To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies

by No One and Nobody

Chapter 10: In The Time And A Half

Chapter 10: In The Time And A Half

Bizarro had been flying now for some time. He hadn't covered that much distance, but that was because he and the pony were looking for something. Despite being high up, the pony's derpy eyes were almost as sharp as his super vision.

All the while, the pony hummed a happy tune and Bizarro smiled.

The humming stopped, along with Bizarro's flight, as they both spotted something, far below them in the small city bordering a huge lake.

---

Today just hadn't been Lucy's day. She'd begged for a special assignment to show what she was capable of and had been just seconds away from snatching a picture of the criminals in the act... when she'd fallen off the dock into Denton City bay.

She'd come so close to getting fired, if it weren't for her almost superhuman typing speed and spelling abilities and the fact that her boss was a teddy bear of a man who just kept giving her second chances.

Still, she didn't want to stay cooped up inside an office for the rest of her life, hacking away at a computer keyboard. She wanted adventure.

Her clothes had dried off awhile back, but her shoes still squelched loudly along the pavement back to her apartment. Least things can't get any worse.

"Hey lady, in here!" Said a voice to her left and her eyes went wide as golf-balls behind her thick-rimmed glasses as she turned to see a revolver aimed at her nose from down an alleyway.

The thief quickly grabbed her purse and necklace and ran out of the alley, still point the gun at her.

She leaned back against the side of the alley and moaned softly. Outside the alley there was a strange sound, almost like a falling sack of sand and bricks hitting the ground.

Exiting the alley, Lucy froze and stared at what was before her.

A titan of a being stood there, atop the fallen thief. Their red cape streaming in the breeze and navy blue costume accentuating the powerful muscles beneath it.

Reaching down, the figure pulled the stolen items from the unconscious thief's hands and held them out to her.

"Me see lady in trouble. Derpy Pony say we help. Did me help?"

That's when Lucy noticed the small gray creature sitting on his shoulder. She smiled and waved.

Lucy nodded dumbfoundedly and took back the proffered belongings.

"You OK?" he asked, giving her a strange look.

"Yeah- yeah I just-" Lucy adjusted her glasses, "You're not... Superman, by any chance, are you?"

They shook their head. "No, me am not Superman, me am- someone else like him."

Lucy nodded and gulped, "Yeah, I guess that's just my luck. Not my day today."

The pony poked him in the ear, and he looked from her back to Lucy before nodded. "Me know what that like. Today not me day either. But me on adventure to find out what me reason is."

"Your... reason?"

"Me reason is what me am meant to do. Me am not Superman so me am have to find me reason to know what me am."

"Ahhh," Lucy nodded and then looked down at the downed thief. "Well, I'd say you make a pretty good hero. And our city sure needs one of those right now."

The figure looked down at his unconscious human pedestal and then back up at Lucy.

"Me am not sure me know how to be hero. Me want to be, but me think me need help."

"Hmmmm." Lucy looked from the 'not Superman' towards back the way she'd come from. "Follow me. I might be able to help with that."

---

The newspaper office was dark and deserted as they made their way down the hallway to the closet-turned office of one Lucy Laraine.

Opening the door, Lucy led in her two friends.

"It's- right... here!" Lucy almost fell over shifting the hefty box off the shelf, but 'not Superman' supported it with one hand as she placed it on the ground.

"I've been collecting newspaper stories about heroes my whole life," she said, pulling out clipping after clipping.

Superman saves train from crashing! Vigilante Batman stops Scarecrow from poisoning water supply. Superman stops tidal wave from destroying Metropolis! Flash catches bank robbers... in a flash!

"It's sort of a hobby," Lucy adjusted her glasses again, "But maybe it can help you somehow."

Picking up a clipping, 'not Superman' stared longingly at the being in the picture who he resembled.

"What first thing me should do?" He asked, looking up at her.

"Well, you can't go around dressed like that the whole time." Lucy pulled open a drawer and extracted several reams of paper filled with colored in times lines. Just before she shut the drawer again, she glanced at the list that had been underneath the stack.

