Discord Teaches Philosophy: On Love

by CrackedInkWell

Lesson 6 (Part 1) - When to Leave

The next morning, students found Discord waiting at the door. In that stuffy hallway, while the beams of light were slowly baking inside, Discord guarded the door of his classroom. He stood there at attention in a blue uniform – a police officer’s – badge, hat, mirror sunglasses, and a baton. At first, he didn’t answer anyone who asked him what he was doing. Nor did he look at anyone but staired straight forward.

“What do you suppose he’s doing?” Gallus asked Twilight.

“Knowing him, his lessons tend to run on a theme.”

“So why the police getup?”

“That I’m not too sure on, but if I have to guess, it might have something to do with the law or prisons.”

“Which one do you think it could be?”

“Until he says something, none of us will know.” Turning to Gallus she asked, “So, how are things with you and Soarin?”

“Well, we haven’t exactly gone on a real date yet…”

“But?”

“We figured to wait until after these lessons are over to see if we should. I mean, given all the stuff that Discord has been saying about relationships. Of how hard they really are to maintain one and all that. It just makes me think if… if it’s worth it.”

Twilight sat down next to him. “From the way I see it, I don’t think Discord intended to discourage anyone from a relationship. Yes, plenty of stuff he’s covered showed in what ways it could go wrong – but I think there’s value in that too.”

“How?”

“Well… speaking as someone who has gone on a few dates here and there in the past, there’s plenty of things that I wish I knew beforehoof. Like I didn’t know about the psychology part of attraction, nor was I made aware of how much anyone could fall into its pitfalls. In a way, Discord telling us about the unspoken side of love is similar to my experience with learning magic. That they tell you upfront of the dangers, the common mistakes, and things to be made aware of. Not to give up on what you wanted to do altogether, but to help you be more prepared when or if these things do happen.

“Sure, maybe you both realized that there will be things that you’ll probably disagree over. Yet, what I think Discord is trying to do is to humble you both before things get serious. A reminder that since neither of you is going to be perfect, there are still many things that you’ll have to work on. Maybe this love thing, in the end, isn’t a gut feeling, but a skill. And like all skills, it can be learned.”

“So I’ve heard,” Gallus nodded, his eyes looking away. “I guess what I found hard about all of this is that there was so much that I didn’t know about. Just when I thought that something like love should be so simple, so easy, and finding out that there’s a lot more to it… Part of me makes me wonder if I ever could do it at all.”

“How do you think I feel?” Looking behind them, Soarin flew down the hall and landed with a trot over to them. “Sorry, what were you talking about?”

“Mr. Discord’s classes,” Gallus answered. “So, are you ready for the next horror show?”

“Not really if I’m being honest.” Soarin looked over to Discord, “How long has he been standing there?”

“Since we got here. I don’t think he’s moved for at least an hour or so.”

“Any idea what today’s lesson is about?”

“We were talking a little about that earlier,” Twilight said. “I don’t think any of us know.”

“Hey, did we miss anything?” The three of them turned to Sweetie Drops who with her wife came up from the other end of the hall.

“No, I think we’re still a bit early.” Soarin explained, “Do either of you know what the lesson is about?”

“Well, I think I might have a guess.” Lyra answered, “Have you noticed that the lessons have a cycle?” Twilight asked her to clarify that. “Think about it. First, it was to deal with being single, then dating, then being married, then finding out if someone’s cheating on you. So, what do you think comes next?”

It then dawned on them. “Breaking up,” Gallus answered.

“Righty-o!” Discord finally said before blowing into a pricing whistle, thus giving everyone’s attention. “Everycreature, get your partner, and line up! Because y’all are in for one doozy of a lesson.” He waited as his class paired up and stood in a line before the door. Once this was done, Discord started pacing, holding out his baton in a manner that almost threatens to hit someone. “Out of all the lessons I have to plan out, all the difficult truths to learn, and the hard knowledge to get across – this one not only takes the Quesada but the whole tortilla factory.

“I’m not going to lie, this lesson is gonna be painful for you soft sentimentalist. Today’s lesson will require you to do something mean from a certain perspective. But this is a skill that is so rarely taught. It is as agonizing as killing your best friend when asked to yet could prove life-saving for some.” He stopped to lower his mirror glasses. “I’m talking about the art of breaking up with your special someone.”

