Chapter Twenty-Seven: Rocky Road
Toxic let out a tired mumble, yawning as he shifted on the foam pad. Aside from feeling like death, he was ready to tackle the day.
Ok, that was a straight up lie. The stallion’s body was aching all over, and he couldn’t even open his eyes yet. It was like every cell under his skin had tumbled off a surfboard and directly into a gravel pit.
Repeatedly.
Gelliana had informed him of what had happened the previous day; before he had quickly fallen asleep again. The SMAL calmly then informed both of them what residual magic was left in Toxic’s body along with the poisons.
The idea of having Chaos energy in conjunction with poison in his blood wasn’t a comforting thought. But that explained how the stuff was so crazy. It also raised a lot of questions, especially since Discord was supposed to be the curator of the stuff.
Chaos magic as a booster to a poison. You get a bunch of random things I imagine. Well, at least my liver didn’t turn into a potato.
He then recalled a certain story by Shifting, the stallion letting out a huff.
Or a shrimp.
Apparently, the majority of the magic had been removed by Clari’s sister (Toxic was still wrapping his head around that one,) but that only meant he wasn’t about to dissolve into a puddle of arcane sludge. The poison was still very much present, but the magic restrictor on Toxic’s horn seemed to be slowing the effects to a manageable level.
Just like with Pick. It feeds off of magic.
From what Toxic could gather, with the majority of the Chaos magic gone, it was now up to his body to deal with the lingering traces of it, along with the bulk of the actual poison. That, of course, didn’t sound exciting at all.
Why this new entity decided to wait all this time for him to be miserable, Toxic wasn’t sure, but figured it had to do with the various ‘threads’ that Clari mentioned. Gelliana wasn’t taking that explanation too well, however, and Toxic suspected that if said entity decided to visit them again, she’d hit first and wait for an explanation later.
The SMAL was still analyzing the scans it had taken of him the previous day, compiling a more detailed prognosis, and Gelliana had been doing something. He wasn’t entirely sure; the stallion hadn’t been able to speak to her much before falling asleep.
Gells…
Toxic forced his eyes open; a struggle in and of itself. It felt like he hadn’t slept a wink, but seeing a bit of light aided him in pushing aside the exhaustion. It was the sort of weariness one had during the feather-flu, or the non-Pegasus version of it.
Everything in the shelter was organized, at least more so than it had been a day or two ago. But what drew Toxic’s attention was the gryphoness at his side. Slumbering peacefully, Gelliana was curled up right next to the elevated dirt ‘bed’, yawning as a soft chime echoed from the SMAL unit.
“Wake-up alarm as you requested, Gelliana,” the unit said, then blinking in surprise and walking over to Toxic. “Excellent. You are awake, Director. How are you feeling?”
“Like I lost a fight with a bugbear,” Toxic said, forcing himself up- or at least to lean against the wall in a half-upright motion.
“Scanning, stand-”
“Tox!”
The unicorn let out a half-yelp half-wince as Gelliana hopped up and wrapped the stallion up in a hug.
“Gently,” he grunted, the gryphoness letting out a tearful giggle at that.
“Is that another Queen Betrothed quote?”
The fact Toxic nodded but promptly *thudded* none-to-gently against the wall as Gelliana released him made the gryphoness’s eyes widen.
“OH! Sorry! I…”
“I’m happy to see you too, Gells,” Toxic chuckled softly. “And it is both a quote and a statement of my current condition. Can’t really move that much.”
“Understandable. You are still combatting the effects of the poison in your blood,” SMAL reported, “I do not have an estimated time when you will be free of it. It does not appear to be permanent, however. The majority of the magical field surrounding the toxins has inexplicitly vanished. This should make the process more straightforward.”
“That would be our mystery mare’s doing I suppose,” Toxic mused, Gelliana nodding, still holding back apparent tears. To that end, the stallion forced himself to move (more like flop,) over, draping his forelimbs around Gelliana’s shoulders.
“This is the best hug I can give right now,” the pony admitted, Gelliana sniffling as she did the rest of the work, much more gently wrapping him back up in her arms.
“Hey, I’ll take it. I’m just happy you’re back. You were gone for a while, before waking up last time.”
“I what?”
“You had a similar reaction to the toxins as Gelliana. CPR and defibrillation were necessary,” SMAL clarified.
“That explains why my chest aches,” Toxic mumbled, then paused on feeling Gelliana shudder. “Hey, you ok?”
Gelliana’s response was to just tighten her hold, forcing her breathing to slow down a bit. The two of them certainly hadn’t showered in days, but she didn’t care; he was here, and ok.
“A silly question, I guess. I know that must have been scary; I’m doing alright though,” Toxic whispered.
“Is this how you felt? When I was the one lying there”
Gelliana’s soft reply made Toxic think, the pony finally nodding.
“Scared. Helpless, and then just grateful you woke up.”
A simple nod into the pony’s shoulder, Gelliana still not about to let go, but she was relaxing slightly. She reached over to rub her cheek against Toxic’s, then resting in the crook of his shoulder and neck.