Batman?: movie star, stuntman, [-millionaire-], Superman?: reporter, policeman, [-first-responder-], Flash?: ...

"I've been paying attention to these heroes my whole life and I'm pretty sure they have some kind of second-life, like another identity that they use when they're not being a hero. Helps them blend in, and might even provide a way for them to learn how to be better at saving the rest of us."

'Not Superman' looked from the papers back to Lucy. "So... me should not be me sometimes?"

"Yeah, that way you could hide in plain sight and know who to help and where to be to do the most good."

"What job should me do?"

Lucy set the papers down and looked at them. "Well, for someone... LIKE Superman, I used to think a policeman or a first responder might know where to go to save people. But recently I've begun to think someone working at a newspaper might be better, because we don't just report everything that happens, sometimes we try to predict things and put puzzle pieces together, almost like a detective."

Lucy looked sadly at a framed picture on her desk of an old man sitting in an office, while a little girl peaked over the edge of his desk, trying to see what he was doing.

"So you make me nooz-paper man?"

"Well that would actually be my boss," said Lucy, grimacing. Then she grinned, "And the workaholic might actually still be here."

---

Kirby didn't even look up to recognize the knock at his door. "Laraine I thought I told you to go home before you come down with something."

Sticking her head in the door, Lucy smiled hopefully at her boss. "Well, I found something- or rather someone you might want to meet."

Kirby cupped his face in his hands to hide his grimace. "Not another charity case Miss Laraine. I told you, we're barely making it right now."

"This is different."

Kirby looked up to see a huge, almost Superman-like figure in the doorway.

"He wants to be a hero, and I thought if he "worked" here, he might learn where he could best help people, and we could get the scoop before any other newspaper."

"Lucy, if I hired Superman, everyone would know who he is."

"Me am not Superman."

"Well then, who are you?"

"Since you don't know who you are," cut in Lucy, "What if, for now, we called you... X-Man?"

"Me not think that sound right..."

"Whatever we call him, we can't hire superheroes Lucy. I know you're trying to help but-"

"Me actually have name. But you no like it. Me name is... Bizarro."

"That monster that tore up Metropolis?!" Spluttered Kirby.

"Please, me sorry. Me not try to be monster, but me make mistakes. That why little friend say she help me make good choices and find me reason."

Derpy waved to Kirby. Kirby rubbed his tired eyes and sighed.

"And if we gave him a different name and some sort of disguise," said Lucy, cautiously, "No one would be the wiser. Something charming and heroic, like 'Captain Kirk'."

Kirby gave a tired chuckle and shook his head, "You never give up do you Lucy..." He rubbed his chin and looked at one of the posters on his wall. "But a big fellow like him? Nah, if anything, he needs something manly, like 'Clint Eastwood'."

They were interrupted by the sound of a door slamming outside his office.

Glancing at his watch, Kirby blanched. "You two shouldn't be here right now. Quick, hide!"

Thinking fast, Lucy shoved Bizarro into the closet and then grabbed some papers from Kirby's desk to look busy.

Seconds later the door slammed open and in walked a short, pudgy man wearing a loud suit, a greasy expression, sporting a huge tuft of blonde hair, and flanked by two monstrous bodyguards.

Kirby stood nervously and greeted him. "Evening Mr. Denton, how can I help-"

"You can shut up now." Cut in Denton, squinting at Kirby.

"What about her boss?" Asked the man on his right, pointing at Lucy.

"Her? Her who?" Denton swiveled his head at the mention of another person in the room. "Is she cute?"

"That's Lucy, she's one of my reporters," said Kirby, waving a hand at her, "You can leave us now miss Laraine."

"She stays." Said Denton, "In fact, she can sit next to me. Though, I should warn you, I'm not know for keeping my hands to-"

The guard on Denton's left interrupted. "Sir, don't forget why you're here."

"Forget? I never forget! I've got a perfect memory." Said Denton poking his guard in the stomach. "You!" He pointed at the window behind Kirby. The guard aimed Denton's finger at Kirby. "You've been printing fake news about me. I don't like that."