“Wait a minute,” Yona interjected. “Why teacher want to break us up? Sandbar and Yona happy.”

“Perhaps you are.” Discord snaked down to her eye-level. “And if you’re lucky, you may never need to use this lesson. But maybe, one day, you, your special pony, or anyone else here might find that the one they agreed to stay with makes them miserable on some level. There’s a wide spectrum in this ranging from all sorts of things. As extreme as hitting you, to having affairs, spending too many bits, or as something as being constantly absent to where they never show any sign of intimacy towards you for a long time.”

He began pacing again, “Countless couples everywhere may at one time in their relationship quietly question if they should stay or leave. Even if the couple never had a serious fight, they might hold anxious thoughts about if what they have really should all there be. Those poor suckers would stay as a couple for decades out of fear of harming the other in some way. This is why, for today’s lesson, I’m going to teach you how to break up in the most civil way possible. And what’s more,” he smirked, “some of you are going to do it – with your loved one.”

There was a chaotic chorus of couples that erupted in objections. Bursts of cries of “You can’t do that!” to “But I love…” and even “But I don’t want to break up!” echoed in the hallway.

It got to the point where Discord had to blow hard on his whistle to get them to shut up. “Call it cruel all you like,” he said, “but for some of you, I’m actually doing a favor. As I said, some of you may not use today’s lesson, but for others, you’ll be thankful for knowing how and when to do something that could save your well-being and your life.

“Now,” Discord snapped a talon and the classroom door opened; the scent of the salty sea breathed through. “Forward march.”

The class, two by two, entered through the door and walked onto a bare, rocky island. As soon as they passed through the doorframe, they felt the heat had intensified, the humidity in the air helped to feel as if they stepped into an oven. The sandy slab of stone they walked on had only a few things – fifteen steel hoops that have been hammered into the ground, a lawn chair with a rainbow umbrella, and a fan. Above them was a naked sky that the sun looked down in an intense stare. All around them was an ocean without any hint of land that stretched as far as the eye could see.

When the last group of students entered, Discord stood guard at the door but didn’t close it. “See those hoops?” He pointed out, “With your partner, walk over to one of them.”

“Is there a point in all of this?” Ms. Harshwhinny questioned.

“Yes, stand over there with your partner, and you’ll see.”

Fifteen couples walked over to one of the metal hoops in the ground.

When they were in place, Discord smiled, “I figured that for this lesson,” he told his students, “I like to play a game.” Before any of them could make a move, he snapped again.

“Wait, game?” Starlight walked forward a few steps, “What ga- owe!” She suddenly tripped onto her face. “What the?” She looked and found that on her hindleg, she was shackled to a chain that went through the hoop and linked over to Trixie who she too had fallen over.

The other couples looked down to find that they were shackled together in the same way. By the hindleg, and the cuff was wrapped around tightly that they couldn’t pull away. But what raised much concern, however, was that there was no lock to help free themselves with.

“Now that I have your attention,” Discord walked away from the door and lay down in the chair, turning on the fan. “Allow me to explain the game.”

“Discord, what did you do!” Princess Twilight demanded, her horn lighting up but finding that regardless of what spells she cast, it did not affect the cuff, the chain, nor the steel hoop.

“Well I was about to tell you how to get out of it, but if you insist on struggling ‘til Dooms Day, I can wait.”

Twilight sighed, “Okay, fine, what are we doing?”

“I’m so glad you asked,” Discord then conjured up a mango smoothy with a straw. “The thing is, every one of you already has the key to get out of your predicament. If anything, you just have to say the magic words, and you go free.” After taking a sip, he pointed to the open door, “In fact, when you do this right, you and your buddy are excused for the rest of the day. But until then, you just need to figure out what to say to your partner.”

“Mr. Discord,” Ocellus raised her hoof, “What exactly are we supposed to say?”

“For now, I’ll give you a hint,” after another sip he said, “What do you need to say and do to break up with your special somecreature? Get it right, and both of you go free.”

“Now hang on,” Applejack finally spoke up, “are ya tellin’ us that the only way ta get out of this,” she held up the chain, “is ta have a big fight?”

“No, did you pay attention to what this lesson is about? This lesson is about how to break up civilly. Take as long as you need to figure out what you need to do, and more importantly, what to say to someone you love, that it’s over?” Another sip of his smoothy, he added. “Of course, this break up doesn’t need to be for real. But think of what you need to do to get out of a relationship that’s keeping you chained down. Literally in this case.”