“I can’t lose you.”
Toxic almost missed those words, barely audible but trembling with emotion. He hugged the gryphoness back as best he could.
There was only one thing he could say to that, a simple, single word whispered out before his throat closed up.
“Same.”
As he rested in her embrace, Toxic couldn’t help but notice something was different. The way Gelliana had spoken, even how she hugged him; he couldn’t explain it. There was a different type of sincerity to it all, something deeper. The kiss from before he most certainly remembered, even if it was brief. So, something had indeed changed; but to say he liked it was an understatement.
“Something changed, huh?” Toxic asked softly after a few minutes. “Not that I want to interrupt our technically first ever but definitely not last cuddling time.”
A soft ‘eep’ was Gelliana’s response, Toxic feeling her feathers fluff against his face and chest.
The fact she didn’t immediately pull away was enough of an answer for him though. Something was up.
He couldn’t resist. Humor in a time of obvious stress had its advantages.
“Can I guess? Hmm, well, are you pregnant?”
Gelliana pushed him away slightly with a sputter, feathers fluffing out at near right angles as the stallion laughed. It hurt, but so worth it. The playful if not utterly surprised sparkle in Gelliana’s eyes made it doubly so.
“W-what?! I’ve never- we’ve never…”
She then pouted, or at least tried to. Toxic reached, or rather, flopped a hoof over to give her nearest claws a squeeze.
“Sorry. I couldn’t resist,” he admitted. “You are really cute when trying to pout but utterly fail, just like that. The blush too.”
Mission: make my special somegriff a stammering blushing mess where she can forget about stressful things.
Mission accomplished.
Somehow the gesture made Gelliana tear up again, the gryphoness managing a smile now.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “And you are right though, about something changing.”
“Oh?”
“Just,” she paused, eyes flickering to the ground. “There’s just a lot I want to talk about with you. Nothing bad, all good.”
“Well, considering I am having trouble moving, I don’t think that’s going to be an issue,” Toxic admitted. “We probably should stay here unt-”
“Unknown gases detected,” SMAL reported, popping into existence abruptly and making Toxic jerk in surprise. “Shields holding. Concentrations at ten parts per million and rising. Data available for display.”
“Help me up, please,” Toxic asked abruptly, leaning on Gelliana as he tottered over to the SMAL’s crystal core.
“What in the world,” he muttered, examining a projected readout of the gas. “I have no idea what this is. Why does the structure keep changing?”
“It has the same mutagenic properties as the poison in your blood,” SMAL reported. “Best hypothesis is that you received a concentrated dose of what was meant to be an aerosolized agent.”
Toxic’s ears drooped, the stallion nodding weakly.
“I don’t like the fact I agree with that analysis, but it makes sense. So, more chaos magic?”
“Correct. Parts per million are holding steady at fifty-seven. The onset was abrupt, suggesting an aided dispersal. Without additional monitoring stations I cannot determine the spread or source.”
“Can you investigate outside our shelter please? Are we being targeted, or is this everywhere?” Toxic asked, then used his magic to examine the shielding runes. “Also, please scout to the limit of your range to see if we are even close to the edge of the suppression field. If there’s another suitable shelter, we probably need to move there.”
“I can do so. I will activate my stealth subroutines.”
“Good. Are the shields holding?”
“Due to the data received about potential Chaos magic, I adjusted the shield to compensate for such, at least as best I can. No failure is anticipated in three hundred simulated trials for the shields, and two hundred filtration trials for the provided mask filters. It is in a particulate form, propelled and held in an aerosolized state by unknown means. Ground water samples from the underground stream here indicate zero traces. I will take a sample of a stream exposed to the air during the mission.”
Toxic shrugged his shoulders, heading back to the elevated bed, the stallion grunting as he flopped back down.
“Well, go and scout please and let us know,” he directed, the SMAL vanishing with a soft *pop*.
“So, there’s a gas outside then?” Gelliana asked, her voice quavering slightly.
“Yup. If you can please go to that second crate from the left, you will find a set of heavy respirators. Can you bring two of them over here? I’ll show you how to assemble them,” Toxic said calmly, voice steady and sure as Gelliana walked over. He wasn’t a fool; despite the levity from earlier, an invisible and possibly deadly gas would make anyone’s fears ignite into overdrive, and logically so.
He went through how to put on the respirator multiple times, change the filters, how often, and so forth. After a few practice runs, the stallion nodded in approval, trying to inject a bit of levity into their clearly-precarious situation.
“Still cute in a mask,” he said with a smile, Gelliana taking off the piece of gear with a roll of her eyes.
“Now you’re just buttering me up.”
“Just looking out for my special somegriff,” Toxic admitted. “I’m used to this sort of thing, you aren’t. If I can help you feel even a bit safer, I want to.”
Shaking her head in almost disbelief, Gelliana sniffled at his words.
“You are too much of a gentlecolt, Toxic,” she said softly. “And I do appreciate it. But oddly enough, it’s starting to feel almost normal. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.”