"Sir, I try to print what my reporters find with the utmost honesty-"

Denton ignored him and whispered loudly at the guard on his left, "Lies. All lies. Can't give an honest answer to save his life."

"I think what Kirby is trying to say," cut in Lucy, "Is that he trusts his reporters to give it to him straight. Surely you can respect the common working man, sir..."

"Who said that?" Said Denton, looking around.

"It was the bird," said the first guard.

"Right. Listen here cutie," Denton started walking towards a lamp on Lucy's right. "I don't like fake news. But if there's one thing I can't stand it's disrespect for the honest working man that helped build this great city in the first place. Therefore-"

This time the guard caught and aimed his finger straight at Kirby, the first time, as Denton spun around.

"I'm going to give you a second chance. But I don't want any more fake news about me, got it?"

Kirby sighed and nodded. "Yes sir."

With that Denton spun around, and both Lucy and Kirby winced as he flung open the closet door to see Bizarro in a suit and tie and wearing Kirby's Halloween Groucho Marx costume.

"Who put this vending machine here?!" Yelled Denton at the two guards.

"That is our newest reporter," said Lucy, gulping, "Kirby just hired him."

"Uhh, yes," agreed Kirby, sweating.

"Another 'honest reporter' ehh?" Denton glared at Bizarro's tie, "I don't want you writing any fake news about me, got that? What's your name?"

The dark smudge of a figure behind the door paused for a second and then replied in a nice, deep, manly voice. "Me name is Kirk Clint?"

"Good to know you young man, good to know you." Denton turned. "Make sure you don't put this man on any 'wild goose chases' got that?"

One of his guards bent down and whispered in Denton's ear.

"And don't go moving your closets anymore! I have just about had it with that joke."

With that Denton and his two shadows left the office and everyone started breathing again.

"Who that?"

Kirby slumped in his chair and mopped sweat from his forehead as he answered Bizarro. "That... was Dick Denton. He runs this city, and is a crook if I've ever seen one. But he's smart and rich enough no one's been able to pin anything on him yet."

"But all just might change, right boss?"

Kirby winced and let out a quiet moan.

"We can talk about this tomorrow Lucy. Right now? ... ahh-hhh." He gave a tired wave of his hand and that was how Kirk Clint came to work under Lucy Laraine at the Denton Enquirer.

---

Lex sat in the crazy room, on the tacky couch, holding his cards with a scowl that could have peeled pain while across from him sat some kind of angry, alien biker and the yellow, sickly sweet friend of his captor.

Since he was their prisoner (metaphorically speaking) he'd decided the only thing he could do was beat them at every game they'd suggested.

Ponopony, Scrabble, Jenga, Aggravation and Life had all quickly been analyzed, mastered and then exploited to the utmost to mop the floor with his opponents.

As the evening wore on, the atmosphere got heavier and heavier. Lobo had quickly adjusted to the physics-defying décor.

Now they were playing go fish and, once again, Lex was about to make a beautifully executed victory.

Turning his attention to the yellow creature, he asked, "The shy one, do you have any aces?"

He had stopped referring to her as the 'yellow thing' after Discord had politely informed him that if he failed to treat his guests with respect (and especially her) he would be perfectly capable and happy of taking him on a guided tour of the nearest sun without any sunscreen. However, he refused to use her full name.

"Oh, yes. Here you go."

She handed him an ace of spades (he still had no idea how she was able to hold them with hooves) and he placed his four aces down on the table for the rest of them to see.

The alien "Lobo" was resting his head in his hand and barely paying attention to his cards. He yawned.

"Not that this ain't been one fun night, but is there any game the bald guy ain't gonna win at?" He asked.

Lex held out his hands in a placating gesture, "I'm perfectly willing to call it a night. I'd say it was fun, but-"

"Please Lex, we all know you're not having fun. Why do you have to ruin if for everyone else though?"

"Well maybe if you were all more of a challenge..."

"Oh drop the act, you're not fooling anyone Luthor. We all know you're just beating us because you're a sore loser and don't want to accept our help."

"Hmmmm, you don't say. Well maybe I would have been more willing if you hadn't tried to kill me for the past three days!"

Discord waved his hand, "Oh please, you were fine. I was there the whole time."