Twilight frowned, “Discord, why do I get the feeling that you could undo these chains at any time.”

“Oh, I could,” he said with another sip, “but if I did, you wouldn’t learn a thing. For now, all I can do is offer advice to hopefully nudge you guys to get yourselves out of there. But that’s as far as I’ll go. If you wanna be free, you’d gotta do it yourself. You can’t expect to rely on anyone else to help get you out of the situation your in.” Laying back on the folded-up lounge chair, he kicked pack and turned the fan up. “Let’s see who gets out last.”

---

For the next half an hour in the baking sun, Discord watched as his students tried everything, they could think of to get out of their shackles and chains. Smolder tried to use her fire to melt the chains. Rainbow Dash and Applejack tried to pull in the opposite directions in the hope to break off a weak link. Troubleshoes used whatever strength he had to try to pull the steel loop out from the ground. Sweetie Drops and Lyra thought that by arguing about whatever came to mind that they could pull away. While Cadence and Shining Armor tried to use every insult they could think of in hopes that they could be freed (this one surprised some of the students, even Twilight commented “Do you kiss mom with that mouth?”).

Yet, these efforts yielded no results.

The other couples sat there in the sun, sweating in the heat, watching the others as they struggled with their chains.

Among them, the Riches sat there, watching.

“You do know that out of everyone here,” Spoiled commented, “we probably have more than enough reasons to separate than anyone.” Filthy didn’t respond. “Right?”

“Spoiled,” Filthy said, “Do you know that I have been thinking about this for a long time?”

“So?”

He sighed, “I have made my fair share of difficult choices in the past. From who to associate with to deciding if so-and-so is worth firing over. Yes, I have even dated in the past before I met you. Trust me, I turned them down for good reasons… Yet this one… The whole idea of I should stay or leave… it has haunted me for a long time. Often, I wondered if it is a good idea to do so. What would Diamond think? The family? Our peers? Would I be causing more harm than good? Would I be able to find someone after this?”

Spoiled snorted, “The trouble with you is that you’re too sentimental.”

“I am not!”

“She might actually have a point.” Discord commented after a sip of his smoothy.

“In what?” Filthy questioned.

“That may be, the reason that you haven’t divorced already is because you want to be nice – even at a personal cost. Yet, outside of that,” Discord took a moment to refill his glass with a smoothy machine that he pulled out from the ground. “This anxiety of yours is understandable. Despite breakups being more common now than ever, just thinking about the decision gives a degree of existential loneliness. Something that is historically and culturally recent.”

“What does that mean?” Spoiled asked.

“Well, once upon a time, the choice was easier because there were simply so many strict reasons for not leaving. Religions would insist that their gods would blessed unions and be enraged that they ever broke up. Societies used to be strongly disapproved of breakups and cast separating parties into decades of humiliation and shame if they did. Psychologists, back when they got started, would explain to couples that children would be deeply and permanently scarred by divorce. But, one by one, these objections to quitting have fallen away; religions no longer terrify anyone into staying; modern society doesn’t care, and psychologists now routinely tell parents that children would prefer to have a broken family to an unhappy one. So, the burden of choice falls squarely on those making it.

“But of course, there’s a little problem with that too.” After taking a big sip from his smoothy to where his head froze into an ice-cube except for his mouth, he explained: “Now the decision comes down to how we feel about it. Even then it’s difficult because our moods can shift and change. Yet, the temptation to leave follows the idea that if we parted, we could be happier with someone else. However, it might be worth asking yourself a few things.”

“Like what?” Filthy tilted his head while raising an eyebrow.

“The best way to really look to see if you should leave is to take a mental step back and ask yourself if all the misery you’re experiencing is because of your spouse, or despite it.”

“I don’t know if I follow it.”

“Here,” after getting a hammer from hyperspace to shatter the ice around his head, Discord sat forward. “To help you out, let me ask you nine important questions that you need to consider.”

“Okay. That being what?”

“First, how much of your unhappiness can be honestly credited to your spouse; and how much might it, as you may risk finding out five years and multiple bad exes later, turn out to be an unavoidable feature of living anywhere close to anyone else?”

