Harmony's Thieves

by 4428Gamer

My Good Buddy Discord

Morgue’s POV

Sometime in the Past

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…

I settled into my chair, watching as chaos flanked me in every direction. We were outside in well-cushioned dining chairs set on either side of a large table laden with every hors d'oeuvre I could ever imagine.

In the chair opposite of me sat the only other creature in attendance. Note how I said ‘creature’. The thing I was staring at was definitely not human. In fact, out of every animal this thing was made up of, human was visibly vacant.

But I was perfectly fine with all of it.

I gazed around us at all of the unique forms of chaos. We, and the furniture, were all floating upside down, laughing at gravity. There was no blood rushing to my head though. In fact, I felt like I was in some anti-gravity bubble or something.

A part of me would have probably been terrified of the gravity turning back on if my attention wasn’t so focused at the yellow eyes of this mad god I was staring into. At least, I’d call him a god.

Maybe he wasn’t one back in that Equestria place. But here on Earth? Oh yeah. Definite God of Chaos. Then again, you could put any magic-flinging thing from Equestria on Earth and it could pass as a god. Maybe even the Earth Ponies.

Around us, harmlessly flying around just as we were, was a chair ‘running’ around like a crazed bull as it chased after a china cabinet. It even made accordion sounds every time one of the chair’s legs hit whatever classified as ground.

Then, lapping around the table was an entire tea set. It was all lined up neatly as it rolled around the table on tiny train tracks with the kettle letting out puffs of smoke in the shape of trombones. The kettle even had this cute little conductors hat to match.

After the tea train stopped at the God’s side of the table, with tea snaking out of the kettle and into a cup like it was guided by a crazy straw, I broke eye contact and leaned back into my chair as it leaned backwards to accommodate.

“I’m gonna be honest,” I told him, keeping my face in a neutral smirk as I watched him. “This is probably the nicest tea party I’ve ever been a part of.”

“Well it’s about time somepony recognized my talents as a host.” Discord snapped his fingers lazily, watching as two plates flew out of the china cabinet and folded around each of our necks like napkins. “There aren’t many ponies who appreciate good entertainment nowadays.”

“I could say the same about humans, really.” I picked up my plate and held it upside down, rightside up for anyone keeping track, above the food. Then, as if chaos understood what I wanted, every snack I eyed fell onto my plate.

I could get used to this, I thought behind my smirk.

“Is that so?” Discord watched me for a moment. “From what I’ve seen of them, I would have thought that this type of showmanship would fit right in.”

“Not wrong to think that, amigo,” I admitted. “But there’s the problem; plenty of us would say that eating an antipasto kabob upside-down with a Chupacabra would be the level of insanity they would look forward to any week. But if the chance ever showed up? They’d all duck out first chance.

“But here we are,” I celebrated. “And beachside view, no less,” I added, gesturing out to the beach below us and the shore not far away. The salty spray of the tide coming in made the tea party all the more inviting.

Oh, did I forget to mention we were at the beach? ‘Cause we were. Guess you forgot that whenever you see softball sized fireflies freely fluttering around you. One of them was even trying to chew up the table leg.

Discord’s brow raised comically. “Chupacabra?”

“It’s your nickname,” I told him. “I’d say it fits more than Discord, at least.” I held up my kabob towards the ocean and watched as some of the salt split away from the waves just to season my meal.

Good ocean. Keep it up.

Discord thought about it for a moment before snapping his fingers, watching as this alien- canine abomination appeared out of nowhere and hung in the air as though held by the scruff of its neck.

I reeled back in my seat, nearly dropping my kabob. “Is...Is that an actual Chupacabra?”

Discord ignored me and instead studied the monster for a moment before suddenly turning up his nose. “I don’t see the resemblance.”

“...Did you create that?” I kept asking. “Or just bring one here?” I asked, watching as the monster slowly began to wake up.

He chuckled at my now shattered poker face. “Now why would I answer that? It would give away the surprise.”

He plucked up a slice of cucumber from one of his sandwiches and stretched it until it was the size of a frisbee. Then, with a sharp whisper to catch the Chupacabra’s attention, he tossed the giant cucumber slice. The monster lunged for it and dove into a portal as it went.

“...” I took a moment to gather myself, regaining my neutral smirk while mentally screaming in terror. “...You just threw that thing out into the wild, didn’t you?”

“And it’ll make a lovely nest somewhere,” Discord assured me as he ate his half empty cucumber sandwich. “You were saying?”

I tried figuring that out myself for a moment before giving up entirely. New subject, my brain declared.

“Y’know, I don’t get why ponies hate your fun so much. Minus the whole, oh no, there’s a monster loose in probably Australia, ‘cause of course that’s where a monster would be, this is a fun time!”