“Probably a little of both,” Toxic replied, “just acclimating to the ‘new normal’ of our situation. But, fact of the matter is that we’re safe, and even if the shields fail, we can use the masks. Just keep them within reach, and we’ll be good.”
Gelliana nodded, settling down next to the bed.
“Just another day in paradise?” she asked.
“Gells, when you’re here, every day is-mMF!” Toxic’s voice was muffled by a claw that pressed against his lips, Gelliana shaking her head as she tried not to laugh.
“You are impossible.”
“MmmHMMM!” Toxic replied, the claw then being released as he grinned. “And for the record, that was not said to purposefully distract you.”
“Yeah, I figured. You have these moments of maximum cheesiness,” the gryphoness replied, not able to keep the smile off her face. “Not that I mind in the slightest.”
The adoring look on Toxic’s face made Gelliana blush, not that the stallion could help it.
“If I was feeling better, I’d ask for a refresher concerning that reason you gave for me to wake up,” he teased with a grin, still struggling to sit upright.
“Reason…oh…OH!”
Toxic was fairly certain Gelliana would be blushing all day with how pink her cheeks were, her feathers once again at full-fluff.
He loved that look.
“Seriously though, I’d say to be at that point of a relationship isn’t taking things too fast at all,” Toxic said, toning down the teasing a bit. “And I mean that.”
A simple nod was Gelliana’s reply, words apparently sticking in her beak.
“It’s a date?” Toxic suggested, another nod and shy smile being Gelliana’s reply. It was easy to forget that the gryphoness was rather shy; she had just opened up with him so much.
And rather sensitive, despite handing things rather well.
“What do you say to some crosswords?” he suggested, then not able to suggest a grin. “And then maybe reading something?”
The glare from Gelliana was well worth the fact the blush appeared permanent, the unicorn levitating the appropriate supplies out of the open crate.
“And yes, I am trying to turn you into a happy puffball.”
The unicorn was left gasping for breath at the attempted pout Gelliana plastered on her face, feathers fluffed up as she glared at her special somepony.
Obviously, she didn’t complain.
A few hours later, the literary activities having wound down, Toxic reached over and prodded Gelliana’s shoulder with a hoof.
“You seem a bit distracted.”
She nodded, letting a frustrated huff.
“It’s about that entity; Clari’s sister you said,” she admitted. “I don’t know why you are ok with what she did.”
Toxic’s head tilted to the side in curiosity.
“Hmm?”
“She used you, and manipulated me.”
The stallion’s mouth widened into an ‘oh’ expression, the pony nodding as his brow furrowed.
“I can see how it might appear that way…and maybe she did,” he admitted. “You know how I feel about being used and manipulated, but this feels different.”
“How so? She mentioned something rather personal for me,” Gelliana grumbled, blushing at her words.
“Well, we don’t know the whole story yet,” Toxic said, “Maybe she just explained a brief explanation that was a half-truth. Clari and her sister deal with threads of life. So, their actions were meant to help that thread achieve a certain outcome. The reason she didn’t help, or mention that personal stuff for you…whatever it was, all was necessary.”
Gelliana didn’t appear even remotely convinced, the gryphoness still frowning.
“Gells, there’s…” Toxic began, then let out a sigh of finality. “Can you look at me? I’d like to see your eyes when I tell you this.”
Such an odd request made the gryphoness immediately scoot around, nodding as she relaxed half on the elevated dirt platform.
“I can’t tell you everything yet, but my armor isn’t just because I’m a Director. It’s because I’m something else,” he said. “The message that the entity told you, about a Phoenix? That was referencing my other position. I’m heavily involved with these entities, and I trust them. I wish I could tell you what I saw, I wish…”
His voice trailed off, the sights from the stallion’s initiation as a Guardian surging to the fore.
“Gells, I saw so much, and I can’t wait to tell you someday, hopefully,” he whispered, eyes watering. “We are in control of our fates, but there’s a bigger picture that other individuals are trying to make sure ends up on the side of the good guys. That’s why I don’t feel used, because they’ve helped me before. The armor, the spells that helped me save you; they were from Clari and the position I have with her.”
Toxic didn’t look away from Gelliana as he spoke, the gryphoness’s own eyes widening as she saw the determination in his gaze.
He reached a hoof over to the gryphoness’s claws, gripping them tightly as emotion clogged his throat.
“I saw a lot of stuff when I was initiated to this position,” he whispered. “The results of who I have saved, relationships I’ve had with creatures…you included. And after seeing all that, I’m right here and not going anywhere,” Toxic paused, wiping his eyes with his free forelimb. “So, if you don’t trust this entity, trust me when I say she has our bests interests at heart, but maybe isn’t very good at explaining it.”
Gelliana nodded, the affection in Toxic’s gaze making her heart melt. He meant every word he said, and she could tell there was a mountain of meaning and experience behind the molehill of words he spoke.
“I can do that, but I still might slap her,” she admitted.
“I think she’d understand,” Toxic chuckled, ears perking up as now Gelliana’s ears flattened.
“Hey, but are you ok? You haven’t said must about all of this, not for a while.”
