Fallout Equestria: Prepper
By Kippershy
Names
“So, you want to know how I got my name hmm? Well that all begins with something that happened a long time ago. Probably back when you were just born, perhaps. Less than a year ago now there was a world changing explosion. Almost nopony knew anything about it when it happened, and even now, most ponies have never heard of it even still.”
Choking on my words, I was forced to pause as the horrifying memories ran through my mind. Reliving the event was something that always haunted me, something I couldn’t escape. So many of my sisters never made it out, or were slaughtered by angry hellhounds not long after their escape. Their screams of agony flashed through my mind, making me shiver. It was only when the young colt, whose name I didn’t know myself, nudged my side that I snapped back to the real world.
With wide eyes and the most innocent voice I could have possibly heard, he repeated his question. “What happened?”
Taking a deep breath, I prepared myself to explain further. “Us alicorns were once all a large family. We still are, I still love all of my sisters, but things aren’t like they used to be. We were...” Once again I paused, uncertain on how to word it. I didn’t want to scare the foal, but I didn’t want to lie either. Honesty is a virtue after all, they say. Putting on a small smile, I continued. “We were closer.”
Sensing the child’s anticipation to hear the story, I closed my eyes and began to focus and tell my tale in earnest.
--- --- ---
“Be careful, sisters. This… area… I don’t know what it is, but I don’t feel right about it. For some reason, I can’t feel your presence like I normally would.”
“I agree.” One of my sisters responded, but not in her usual tone. There was a drop of worry in her voice, something I had not heard in a long, long time. “I don’t know what it is either, but I feel uneasy myself. I… I can’t hear the others.”
Stopping my forward momentum, I began to concentrate. Though I could still hear the voices of the others, my sister was right; they were becoming quieter and more muffled the closer we drew to our destination.
There was a nagging feeling to look down at the ground, to notice the whispering tufts of pink as they floated around below us, but not even the Goddess could give me the understanding as to why it bothered me so.
Looking back forward to the skyline ahead of us, where we had been told to go, I began muttering to myself. “This place looks so magnificent, and yet something about it bothers me. Why? What secrets do you hold?”
“It was a place of great importance, sister.” Another of my sisters reminded us all. “Do remember that The Goddess warned us that there would likely be many mysteries hidden all around. These buildings were shrouded in secrecy even during the time of the war itself. Remain focused, our job is to locate and retrieve our means of success as a species.”
Out of habit, we all nodded in unison before steeling our gaze onto our goal. Somewhere in these ruins was said to lie our future, and it was our job to find it.
*** *** ***
Busting open another draw, I began to rifle through, searching for whatever I might find. Bottlecaps, a couple of rounds of ammunition, papers from an era long gone, but nothing of any value to me. Passing over it, I turned to the next desk to find emptiness. Looking around, I no longer saw my companions. The fear of disconnect that had once subsided with acceptance now came back with vengeance as I realised I was alone. “Sisters? Sisters? Can you hear me?”
~Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.~
"What?" I asked, to no response. The silence filled my soul with an uneasiness as the air hung thick with trepedation. This wasn't normal. My sisters would never think like this normally. Was this area reducing their mental capacity as well as our link?
“Sisters?!” I called out once more, hoping to hear a response while trying to hide the fear I now began to feel. It was foalish for an alicorn to feel this way, and yet, I couldn’t muster the confidence that normally came without hesitation. There was no comfort from The Goddess, nor had I been able sense the physical presence of my sisters for quite some time now. With exception to the word 'hungry', there wasn’t even any idle thought chatter running through my mind. I was alone. Truly, wholly alone. “Sisters, please answer me!”
Once again I tried to calm myself; closing my eyes and breathing deeply, attempting to tune into my senses. Despite my best efforts, it was painfully obvious now that my connection to Unity was severed. The worry began to wash over me once more as I considered that fact, but I had to be brave. Whether I had my connection to Unity or not, there could be no doubt that this work was still of the greatest of importance to Unity and once I returned to The Goddess, that she would surely know how to restore me to my rightful place amongst the family.
Calming my mind, I opened up to my ears, trying to see if I could hear any movement that might lead me back to my sisters, to the safety of numbers. Searching each floor of the office in wings seemed wise to begin with, but feeling so alone, so isolated, so unprotected… I could hardly focus at the task at hoof.
