Socks and Sandals: The Destroyer of Worlds

by Inspectah Dash

Gorilla tactics

"Sir, they've broken through our barricades on the West side of town. Our men have set up ambush points to the west of the boutique to keep the animals from going further into town." A pony in armor addressed his commanding officer.

"Damn. Keep the supplies going to that side of Ponyville. Don't let them reach town hall." Braveheart said to the armored pony standing in front of him.

"Sir, we're running low on supplies."

"What? What about the apple orchard outside of town?

"Sir, their best farmer is injured and Applejack, one of the other farmers said the rest of the apples were destroyed by her, quote, 'dumbass friend'."

"Okay, send some of the Earth ponies at our disposal to help with the apple harvest. Be quick about it."

"Yessir." The pony said, saluting, before walking out the door of the bakery.

Braveheart used to think Ponyville was a peaceful town. Boring, but peaceful. Except for the havok Twilight Sparkle seemed to always invoke. Unfortunately, being the student of a Goddess meant she gets diplomatic immunity. He was sent to Ponyville a few months before as a military recruiter, not that there are that many recruits. Equestria barely even needed an army, but they had to be prepared for things like this.

The battle for Ponyville had been on for all of 4 hours, yet it felt like years to the town ponies who were already thrown into chaos by some Pink pony in tacky shoes. Today was a really shitty day. A burned up museum, anarchy, and now an army of woodland creatures trying to invade the small town.

They came earlier in the day. Dozens of different animals rampaging into the city breaking things, stealing, kidnapping ponies. Then they put up a flag of bears and bunny rabbits standing atop a pile of ponies. It didn't take long for Braveheart to organize a small militia and run the critters out of town. About 20 minute's later though, they came back with forces much larger then before. More ponies joined up with the militia after the first attack, but he wasn't sure if it was enough. All they could do was hold off the invading animals for long enough to figure out how this happened.

The militia made Sugarcube Corners their center of operations, considering it was relatively close to the center of town. Braveheart looked out of one of the windows on the second floor, watching smoke come from the western area of Ponyville. They learned the hard way that certain woodland animals had the ability to use fire-starting tools. The only advantage the Ponyville militia had over the critters were spears and armor, and even those were in short supply.

Some scientists were trying to figure out what was causing all the day's catastrophes.They traced most of the day's events to that pink pony everyone is so scared of. Supposedly, she lived in the building they were using as an HQ. Braveheart wasn't afraid to admit that made him a little nervous. One thing was for certain, though. If he made it out of this situation alive, he sure as hell wasn't going back to Ponyville.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Blazer walked into the fire-chief's office with some important news. Blazer was a light blue Earth pony, with a thick black mane and an even thicker Bucklyn accent. Fires were common is Manehattan's busiest borough, and Bucklyn had a high standard for fire-ponies. In short, he was good at his job.

Fire-chief Flaming Hooves was an older stallion. He was brick red and his charcoal-colored mane was jokingly considered only slightly bigger than his mustache. The most masculine of stallions would be envious of his legendary stache. With all the ruckus going on in Ponyville, Flaming Hooves certainly had his hands full.

"Chief, there's a pony here who wants to see you. She says she knows who started the fires." said Blazer.

"Send her in."

A moment later, a dark blue unicorn walked in. Her irises were pure white, almost to the point where you couldn't see them. Flaming Hooves had to admit it was kinda creepy. She didn't sit down, but began to address the chief.

"I have heard from the blue one that you may know the cause of the fateful events that have befallen us." She said in a monotone, almost robotic voice.

"No. We got something from a pony who was there, but hes unfortunately no longer with us."

"I understand. Still, it may be helpful to disclose with me what that unfortunate pony told you."

"I'm sorry, but just who are you exactly?" Flaming Hooves asked suspiciously.

"I apologize. My name is Crystal Ball, and I may be able to help you."

"How so?" The fire chief leaned back in his seat, now clearly interested.

"You must first tell me what the deceased pony said to you."

"I dunno, something about socks and sandals. Nothing beneficial."

The fortune teller let her eyes drift to the ground for a second. "Come with me. And bring the blue one."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pinkie took a moment to catch her breath. It looked like the animals had stopped chasing her. Even animals freaked out when they saw her. This. Is. Bull. Shit. Pinkie thought, unusually aggrivated at the fact she'd just been chased by a mob of pissed-off critters. Although on the bright side, it would make a funny story. She had been too busy running to think about why they'd been chasing her. Pinkie thought back to when she dropped by Fluttershy's cottage.