“Well of course it’s fun,” Discord flaunted. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. This is my chaos we’re talking about. If only ponies could recognize that.”

If only ponies could recognize...Oh. Wait.

My expression melted into one of disappointment. “That’s probably what’s going on.”

“By all means, do tell.” He reached over to his left, pulling a churro out of thin air and using it to stir his tea.

I shrugged. “It’s the same problem that humans have all the time. Your PR’s bad.”

He froze in place with the pause symbol appearing in reality above him and to the left.

“Uh oh,” I muttered, noticing a TV remote in front of me that definitely wasn’t there before. Already getting the point, I scooped it up and pressed resume.

“My PR?” He asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” When he shook his head, I carried on. “You were turned to stone by Sun Lady and her sister, they announced your defeat, told their side of the story for literal centuries, and they had you hung up in the garden. The ponies only know Sun Lady’s narrative.”

His brow furrowed as he turned the words over in his head. Literally. I watched my words literally fly into one ear and heard a bunch of factory and machine sounds emit from him. There were even occasional sparks shooting out of his nose.

Finally, a paper printed out of his other ear that a second Discord, this time dressed up like a stock broker, tore away and looked at it.

“He’s right,” Stock Broker Discord admitted in shock. “Your numbers have been going down since the 3rd quarter of the millennium.”

Discord scowled for a moment, making the tea in his eagle claw turn so cold it turned into a block of ice. “I can’t believe it! Why would anypony go around saying my chaos is anything less than the best thing to ever happen in Equestria?”

“Because they’re pushing for their best thing to ever happen for Equestria.” I frowned. “You know, the same thing that dragged all of you here to Earth?”

“...Harmony,” Discord said with all interest faded.

“Exactly.” I bit into my sea salt kabob. “But you know...I, leader of the Honorable Thieves, would be happy to help with that. I can fake playing PR Manager.”

“You’d do that?” He blinked, turning to Stock Broker Discord. “Would that work?”

Stock Broker Discord looked back at the paper. “Hmm...It would take something big.”

“Oi. I’m nothing if not a big picture guy,” I gloated. “I mean, my hermanos and I are heading for Equestria after we’re done, apparently. Having a friend on the other side would be a fair trade. Eh, amigo?”

I held out a hand towards him. Even if he was on the other side of the dining table, I knew the distance was no problem.

For the second time this whole tea party, the god of chaos looked to me, a humble master thief, in confusion. “You...want to be friends?”

“Are you loco?!” I paused for a moment. “Dumb question. Ignore that. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with one of the most interesting creatures alive? It’d be an honor, Chupacabra.”

I watched a welcoming grin spread across his long face. Then I watched it match with my level of mischievousness. “A being of chaos and a master thief, eh? Now that sounds like a good pair.

“You’ve got yourself a deal!” I flinched as a lion’s paw sprouted out from the plate of artichoke poppers and shook my hand. Then, from the other end of the table, Discord snapped his fingers again.

From around my neck, a heavy silver necklace appeared around me. On the front of it was a silver charm of Discord done up in this artsy design. However, as I watched, I felt the necklace suddenly become weightless.

“Nice,” I complimented. “I’m much more of a silver guy than gold anyways.”

“No need to thank me. But go ahead anyways,” he told me. “I already planned on giving that to each of the others while you’re here on Earth. Just think of you getting it early as a token of friendship.

“That necklace has enough of my magic stowed away to grant one wish. After that, it’ll simply be the best quality necklace that no money could buy.” He leaned back in his chair as he took a sip of churro tea.

“Wait, wish? Like, limitless wish?” I asked with a gleam in my eyes.

“Do you think I would give somepony a limited wish?” He asked me. “That would just be—”

“I wish for infinite wishes!” I shouted clutching the necklace in my hands like my life depended on it.

Discord’s smile dropped. “Well, leave it to a human to find the limits.”

When he saw me pouting, Discord took my attention back. “I suppose it is limited in a few ways. One of which being that it’s only as powerful as one of my tricks. So no wishing for more. Other than that, the wish is just as strong as me doing it myself.”

I thought the idea over for a moment. “If we ask for something that chaos magic can’t pull off, it’s not going to get wasted is it?”

“No. It’ll simply do nothing. And it won’t try to twist your wish in its own way either. That’s only my own personal touch. But the biggest thing to remember from that necklace is this: You must know exactly what it is you’re asking for. If you don’t, it won’t work. If you can understand that, you’ll be able to use it.”

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Present Time

In the Park

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…

When I came back to reality, the pain in my face from that flying rake reintroduced itself as I kept holding my jaw and nose.