The words seemed to unlock a bit more vulnerability, the gryphoness scooting close and now resting in his arms, as difficult as they were to move.
“It’s just odd, everything here,” she admitted. “I was laughing and enjoying myself only half an hour ago, learning more about my special somepony. But then I also almost lost you. It's...a lot to think about.”
She paused, enjoying the physical contact as Toxic tightened his embrace as best as he could.
“It’s still hard to process. Like a weight slowly pressing down. I’m surprised I haven’t had a panic attack yet.”
“Ironic, isn’t it?” Toxic said softly. “In an unhealthy way. Situations like this is where I’m more at ease, yet in a clattering kitchen the situation is flipped.”
Gelliana let out a soft huff at that, nodding in agreement.
“Well, at least we can help each other out,” she mused, Toxic smiling.
“And I’m more than happy to. Today can be a talking day, if you’d like. We have to wait for SMAL to get back anyhow, and I’m sure you’ve had enough alone time for now while I was in my beauty sleep. I could be wrong though.”
Nodding, Gelliana clearly was in agreement with Toxic’s words.
“More than enough time.”
After another few long moments of enjoying her touch, Toxic stretched his neck as Gelliana settled down next to him on the foam pad.
“Well, I’m all ears, if there’s anything on your mind. Loyal coltfriend at the ready!”
She smiled at that, shrugging her wings and leaning on his shoulder, clearly finding a lot more comfort in a simple touch than Toxic originally thought.
“Well, we could always talk about those deal breakers?” Gelliana mused.
“I thought we already did? Rather early on if I recall.”
“Well, yeah, but not outside yes or no and a brief explanation. It was a bit awkward…” the gryphoness said, her shoulder getting a brief nudge.
“I didn’t think so.”
“I was a stammering mess! And it’s a silly thing. Well, one of them is.”
A stronger nudge this time, Gelliana looking over to a pair of affectionate, but rather serious eyes.
“Hey, it’s a very personal matter. It’s not silly if it means a lot to you,” Toxic said bluntly in a rather no-nonsense tone. “And while it’s a touchy topic for many, it’s still a personal one that I respect, how couldn’t I?”
Gelliana let out a smile at that.
“I’m just glad you had the same view, ish, and didn’t take it as a judgmental thing.”
“Hey, I did say that I was a romantic! And I’d say wanting your mate to be your one-and-only, and vice versa, is a romantic thing indeed! I certainly had- well, still have that same idea for myself, so how could I hold it against you? I think it’s quite a lovely standard. It certainly made knowing expected boundaries easier for the both of us. I didn’t take it as judgmental at all.”
“True. However, you seemed a bit more downcast when explaining it for yourself,” Gelliana replied, clearly a bit more at ease now that her ‘silly’ notion was abruptly disbanded.
At that, Toxic’s ears flattened, the stallion wincing.
“Well, back then, it was also a ‘just wanting to share everything with somecreature would tolerate me enough to ever want…” his voice drifted off, head shaking. “Sorry, it’s hard to break from some mindsets, even if I recognize how self-destructive they are. But I am, slowly but surely.”
He wasn’t sure why, but his words seemed to make a fire ignite behind Gelliana’s eyes briefly, something fierce burning in those violet orbs that locked onto his own, the gryphoness reaching over to then rest her head against his.
“’Tolerate’ isn’t a word I’d ever use to describe how I feel about you, Tox,” Gelliana whispered.
Stars above, Gelliana. How could I not fall in love with you?
It was a simple whisper in his own voice, but Toxic found himself blinking in surprise as the thread of thought drifted through his mind, a simple confirmation of what he already knew. The base of such feelings had been steadily laid before their capture, and now things were being built on that sturdy foundation.
They say fighting in battle creates a bond. I wonder what that means when feelings already exist?
He couldn’t quite get the ‘thank you’ to leave his lips, emotion gumming the stallion’s throat, so he said the next best thing.
“Gells.”
Somehow, she picked up on it but the fact Toxic had reached over to give her claws a squeeze probably made the point.
“I never told you much about the other deal breaker,” Gelliana said, surprising the stallion that she was so sure of herself, a confidence in her words now becoming more apparent.
“Well, to be fair we were still just addressing the big hurdles we’d each have, and that when we still were getting to know each other,” Toxic mused.
“Well, yeah. But a yes or no about kids….”
“’No’ is all you had to say. That’s a dealbreaker for many,” the stallion sighed. “The things you don’t talk about at the dinner table are the things that are pretty much proven to destroy relationships unless the conflict is resolved. So why not address it early once the relationship is serious? Or starting to be? I know we’ve teeechnically touched on a few of them.”
Gelliana opened her beak, and then closed it with a surprised hum.
“That’s not a bad summary of it,” she admitted. “I did just want you to know why my answer was what it was. I’m not asking you to tell me yours just yet.”
“I…ok,” Toxic said, still curious of where this confidence was coming from.
“Just- look, Tox, I trust you, ok? These past few days have made me realize I finally can. And that’s really freeing, to be able to finally tell my special somepony what I’ve wanted to say for a while. I’m stressed, but I’m with you, and that makes things so much better. I would have told you this stuff weeks ago, but I just, couldn’t.”