"Hi Fluttershy." Pinkie said to a cowering Fluttershy. Pinkie wouldn't exactly call Fluttershy a crying, wimpering mass of complete uselessness, but 'doormat' didn't do her justice.

"Oh, hi Pinkie." Fluttershy lightened up a bit at seeing Pinkie in her doorway.

"So, I heard some animals needed doctor Pinkie's attention." Pinkie said, while pulling a stethoscope out of her hair. She put the stethoscope to the wall and listened.

"I'm sorry to break this to you Fluttershy, but your wall's heart isn't beating. I'm sorry for your loss."

Fluttershy just shook her head. She'd immediately regretted bringing Pinkie Pie along, but it was too late now.

"That's okay Pinkie. We'll uh, give it a proper burial later."

"Goodnight, sweet prince." Pinkie kissed the wall and followed Fluttershy into her home.

"The reason I brought you here is because I have some new animals, but I need names for them. Twilight named the animals last time, so now it's your turn." Fluttershy wasn't good with names, so whenever she got some new animals, she would let her friends name them. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie never gave them serious names. It was always something like Mister McAwesome or Cotton Candy Surprise, but Fluttershy promised her friends they could name the animals whatever they wanted.

"Yesterday, I got two foxes and three gorillas from the Everfree Forrest that needed a home. They're in the back yard now." Fluttershy told Pinkie as she led her into the back. Outside, there were an abundance of all kinds of creatures, but Fluttershy had the new animals line up along the back fence. Pinkie and Fluttershy walked over to the foxes and gorillas. Fluttershy hadn't noticed Pinkie's socks and sandals. Pinkie stood in front of the two orange foxes, who seemed to be getting anxious.

"I dub you, Craptastic Mister Fox." Pinkie said to the first. Fluttershy facehoofed.

"And I dub you, Agent Orange." She said to the second. Pinkie picked up a stick off the ground and put it to both of their shoulders.

Pinkie then stood in front of the three gorillas, who were also a bit ornery.

"King Kong, Donkey Kong, and Hong Kong." Pinkie pointed to the three gorillas. Her conscience, Ol' Dirty Bastard, came up with the gorillas' names. It was only fair that he got to name a few. Pinkie then hopped up onto an elephant's back and began to address the other animals in the pen.

"Hear ye, hear ye. I, Pinkamena Diane Pie, am proud to announce the arrival of five new furry creatures for you to troll around with. Please give your warmest welcomes to Craptastic Mister Fox, Agent Orange, King Kong, Donkey Kong, and last but not least, Hong Kong." Pinkie pointed a hoof to the new arrivals.

The other animals' reactions were unexpected. They were suddenly thrown into disorder, with no particular reason. Fluttershy looked worried, although that wasn't too different from her usual demeanor. Pinkie was just confused. She wondered if insanity was how animals greeted each other.

Donkey Kong then ran up to his fellow animals and began to give what appeared to be a speech to the other animals. They seemed to calm down a little. Pinkie hopped off the elephant's back and just turned to Fluttershy in confusion. Fluttershy spoke Gorilla and listened closely to what Donkey Kong was saying.

"Brothers and sisters, you have been betrayed; forsaken by the ones who said they cared for you. You have been obedient and loyal to the ponies, only to be tormented with these new instruments of destruction!" Donkey Kong yelled, pointing at Pinkie Pie's hooves. Pinkie stood there, dumbfounded.

"We have sat idly by long enough while the ponies build their towns on our land. They do not see us as equals, but as things they can claim as pets." The animals looked at each other and nodded.

"Brothers, do not give yourself to ponies. Beings who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives; tell you what to do and what to think and what to feel; who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as attention fodder. Don't give yourself to these unnatural ponies; machine ponies, with machine minds and machine hearts. You are not machines, you are not cattle, you are animals." Donkey Kong said in a powerful voice. Pinkie still couldn't understand what he was saying, but Fluttershy knew, and she was worried.

"Brothers and sisters, in the name of freedom, we must overthrow our pony overlords. Stand with me, and we will be free!" The other animals were now cheering in all teir own ways.

"The revolution starts with them." He said, pointing a finger in Pinkie and Fluttershy's direction.

"Hey Fluttershy, what are they saying?" Pinkie asked, a little worried herself.

