Dear Leader but He's In Equestria

by RickAndMicrophone

Chapter Three but Jim's dreams are too godly for even royalty to lay eyes on

“What in Equestria is this doing here?”

Princess Luna was jumping between the dreams of the ponies in Equestria to alleviate them from bad nightmares, as she did every night. However, something was different about tonight. A new mind has entered the dream realm, but it wasn’t a newborn, nor was it an immigrant from another country. At least, they didn’t go through the immigration process legally.

That wasn’t the problem, though.

Luna was unable to enter the dream of the unknown mind due to a locked door keeping her out. A literal door was keeping the princess of the night from entering somepony’s dream. The note attached to the door was also very peculiar.

To whom it may concern,

This door is locked for everyone but Jim Pickens. Trust me, you'll want to keep it that way.

Thanks,
Kevin

P.S. This note was made back in 2017. It's nothing personal. I swear.

P.P.S. How the feck did you enter Jim's mind anyway? That's a feat in and of itself. Feck, I don't even know how I got here.

Luna noticed the names mentioned in the note: Jim Pickens and Kevin. Both of these names were unfamiliar to her.

Then, she remembered something.

Her sister had mentioned a Jim Pickens was staying in Ponyville for a while. However, she never mentioned anything about somepony named Kevin.

"Who's Kevin and why doesn't he want me near Jim's dreams?" Luna asked to no one in particular. "The poor thing could be having a nightmare and I wouldn't be able to help him."

Just then, a strange creature opened the door. It didn't even notice Luna was there, because it was too busy looking down at a device. She didn't know what it was, but it obviously distracted the creature from its surroundings.

"Why is there no signal around here? I want to play God Simulator!" it complained to the device, still completely distracted by it.

"Excuse me," Luna began. "but are you the one they call 'Jim Pickens?'"

---

Jim was looking at his cell phone, trying to see if he could get a WiFi connection in... wherever he was.

"Why is there no signal around here? I want to play God Simulator!" he complained, frustrated that he can't download God Simulator from Google Play.

"Excuse me, but are you the one they call 'Jim Pickens?'"

Jim looked up from his phone to see that a dark blue pegacorn (he still doesn't know what the proper term is) was looking at him. Turning around, he realized he had just opened the door that blocked anything from entering his dreams. He quickly shut the door and locked it, turned back to the blue pegacorn, and said, "Yes. Nice to meet ya. Now, what do ya want?"

"Well, Mr. Pickens. My name is Princess Luna and..."

"Wait... don't you rule this place along with... what's her face?"

"If you're talking about my sister, Princess Celestia, then yes. However, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. I was wondering if I could go into your dreams."

"I would have to say no to that. It sounds like you'd be invading my privacy. Shouldn't you have a warrant to enter a man's dream?"

Luna just stared at Jim, as if he was the crazy one. Jim decided to end the awkward silence by saying, "Why do you want to look at my dreams exactly? They're perfectly normal, I can tell ya that much."

"Well, I'm the princess of the night," Luna began. "As princess of the night, it is my duty to come into the dreams of ponies."

"For what reason?" Jim asked, unsatisfied with such a vague answer.

"I get rid of all the bad nightmares."

"Well, I never have any. I always sleep well. There's no need to come into my dreams at all. Please leave. Thank you very much."

Now, the princess of the night was suspicious. She began to think about what to say next, as to make things not get so needlessly ugly.

This "Jim" character doesn't want her to see his dreams. Even if he's not having any troubles, he should at least be open to someone seeing what thoughts he has about... whatever he's dreaming about, right? It's not like he's dreaming about some nefarious plot against Equestria. He's only been here for a day! I have to say something to make him more comfortable about showing me his dreams, Luna thought.

"If you think your dreams are strange, Jim, it's perfectly fine. I've seen my fair share of... unpleasant dreams... that ponies experience. I'd rather not talk about them, but I'm still sane, so I'm sure I can handle your dream," Luna assured Jim.