“This I got to hear,” Spoiled crossed her forelegs. “Well?”

Filthy sat there for a long minute in deep thought. “You really want the truth? Well, you’re not gonna like it.”

“Compared to the past several days? I beg to differ.”

“Okay, you asked for it. Ever since we said, ‘I do,’ that I really began to learn what kind of pony you are. Now I can blame you for a lot of stuff, but if we want to get down to the nitty-gritty, well here it is. You make me unhappy because you saw me as nothing more than a black checkbook, one that if at the end of the month I come up short despite how hard I work and pay taxes, I end up getting blamed for not doing enough. That I feel embarrassed to know that you use the family name to manipulate power on the school board just to make yourself look good – my pappy would’ve been ashamed if I did what you have been doing. That despite how close I want to get to you, I feel unwanted because you try to avoid me any chance you get. Not to mention that I dread coming home after work because, despite everything, you find nothing to be grateful for, or never satisfied with anything, even if I bend over backward into a pretzel to get it for you.

“Now I get that it’s clear by now that regardless who I end up dating again will never truly make me happy, but not everyone out there would be so greedy and have such a snobbish attitude that, frankly, I could live without. I’d rather spend fifty years in a hut than spend another hour in a mansion with someone like you in it.”

“Very good,” Discord commented. “And before you go murdering your husband, Spoiled, he needs to answer up with a follow-up.”

“And what’s that?” The couple asked.

“So Filthy, although it is, of course, her fault, what in the smallest way might it be difficult for others to live around you?”

“I…” Filthy trailed off, blinking. “I don’t think I’ve ever thought of it before.”

“No big shock.” Spoiled rolled her eyes.

“I know you want to answer it for him,” Discord said, “but let him think about it first.”

Another long minute that Filthy thought about the question in which he answered. “Well if we’re gonna talk about what my flaws are, I guess that I might be… boring. I tend to work obsessively. A pony pleaser with a lack of a backbone to those I genuinely care about. To a degree clingy. I’m (disagreeably) too conservative when it comes to money. Also, I may or may not need to make sure that certain things need to be for the world as I see it doesn’t collapse on me. And at times I might make decisions around money that in hindsight doesn’t make sense.”

“You’re only scratching the surface,” Spoiled muttered.

“Good, good,” Discord nodded. “Now consider the annoying traits in all previous exes you’ve had, along with the exes you’ve known that your wife used to date. So, with this in mind, what do you manage not to fight about?

The Riches looked at one another. “Our Exes?” Spoiled questioned.

“In other words, what was it with them that you couldn’t stand, but with your spouse you did?”

“I…” Spoiled paused, her eyes aimed at the floor but dashed as if looking for something. “You know, I never thought of it before. Most of my Exes were liars, scam artists, debtors, or never shared my finer tastes in life. Just stallions who boast yet have nothing to show for it. But Filthy was different when he says that he owns a business, a mansion with servants, and a fortune – he meant it. I went with him from the start because I was so sick of being lied to.” She eyed her husband with a glare, “Ironic, isn’t it?”

“What ev…” Filthy rolled his eyes, but he caught sight of the chain. Lifting the cuff, he saw that the chain was rusting. That wasn’t there before. It suddenly dawned on him. “Everyone! Stop! I figured it out!”

“Figured what out?” Trixie questioned.

“How to get ourselves out of these things.” He rattled his chain, “The only way out is to speak the truth.”

“Bravo, Filthy,” Discord applauded, “The truth will set you free is a cliché, but if it helps erodes relationships you’re stuck in, it works.”

Spoiled hummed in thought, “So what’s the next question, we’ve answered three of them; and you said there were nine.”

“Ah yes.” Discord nodded, “Look back at the more recent crushes you’ve had, do you honestly think that if you got to know them better – bad sides included – you could have a better marriage with them?”

“Yes,” both Riches said without giving it a thought.

“Next question then.” Discord leaned back in his lounge chair, crossing his hind legs. “Think back to when you thought about your ideal spouse. That they’re nice, or smart, or exciting, or whatever. Now, for those who are single out there, how many can you really say that you’ll be able to run into them on the street or in the office?”

“Well, I…” Filthy began but trailed off. “Uh…” his mind drew a blank. “Well, I don’t know anyone that’s like what I had hoped for, personally. I don’t know how many ponies in town are like that.”