"And you did NOTHING!"

"Well how boring would it be for you, if I did everything for you?"

"I was shot at, stabbed at, stepped on, turned inside out and into a chicken, almost got eaten by a dragon, and jumped out a window and you did nothing!"

"Well of course, it was YOUR adventure. It's not my fault you don't have an adventurous bone in your body."

"If you had anything to say about it, I wouldn't have ANY bones in my body."

"If you actually listened to what I had to say, you'd be too busy having fun to worry about it."

The yellow pony put a hoof on Discord's shoulder and gently pushed him back down into his seat.

"Maybe we just picked the wrong game," she said.

"Any game you can win at would be the wrong game with that guy." Muttered Lobo, examining one of the little sandwiches before deciding there wasn't anything else available and eating out of boredom.

"There, you see. I can't be beaten, so why don't you just give up and take me home."

"Because, you haven't even attempted to play one of the games right."

"I won, fair and square."

"That's just it. Look at us Lex, what do you see?"

"Opponents."

"Exactly. You don't play board games with opponents, you play them with friends. Pardon my Prench Fluttershy, but Lex... Shut the $#!7 up about winning and pay attention to WHO you're playing WITH."

Lex sat there, glaring back at the draconequus who looked back at him, drumming his claws on the table. The yellow pegasus sat there, looking between the two of them.

Then suddenly her eyes brightened as she got an idea. Flying over to the draconequus she whispered something into his ear and his face brightened as well.

"You are so right Fluttershy, I should have thought of that sooner. We've been playing the wrong game this whole time."

Lex's eye almost twitched, but he held it in. No one was going to break him.

With a snap of his fingers, the cards were replaced by 'something' covered in a dark black cloth.

"Some things might still need a little work Fluttershy," he said, turning to the pegasus, "I've been working on this campaign for ages and I didn't want to play it with you till it was perfect."

"I'm sure it will be fine, Discord," she said, giving him the most disgustingly sweet smile.

Lex was certain that his captor had brought the friendly, little, yellow bird-horse there just to make it even more difficult for him. Then one of the words caught his attention.

"And this game's gonna be different 'cause..." said Lobo yawning again.

"Because this game's about teamwork," said the bird-horse-alien-thing with the big eyes to her prisoner.

"Welcome..." said the draconequus, dimming the lights and pulling back the black cloth to reveal a different kind of board, a slew of dice and a stack of papers, "To the world of Ogres and Oubliettes."

Lex rolled his eyes and massaged the side of his head.

"The continent of Pferdaria is a small verdant land ruled by the evil queen Lunara, a depressing stick-in-the-mud, who allows no fun, practical jokes, puns or comedic situation of any kind in her kingdom. She rules with with an iron ho-I mean claw and tolerates absolutely zero levity at her own expense. You three are a righteous bunch of rapscallions who have just been captured by the royal guard and are being taken to the dark tower of nightmares to be imprisoned for a thousand years."

The silence following Discord's introduction was interrupted by the pegasus, "Could I be a healer druid?"

Lobo looked at her and then grabbed a figurine and placing it on the board, "Whatever, I'm a barbarian."

Lex had almost had enough.

"You're going soft Lobo." He muttered, glaring at him.

Lobo looked at him and then at the pegasus next to him and smiled. "Yeah, well... Maybe she's worth going a little soft for."

That was it. Lex stood up and flipped the table, sending board, figurines, dice and papers flying.

"Has the whole world gone insane?!" He screamed.

"Is your whole point just to make me miserable?" He pointed at them all, the pink-haired one shying back with a whimper, "This farcical attempt at "friendship"? I might almost laugh it weren't all so cringe-"

Lex was cut off as Lobo grabbed him by one hand and lifted him into the air.