Well, that makes sense. Something still has changed. He mused.
“Well, in that case I am all ears. The fact we both weren’t wanting kids was a definite deal breaker- and not a shameful one at that. I just assumed it was a personal thing.”
“I mean…”
“Ok, stupid description. Obviously, the topic is a personal thing.”
“Fair enough. I’m pretty sure you don’t know why though.”
“Can’t say I do.”
“Well, it’d kill me.”
Toxic jerked his head back to look at his gryphoness in astonishment, Gelliana not able to resist laughing at the utter shock on his face.
“Bwa?!”
His exclamation only caused more merriment which further added to his confusion and surprise.
“Oh, y-your f-face!” Gelliana wheezed, wiping away a few tears and prodding him with a wing. “But actually, it’s not really a joke. Soooo definitely shouldn’t, and now can’t; I made sure of that years ago.”
“I, uh, that’s a bit of a bombshell, Gells.”
“I guess so. It was to me when I first learned about it, but now it’s just, well, me.”
“May I ask…?”
“Well,” Gelliana said, scooting up and leaning her head on Toxic’s shoulder. “The same thing that makes me perfect hugging height for you also apparently causes a few other problems. One being that having kids would, well, I partially zoned out at the ‘extreme bone density loss and likely organ failure’ statement.”
“Uh, then I would have to agree that not having kids is a good idea. Did you want them before that?”
“Oh, gosh no. So, it wasn’t nearly the impact my parents thought it would have. I mean, maybe helping an orphan farther down the line?” Gelliana mused. “That’s about as close as I’d come to it. But I honestly just wanted to find my knight in shining armor and spend my life with him.”
Toxic chuckled at that, the fact Gelliana’ scooted closer making him smile even more. Her wistful romantic notions were just so innocent and simple at times.
I’ve had moments where I wondered…
“Well, mission accomplished? I’d hope?” he piped up. “Well, at least step one?”
“Haven’t proved me wrong yet.”
A happy nuzzle was the stallion’s reply, the gryphoness then piping up again.
“If it’s not too personal, why are you ok with not having kids?”
Toxic couldn’t help but let out a soft chuckle at that.
“Too personal? I already owe you a kiss. I’d say it’s a perfectly safe area of topics,” he replied with a grin, then reaching over to gentle caress Gelliana’s cheek with a hoof briefly. “But I really appreciate the concern,” he added in a softer, more sincere tone.
“There’s a few reasons, kind of learning the deeper reasons as I’ve grown up. I’ve never had a drive for kids, so that’s why I wasn’t fazed at all,” he admitted. “It’s not that I’m scared of being a dad, like I’d be bad at it, or couldn’t rise to the occasion, I just…” his eyes widened, the shaking his head. “I mean, there’s never been the ‘want’ for that, and while that alone is a good enough reason, there’s a few others I definitely don’t want to pursue having them. But there’s another part. I don’t think I can bear a certain aspect of it. Seeing a child as a burden is something I’d never want to do. But I just…”
To his surprise, Toxic felt tears tracing down his cheek; not so much at the subject matter, but at what the thought had unlatched. Something seemed to almost physically shift in his heart, a painful cracking of a realization consistently ignored. A weight was now mentally pressing down on every atom of his body. It wasn’t about kids specifically, quite the opposite, but the idea of another creature to protect in a general sense was just overwhelming.
Another burden to bear.
Loathing the existence of something, someone you should love…
Gelliana’s ears perked up as her stallion seemed to shrink slightly, the gryphoness immediately scooting closer to partially spread a wing over him.
“Do you know what compassion fatigue is, Gells?” Toxic asked, a shake of the head her reply. His tone had changed, becoming subdued, carrying with it a genuine tremble of what seemed to be fear.
“It’s a really scary thing, very common for first responders and healthcare workers. It’s when you lose the ability to feel empathy for someone because you’ve expended yourself so much. It’s also called secondary traumatic stress. Too much of a good thing in this case. Care too much for too long, and you start to loathe whoever, or whatever is causing it as you just can’t care anymore.”
Gelliana stiffened at that, the clever gryphoness making the connection.
“Oh…”
“I’ve danced with it a few times. I’ve thankfully been able to take a step back at those times, but it’s a scary feeling when you usually care, to suddenly just not, to start to actively dislike the existence of the individuals you are trying to help,” Toxic whispered. “You just can’t care anymore, you don’t want to. It’s work to care, and you just start to dislike whoever or whatever it is that is needing the help. If you push yourself too far, it can happen. For me, I’ve had it a fair number of times.”
He then pauses, shaking his head.
“That’s why the ‘want and need’ thing is so important to me,” the stallion continued. “To be wanted, not needed. I don’t ever want to feel that way towards family or friends. With a kid, I believe that is a very real possibility added to the list of reasons I already have against the idea. And it’s not just kids, it’s everyone. Every call I get, always needed. I can’t say no, I just can’t…and….” His voice cracked, hot, rebellious tears streaming down the pony’s face. That was the crux of the entire matter.