"He says that ponies are cruel to them and they're going to overthrow us. But I was never cruel to them. Oh, what have I done?"

"But, why was he pointing to me?" Pinkie asked.

"He said something about tormenting them with an instrument of destruction." Fluttershy was confused about that too until she looked at Pinkie's hooves.

"Pinkie, what the hell are those?" Fluttershy asked loudly. Pinkie had never heard Fluttershy curse before.

"They're my new style. I don't think Rarity liked them very much. They couldn't be the cause of this, though."

"Pinkie, you should take those off right..." Fluttershy said, when Hong Kong grabbed her and brought her back to the house. "Ahhhh. Pinkie, go get help. But don't hurt the animals, please."

"Fluttershy!" Pinkie yelled before noticing the rest of the animals were closing in.

Oh no. What do I do? They're gonna take me prisoner and bake me into a cupcake! Pinkie thought. Her conscience, Ol' Dirty Bastard, would know.

"Ol' Dirty, what do I do?"

"Run, bitch!"

So she ran and kept running. The animals chased, but Pinkie's legendary speed was a thing of legend. That's how she ended up sitting against a tree in Sweet Apple Acres. She looked around for animals. The coast was clear. A little while away, she could see the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse. Coming out of the house, were the three fillies in question. Pinkie had no idea where the town was, and she was too low on energy to teleport there. She needed directions.

"Hi girls. Whatchya up to?" Pinkie said enthusiastically.

"Hi Pinkie Pie." The three said in unison. They looked excited, probably on more crusading business.

"We're out to get our cutie marks." Said Sweetie Belle.

"We're gonna be Cutie Mark Crusader bureaucrats." Apple Bloom said excitedly.

"It's gonna be so fun. Hey Pinkie, what are bureaucrats?" Scootaloo asked. They all looked at Pinkie for the truth. Truthfully, Pinkie didn't have a clue.

"Well, I dunno. But I'm sure whatever it is, it's going to be full of fun and will contain little to no political corruption." Pinkie said with a smile.

"Hey Pinkie Pie, why are you all the way out here?" Asked Sweetie Belle.

"Well, first I woke up, then I stepped on a jack. Then I screamed like this: Ahh! Then I..." Pinkie was stopped by Scootaloo's hoof on her mouth.

"The abridged version, please?"

"Oh okay. Well, I went to Fluttershy's place to name some of her new animals. But they all got mad and are rebelling against ponykind. They chased me, but I ran and kept running until I got here. They're pretty mad, and they still have poor ol' Fluttershy. That's why I need directions to Ponyville."

"Um, okay. It's that way." Apple Bloom pointed a hoof in the direction of the town. "But what was that about animals rebelling against us?"

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about. Hey, did you see my socks and sandals? They're the best thing ever, am I right?"

The girls looked at the shoes with a look of disgust, but didn't want to upset Pinkie.

"Uh, they're... great." Scootaloo said, trying to sound sincere. And failing.

"Yeah... great." Said Apple Bloom.

"I really like their... straps?" Sweetie Belle said.

Pinkie gasped. "Thank you. I was starting to think my new fashion was the reason everybody was throwing the town into chaos." The girls looked at each other in confusion. "Uh, what now?" Asked Apple Bloom.

"Hey, do you girls wanna try them on?"

The girls looked at each other quizically, trying to think of a way out of this situation. They were only fillies, but they knew the kind of repercussions wearing those demon shoes could bring.

They nodded at each other in agreement. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADER TRACK RUNNERS YAY!" They yelled, running in the opposite direction of where Pinkie was going. Pinkie just watched them run.

"Did you hear that, Ol' Dirty Bastard? They said my shoes are great!"

"Girl, yo' shoes need to be condemned." Ol' Dirty said. Pinkie began hopping in the direction of Ponyville.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

The scientists were having no luck finding out a way to stop the socks and sandals that were terrorizing the town. The only solution would be to dispose of the socks and sandals, but any attempt to handle the abominations was potentially fatal. The scientists needed a way to numb their effects on ponies. It was a near-impossible task, but they knew they had to try. The mayor allowed for the third floor of town hall to be made into a temporary lab.

In 8 hours, Ponyville single-hoofedly went from a peaceful town to an all-around hell hole. Evacuating the residents of Ponyville wasn't possible with the animals sieging the city. Braveheart, the current militia leader promised to keep the science team safe while they tried to figure out a way to stop the socks and sandals from causing any more damage. If the socks and sandals could be defeated, the people of Ponyville could eventually go back to their normal lives.