~Hungry. Hungry. Food. Hungry. Food. Food. Food.~
There it was again, the voice, the unfamiliar voice. The voice that muttered through my soul but did not fill me with love. This was something I couldn't quite explain. A part of me screamed that I should've known what this was, that I would have normally known, and yet I couldn't remember what this reminded me of. All I could tell was that it disturbed me, sending a shock of displeasure down my spine as I shivered.
“Sisters?” I called out feebly, my voice barely trying to carry through the room. There remained no answer. No explanation. I hadn’t heard any clear signs of danger, no screams of pain, no sound of combat; not that we alicorns needed to be afraid of most threats, but still, the eeriness of the room overwhelmed me. Finally a shuffling could be heard as I made my way towards where we had first split up on the floor, but this sound still seemed unfamiliar.
“Sisters? Is that you?” The sound stopped. “Sisters?”
How wrong I was. The sound hadn’t stopped, it changed. From an idle shuffle to full blown sprint, the sound of hooves smashing into tiled floor became more and more apparent before the smashing of a nearby door alerted me to danger. Turning to face the source of the sounds, a fiercely large ghoul stood before me, his head easily reaching up to my eye level.
~FOOD!~
This was no normal pony, his muscles were beyond apparent despite the decomposition. Those very same muscles powered him forward faster than I could break through my surprise, sooner than I could overcome my shock. Failing to raise my shield in time, I was left in shock as his mass was enough that managed to knock me down!
With a snarling growl and rotten teeth baring themselves at me, I realised I had no time for hesitation. Powering up my horn, I sent a bolt of magical energy thundering through the air towards my target, only to miss by the smallest margin, hitting the nearby wall worthlessly. My eyes widened as my shield raised just in time to save me from yet another attack, though his teeth broke into jagged edges as he continued his attempt to eat me.
~FOOD! HUNGRY! HUNGRY! FOOD!~
Climbing back onto my hooves and jumping backwards, I knew I had to end this quickly. My sisters were somewhere on this floor, but I had no clue as to where. Surely they would come to my aid as soon as they heard the fight; but how long would that be? Would I be able to maintain my strength against such savage attacks? Canterlot’s mysterious pink cloud had already taken its toll on my body, made me feel weakened, challenged my endurance with its attacks. This needed to end now.
Lowering my shield, I funnelled all of my magical prowess into another shot, knowing this time that the beast would go for another charge. Just as expected, he did, and my horn’s aim held true. Two bolts of beautiful green light blasted its way through, one ripping along the neck and shoulder of the monster, another slicing into its head.
The beast lie dead on the floor, a vile black ooze slowly pouring from the corpse. Picking myself from off of the floor, I brushed the dirt that had been knocked onto me off of my coat and nickered before walking off. The sound of my sisters hooves coming closer comforted me, their voices calling to me in the distance.
“Sister? Are you okay?” One called. “There is nothing less to expect from a child of The Goddess.” The other retorted before continuing. “With that said though, I do hope you are okay.”
“Of course.” I replied, though admittedly still a bit shaken. “Just a ghoul. A large ghoul, but a ghoul all the same. You need fear not, sisters.” Letting out a smile, I stretched my neck to both sides in order to crack out the tenseness.
Then I heard it. A sickening sound. A sound I had never heard before. A sound that seemed beyond unnatural; an unmistakeably unholy sound. A sound coming from behind me. Looking at my sisters, the looks on their faces told me that I was in some unknown danger. Jumping towards them out of instinct, I could feel the pressure of the air behind me before I heard the loud clanging of hooves hitting just behind me. Turning my head to see what had just happened, I then saw it. The ghoul’s face, neck, and shoulder were regenerating back into their normal forms, and none of this stopped it from normal movement.
“B-but I… I hit it directly into the brain!” Was all I could say before the monster crashing into me, my head hitting a desk, the world going dark.
~ ~ ~
Black. All around me was black. Nothing more, nothing less. My body no longer existed, my limbs completely missing, my horn refusing to shine. No noise, no feeling, no sensation of any kind. Was this death? No, surely not, I could still think! But what was this then?
My answer revealed itself as light shimmered around me, slowly lifting the blanket of complete and utter depravation away. Though I couldn’t see any of my surroundings, I could now make out something, something that called out to me. It wasn’t in any language I recognised, and yet, I somehow understood what it was saying as if the universe itself wanted me to.
