Pinkie's Doom Parade

by NeuPferdfurt

Hoofland Security, or: Swing a spell

“Goodbye Foreignistan, and hellooo sweet Equestria! Am I glad to be back!”
Rainbow Dash marched into the border station like a one-pony army hungry for conquest.

“Hold it right there!! Where do ya think ya goin’?!”

A colt wearing a uniform jumped in front of the blue pegasus and pushed her back a few steps.

“Hey? What gives!” Rainbow Dash protested.

“HOOFLAND SECURITY! Get behind the red line! You ain’t puttin’ no hoof on Equestrian soil until after you pass the controls one by one.”

“Alright, alright. Geez.”

“You bet it’s alright.”

The six fillies gathered behind the line, unsure what they were supposed to expect.

“Open these saddlepacks. And I mean a minute ago.”

The young ponies did as they were told, though decided to ignore the part requiring time-travel. The colts put their stuff aside on one big pile. After that, they snatched the empty luggage and started tearing it apart.

“What on Earth?!”, Rarity whined, “This sac-à-dos has been manufactured in Pearis! How can you commit such a crime against fashion?”

“SHUT UP. You’re talking all fancy-like, but we know of all of yah dirty shenenigans. You ain’t getting anything unlegal or terroristish past this particular outpost, no sir.”

Twilight Sparkle was shocked.
“Sir, there must be some sort of misunderstanding... If you just let me get the papers from my bag... You see, we were on an important Canterlot mission, sent by Princess Celestia herself...”

“Do I look like I care? In these parts, we do things a little differently.”

Twilight frowned. From the corner of her eye, she noticed that a young border guard was examining one of her books, obviously wondering what he was looking at. He was holding it upside down.
“You don’t say.”

-

It took the guards over an hour going through their luggage, destroying everything that looked even remotely suspicious to them. Which apparently included toothpaste. And hay sandwiches.

“Alright then. Proceed to the next checkpoint.”

“Thank you.That’s too kind”, Twilight said.

They passed the “checkpoint”. This part was every bit as humiliating as the previous one. The border ponies were using sticks and even their bare hooves to go through the fillies’ manes and tails. They looked into their mouths and examined their hooves.
They were comparing the appearance of the mares with the pictures in their passports, always sceptical, telling them to smile, to turn around, to stand on their heads.

When it was Pinkie's turn, the guard took just one look at her passport and pressed a red button on his desk. A trapdoor opened beneath the earth pony, and she was swallowed by the darkness.
"Weeeeeeee!! It's a slide...!!"

-

Then came the questions.

“Have you come to this country to assas... assad... viciously murder Princess Celestia, our beloved ruler?”

Twilight loved rules and procedures. Normally, she wouldn’t have questioned anypony using a checklist for their work. But she was tired, and felt somewhat responsible for the humiliation of her friends. She was their leader. The fillies had followed her to far away lands, believing they were agents of Canterlot on a great and honorable mission. Twilight had lead them right into a place where they were treated like dirt. And she didn't even know what they were doing to Pinkie Pie yet.

“This is beyond ridiculous... If Celestia knew about the way you are treating us, she would...”

“ANSWER THE QUESTION!”

“No. No I have not come here to assassinate my beloved mentor, who was like a mother to me.”

“I’ll mark that as a ‘maybe’, smartdonkey... Get out of the line.”

“Sure. Whatever.”

Applejack passed, perhaps because of her accent. The other fillies were lead to a nearby area for further interrogation.

The mare responsible for this part was shaking her head in disgust.
“Ah would not believe it had Ah not to look at it with mah very own eyes... Ah’m supposed to let critters like that cross over into mah homeland... Alright then. You there. Yes, the feathered one. C’m here. Cavity search.”

Rainbow Dash turned pale.
“Beg pardon?”

“You hurd me. CAVITY SEARCH. Move your flank into position.”

Rainbow was shaking her head with all her might.
“Uh-uh!”

“YOU DO AS YAH TOLD!”

“I’m a pony! I’m a citizen of Equestria! You can’t do this to me!”

“Until you pass this fine station, you are nothing but foreign SCUM, as far as Ah’m concerned. And Ah can do to foreign scum WHATEVER damn pleases me.”

“No way! Buck this! I’m outta here!”

