5 Times Sunset Spilled Her Heart Out To Her Journal

by LunaEclipsed15

Regrets

Pinkie’s bedroom was bright and loud, and so insanely Pinkie it was almost physically painful.

The girls had insisted on having a sleepover. They said that it was essential in truly experiencing friendship, or something like that. Pinkie was never one to let a party slip through her fingers, and so here Sunset sat, on the floor of Pinkie’s bedroom surrounded by sugary snacks and five girls who she had wronged the most.

This whole thing, all of it, the friendship and the sleepover and all of it left a bad taste in Sunset’s mouth. She loved it, she really did. She loved having friends and not feeling so alone all the time, but with these girls, Sunset just felt uneasy.

She had hurt them terribly. They should be mad at her and never want to be friendly to her ever again. But here they were, insisting she come to their sleepover and enjoy herself rather than spend another cold night out in that old abandoned warehouse she called home. Of course, they didn’t know about her living conditions, and Sunset didn’t intend for them to find out, but it was the principle of the thing.

Sunset was curled up in the corner by the window, watching everyone else around the room. Fluttershy was watching cat videos with Rarity. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were going head-to-head in a game of Extreme Heist Vehicle and Applejack had gone to pick up the pizza the girls had ordered. Everyone was happy and having a good time. Sunset sighed, reaching for her duffle bag to find her journal.

November 1st,

Today the girls are throwing a sleepover. Pinkie said I needed to learn what a real party was. I’ve been to parties in Equestria, and they are far from this. Everything was always clean and proper and very fancy, not chaotic and messy like Pinkie Pie’s bedroom floor as we all sit around in our pajamas.

I still don’t know how we’re all friends. I hurt them all in countless ways, yet they still all want to be my friend.

I regret it all terribly. The sabotage, the bullying, the turning into a giant she-demon and trying to take over the world. Okay, so maybe one of those is not like the others but that doesn’t matter! I’m still sorry for it all the same!

I wish people could see that I’m trying. When I try to help, everyone pushes me away. Sometimes I get lucky and they humor me, let me help them with whatever just to get some free labor. I really don’t mind it. I deserve it.

But the girls, they’re always so nice and cheery and always talking about CHS’s latest trend or fail that went viral among the student body. I can never keep up.

You know, for the first two weeks after the fall formal, I avoided them at all costs. I did everything I could to stay out of their way. But then what was just tnamecalling and mean remarks floating around the school about me turned into actual physical violence, and I flocked to the girls for safety. Call me a coward, call me weak, but I don’t care. Sure, I deserved it, but there’s only so many excuses I could use at the soup kitchen for why I had a black eye or a busted lip after school everyday.

Now everyone has sorta just accepted that I’m not going to shove them into a locker or take their lunch money, but they still don’t like me. I honestly don’t blame them.

Being a bully never made me feel good. It just made me feel lonely and sad. I never had anyone to talk to or to cheer me up when I was upset, which was almost always. I always felt disconnected from all the other students, having no group to fit in with and nobody who would even give me a chance.

A lot of times, people at school ask me why I did it, why I became mean. I always give the same answer. “I wanted power in another world so I tried to take over this one.”

While that’s a big part of it, the real reason is a lot more complex. You see, I wasn't a bully immediately upon coming to the human world. I started off as just a scared and lonely thirteen year old. I had nobody to look after me, nowhere to live and barely survived on the dropped pocket change I found on the sidewalks and the occasional wallet I could pickpocket.

I had to fake a lot of papers to get into CHS. I was able to pull it off though, Principal Celestia never looked at the documents too hard, or maybe she knew what was going on and just felt bad for me. After some negotiating and a heaping handful of well put together lies, I talked her into getting me into the free lunch program. That’s still what I live off to this day. I never really eat more than the salads and fruit I have at school. As a vegetarian, CHS doesn’t have a lot of options. No matter how hungry I am though I am not going to eat an animal that in my world is sentient.

I became a bully because it kept people from finding out too much about me. They only knew all I wanted them to know and that was it. They couldn’t find out about my situation, I would become the laughing stock of the school for sure. It didn’t matter though, I was just here to bide my time until I could go back to Equestria and take over.

We all saw how that blew up in my face.

I feel so bad for the way I treated everyone, especially Flash. He was just a nice guy who wanted to get to know me better and give me some sort of friend, and all I did was take advantage of and use him. I wish sometimes that i could take it all back, that I could find a way to make up for all I did to him, but I just don’t know how.

I just hope that someday everyone I hurt cna forgive me, and that someday soon I can forgive myself. It hurts, to not be able to forgive yourself. To have to keep all the pain of that to yourself hurts even worse. But I shoulder it, because I deserve it, I really really do. No matter how much I try to make up for it, the demon and my actions will always hover over me, I just know it.

But I hope it gets better, for everyone’s sake.

- Sunset Shimmer

Sunset set down her journal and looked up to the clock. She had been writing for almost fifteen minutes, surprisingly. It had only felt like five. She guessed she had just gotten lost in her words.

The girls all heard Big Mac’s truck pulling into the Pinkie’s driveway as he returned with Applejack and their pizza. All the girls stopped what they were doing to listen to Applejack bid her brother a goodbye and walk up to the door, listening to the sounds of Big Mac’s truck tires squelching along the wet pavement as he pulled away.

Pinkie ran to get the room for her friend, throwing down her controller and racing through the halls to the front door. She then came racing back after a few minutes.

“Pizza’s here!” Her high pitched voice rang in Sunset’s ears, her sing-song tone much too loud for Sunset. All the girls set down their stuff and followed Pinkie out to the kitchen besides Sunset. She reached down and picked up her journal again, carefully sliding it back into her bag.

Just then Rainbow Dash poked her head in through the open bedroom door.

“Yo Sunny, you coming?” she asked.

Sunset was almost taken aback by the nickname, but didn’t acknowledge it. She nodded and stood up, following the rainbow-haired girl into the kitchen along with the others.

Comments

[ForNeverMore20]

Oh dear…