The black book. There before me, there was a vision of the book we had been searching for. Floating in mid air; not held by any magical grasp, not upon a podium, nor sitting on a desk. The black book simply floated by its own power before its pages opened and everything once again disappeared. Suddenly, my vision filled with images of being back home, back in Maripony, back with The Goddess. I wanted to go and speak to her, but her eyes refused to fall upon me. As I tried to open my mouth, to call out to her, to tell her I had returned, I found that I continued to lack any of my physical form.
In that moment, I noticed a shadow of a figure sitting before The Goddess, taking up her entire attention. More figures were approaching, figures with what seemed to be wings spread wide, but no horns. I could not make out any of the details on any of the figures, nor could I even recognise any of the faces of my sisters as they lined the great halls around me. The only details I could truly understand were the eyes of The Goddess as they came to some realisation, to some understanding, as they came to know the true meaning of fear and terror. For what reason this was, I had no idea, but her reaction was unmistakable. In that moment, I felt my focus being ripped from The Goddess and forced onto the first shadow figure, a grin on their face as the whole world exploded, tearing everything apart.
In that last moment of existence, I heard the scream, and knew that The Goddess had met her end.
~ ~ ~
Groaning at the pain that filled my skull, a familiar voice filled my ears and told me that I was back to the real world. “Sister, you’re awake! We need to leave. Those monsters, they won’t die.” A panicked voice informed me.
“More that they won’t stay dead. By The Goddess, we’ve put them down so many times, but the only one that seems to stay down is the one whose head was cut off by my shield. We need to get out of here, we need to gather the others and return to the Goddess. Things were far more dangerous than the previous expedition had led us to believe, it seemed.”
Nodding my head, a bolt of pain shot down my neck, quickly reminding me of just how I was knocked out to begin with. Tenderly picking myself off from the floor, I seemed to be stable on my hooves at the very least. Stretching out my wings and giving them a pre-flight test, everything else seemed to be in working order. Everything apart from my mind, still filled with the vision I had seen, and my neck, sore from the injury.
With the sound of shattering glass, my attention was ripped to the side. There stood one of the two sisters, kicking out the remaining shards from the frame, pink fumes slowly releasing from the hole. “Through the window! Quick! More are coming from the stairs. This is our best escape!”
Without hesitation, the three of us dived through the hole, spreading out our wings and taking flight. In that moment, yet another unnatural sound grabbed my attention and forced me to turn my gaze back to the window, only to see the glass repairing itself before my very eyes. Two of the ghouls had jumped out after us, but neither were pegasai. One earth pony, one unicorn. I could only thank The Goddess that neither had wings as they fell. The earth pony landed on its hooves with a meaty thud, though that seemed to only hold it back for a mere moment before it began to move once again, trying to reach up at us in the sky. The unicorn however seemed to remain immobile, its head completely destroyed upon landing.
Looking over to the building on the opposite side of the road, where our other wing of sisters had agreed to search, my blood ran cold as I saw two of their corpses just inside of the building. There was no obvious sign as to what killed them, no ghouls seemed present, but the amount of blood that poured from their bodies left me without any doubt that there was no way they could have survived. A sickening feeling filled my entire body as I felt my soul dampen at the sight. This wasn’t the first time we had to cope with the death of our kind, but this was the first time that I had to deal with it without Unity to take comfort in.
Despite the advice of my sisters that we should just leave immediately and return to The Goddess, I flew on closer to the front of the building in which the bodies laid, my curiosity too strong. I needed to know what had managed to kill my sisters in such a mysterious way, if I could find out without getting close enough to be killed by it myself at least.
In that moment, I noticed the much smaller, but still growing pool of blood that dripped from the front of the building. Whatever was causing the blood wasn’t visible, but with the sound of coughing and sobbing becoming more apparent as I drew closer, I quickly realised it must have been the blue sister of that wing. Furthermore, I now noticed that the door to the office wasn’t even open. Had she closed it to keep the threat at bay?
Reaching out with my magic, I tenderly tugged and pulled the invisible figure away from the door, not daring to get too close lest I become a target of whatever foul attacker laid hidden from my understanding. If my blue sister was the only survivor, surely it was because of her ability to hide, and I couldn’t risk putting myself into the view of the killer if that was the case.
“Come on, come with me.” I half suggested, half commanded. “We need to leave, together, and I’m not leaving you here alone. I don’t know what attacked you, but we’ve been attacked by ghouls that seem nearly impossible to kill. We weren’t prepared for this, we need to return to The Goddess and inform her of our failure, to let her know of what dangers are here so the next expedition knows better.”