"Listen bub. One thing you can't say is that I'm anything like these two. I'm somekind of empartial third party or somethin. And you wanna know what I think? I think you ain't miserable, you're jus' pretendin real hard, and makin' the rest of us miserable in the process isn't helpin' your attitude. I came 'cause she said it'd be fun, and you know what, these two have tried everything they could to at least try an make it enjoyable, but you keep ruinin' it. Heck, if a bad-mannered, barbarian, bounty hunter like Lobo can behave this long, you'd think a stuffed shirt like you would at least know how to fake it. So here's how it's gonna go down. You're gonna behave yourself and try for fifteen flurbin' minutes to have fun or at least not ruin it for the rest of us, or else these two ain't gonna stop me from what I plan on doing to ya. Shouldn't be too hard for you. Got it?"

Despite the threat, Lobo's tone had been even and measured, which probably unnerved Lex even more.

Lobo placed Lex back on the couch and sat down as Discord snapped everything back into order.

Straightening his suit, Lex tried to regain some semblance of composure. "Fine, then I shall be a wizar-"

"Nope."

"Excuse me?"

Lobo shook his head, "Ya ain't gonna be some kind of metaphysical whatchamacallit that'll screw everything up." Lobo began digging around in the assortment of figurines.

"I think you're gonna be uhh... A dwarf. A short dwarf with a bald head, named uhh- Pex."

Lex stared at the squat figurine in front of him and then back up at Lobo.

The alien's eyes practically burned into his soul. "Least you're not a goblin, right?"

Lex gritted his teeth in a forced grimace as he stared back. "Pex the dwarf. It... fits. me."

"Alright," said Discord, "In that case, Pex the dwarf-"

"Gorg."

"Gorg the barbarian and-"

"Wintergreen Thrush."

"And Wintergreen Thrush are all in the back of a magical wagon on their way to the dark tower of nightmares when out of the pitch black of the dark forest a stag flashes, upsetting the cart you're all chained to. The cart tips over and you all fall out. This is the start of your adventure."

---

The three adventures stood in the forest, an angry little dwarf, a hulking half-naked barbarian and a beautiful druid in a long flowing robe.

"What the heck is this?!" Yelled Gorg the barbarian, pulling on his chains.

"Oh don't worry," said the druid, waving her hoof, "It was pretty weird for me the first time as well. This is how Discord runs his Ogres and Oubliettes games."

"OK, but how do we get out of here?" Asked Gorg, trying to rip the other end of the chain out of the floor of the upturned cart.

"That's your problem," said the short, bald dwarf, sitting down in the grass. "I just have to put up with this for 15 minutes."

"Why you little-" Gorg reached for the dwarf, the number 2 flashed in the air in front of them all, and he tripped on a stone and went sprawling next to Pex, who'd stepped aside.

"What the-" Said Gorg, his mouth full of grass

"If I'm correct, this is some sort of role playing game where the success of our outcomes is based on the role of a die." Said Pex stepping calmly past Gorg.

"OK, well in that case, maybe you could try helping us?" Asked Wintergreen, "Because I'm pretty sure Gorg, despite his clumsiness, can only fail so many times before he gets lucky with a roll on catching you."

A 20+10 appeared above the druid pony's head and Pex noticed Gorg grinning at him from the dirt.

"Very well, I might have a solution to our problem. But first, why did you have two numbers?"

A book appeared, floating in mid-air above the adventurers, it opened and out popped the misty, glowing head of Discord.

"So in this quest each of you gets a special bonus. One of your skills gets maxed. Fluttershy just chose to max her diplomacy skill which means any task that requires that skill adds +20 to her roll."

"Oh, you know me so well, Discord."

"Think nothing of it Fluttershy."

Pex's eyes widened, "In that case, I choose to max my intelligence."

Discord shook his head, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid you've already maxed a different skill."

"What?!"

"Yes, in wishing to find the best means of escape, you already maxed your awaredness skill."

Gorg rolled over, spat out a wad of dirt and sat up. "What skill have I maxed?"

"Well you were so certain in your ability to clobber Pex that you didn't even care that you failed that roll. As of right now, your max skill is still free for you to choose."

"In that case," he said, looking over at Pex, "I think I'll wait till later to make my decision. Keep the idiot dwarf on his toes."

"Well this "idiot dwarf" might just be the only one who knows a way out of this mess," said Pex as Discord and the book vanished back into the ether.

"Well?" Said Gorg and Wintergreen together.