The head of the science team was Dr Smarty Pants. She had white fur and a blonde mane. An image of a smiling brain sat on her flank. People often confused her with Fancy Pants, but that was her brother in Canterlot.

Her team had tried everything to create something that could stop or reverse the socks and sandals' maddening properties. Cryogenic freezing, molecular deconstruction, a tomato soup bath. It was a dead end and her team was up shit creek without a paddle.

"How can we possibly stop the socks and sandals' influence if we don't even know how they work?" Smarty Pants said, slamming her head onto the lab table. The rest of the team looked nervous. They knew the odds of solving this problem were slim to none. Then, they heard hoofsteps coming upstairs. The Mayor walked in and Smarty Pants snapped to attention.

"There are some ponies here to see you." The Mayor said before standing aside for the three ponies that walked in. One had weird eyes that seemed to peer into your soul, another was wearing some fire-pony gear on his torso, and the third had the most glorious mustache she'd ever laid eyes on.

"May I help you three? We're a little busy right now trying to solve, well, you know." Smarty Pants said.

"That's exactly why we need you and your team to come with us." Flaming Hooves said calmly.

"We think you might be able to help us." Blazer spoke up. His Bucklyn accent amused some of the scientists. Crystal Ball remained silent.

"I'm sorry chief, but we can't leave this lab until I know why we should." Smarty Pants was no idiot. She wasn't going to leave the lab behind to follow some fire-ponies and their freaky-ass friend, even if there was candy.

"Because we may have something to help end this whole mess. We might need your team with us." Said Flaming Hooves. Smarty Pants wasn't comfortable following another pony's orders, or going on mere hunches, but didn't see many other alternatives. She thought for a moment and sighed.

"Give us a few minutes."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Braveheart heard more commotion from outside the bakery, but this time, it seemed a lot closer then previously.
He wasn't sure he wanted to know what was going on outside, but he supposed nothing could be stranger than shoes causing bedlam or an army of animals beginning a hostile occupation of a town.

Nevermind. Now this is some weird shit. Braveheart thought, looking in disbelief out of his window. The animals had sent a delegate to negotiate with them. The gorilla delegate in question had a fez hat, a pair of sunglasses, and a gold chain hanging around his neck. With him was a yellow pony with a pink mane that seemed to be trying to hide her face from the ponies gathering around. Braveheart walked out of the bakery, expecting the weirdest possible thing to happen. They met on a bridge going over the river that ran through Ponyville.

Celestia damn it. I can't believe I'm about to do this.

"May I help you?"

The gorilla tapped Fluttershy's shoulder, clearly wanting her to do something. He said someting in gorilla, if that was even a dialect.

"He says his name is Hong Kong, and he's here to negotiate your unconditional surrender." Fluttershy translated.

"You can understand him?" Braveheart asked Fluttershy.

"Um, kinda."

"Okay, well you tell him that we aren't going to surrender, especially not to him."

The gorilla spoke some more, a little irritated now. "He says you will respect his power and that you will refer to him as 'brass monkey, that funky monkey'." Fluttershy said, a little embarassed she had to say that.

"Um, okay. We still refuse surrender, and if he has a problem with that, he can tell that to the militia." Braveheart said as the ragtag troops slowly closed in on Hong Kong. The gorilla looked a little nervous. He said something again.

"He says this is madness."

Braveheart simply glared at Hong Kong for a moment. "No." He said.

"This. Is. PONYVILLE!" Braveheart yelled before bucking the gorilla squarely in the chest. The gorilla fell backwards into the river. If only Ponyville had a giant hole. He thought.

The militia ponies were now cheering over the event they'd just witnessed. Braveheart put on his helmet and raised his spear into the air. The ponies cheered louder.

Pinkie Pie returned to Ponyville in time to see this. Pinkie knew when shit was about to get real. She didn't want to miss the upcoming battle, and Rainbow Dash would never forgive Pinkie for not telling her it was about to go down. She figured she had an hour or so before the fight began, so she bounced off to tell Rainbow Dash about the battle. Rainbow would wanna see this. Pranks would have to wait for another day, it was time to see a show.

Comments

[TheTimberWolffe]

Aaaaawwwww shiiiieeeet