It's your funeral, pony. Not even my best friend Shrek could comprehend the beauty that I conjure up in my mind, Jim cautioned Luna in his thoughts before conceding. "Okay. I'll let you in, pegacorn. It's not like anything interesting happens."

Jim then unlocked the door. While they were going into Jim's dream, Luna commented, "We're alicorns. Not pegacorns. I'm assuming they don't have alicorns where you come from."

Jim didn't feel like responding, because he was too busy being a ghost in his haunted house.

---

"This doesn't seem that bizarre of a dream. It's just a haunted house, much like the one's depicted in those Nightmare Night stories. Your species must have a similar holiday to that, correct?" Luna asked the ghost of Pickens.

Luna and Jim were in a hallway full of pictures. Luna presumed these pictures were of Jim's family, but Jim believed that "family" was a strong word.

"I think it's called Halloween, or something. I don't know, kids don't usually come to my door to ask for candy. That's usually how Halloween works," Jim responded, while possessing a photograph of Pumpkin, his dead evil cat. "I think they're afraid of me. I don't know why they would be. I'm a nice guy."

"I've been in a similar situation during my first Nightmare Night celebration," Luna noted. "You see-"

Before Luna could go on a boring tangent about her life problems (Jim's words, not mine... Okay, maybe they were also mine), she heard a voice in the distance.

"Nightmare Night? More like... Bore: Ragnarok."

Afterwards, she heard a bunch of faint laughter and decided to follow the noise. It was coming from another room across the hall.

As she slowly trotted towards the noise, she decided to ask the mischievous, but otherwise harmless, ghost some questions.

"I understand from my sister that she teleported you to Equestria, thinking you were some sort of exotic creature. What is your species exactly?"

The ghost responded. "I am what they call a 'human.' I don't know what the scientific term is. It's "homo" something."

So, Twilight Sparkle's dream about bipedal creatures going to a school that looked like a castle was based on real creatures? How could she predict one would come here? Luna thought before asking her second question.

"What is your culture like?"

Jim knew he couldn't answer that truthfully. If he mentioned how he had minions in his basement, he'd probably become an enemy of the ponies. How would he be able to overthrow the diarchy then? "We have restaurants that serve great food, schools to educate the youth, theaters that present high quality movies, computers that-"

"What's a movie and what's a computer?" Luna interrupted.

"A movie is like a book which you watch and hear instead of read. Computers are devices which can be used for several things, such as calculating numbers, playing games, and writing bad fiction novels." Jim replied, possibly casting aspersions at this fanfiction. "Look at that. We reached the comedy room."

Luna had forgotten all about why she was walking in the first place at this point. Somehow, she couldn't hear any laughter anymore. It took her a few seconds to react, but when she did, she turned toward a stage. On the stage, there was a short and nearly hairless human, with the exception of some patches of gray hair, standing there. He was wearing a pair of black glasses, a teal, buttoned-up shirt, some gray pants, and black shoes. All that came out of his mouth was strange noises, with some noticeable Equestrian phrases: "Bop it," "Pull it," etc. She could've sworn she heard such noises and phrases before, but couldn't pinpoint exactly where.

"I don't get it," Luna said bluntly.

"What do you know? You're just a dumb horse with a horn... and wings apparently. The art of Bop It™️ is to be taken seriously," the short human angrily responded.

"This is a comedy club, though. Is it not?" Luna refuted.

"Just shut up and let me play my Bop It™️!" the human screamed.

Before Luna could scold the angry human for not understanding how a comedy club worked and for being so rude, something strange happened.

She was suddenly sitting in a sofa to the right of Jim and some unknown human with blonde hair, possibly female.

"I need to bathe. I'll return shortly," Jim said as he walked to the bathroom.

"I will take a nap," said the unknown human, in the manliest voice for a female Luna had ever heard, before standing up and walking towards a nearby door, "but first, I'll go over here, because I couldn't edit this out of the scene."

Why is Jim dreaming of all of this? It makes no sense! Luna asked herself, trying to comprehend the strange dream that was too weird to be classified as a nightmare. First, we're in a haunted house. Next, we're sitting on a couch speaking gibberish!