He couldn’t say no, not if he wanted to be free of guilt. He couldn’t logic the problem away; his own mental burden weighed against the physical lives of others? How could he ever place that above himself?
To apply that to his personal life, it would break him. Toxic knew it. He never said it, only whispered in the darkest parts of his mind, but the thought was there. The slow, growing distaste, the eventual loathing of what used to be an eager, empathetic response.
“I n-never want to f-feel that towards someone I love. N-never…”
The wing that spread over Toxic made all of his thoughts freeze, the torrent of building anxiety and mental pressure abruptly fading with the light. Instead, there was just Gelliana’s feathers and fur as she hugged him close, wing wrapped around him slightly, her head resting on top of his protectively.
He had no idea how she could still smell so nice after not showering, but Toxic really didn’t care. The stallion just felt safe, the only thing existing in that moment being himself, and Gelliana. No stress, just a gryphoness who…
Her claws tightened around one of his hooves, Toxic struggling to control his breathing. A simple four-letter word that was an affirmation of what the stallion already knew his feelings to be.
“I don’t blame you at all for that, Toxic,” Gelliana whispered. “And I don’t think anyone has the right to. The fact you know yourself so well to tell me all of that, I think, is a really good thing. You’ve helped so many, still help so many, but you need to now help yourself, and that includes even now. You’re not alone in all of this, and I’m just so happy you’re willing to let me help.”
She paused, hugging him a bit tighter. “You’ve never been a burden to me. Ever, and I mean it. And just like the word ‘burden’, I’ve never thought to ‘need’ you in the way you’re thinking, always ‘want’,” she paused and hugged him a bit tighter. “Wanting your comfort, sure, but never needing it in that way. But there’s so much more; wanting to help you feel better, wanting to just be with you. That has never changed. And I never want it to.”
The tears flowed once again, an odd burden quite suddenly lifting itself from the stallion’s shoulders. Hearing the one creature he cared so much about say it those simple words; he couldn’t process it outside of just raw emotion, relief.
All Toxic could do was hug Gelliana’s nearest forelimb tight, months of self-doubt, beratement, and subconscious wondering finally being lifted.
“I should have told you that sooner,” she continued, hugging him back tightly. “Especially the burden part. But I realized it all too late, and then y-you were asleep, those few days ago. I should have said that all way before that. I n-never wanted you to think that you were a burden to me. And y-yet you obviously did. I’m so sorry for not telling you sooner.”
She must have been able to tell that he was going to at least try and say something, because the gryphoness quickly spoke again. “And don’t say it’s fine. It’s not. I w-wish you knew how much it means to me, that you wanted my help, let me help.”
Not able to resist a tearful smile at that, Toxic managed a slight shrug, his own eyes finally drying up.
“I’m getting an idea,” he managed to say quietly, “but I didn’t know.”
“And you wouldn’t have, not unless I had said something. But I didn’t know how to say it, not until now. I just had no idea how much it meant to myself, and to you.”
Finally releasing her hold on him, Gelliana pulled back slightly to look at Toxic, the stallion smiling affectionately as she still struggled to put her feelings to words.
“Tox, I haven’t ever had a chance to be trusted and to trust like this,” she finally said. “Especially in a relationship sense, but that doesn’t excuse things. I just want you to know there is at least a reason behind it all. Ever since I was little, I haven’t been able to help others like this. My social anxieties remove a lot of chances, and then there’s always those that see me as either a distrustful, scary gryphoness, even with my size. Playing into me being shy, I was seen as a helpless runt. To have someone not see me like that, to trust me enough to let me help, to ask me for help instead of assuming something about me; it means so much. I still am trying to understand how much it means.”
Gelliana took a shaky breath, laughing briefly as she swiped tears from her eyes in almost annoyance, clearly getting a bit sick of crying but not being able to help it regardless. She reached down to poke Toxic’s chest with a claw gently, an almost dreamy smile twitching onto her beak as she toyed with his fur. The gesture never failed to make her coltfriend’s cheeks immediately flush.
“I treasure all the times you let me help. I can’t explain how happy it makes me that you trust me enough, care enough to let me try and help even a little bit. It never even crossed my mind that you were a burden on me, or being inconvenient; only that maybe that’s what you thought. But I never think that during those times,” she let out an annoyed huff, eyes drifting down to her claws. “I just wish I could have said all that when we weren’t running for our lives. Or hiding. It took all of that for me to realize h-how much I cared…”
Pressing his forehead gently against hers, Toxic didn’t say anything for a few moments. If there was ever a moment he wanted to wrap the Gelliana up in his arms and kiss her, this was it. And yet he could barely move his limbs. She had mentioned it briefly before, but now the full impact was finally setting in.
All those times I’ve thought I was imposing on her time, making things awkward when clearly needing a hug, she wanted to help? It made her happy?
I was never a burden.
Toxic didn’t have any tears left, yet his eyes burned as he did the only affectionate gesture he could at the moment; giving the gryphoness a long kiss on the cheek.