How I managed to remain so composed after my own experience with nearly dying, I didn’t know, but as my blue sister dropped her invisibility and looked at me with a face filled with distress and need for comfort, I knew I had to remain strong. Above us our two remaining sisters kept an eye out, calling on us to hurry up and return.
With the sounds of the ghoul pony rushing from the other side of the street, I quickly realised there was no more time to mourn our losses down here on the ground. Grabbing my blue sister and lifting her up, I looked into her eyes as they slowly stopped pouring with blood and barked my demand. “Time to move, go! We really don’t want to try and mess with those things. Come on.”
Jumping into the air, I watched as my sister followed. Where we had begun as six, we now returned as only four. To fly as a quadruple and not in a wing of three felt unnatural and wrong to me, but that summed up all of the experience I had just been through with Canterlot.
Keeping a careful eye on the blue sister who I had just rescued, we all made our way back home.
*** *** ***
{{WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU SAW OUR DOOM? THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. YOU MERELY EXPERIENCED A DREAM! NO! A NIGHTMARE! THE GODDESS SHALL NEVER BE DESTROYED. UNITY IS THE FUTURE. WHY WOULD YOU HOLD ANY DOUBT? YOU ARE ONE OF MY CHILDREN! ONE OF THE CHOSEN! WE SHALL NEVER FACE DEFEAT!}}
‘I understand, My Goddess, but for some reason, I believe this to be true. I can’t explain why-’
{{BECAUSE IT IS FALSE! A FALSE VISION! A NIGHTMARE! BUT FEAR NOT. THE GODDESS SHALL NOT PUNISH YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU FAILED ME! THAT IS BECAUSE I AM A KIND AND UNDERSTANDING DEITY. OBVIOUSLY THE ‘PROPHESY’ YOU SPEAK OF IS FALSE, BUT YOU HAVE DONE WELL TO RETURN ALIVE AFTER SUCH VILE DANGERS. WE SHALL BE BETTER PREPARED NEXT TIME.}}
For a moment I paused, unsure of how to respond. The Goddess was right. I had failed her. We had returned from our mission without completing it, and worse, having lost two of our members, after having almost lost my own life too. Then it hit me. We needed to be better prepared.
`Please, My Goddess, please allow me to prepare for the potential possibility of something bad happening. Even if my vision was false, the fact remains that all of our supplies are currently stored here and only here. What if Red Eye was to storm in while we least expect it? We already know he plans to betray us, would it not be smart to prepare for an outcome where our supplies are taken? Should you allow me to find a secondary storage facility, we can ensure that we will weather out any storm that may come our way.`
As the silence filled the room, I felt my heart begin to beat faster, harder. I meant absolutely no offence to The Goddess. I loved her, I was her child and I would do anything for her, to protect her, to carry out her will – but it was from this desire to carry out her will that I felt so compelled to make contingency plans.
And then she finally decided upon her answer.
{{FINE! WE CAN SEE THE LOGIC IN THIS! YOU, AND YOU ALONE, ARE TRUSTED IN THIS MISSION. GO, SEARCH FOR SOMEWHERE TO STORE NEW SUPPLIES. ENSURE THAT IT IS FAR FROM HIS REACH, BUT KNOW YOU MUST DO SO ALONE. IN ORDER TO KNOW WHETHER IT IS YOU I WISH TO SPEAK TO, YOU WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS ‘PREPPER’. GO FORTH AND PREPARE, BUT REMEMBER, THE SUN SHALL NEVER SET ON US AND YOUR ‘VISION’ WILL NEVER COME TRUE, FOR WE ARE THE FUTURE, AND WE ARE UNSTOPPABLE.}}
I hate for the only comment on this specific chapter so far to be one of technical and stylistic quibbles, but quibble I must. The band-aid must be ripped off! Onward!
Because this is first-person narration, stream-of-consciousness is completely okay, and expected, but the second half of that quote is a sentence fragment directly related to the preceding sentence, which could be set off with a colon from the first one, ideally.
"...whatever I might find: Bottlecaps, a couple rounds of ammunition..."
You can also lead into it with a concessive subjunctive clause: "... searching for whatever I might find, be it bottlecaps..." "... searching for whatever I might find, whether it be bottlecaps..."
Those, however, may come across as archaic, because they sort of are, but I like them. They're all fancy-like.
