all. He's regressed, even. He's gotten broodier and more furious because of his situation and he lashes out at innocents around him. Which makes him very unlikable. He's been downright OFFENSIVE to the Princess and the Mane Six. Throughout the whole story he's been stuck in anger and grief over what happened and he never seems to leave it.
2341440 I hope the next arc will have plenty of fire and insanity... i love those.
2341611 You know, in every story that I have read, gave thumbs ups and downs to, each and every single one has their main character already happy, nice and kind with little problems, mine is that his life naturally sucked, his father was a turn-coat traitor, most-to-all of his normal friends are dead, him being a soldier only made his life suck even more and made it more single minded, leaving not much room for maneuvering out. This is my story, and by whatever exists out there, I will run this story the way I am doing it, if you do not like it, than stop reading and complaining about it, all others that read it before you liked it, hell a few even enjoyed it. If you are that adamant with your complaints, well than stop with your complaints and leave.
2341965 Well its gonna be different, that much I will guarantee.
Honey isn't the worst taste to have in your mouth, but it would be weird
2342804 If you have seen the Sherlock Holmes cartoon's first episode, you would get where this is coming from. Also I have purposely left out parts to the ending snippet.
2342815 Well I haven't seen it have I?
2342928 Well you have earned this spoiler.
2342074
These aren't "complaints", they are reasonable issues worth addressing, every story has some flaws. I know you were trying to go for an inversion of the usual human into Equestrian story in which the main character cuddles up and is all happy-happy joy-joy with the cast, but you went too far in the other direction in the name of that inversion by having your character be as brooding and moody and temperamental and cynical as humanly possible. That, combined with his powers and his tragic backstory, makes him too much like one of the angsty anime warrior types that fill Japanese cartoons and less like a real person.
Lets take this smaller. His likes and dislikes. The characters have to flat out ask what he likes. The only time we see him engaging in an activity he enjoys is poker. Other than that, sex and violence are the only things he seems to enjoy. We don't get to see him just relaxing or being himself. We don't see him doing much exploration of the history of this world. We don't see him maybe writing a diary and getting his thoughts out in a contemplative, thoughtful way. The story is basically just brooding and action with few, if any, lulls. And I get that your character is a soldier who's just come fresh from a war with the Reapers. But that thereby puts the responsibility you have as a writer to a new challenge: finding a way for him to acclimate to the new environment that doesn't involve constant violence over and over again, a way for us to see his humanity, which we, the audience, don't get treated too that often.
Even the way he talks isn't how normal people talk. And I don't just mean the profanity. He's melodramatic. He yells and roars and has conversations with himself about how he's a soldier who keeps the peace. Nobody talks like that. You'd never hear somebody say "I am a good guy" or "I am a soldier, I must keep the peace". This isn't Shakespeare. I'm honestly trying to point out ways you could improve your writing, I'm not trying to bring your work down or be rude to you.
2344472 I have read your large ass input and these are my responses.
NO, these are complaints, you want me to change my main character so it can appease you, which will not happen. I will not change my character just to please one reader, unless every single person that has so far read my story has said the same thing about him, than yes he needs to be changed, but so far it is just you.
And he does have a diary of sorts but so far the moderators of this site have refused to let it be shown so I am still working on it to be readable to viewers, which sadly is taking longer than I thought.
And in the second arc of the story, he does start to change but it is more of a 'My fight-and-kill switch doesn't need to be so easily flipped active on a regular basis'. The way I am going about this is that he is still coming down from the whole 'End-of-all-life-as-I-know-it' condition, which sadly is the reason that got him killed.
No promises that he will change for the better or for the worse, all I am saying is he will change, but not for better or for the worse.
2344499
Okay, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. But if his behavior doesn't really change that much, then I'm going to let you know. There's nothing worse than a flat, Mary Sue/ Gary Stu character.
2344593 At least you are one of the few people that know what those two are.
GIMME MOAR!
2342074
You sir have just gained my respect for the comments made here.
I have to admit that I do agree that Roran is a little over powered but hey.... I've played Mass effect 3 and I'll be honest Shepard is overpowered as hell as well so I'll just jock it up to the fact that I really don't give a damn how strong Roran is.
I also like how while you kept Roran true to his own character and didn't stray from the image that you gave about him. He came off as a sarcastic immature
psychopath but lets be completely honest here... Who wouldn't be even just a little crazy after going through what he did and spending WHO knows how long stuck with Discord. (btw the bonus chapter of Discord's lair made me laugh my ass off..... and watch jackass again).
All in all I really enjoyed what you did so far with the story and look forward to the next part if only to practically say "Roran you lovable jackass. Give me a hug you asshat".
Oh and I'm totally going to just take a guess and say Changlings.
2360336 I also realized that I somewhat spoiled the next chapter that I am shelling out tonight...eh it was worth it. And also, there is a reason why I put Chrysalis's head in the slots.