Rainbow lift off, determined to dash for the door. Forgetting momentarily that she was about to ditch her friends.
But from one second to the next, she was covered in uniformed ponies who had jumped on her, forming a huge pile.

The promised cavity search in mind, the young pegasus was fighting desperately for her freedom, kicking and biting in every direction.
“GET OFF ME!”

Applejack, who had been alert the second the words “cavity search” had been pronounced, had already joined the fight.

“Hold on, Rainbow!”
And then Rarity joined in, hollering like a bloodthirsty barbarian. Finally, she got the occasion to avenge her saddlepack- which was only a bonus, of course.
Fluttershy had curled up in a corner, whining like a hurt kitten.

No problem, Twilight thought, observing the raging battle in front of her, having passed the mountains of madness and reached a delirious state of absolute Zen. No problem at all. I can fix this. I... organize things. That’s my deal.

Her eyes and her horn started glowing. A flash of light.

When Twilight woke from her trance, she saw that the fighting ponies were now floating in the air, paralyzed and harmless. They were panting and shaking, their sweat, tears and drool dropping on the floor. Twilight felt the sudden urge to bang the heads of a few border guards together for good measure, but instead, the civilized part of her made her say:

“Oookay. I think we got off on the wrong hoof. Why don’t we all just calm down, so I can show you the papers Princess Celestia gave to me for just this sort of occasion...”

Strange. All the floating ponies were staring at a point behind her. Too bad they couldn’t use their vocal cords. Twilight’s friends looked as if they were quite eager to tell her something.

Then Twilight sank to the floor. A mare from the border guard had managed to sneak up behind her and strike her with a baton.

The floating ponies were hanging in the air for one more second, then they dropped to the floor with a collective cry.

-

Twilight Sparkle sighted.

They had been put in a depressing little cell, where they were now awaiting their destiny. Again and again, the unicorn pony had told the guards about the official papers, but they wouldn’t listen to her. If only Spike had been with her! The little dragon could have sent a message to the princess. She felt so very lost, but she tried to be strong. She owed it to her friends, who were cold and scared and looking to her for answers.

Rarity was walking in circles in front of the iron bars.
“I don’t understand! How can the princess possibly tolerate this sort of thing? It’s downright barbaric!”

“All provinces have a status of self-determination”, Twilight explained, “They make their own rules. The ties to Canterlot are not that strong, especially in the outer regions. I knew this part of the border was controlled by local militias, but I had no idea just HOW ‘local’ they were...”

Rainbow Dash snorted, her pride still hurt from being publicly singled out for a cavity search.
“I think Applejack should talk to them. They must be relatives of hers.”

“Now wait just a gosh-darned second...!”, Applejack protested.

“I’m just saying, some family trees do fork more than others.”

“Well, FORK YOU!”

“Girls...”, Twilight sighted.

Fluttershy had curled up like an armadillo again. “...What do you think they’re going to do to Pinkie Pie?”

-

“Listen up!”
The command made the fillies jump.

Another uniformed colt had appeared.
“According to our regulations, we require witnesses for the execution. Since the convict is your friend, we reckon you should attend the procedure.”

Twilight’s brain refused to digest this new information at first, but then she heard herself ask:
“The CONVICT. The EXECUTION. You would’t happen to be talking about our friend Pinkie Pie?”

The colt was checking a note.
“Eee-Yup. I reckon’ that’s the one. So, you’re coming?”

-

The fillies gasped as they were brought into the execution chamber. So that’s what an electric chair looked like.

“Hi you guys!!!”
Pinkie seemed as joyful as ever.

She was already strapped to the contraption. A priest was standing next to her, reading from the holy scripture.

“Awww... that part is boring. Don’t you have anything about the pharao, the sun and the holy alligator?”

The priest snuffed and backed away. He wasn’t going to waste another word on her.

“Oh good, they’re here. Let the juice flow!”

The five friends had no time to react. All they could do was scream as the uniformed colt pulled the lever.

-

“What is going on here?! BUZZ her again!”

Once again, they pulled the lever. Pinkie Pie was shaking on the electric chair, her eyes rotating, her teeth vibrating, her mane twisting and inflating like a bag pipe.
“ Thiiis maaakes myyy voooice sooound siiilly...!”

When the current was cut, she sank back into the chair, steaming, but perfectly unharmed.
“Phew. What a ride... A little short, though.”