Before she could ask the human of unknown gender what her relation was like with Jim, she was suddenly not on the couch anymore and the place was pitch black. She was starting to lose it. "I swear if I stay in this human's dream for even a second longer..."

She was then confronted by a green human. I'm sure you all know who this fecker is by now.

"Oh, hello there!" Shrek happily waved to Luna. "Me names Shrek. Ya got any onions?"

At this point, Luna was internally screaming, not sure how to respond to the nonsense that was Jim Pickens's dream.

"No. I. Don't." Luna said, taking breaths in between, trying and failing to calm down.

That didn't work and it only made Luna and Shrek angry. "How the feck am I supposed to appease the lord Jim, now?" Shrek griped.

"Wait, what?"

"Don't worry, Shrek," a familiar voice said. "We can just sacrifice the princess of the night instead."

Pinkie Pie bounced towards Luna with an evil grin on her face. Suddenly, she grabbed Luna.

"I wonder what alicorn tastes like," Pinkie said before cackling to the sky... or ceiling... at this point no one knows.

She then threw Luna into an oven that suddenly appeared from thin air and turned it on.

Luna watched as a bunch of ponies and humans gathered near the oven and chanted, "SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!"

She couldn't take it anymore. She was extremely pissed.

"WHY ARE YOU PONIES ENCOURAGING THIS IDIOTIC RITUAL? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

"I told you you wouldn't like my dreams," Jim teased, appearing out of thin air, much like everything else at this point.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

---

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Luna woke up and started hyperventilating.

Her sister was woken up by the screaming and went in to check on her.

"Luna? You woke me up with your rage. What happened? You never scream like this." Princess Celestia questioned, as she came in to her sister's room.

"That human's GASP dream GASP was a perplexing mess GASP" Luna replied, still bothered by her shared dream with Jim.

"What's a human, Luna?" Celestia inquired.

"Jim Pickens," Luna returned.

"Oh."

Author's Note:

Like I said in the first chapter, I'm basing most of the MLP characters's personalities off of what it says on the wiki.

For Princess Luna's dialogue, I don't know if I should use the royal we and archaic terms or not. I decided not to, assuming that she's gotten used to the "modern" way of life. You probably know what I mean by "modern" because I don't. I probably fucked up her personality too. Hell, I don't even know how the dream world thing works.

FUN FACT: "P.S." is not the correct way to write it. It should be written in lowercase, as "p.s." means post scriptum in Latin and Latin should be abbreviated in lowercase. I'm using the capital letter version that everyone else uses in here, because that's how everyone else uses it. (Source: my high school Latin teacher) I'm not sure if the periods stay or go, though. Also, if you're going to capitalize "P.S." just to try and piss me off, it's not gonna work, as I don't give a shit.

FUN FACT #2: I hate the fact that they use "somepony" and "everypony" instead of "someBODY"

and "everybody."

Also, I just found out I can insert pictures and gifs into stories. I may use this to my advantage. It'll make the story easier to read... probably.

I feel like the dream sequence should be longer, but it is what it is, for now.

See you next time when Dear Leader does something. I think I'll still have a ways to go before the Dear Leader finally kills something somehow.

I still don't feel like tweeting Kevin about this. You can if you want to.

Comments

[29000 Kevin]

*sees this* YESSSSS AND DAMIT STOP AUTO correcting me device! Now to support my fellow Irishman Kevin and ignore the fact that my name is actually Kevin...I am not dear leader I'm a member of dear leader's army well actually Navy wherever that exist.

[Lordvessel]

Chapter three? MORE LIKE BORE RAGNAROK!!!!

Regarding your portrayal of Luna, I'd say it's fine, I've certainly read worse interpretations.

[RickAndMicrophone]

9584498
Two Kevins? Impossible!

9584503
More like Lordvessel. Thanks for the feedback about Luna.

[29000 Kevin]

9584522
Yeah it should be!
(pretend it's totally not there)

[MidnightBlossom]

amazing