“Are you saying that because you happen to know every single pony in town, or are you saying that because you never bother to say hello to anyone who is nice, smart, or exciting?”

“No c’mon, that’s not fair.”

“Is it?” Discord questioned. “The same could be said for everyone else. That you say you want to be with someone nice, but the moment you do so, it just feels… icky, weird, and something you don’t want to be around. No one has ever pointed out that you’re seeking for someone that feels familiar, so you are drawn to the creeps without thinking about why.” He stopped for a moment to sip on his smoothy, “But we’re getting off track.”

“How about asking us something useful?” Spoiled said dryly.

“You asked for it! Have either of you tried to have a serious conversation with your spouse without accusing them of nastiness to explain calmly how sad you feel over a few things?”

“Only recently,” Spoiled answered, “within these past few days in fact.”

Filthy nodded, “Not gonna lie, since that marriage lesson, I was finally able to say a lot of things that I kept at bay for a long time. Sure, we had our arguments before, but up until recently, we never had sat down and actually listened without screaming.”

“It’s not like we could have done it before.” Spoiled pointed out. “Why didn’t you try to sit me down for this?”

“Again, I tried. Several times. So why didn’t you reach out?” Filthy’s wife didn’t respond. He shook his head and added, “But you want to know why I didn’t want a divorce earlier? I did it for Diamond because, for a long time, I was worried about how she might take it. And knowing how you influenced her, I often wonder if us separating might make things worse for her.”

“Which leads me to my next question.” Discord announced, “And this one goes for anyone who happens to have foals. How would you really have felt that, as a foal, you grew up having two bedrooms, two stepparents, and maybe a few half-siblings – would going through that be better compared to what you and your child are living in now?”

“Well I don’t know about you,” Spoiled commented, “I probably would have found it a privilege.”

Filthy blinked, “You think so? Why?”

“I never thought about it but… if my parents were divorced when I was growing up and we lived in two houses – I would have had twice the things that any child I knew would have. Having two bedrooms, getting extra presents from stepparents on my birthday, and Hearths Warming.”

Filthy hummed, “There’s a grain of truth on that. But if it happened to me when I was a colt, I suppose I’d rather live in a broken family where my parents are happier, than to live in one that wasn’t.” Looking down at his chains, he saw how more corroded they became. The chains have rusted so much that they looked brittle. Yet, with a tug, it was still strong enough to keep them in place. “Alright, ask another.”

Discord at this point was refilling his smoothy, “Very well, but I have to warn you, this one can get rather… personal.”

“You mean it hasn’t already?” Filthy deadpanned.

“How normal is it really for any couple anywhere to have fantastic sexy times for longer than two years?”

“Excuse me!” both Riches asked in shock, their cheeks turning red.

“I mean, be honest with yourselves here. Think back to those exciting days where you try to get it on as often as you could – how long did that last?”

“Now, now,” Filthy replied flustering, “there’s no need to ask something so pers-”

“Five months,” Spoiled interrupted. “And frankly, that was plenty enough for me.”

“Spoiled!”

“C’mon, it’s was also partly why you cheated on me, wasn’t it? Well, forgive me if getting railed every night isn’t appealing to me unlike everyone else.”

“Actually… not really.” Now the class had turned to Mr. Cake who spoke up. “I don’t know about the rest of you, but if I’m being honest here, we haven’t done it since the twins were born. But even before then, it was still a once in a blue moon sort of thing.”

“It’s kinda the reason why we’re here,” Applejack commented, “We used to go at it every night for a year and a half until we weren’t anymore.”

“Nowadays,” Lyra added, “it’s reserved for a few occasions a year.”

“Wait so…” Filthy said with a dawning realization, “you’re all saying that since you got married, you didn’t do it often after two years?” Their murmurs confirmed it.

“And lastly,” Discord spoke up to ring everyone else back in, “Would you rather have hope that things would improve with your current relationship that isn’t going anywhere but you’re familiar with it, or risk gaining new experience with a different kind of unhappiness that might be unknown to you?”

There was a moment where the Riches looked at each other with a raised eyebrow. After a beat, Filthy said, “I’d rather take the risk.”

“Me too,” Spoiled waved a hoof, the one that she was chained to, in which it broke. The couple looked down at their shriveled-up chain, seeing it and their cuffs rust and dissolve into powder. Rubbing the dust off, Spoiled got up, “I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m going home to some proper air conditioning.”