“As soon as I feel a bit better, I won’t aim for your cheek,” he managed to say, the words prompting a soft giggle. “I’ve- that’s a lot to take in, Gells. In the back of my mind I always thought I was imposing.”
“Sorry for not telling you sooner,” Gelliana replied, blushing quite a bit from the kiss regardless.
“Well, better late than never. I guess we both still had stuff to figure out and learn from all of that.”
Something about his words caused Gelliana to let out one of the most adorable squeaks he had ever heard, the gryphoness poofing up as she nodded in agreement.
“Uh, you ok there G-”
“UH HUH!”
Odd. Never thought learning would be a blushable thing.
Note to self, ask about that later. Maybe has to do with that ‘personal thing’ with Clari’s sister?
Maybe?
Much to Toxic’s playful annoyance (and Gelliana’s visible relief,) SMAL appeared next to them with a soft *pop*, the creation’s frame glowing as it downloaded some data to the crystal core in the storage container.
“Report available,” SMAL reported, Toxic waving a hoof eagerly.
“Well, let’s hear it.”
“The gas is dispersing along a lateral line, indicating a pulsed dispersal method,” SMAL began, “It does not follow normal dispersion methods, as it drops to undetectable levels when there should be some trace remaining. As far as I was able to survey, there are no immediate enemy forces within a couple hundred yards of this location, but signs of recent movement. There is a significant canyon that will require navigating around or though up ahead. While there is a bridge, it did show signs of use.”
SMAL then paused, looking to Toxic to see if he had any questions before continuing.
“I have identified an alternate shelter four miles from this location, as I located fresh tracks getting closer and closer to his cave. The alternate location shows no tracks within a few hundred yards, and they are extremely weathered and confined to a trail. It is also hidden from view and offers significantly more protection against airborne agents, and there is an underground spring nearby like this location. Water samples indicate the gas is soluble, but dissipates quickly. I do not know the cause of that.”
“Thank you SMAL, that will do for now,” Toxic said slowly. “Catalogue all the data and then patrol outside without being seen. Continue to monitor for the gas and have multiple routes chosen for this new site.”
“Orders confirmed. I also have a preliminary analysis of the poison in your body. I shall compile it now.”
Toxic nodded, then blowing out a tired breath as the mare vanished.
“Well, we’re in a pickle indeed,” he muttered.
“So, we’re moving?” Gelliana ventured to ask.
“Eventually. The fact there is recent movement near us? I don’t like that. The gas makes things tricky. If it’s soluble in water, that is a nasty thing indeed. But why would they have it dissolve in water and dissipate unless there was a way to make it stick around?” Toxic replied. “It doesn’t make any sense, but if it has to do with Chaos magic, it doesn’t have to make sense. For now, we stay put.”
“Sounds like a plan, especially since we don’t know how this poison affects you,” Gelliana agreed. “We can’t move if you can’t walk. I can’t carry you the entire way.”
Managing a smile at that, Toxic gratefully leaned his head on a feathery shoulder as the gryphoness settled down next to him.
“You carry me in different ways, Gells.”
Toxic’s heart melted at hearing the adorable squeak leave Gelliana’s beak, an affectionate nuzzle making his face warm up.
At least they were still safe, for now.
Nacreous’s world spun, the hippogriff appearing in a thick jungle. Moving quieter than many would think possible for a creature his size, the Paladin made his way through the thick undergrowth. A familiar, dangerous shield flickered in the distance.
Those monsters, desecrating my training ground with their magic.
It had been a brief hunch, but Nacreous had confirmed it with maps in his private lab. The Shadow King had set up base in the mountain above a monastery that held a special place in Nacreous’s heart. After all, he had trained there. No doubt they were searching for any ancient tombs or magics to corrupt.
But they don’t have the key, nor the correct type of magic to tap into the leylines. Their search for power will be all for naught.
The item given to him by Toxic hung around Nacreous’s neck, the hippogriff now taking it off and tapping it gently. The key let out a soft chime, spinning around like the needle on a compass.
It works.
Unknown to anyone still drawing breath but himself, the Order Nacreous was a part of had not stored their knowledge in a single location. The Monastery may have a large amount of knowledge, but in the time before the Order was attacked, it was split up, copies made and dispersed…
There were very few locations where all the knowledge of the Order remained, and this key pointed to one of them. A magical safehouse where an entire archive lay, waiting to be discovered.
And Nacreous knew exactly who to give it to. Clari had seen to that. It had been a simple exchange between himself and Varti, a question regarding a title of one of the organization’s arms.
The answer had stunned him to the core, and the Paladin had immediately left to locate the lost caches of magical records.
Toxic Shield, we trust some of our own dreams within your own.
The key began to vibrate, and that prompted Nacreous to dig. It was an arm length of damp earth he scooped out before hitting stone. Smooth, cut stone that was no natural formation.
A bit more searching, and a lock on a stone trapdoor was located.
Heaving the entrance open, Nacreous fought back a few tears. Hopping into the underground room, hundreds of shelves extended out like a spider’s web, each holding crystal-etched books, the knowledge of a dozen volumes on each mineral slab.