I wish FiMFic supported traditional editorial notations. *sigh* Okay, "would surely know" is the same as a split infinitive, i.e., "to surely know," which would be infinitely better as "to know for certain," keeping "to" and "know" together, as they should be. The tense-modifying word needs to be next to the word it modifies.
Honestly, you could leave it as is and nobody would complain, except for arseholes such as I. But! It's still bad, and you should feel bad.
Same thing here: Keep the tense modifiers together with the verb so that it becomes "normally would have known." When in doubt, place the adverb before the verb, but definitely don't put it between "would" and "your verb here."
While it is possible to have a sentence in which differing tenses can coexist, when those tenses refer to the same thing in the same context, the tenses should be the same. Also, this is what is known as a comma splice: a separation of independent thoughts with a comma, but without a conjunction to join the next thought. Try "The sound hadn't stopped: It had changed." Or "The sound hadn't stopped; it had changed." Either a colon or semicolon works perfectly. A colon indicates that the following phrase is directly related, and a semicolon indicates that it is a followup thought, or that it is still related, but not as importantly. In other words, a semicolon is a colon who has shrugged.
Read it without those and it makes sense. Alternatively, to correct what is there instead of removing words, you could make it "his mass was great enough that it managed to knock me down!" That comes across as clumsy, though, even if nothing is technically wrong with it.
She is doing the aiming, not her horn.
Firstly: The past tense of lie is lay. Yes, it sounds weird, but only if you are unfamiliar with it. You can lay your head on your pillow, but you cannot, yourself, lay in a bed: You must lie in a bed... and then that logic is thrown on its head when the past tense comes knocking. The past perfect tense is even weirder (It is also called the pluperfect, and the past perfect form of a verb is called its past participle). Then, lay becomes had lain.
Secondly: Separate each adjective in a list with a comma, but do not separate the last adjective in the list from the noun it describes. "Vile black ooze" should be "vile, black ooze."
Thirdly: Don't forget the apostrophe. "sisters' hooves"
Unless it is a name, the noun or pronoun immediately following dialogue should not be capitalized.
If the other is retorting, then another is speaking, and another should get her own paragraph. Also, when the introductory sentence in dialogue is more than a single phrase, you should split it and immediately indicate the speaker, rather than completing the phrase and then indicating the speaker. Try this:
The struck-through words can be omitted. It is obvious that the speaker is continuing to speak. Keep your dialogue neat and clean.
tension
This is like that line from that Spongebob episode: "Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. A smelly smell that smells... smelly."
Unless you are specifically trying to make the reader think of this scene (in which case, carry on), this is exceedingly silly, sir or madame, and ought be ceased forthwith.
Yes, she heard a sound, it was a sound, it continues to be a sound, it sounded sound-y, and WE GET THE IDEA!
Dispense with this silliness. Burn these sentences. Toss their ashes to the winds and start over.
Unless she is referring to a golf ball, she can't hit anything into its brain... or unless she hit it so hard its entire brain became a bowl.
Try "But, what was this, then?" or "Then, what was this?"
That isn't a word at all. It's "deprivation" you're looking for, innit?"
Put a comma after "saying," please. If what follows "saying" is a questioning thought, it should be a comma, to indicate pause.
Final one before I have to go to work. More later.
A grin on its face. When you're referring to a person in conversation and don't want to assume gender, sure, use their, but when you are referring to a "shadow figure" or an object or an animal or anything else not a person or without a gender (express or implied) in narration, always, always use its. Using ambiguous pronouns in conversation is fine, for politeness' sake, but in writing, pronouns must be certain.
Round 2... Fight!
This one is a little complicated, and it took me ten minutes of googling to find out what it was called, as I'd forgotten the term in the intervening years since Senior English class, when I learned diagramming sentences: A participial phrase. You can start yelling at me. I won't retaliate.
"Groaning at the pain that filled my skull," is the participial phrase, which describes the subject of the sentence. Who is groaning? Well, Green Narrator Alicorn yet to be named by Head Voices is groaning, so she must be the subject--but wait, "a familiar voice" follows it immediately and what in tarnation is going on here? A familiar voice can't be the subject; that can't groan! A pony can groan, and is groaning, but she seems to have misplaced herself in this sentence.
I doubt this is the first such phrase in this chapter; it's simply the most jarring one that caught my attention right away. There isn't really an easy way to rebuild this sentence as it is while retaining the participial phrase, except with something like, "Groaning at the pain that filled my skull, I heard a familiar voice fill my ears..." Which, incidentally, is directly narrating that the narrator heard someone say something, and you just as easily can have the person speak their lines without inserting the redundant "I heard her say this" bit.