"It's obvious we can't break the chain, since it was designed for us. What we need, is a force multiplier."

Gorg rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I left my gun back on my bike. What'dya want me ta do, pull a sword out'a thin air?"

"No, but could you pull this stone out of the ground and use it to break the chain?" Asked Pex, tapping the stone he was standing on with a foot.

"Move over and we'll see," said Gorg, digging his hands into the soil to get a better grip on the rock. His muscled bulged and veins stuck out as he heaved with all his might.

20+4

The rock slowly inched its way out of the ground. It was bigger than Pex had assumed at just a few inches taller than Gorg, but somehow he managed to extract it.

Setting it down on the ground, Gorg leaned against it and grinned. "Still the strongest, no matter where I am."

"Well, don't just stand there!" Yelled Pex, pointing at the wagon. "Break the chain!"

Strength: 20+5

Accuracy: 2

*CRUNCH*

Rock smashed wood and the wagon disintegrated leaving broken fragments strewn across the road.

"Whoops," said Gorg, holding up the metal bracket that had fastened their chains to the cart... and still linked them together.

---

Several minutes had passed while they tried smashing the bracket, but to no avail.

At last they gave up and decided to see if there was a blacksmith nearby who could remove their chain.

As they walked down the road, Pex told his fellow prisoners to let him do the talking when they got to the nearest town.

"Probably should let her do it actually," said Gorg, scratching his ear, "Since she's got the high diplomacy skill and whatnot."

"OK, what should I tell them?" Asked Wintergreen, "I don't want them to think we're three mean prisoners who've escape and want to hurt them."

"Why not?" said Pex, "Intimidation might be just what we need."

"Oh, I couldn't do that," said Wintergreen blushing, "That wouldn't be very nice."

Gorg snapped his fingers, "Hey! I've got it."

"What we should tell them?" Asked Pex as he and Wintergreen looked expectantly at the barbarian.

"Heck no, your last name. She's Wintergreen Thrush, and you can be Pex Stupor!"

The dwarf stopped in the middle of the road.

"No."

Then his blank stare morphed into a dark scowl as Pex Stupor felt his character sheet get updated.

Glaring daggers at the barbarian, Stupor pointed a finger at his big, ugly, grinning mug and...

"15 minutes, you're still gonna be stuck with us, I maxed my strength, and..." Gorg held up the chain, "It's not like you can escape."

Pex's finger twitched and then closed into a fist as he growled.

15

Then he grinned.

"Well in that case, you can be Gorg Duntz."

Gorg narrowed his eyes back at the dwarf as they stood there, the chain resting on the dirt road and leaves rustling in the breeze.

Gorg grinned. "I'll have you know that the Duntz name is highly respected in these parts. My father slayed a dragon and my mother single-handedly stopped an entire invading army with just a frying pan."

17

Pex stood there, staring at the barbarian, grinning from ear to ear.

"It's official. I'm trapped with the biggest losers in the universe."

"Well you're part of the group too." Gorg Duntz laughed and reached out to grab the dwarf who saw it coming a mile away and "attempted" to dodge.

15

1

Pex slipped on the only patch of wet grass on the road and fell forward into Gorg's grasp. Tucking the squirming, swearing dwarf under his arm and hefting the healing druid pony onto his shoulder, the three continued on down the road.

Comments

[Booster Spice]

"We can talk about this tomorrow Lucy. Right now? ... ahh-hhh." He gave a tired wave of his hand and that was how Kirk Clint came to work under Lucy Laraine at the Denton Enquirer.

That was a setup worthy of a Pratchett Adams collaboration.

As for Lex?

Discord is so throwing the dice where they can be seen, and I suspect Lex is a bit too distracted as of this mment to realise that being in a fantasy realm inside an unreality region outside of a superhero universe, means That Discord can be absolutely truthful in saying the game will last for 15 minutes.

But the OnO game isnt outside the Hyperbolic Time Chamber.

[Late_Night]

i just knew O&O would make its way into this
but with Lobo, Lex and 'Shy, tho?
what a motley crew, can't wait to see what future shenanigans they get up to