As the pain refused to leave anytime soon, I frantically looked around. There were no more rainbow lights and thankfully no immediate danger to attend to. Safe, I hoped.

I took the next minute to make sure that rake didn’t leave a lasting impression on my face. After a minute of whining, which no one was around to see, I fell onto my back and stared up at the giant dome in the sky. Only the occasional yodeling sunflower broke the eerie silence.

That...That was the past, I realized. A few weeks, maybe. Possibly a month. I let my mind piece it all together. Back with Princy and Querubin, the last thing I remembered was driving to a music gig. Now, that memory felt so long ago, I think I remembered even less about it all of a sudden.

I let my mind play back Discord himself. The word ‘Draconiquus’ came to mind as did a few other things. But no other memories, only facts I knew.

Wait. I frowned. He gave me a necklace. Is it the same?

I reached into my pocket and brought out the same necklace from the crater. What I thought was a Chinese dragon was really the same Discord I remembered.

Slowly, my smirk spread across the side of my face as I let out a chuckle. There was a moment when it felt unnaturally heavy and then light as air. It had a wish in it.

Best. Find. Ever.

I held it up above my face and took in a breath.

“I wish I remembered everything!” I called out, staring as the necklace gleamed against the purple barrier and—

Did nothing at all.

“Maldito,” I groaned, nearly dropping the necklace on my face. “Why didn’t that work?”

I stared at the necklace, feeling the weight shift around again. Wish was still there. “What was it he said? Know what you’re asking for, right? I know what I’m asking for, I’m asking for the things I...”

“I forgot.” This time I let my arm drop beside me. “I don’t know what I want to remember. And if I don’t know then it won’t work.

“Stupid rules,” I moaned. Then I realized that I was staring up at not the sky but the purple barrier. “...Fine then.”

I held up the necklace one more time. “I wish that purple dome vanished.”

This time there was a reaction. The necklace started getting so heavy I actually had to put effort into not letting it hit my face. But, right as it began to glow ever so slightly, it stopped altogether.

I sighed. “Love to say I’m surprised.” The only reason I wasn’t was that using a conveniently placed wish on the biggest problem in sight sounded way too simple.

I debated whether or not to try wasting the wish on something I know would work, like summoning a sandwich, but that would be dumb. I wasn’t going to waste a wish.

Deciding to play it safe, I sat up and put the necklace around my neck before tucking it away under my shirt entirely.

Then, I picked myself out of the grass and made my way back to the crater where the golden crown was still laying nearby. If there were anymore of those memory color strips, they were all gone now. The crown was back to normal.

For now, I thought, tapping it with my shoe before scooping it up with one finger.

“I feel like I’m going to catch fire if I keep holding this thing,” I told myself. Still, it was in the same crater as Discord’s Wish Necklace. It’d be pretty stupid to leave it behind.

I glanced around for any sign of movement before trying to find a good place to pocket this thing. It was too bulky to fit in my pockets and it didn’t fold up. And I certainly wasn’t about to wear it around on my head either. On top of gold not being my thing, I didn’t know what would happen if I tried that.

Eventually I tucked it underneath my jacket where it wouldn’t fall out. It was uncomfortable but it would last until I found something to carry it in. Honestly, I should have been smart enough to bring a sack or something from the mansion before running out here. Who knows how many all-powerful necklaces of the gods I’m going to find.

With every valuable well and looted from the park, I decided to leave while I was ahead. If a Changeling spotted me all along in the middle of a park, no telling what their response would be. Not to mention lingering around Chaos Land felt like a death wish.

I weighed my options for a second before another round of laughter and cheering rang out from the direction of the carnival. I had already ran through half of the business part of town when I was with Queribin, and I passed over the other half before finding the necklaces.

It was either the residential or the carnival and either way meant I would need to walk through the carnival. Not much of a choice.

I steeled my nerves and put on my best smirk before starting towards the Ferris Wheel and big top ahead of me. Whatever was going on in that carnival, I just hoped it wasn’t cultists armed with ceremonial balloon daggers and face paint.

That’s a comforting thought, brain. Please stop. I dismissed the clown cult from my memory as soon as it arrived and pressed forward with spirits raised.

Author's Note:

Hey everyone, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!

Something I wanted to add, this chapter was actually late when it first came out since I had all 4 wisdom teeth pulled. It knocked me out for a while, and, as I was getting better, I got sick. Ugh...

I got better though and in my pain/sick brain, I somehow managed to imagine what a meeting with Discord is like. So, silver lining I guess?

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QotC: So we got a Discord Wish now. Shame it won't help with that memory problem. Still, it is limitless. What would you wish for?

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Well, with that all said, I'll see you in the next chapter!

Cheers,

-Zeke