Prologue
Two and a half years. That's how long you've had to deal with this. With the pain and heartache, you go through every single day. Every day ponies ridicule you for being human. They call you things like 'Freak'and'Abomination'. You are mercilessly hurt by a certain cyan Pegues and her friends. Day after day she teases you about your looks. But the one you hate the most is Twilight sparkle.
Every day she never fails to torment you. She says you're better off in the woods like the animal you are. She mocks your hat which is just like Applejacks. She's the only one you get along with excluding Fluttershy. Twilight calls you a disgrace. She always said that if there wasn't a way back to earth then you should just leave. You never give them the time of day because you know they would just love that.
Instead, you never leave your house. You can barely even call it a house it's so small. You built it on your own because you knew even if you did save up enough bit's nopony would sell to you. The only one who will sell you food is Applejack. She and Twilight always fight because of that.
Twilight says that you should go back into the woods where they found you. But AJ always says your alive and should be treated like it.
You don't care right now.
You groan as you get up. The hard 'Floor' hurts to sleep on. But you have to or else you would die. You once tried to sleep outside but you were caught and they claimed you were 'Too dangerous to sleep outside'. How is that even logical?
Whatever.
You get up and put your hat on. You only had the same clothes you woke up in and you washed them in the lake. You once tried to get Rarity to make you some but she said she couldn't be around you long enough to get your measurements. You look at your hat. The leather slightly damaged and fading. It was all you had left of your own world. It was a gift from your brother on his deathbed.
He had been in a car accident and had critical injuries. But regardless he managed to take the hat off his head and put it on yours. He died three minutes after. The hat was so much more than that. It had memories and feelings. It was your only friend. You wipe away the tears that were starting to drift down your face.
You had to work today and you couldn't afford to be distracted. Literally. You barely passed through the day with the money you got. You had grown to be a lot skinnier than when you first arrived. The only things you ate were apples. As you begin to walk away you hear the voice of the one mare you don't want to hear.
"Hey, ape." Twilight say's with a smirk.
You look over at her "Fuck off purple horse. I'm not in the mood." You say as you walk past her.
You look up just in time to see a bucket of water being poured over your head. You try to get out of the way before it hits you but you can't. The water hits you and completely soaks you. You look up to see Rainbow laughing her ass off.
"What the fuck is you guys problem!"You shout at them. Twilight walks up to you and looks you straight in the eyes.
"You hairless monkey. Why don't you do us all a favor and go back to the jungle," She says. Then she begins imitating a monkey jumping from tree to tree causing Rainow to laugh harder. You just turn back towards the road and continue walking to sweet apple acres.
Work was awful today. The water started to make you smell bad and you had to work alone. You washed your clothes in the lake and then began walking home. As you do you are aware of Rainbow pretty much stalking you. You sigh and turn towards the bush she's hiding in.
"You can come out dash. I know you're there." You say as you walk up to the bush. You know you could easily overpower any of the pony's but you know that would be uncalled for. You also have something in your body that repels magic so it doesn't work on you. You also were a master belt in Jujitsu but you wouldn't use it on any of the small horses.
As your about to grab the pony, you hear a small moan of pain as you see her being dragged out of the bush by a much bigger pony. He has a long, bushy, black mane. He also has a cutie mark with a broken skull. You look at Dashe's body and see it littered with multiple Cutts and bruises. It's been about six hours since you had seen her Twilight and her. You deliver a back roundhouse kick to the side of his head instantly knocking him out.
You grab the cyan-colored pony and shake her. "Dash! Wake up Dash!" She looks up at you before passing out. You had never liked the small horse, but no one deserved this so you ran as fast as you could to the hospital.
"Somepony, HELP!" You scream at the top of your lungs as they come through the door and question you about what happened. You told them you just found her like this. They didn't believe you, Obviously. So there you are, saving a pony's life and getting accused of hurting the small fragile pony.
"Listen here, you fekin horse, I brought her here. If I wanted to hurt her she would be in a much more critical state. You can deny me health care but you will NOT refuse this to her." You say challenging the small mare with the coldest eyes you can muster. She instantly backed off and told the other's of your words.
As you sit there you remember when you had first come to Equestria. You were debt-ridden and were drinking away your troubles. Your brother, who was the last of your family, had just died leaving only his hat with you. You were walking home when a young woman around your age was being assaulted. You were a kind guy and couldn't leave her so you used a back-fist to the face to take them down.
You were about to help her up when you saw someone behind her with a gun. You grabbed her and shielded her with your body. You managed to take the guy out with the last of your strength. You felt everything go blurry as your life-essence flowed out of your body. You couldn't do anything but smile as you drifted away leaving the girl in tear's
You are brought back to Equestria with a slap to the face. You look up and see a teary-eyed Rainbow dash. She has been treated and all of her wounds were cleaned and stitched. There were tears streaming down her eyes as you look into the magenta orbs you feel strangely relieved. You stand up and start to walk out of the hospital leaving the teary eyes mare behind.