“And I got some lawyers to reach out,” Filthy got up and, turning to the rest of the class said, “Just tell the truth, and everyone else should be out in no time. Hopefully, we’ll see you all tomorrow.”

“Oh hey! That reminds me,” Discord waved over to them. With his tale, he summoned a typewriter that wrote itself on purple paper. At lightning speed, the typewriter crafted out two pages in which Discord handed over to them. “Here, have a souvenir from today’s lesson.”

The couple looked at what it said:

Discord’s Recipe for Getting Divorced

Ingredients:

⁃ Two individuals with challenging foalhoods that are stuffed with an unreliable, reckless, or scary family who never try to think about, understand or digest what they’ve gone through.

⁃ Both be strongly romantic in nature, looking for “the one” (an angel in earthly form) in hopes that they would understand and heal the broken bits of them. The kind that they would dismiss healthy emotional creatures who they declare to be boring.

⁃ Both need to be self-righteous that’s been marinated in the belief they are perfect in every way to the point that criticism is seen as an attack on them.

⁃ Have high expectations of each other and the relationship that their partner can and will do everything.

⁃ A lack of communication skills, believing that the love of their life is secretly a mind-reader.

Step 1:

Combine psychologically damaged individuals together, careful not to be tainted by self-examination of their past, nor be near a marriage therapist.

Step 2:

Spend a lot of money on a huge wedding, heavily seasoned with planning on setting arrangements to the color of flowers. Have the most extravagant honeymoon, make it as perfect of a day as both can muster. Save half a cup and reside it for later.

Step 3:

Have the couple be around each other for at minimum, two years. During this time as they stir up tension, make sure that neither of them calmly talk about what’s annoying them, and instead develop habits such as drinking or chopping wood. Keep stirring until they believe that their unhappiness is abnormal, and life for others is problem-free. Then fold in on their insistence and keen on identifying their spouses’ wrongdoings but never let them identify their own. Keep folding until they become experts of the other’s flaws. Never let them take responsibility nor change when they point them out.

Step 4:

Once this is mixed up, return the memory of the happiest day of their lives into the mix. Let it sink in how far the relationship has fallen. Let them compare their everyday experience with ideal representations in the media of “happy couples.” Sprinkle in any opportunity to point out that their spouse is aging while blaming them for “not taking enough care for themselves.” You may want to identify more attractive folks in the street that you might be happier with - point them out to your spouse. Let them compare their fading sex life to the most unrealistic scenarios in porn.

Step 5:

Over high heat, have children. Feel free to pick apart the more disappointing characteristics from them, and attribute them to the faults of the other spouse - and their family. Stir to a simmer until they can pick out the more irritating quirks of the other around the kitchen table and bathroom. Let the relationship be a reminder of the burden it has on your career.

Step 6 (Optional):

For additional flavor, take out your anger, disappointment, and soul-crushing loneliness out into an affair. Add liberty and stir.

Step 7:

Taking off the heat, let it cool by arguing zealously that this divorce thing is an accident, that it means nothing, and the children won’t mind. (Note: Never talk to children about the subject, nor console them that they had nothing to do with this decision.) Get a divorce. Remarry, season it with tears. Ready to serve.

Step 8:

Repeat again from step 1.

“Gee… Thanks…” Filthy Rich said with a frown.

With that, Filthy followed his soon-to-be-ex-wife out the door.

Discord summoned another fan, all he had to do now, was wait.

Comments

[Theresa]

The advice about the kids was wrong. The fact is many kids play the blame myself for the divorce and talking about it with them is better in the long run because the longer it takes to talk about it means only more pain especially if they can't live their lives separately civilly. If there were no kids they could go their separate ways and never have to speak to each other again but with a kid there will be times where they share custody or have to talked about the things concerning the kids like grades or health care issues.

[CrackedInkWell]

10808447
Objection.

I do have to ask, where exactly did you get that impression from? Because the thing is, I actually do agree with you. But I have to step back and ask where exactly did you think I was saying that?

If by chance it was from Discord's recipe for getting a divorce, please understand that is not - I repeat - not advice. If anything, the recipe that was laid out is part satire and part showing how these divorces happen in the first place. Especially when things go horribly wrong. If anything, this is more of what not to do.