As an aside, generally speaking, you shouldn't directly narrate anything of that sort, whether it's "I heard this" or "I felt this" or "I smelled this." Unless you want to draw attention specifically to a particular sensation (if, for example, it is a highly unusual sensation or is otherwise out-of-place in context), it is better to skip such description. Rather than describing that the person sensed anything, simply narrate it as it happens, as you did well with "a familiar voice filled my ears." At least in the context of limited-perspective narration, such as the kind typically used in first-person stories, simply narrating the event is usually evidence enough that the narrator has observed the event; the reader doesn't need to be explicitly told that the narrator heard another character speak, as the dialogue itself taking place indicates that the narrator is (probably) conscious to hear it. This principle sort of falls under the "show, don't tell" umbrella, but it also falls under "omit needless words," and the latter is more important. Moving on...
First one, while I'm thinking about it--and I really should have mentioned this earlier--you shouldn't capitalize an article, the, when referring to the Goddess.
The second one is a passive-voice thing: "the one whose head I cut off" or "the one I decapitated" is simpler and more direct, and also in the active voice. You could be implying deliberately that this alicorn didn't take the credit for said decapitation, rather that her shield did it all on its own, but, somehow, I doubt disciples of the Great and Powerful Trixie would fail to take credit for a worthy feat of
bullet-head-itisshield-neck-itis.The third one is a list issue. Try "We need to get out of here, gather the others, and return to the Goddess." Merely making it a simple 1-2-3 list, however, runs the risk of eliminating the urgency. To put more emphasis on the important part, try this: "We must return to the Goddess. We should get out of here and gather the others." How you rearrange it changes which part is emphasized, so be careful. A little shuffling can have great impact.
Four is mostly tense agreement, with a side of slightly complicated. "Things are far more dangerous here than the previous expedition had led us to believe, it seems."
It makes more sense for her to speak of it in the present, as they are still there, amid the dangers, during this scene. If this were internal dialogue, narration by Prepper, the past tense would be correct, since she is describing events of the past, but when it's someone speaking during that described event, it is odd for her to speak of it as though it has happened already and is over with.
This is another participial phrase with an easy fix. "As I nodded my head, a bolt of pain shot down my neck, and I remembered quickly how I was knocked out to begin with."
Or try this: "A bolt of pain shot down my neck as I nodded my head, which quickly reminded me of just how I had been knocked out to begin with." I use "had been knocked out" here because Prepper is describing an event that occurred at a definite point in the past, while speaking in the past tense.
The only odd thing here is that the second sentence acts as an addendum to the first, but is independent. Try joining them with a semicolon, since it comes off as an afterthought to the first. "... seemed to be in working order; everything apart from my mind, still filled with the vision, and my neck, injured and sore."
Are you British? Also, you can spread your wings; you don't have to spread out your wings. It isn't technically wrong, just less right.
This flows more nicely if you switch around "as they fell" to the beginning. "As they fell, I could only thank the Goddess..."
However, as an aside, must always be accompanied by a comma: One comma if at the beginning of a phrase, and two commas if in the middle of a phrase. "The unicorn, however, seemed..."
Another participial phrase that makes an unintended subject of "my blood." You may want to redo this one as two separated thoughts. "As I looked over to the building...--... my blood ran cold: Two corpses lay just inside the building." Or something like that.
"No ghouls seemed present" is a comma splice, and is the ideal type of aside you might put inside em dashes. "Without any doubt" is a negative that can be the positive "with no doubt," instead. That phrase can be shortened to something like, "as much blood had pooled around their bodies, I was certain they had not survived."
One of Prepper's sisters, one of her friends, just died. Make it punctual and impactful, not drawn-out and wishy-washy. Don't say there was no doubt they could not have escaped death; say that death caught them.
Referring to a definite event in the past usually requires the past perfect.
...*looks back at the two dead alicorns*... you sure about that
Congratulations, you have started to grow beyond the limitations of Unity and the Goddess
Sorry if this comment sounded a little snippy, but have... issues, with the Goddess and how she uses Unity.........almost went on a rant there for a moment.
And, since I can't stop myself completely I will say this.
"My issues with the Goddess stem from simple fact that she could have become a being truly worthy of her name.
However, due to her personality, and the limitations she forced on her children, that became impossible."