“This is impossible! Not even a pegasus could survive this amount of electricity!”

“It’s her mane, sir! Somehow it is absorbing the electricity, I reckon, and...”

“Well then, shave her stupid head!”

“We already tried that, sir! But it will grow back!”

“So?!”

“You don’t understand... It keeps growing back... right away!”

Twilight Sparkle used the general confusion to talk to who she assumed to be the local sheriff. Right now, Pinkie seemed to be doing fine by herself, so maybe the unicorn had enough time to figure something out.
“What is the meaning of this? Doesn’t she at least get a trial? And why her?”

“Pinkemina Diane Pie is on the ‘no-life’ list. She’s a wanted offender in seven provinces, includin’ this one. She already had her trial. And more than just one. Boy, Am I glad we’re the ones who finally got our hooves on her...”

“What is she even punished for?”

The sheriff was unrolling a piece of parchment. It was long. Quite long.
“My, it’s so hard to pick just one example... How about this: She made fun of Ponycaust-victims!”

The girls gasped.

“I didn’t do THAT!”, Pinkie protested, “I was making fun of YOU!”

“Well, yes”, the sheriff said, “Did you know my parents died in the Ponycaust?”

“Oh, Gosh... I’m so sorry to hear that...”

“Nah, they didn’t really die. They were involved, though. Let’s see, what else do we have here... Making children laugh... Exercising her right to free speech... Public nudity (=wearing no hat in a hat zone)... Indecent behaviour... AHA! Eating our governor!”

“I tell you, that was one tough cookie... ‘Caus he was a cookie! With a cute little top hat.”

“He was a good man... They don’t bake politicians like they used to. Alright, what else... Corrupting alligators... Encouraging public fillyfooling... Preventing suicides... Being on an arbitrary ‘no-life’ list...“
He turned around to talk to the technicians. “Will you get this thing going or what?”

-

Since the electric chair proved ineffective, the ponies of the militia decided to murder Pinkie Pie the old fashioned way.
They brought Pinkie to a wooden platform just outside the station and put a rope around her neck.

“Pinkemina Diane Pie, for your crimes against this province and its ponies and its baked goods, you shall hang until your soul is descending to a plane of existence more liberal than this one. Any last words?”

“I think I’ll have to go with... ‘Walrus-cupcake’!”

“That’s your last word?”

“I’m afraid so. No, WAIT! These are my last words! Or these... Or maybe even these! Geez, I tell you, these last words are going on and on...”

“No they’re not.”

Pinkie dropped and started dangling on the rope. The party pony’s friends were not too worried, though, and soon the militia ponies saw why that was.

“Sweet mother of nonsense, would you look at that...”

“What discordery is that?!”

“Yipiiiie! This is FUN!”
Pinkie was spinning up and down like a never-ending Yo-yo.

-

Montage!

Lethal injection?

"Hihi! That tickles in my veines."

Decapitation?

The blade was bouncing off and soaring away, into the sunset.
"Yeah. My flesh is kinda bouncy. Must be bad influence from them rubber chicken."

Being dropped from a great hight?

"Hellooo? 'Bouncy'?"

Waterboarding 'till drowning?

"Thanks, you guys! I was getting a little thirsty."

Falling Anvil?

Pinkie Pie was flattened like a pancake, only to inflate again and pop back into shape.
"Pe-leeease! Everyone knows anvils can't actually harm anypony."

“I’ve had enough of this! Get them all back inside... We’ll figure something out tomorrow.”

-

A young colt from the militia stormed into the office.
“They have broken out of their cell! They have escaped! What now?”

The older colt sitting at the desk opened a large, dusty book with the county’s laws and regulations. He was humming as his hoof passed over the pages, until he found what he had been looking for. When he looked up again, his eyes had narrowed to happy slits, and he smiled almost from one ear to the other.

“Joy.”

“What is it?”

“Technically, they are all horse thieves now.”

This took a second to sink in. Then the whole station roared in a collective “YEEE-HA!”, the low morale from the previous, unsuccessful execution attempts being a thing of the past.
Grabbing their batons and their lassos, they ran out into the night.

Comments

[NeuPferdfurt]

444279 Wow. That's, like, the coolest thing anyone has ever said to me.

[Rakaziel]

Ouch. That was dark.
But still very well written