Thank you, Teachers.
He pulled out a crystal of his own, setting it down and tapping it. A simple spell began to carefully retrieve each record, pulling it into a magical pocket for safe storage and transport.
The King of Shadows, ruler of an immeasurable space of Limbo had the entire knowledge of the Order on his doorstep, one of the few organizations who could mount a defense against him.
And he had missed it, but not for a lack of trying. Nacreous could sense magical fingers prying outside the shield, seeking for clues without incurring the wrath of his Fiancé.
Nacreous made sure to triple-check the location before sealing it up again, but not before leaving a simple letter to whomever would find it.
All things that are lost can be reborn.
-Emperor Nacreous Thunderwing
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Oooo lots of relationship building in this one. Gelliana and Toxic having some deep conversations. The only thing missing was them saying they love each other and kissing I guess, but I know you always have process and reason for holding those off longer. Can’t wait for when those things actually happen. Also interesting part with Nacreous at the end their
Chaos magic tied up in that muck? Sounds like a dandy way to poison the land and air itself, that stuff never really fades. One thing's for sure, you'll want more than a respirator before you go wandering around in it, that stuff is absolutely a contact-poison.
And now Nacreous has gone wandering around breathing it.
Fantastic.
10566765
No kidding. Chaos magic + gas = YIKES. Definitely seems like a scorched earth policy....
Oh, I should have made that clear; Nacreous is outside the shield, so no nasty gas. He's not that foolish. He was remarking how the enemy was searching the wrong spot, and totally missed the other location.
10566761
Lots of unsaid words between them, for sure!
All the relationship building! And yes, there is a reason; Toxic mentioned it once or twice he doesn't want to be a physical/mental mess when he says that. Currently, he can barely move
This tells me that he has been so close to this so many times that his reaction to having to be defibrillated is a combination of "so I almost died again" and him still being out of it from the experience.
what makes this moment so priceless is the fact that she jumps immediately from "I've never" to "we've never" that makes me think she's thought about it before.
And this should be his goal for every chance he gets. The stammering mess makes Geliana adorable.
This is so sweeeeeeeet!
Cheesiness is always a good thing. LET THERE BE CHEESE!
Happy puffballs for everyone!
Trust? She loves you and I can't wait for the moment where she's able to tell you how she feels straight to your face.
Please let this be a thing.
A good adjustment I can see here would be this.
"I was laughing and enjoying myself only half an hour ago, but almost losing my special somepony, learning more about you just now;"
For some reason the way you've got it now feels half finished.
"Squeezed in his hug" to "tightened his embrace" works a little better.
Just out of curiosity is "technically" supposed to be drawn out like that?
That.....is so not fair.
I get it! Because the child up to a certain age can't "want" to be taken care of, they "need" be taken care of. So he pretty much believes that he's going to lose the love and affection for the child because he's not going to feel wanted but needed. And with him having been needed for so long......
It's about time he has come to accept that.
"I was imposing" instead of "it was imposing"
Good chapter. Emotionally heavy and well done.
10567007
I mean, who says a certain gryphoness can't be hot blooded?
- Combination of shock and knowing exactly why his chest aches = pretty numb mentally to it. He's come close to death a few times, but it's sort of his mind just going into 'this feels like X. I know what this mean. Therefor YZ happened.
-
- ALL THE ADORABLE FLUFF!
- Wouldn't surprise me if Gelliana did give a certain entity a whack.
- Both have a few words they need to get out and say; but in times of stress, they recognize maybe not the best time. But that restraint can only go so far. Gelliana already technically did say it; just when he was passed out.
- Changes made =)
- yes, supposed to be drawn out.
- Nope, not exactly fair, but life gives you wildcards. In this case, at least it was one that Gelliana was 100% ok with.
- Bingo. Toxic has been needed constantly ever since he was a colt. Due to his voice impairment and the disturbing jobs he still is working through mentally, he has not been wanted much at all. Even though yes, as a parent it's different, you are, for a time, needed. And the idea of him absolutely loathing family/loved ones disturbs Toxic to his core. That's why it's so important that Gelliana doesn't need him to be happy. He's just so tired.
- Change made! Thank you!
And yeah, this was a heavy chapter, but definitely needed to happen.
I think the problem is that Toxic is thinking about this poison as a terrorist attack, and not a weapon of war. A chemical agent that kills everything and then dissipates away? That's pretty close to the perfect weapon of war: get rid of the entirety of your opponent, without risking any of your forces, and without permanently ruining their land. Everything we've managed to do throughout history can only manage 2 out of 3 at best.
10567391
That is true; but there is definitely some holes in their understanding of what the gas even does....
10567391
Fun fact cod advanced warfare had an exact weapon used like that in the story it was called manticore if I remember correctly. It was sad as the only way to have immunity was to be apart of Atlas as the weapon ignored those specific DNA signatures.
10851656
Huh! Never played the COD series; but that sounds like a nasty bug indeed. Thanks for the info! =)
Two less E's.
11265932
That's intentional...for once