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okay this is a very interesting story and i like to see more of it.
Hmm. I think this works better as a prelude that sets up the story than a chapter 1. You'll probably need to take things slower and with more detail going forward with more chapters.
I want to see where this is going, this chapter has me hooked.
So he could bitch slap each and every one of them, with them being unable to retaliate, yet he decides not too!? He’s a much more restraint person than me. Also, he saves a little girl’s life, and he ends up in this crappy Equestria? God knows how the little girl would have survived there (she was in the same situation as him, so it’s not too far off to assume she’d end up there if she was the one to die).
10109427
1 In karate, you learn self-restraint
2 It's only for self-defense
3 there were only 2
4 Thanks for the comment
10109403
I'm so happy
10109398
Thanks for the advice I'll think of that when I start writing the next one
10109394
I'll make sure to deliver
10109429
1 I know, that doesn’t counter my statement that he’s much more restraint than me.
2 Yeah, and everything they did would warrant self defense, the guy out right stated that he’s been physically hurt by them.
3 Only 2?
4 You’re welcome, here’s another on the house
10109486
Tank you so much
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10109435
I think its about showing them he's not the monster they make him out to be, even if it was to defend himself in the eyes of pony bystanders who would easily misunderstand it as an attack since they're clearly waiting for a reason to form an angry mob and run him out town.
10109577
That's why he's feared but he doesn't want to hurt them
10109435
10109577
The girl was weak soooo
Thx
This is the best line in the story hands down. You should also try proofreading your stories, just a suggestion. Otherwise, this story was absolutely amazing and I want to see how the story goes from here.
10109903
Now, I have to read this.
Keep going man, you’ve piqued my interest. Im a sucker for Humans being treated like shit. If you guys have any suggestions for similar stories, hit me up.
So far, there's not much to the story. Just a vague set-up with no real detail and a bunch of disconnected events. Sudden Bad Pony is a prime example of that; he has no build-up, no introduction, no lead-in, no dialogue. His only purpose or relevance to anything is to hurt Rainbow Dash, get KO'd, then vanish and never be mentioned again.
It goes on about how the ponies mistreat "You", but very little of the mistreatment is actually shown. The hat gets about as much screentime as any actual abuse from the ponies, maybe even more screentime.
Tying into those points, there's no real character shown by the ponies or the Protagonist. They just kinda... do stuff, without showing any personality beyond "Jerk Pony #1/#2" and "Badass But Restrained Human With Tragic BackstoryTM.
The big flaw with the story so far, though, is that the ponies act nothing like would be expected. Twilight Sparkle dancing like a monkey and telling the human to go back to the jungle just doesn't fit with her character, as the biggest example of that. Okay, it's an Alt Universe, from the tags, but the Twilight here has nothing tying her to what the reader is expecting, and not nearly enough world and character building for the huge differences to make sense or be believable.
10109971
On the very small off-chance that you haven't encountered it in your five years here, here's my recommendation:
[Adult story embed hidden]
A twisted delight of lack of intelligence, slavery, and violence with a strange romance mixed in. Now with an ongoing sequel.
10110521
I have to agree with you there. Feels like reading about characters forced into a egregiously different mold for the sole reason that the author says they should be like that. You know something's wrong if changing the names would make the story better.
My favorite Twily is being character murdered.
But hey, if you're reading this Applejackisbest, don't let some blunt criticism get you down. Learn from it and do your best, that's all anyone asks. You're here, writing, and that's more than I can say.
Alright darling, you've got my attention, go on.
You cant just post a prologue and not post more :(
So let me explain this. This just dropped yesterday but it's been in the works for a while because I didn't know what I wanted it to be at the moment. I just started it yesterday.
Looks like some of the ponies forgot about their lesson with Zecora (again), but much, much, worse.
10111327
Just a little friendly advice: Slow things down, take the time to establish the setting and characters.
10112344
agreed, this is a good story and i like this, but writing the next few chapters, try to explain some more backstory. Not trying to tell you how to write your story, btw. just saying.
I want more.
10113327
so do i, but patience is a virtue
i guess
10111438
Or something wiped his memories on what caused them to dislike him.
10114614
if this is alicorn twilight then going to assume she went through the mirror, fount out humans ate meat, decided to go specist against them and now the main character is paying the price.
10114782
Thats actualy a point in the "the end?" if i remeber right. Shame its dead
10110521
Ok, I have done that on purpose for what comes later in the story. It's meant to seem kinda stupid, for lack of better words
I wouldn’t be having none of that.