Pinkie's Doom Parade

by NeuPferdfurt

raisins for Cuckoolhu

“Let’s start with a simple observation: Some ponies like raisins. Some ponies don’t. Some ponies go through great lengths to get their daily fix, others waste the whole morning picking their muesli or their raisin buns out of fear even one lousy raisin might find its way down their throats- and let me tell you, that’s difficult to do if you have only one toe on every leg.
I, Pinkie Pie, vowed to end this madness once for all!
How?, you may ask. Simple. If some ponies think there are too many raisins, and others think there aren’t enough to go around, the solution should be obvious!
That’s right! The PINKEMINA RAISIN-TRON 3000 (patent pending)!”

Pinkie Pie pushed a button on her remote control to activate a video projector.

“As you can see in this footage, the Raisintron strikes quickly and mercilessly, for his quest is a quest of justice! A quest of truth! A quest of honor...”

We see a kitchen table with a pony family having their breakfast. The foals are crying. The mother is looking depressed, tired. She seems to be pouring herself a glass of wine. The father is trying to eliminate the raisins from his muesli bowl, but unable to catch them all without spilling everything, he is getting angry, stomping and screaming, even though we can’t tell since it is a silent movie.
Suddenly, a small floating robot is breaking through a kitchen window. With countless metal arms, the machine is reaching into the muesli and the raisin buns. Within seconds, the kitchen is raisin-free. We can’t hear the family cheer, again, it’s a silent movie, but they sure look happy. If you can read lips (or if you just read the subtitles), you see that they are chanting “THANK YOU, RAISINTRON 3000!” as the robot is buzzing off, breaking another window. For some reason, he is also abducting the family cat.

“Now, you might wonder: Pinkie, that’s wonderful, but what about those ponies who would like to have MORE raisins? That’s a good question! You see, the Raisintron 3000 (patent pending) doesn’t only collect raisins, he can also distribute them to ponies in need! Just as he is patroling every house for ponies who got too much, he is visiting those who don’t have enough! We at P-Pie Industries call this the ‘Raisin Hood’-principle.”

There were more pressing matters, but still, there was one thing Twilight Sparkle simply had to get off her chest right away.
“Pinkie... who in their right mind would want to eat raisins extracted from another pony’s meal by an angry robot?”

“Who wouldn’t? HEY TRONNY! Mama needs a refill!”
Pinkie Pie was swinging a huge, empty mug. The flying robot darted to her position and started vomiting raisins until she seemed satisfied.
“That’s a goood boy”. She emptied the mug in one go. “Now go look for more!”

The camera eyes of the robot and those of the purple unicorn met. The machine couldn’t talk, but still, the pony thought it looked as if it was trying to say: “It’s a living.”

Twilight nodded. That made sense. In a very Pinkie Pie-kind of way.
“Alright. I have another question.”

“I’m all ear!”

“How is that going to help us keep the evil lord Cuckoolhu and his army from invading and destroying our world?”

Pinkie turned around. Behind her, the other ponies were fighting a gigantic feathered tentacle monster that was trying to creep into the library’s basement through a demonic portal.
“Oh that. Ask him if he likes raisins.”

It turned out he did.

Comments

[Eriniou]

I feel as though I am staring into the heart of a star, one composed of pure random insanity and references that never needed to be made but must be heard. I can feel the corners of my mouth burning with a smile while the skin of my face aches from repeated impacts with my palm.

Bravo.