Dear Leader but He's In Equestria

by RickAndMicrophone

Chapter Two but Jim meets the locals and thinks of ways to pass the time

Author's Note:

The Author's Notes contain disorganized thoughts:

I was told that Jim was acting a little too angry and he wasn't devious enough last chapter by my friend who I told about this dumb fanfiction I made. I'd say that's a fair criticism. However, I believe Jim was angry that somebody dragged him out of his restaurant, so he couldn't watch the people die. He was also angry that someone insulted his name, so I don't think he's out of character for being angry for those reasons. idfk

Also, how did the people at r/CallMeKevin find this so quickly? I'm honestly surprised you guys found this in at least an hour.

I'm debating on whether or not to tweet this story to Kevin himself. I might do it once I make a handful of chapters.

Well, looks like I found another word for "thought."

Even though this came out nearly a day later, I still wouldn't expect frequent uploads. I could just stop uploading all of a sudden. You never know.

Whatever, I hope you enjoy this story and annotate it for content and craft. Or don't. I don't care.

When Jim went into the gingerbread house, he realized he wasn't actually invading someone's home. He had just entered a bakery. It was full of cupcakes, donuts, and other things you typically find at a bakery. However, there was a certain food he couldn't find.

Damn, I wish they had breadsticks in here, Jim thought. This should be illegal. A food store of any kind that doesn't sell breadsticks is a sin against me. And why are these colors so bright?!? It burns my eyes!

The oversaturated purples and yellows really bothered Jim, but so did everything else about the land. He couldn't impregnate anybody, because they are different species and he didn't want any more ugly children like First Name, and his cult members are nowhere near Equestria, so he has to recruit new members.

Okay, that might not be so bad. He hopefully gets to add new members to his cult. I'd say that's a win. Oh, you want Jim's opinion? Well, he's too busy complaining about the lack of breadsticks in the bakery and his doomed lineage that he won't even take care of.

"Ummm... Can I help you... weird creature?"

Jim snapped out of his breadstick-related thoughts and turned to the entity that was speaking to him. It most likely was a female horse, possibly middle-aged. Her hair and tail looked like cupcake frosting with different shades of pink. The rest of her body was a blue color and she had three cupcake tattoos on her ass. She was also wearing a yellow apron with some pink... thing... on it.

"Do you have any breadsticks, Mrs. Horse?" Jim asked, not completely snapped out of his breadstick-related thoughts.

"We're called ponies, dearie. Not horses. And we will gladly make some breadsticks for you. Do you have any bits?"

"I can't really tell the difference between the two and what do you mean by 'bit'?" Jim asked.

"That's the currency we use in Equestria," the pony said, forgetting she's talking to a foreigner of a different species. It was pretty much implied that he was not from around here. "Do you have any money on you? I could probably convert it to bits."

"Do you accept Simoleons?"

"What now?"

"Never mind, I'll just go," Jim said as he walked out of Sugarcube Corner, cursing internally at the restaurant for not giving him free service.

---

Jim was walking through the city, unsure of where to go at this point. Every place in this city looked the same and all any of the ponies could do was stare at him because he looked different, especially when they realized he could understand them. That didn't bother him, though. He just kept on walking.

While he was walking, Jim was thinking of some goals he would achieve before Princess White Horse finds a way to poof him back to his restaurant, where Shrek and the dying customers were.

Maybe, I should try and overthrow this diarchy, Jim considered. That way, if there's no way for me to get back home, I can rule over the land and make these ponies fight to the death in gladiator-style battles. Sure, I'll probably run out of Elixirs of Life, unless I find a pony that makes such elixirs, but it'll be worth it to see the weekly scheduled bloodshed.

Or maybe I could open a restaurant here that also sells raw pufferfish, or an equally deadly vegan equivalent, assuming these ponies are herbivores, which they probably are. I could also serve breadsticks there, as well. They'll either die from food poisoning or I'll make them addicted to breadsticks. It'll be a win-win situation.

Unfortunately, while he was thinking of possible and completely normal ways to pass the time, he bumped into a tree house. A literal house made from a tree.

"Spike, what was that?" Jim could hear a muffled voice in the house tree, meaning someone was currently inside. There were at least two ponies in the house because he heard another voice afterward.

"I don't know. Should I open the door? Someone could be outside."

"No, you should keep the door closed it's probably a telemarket-OF COURSE YOU SHOULD OPEN THE DOOR!!!!"

"Alright, alright. I'll get the door."

Before Jim could comprehend what just happened, a tiny lizard that looked like Barney the Dinosaur opened the door.

"What the heck/feck are you?" Spike and Jim said at the same time.

"I thought there were only ponies in this place. I never thought I'd see a giant lizard here," Jim stated.

"Actually, I'm a very scary dragon. I breathe fire," the dragon said, trying to sound scary but blatantly failing. "The name's Spike."

"That sounds like a dog's name," Jim responded, obviously unimpressed, annoying Spike. "My name's Jim. Jim Pickens. And speaking of fire..."

Jim then started singing a very beautiful K-Pop song, known by many as "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash. Unfortunately, the lyrics are copyrighted, so we cannot display them here. It's probably for the best, as even reading the lyrics can make the strongest of men cry due to its beauty.

Of course, both Spike and a purple pony behind him were crying at this beautiful rendition of a classic Johnny Cash song even minutes after he was finished.

"That was beautiful," the purple pony said while wiping tears from her eyes. "What brings you here, besides your lovely music? My name's Twilight Sparkle by the way. "

Jim looked up at the sky. It was almost sundown and he was very tired from walking around aimlessly all day.

"Can I sleep here tonight? I think it's about to become nighttime, and I don't want to be awake after dark. I'd also like something to eat, as I haven't eaten all day. I'll be gone by tomorrow."

"Nonsense, you can stay as long as you'd like," Twilight contested. "Come in."

---

"This guy sure does love breadsticks," Spike noted. "He's eaten at least 20 of them in half an hour."

"At this rate, I'm gonna need to buy more in 10 minutes," Twilight joked.

Jim ignored the "scary" dragon and Twilight and began to eat his twenty-first breadstick. He could swear he heard his stomach say, "More. MORE! MOOOOOOOOORE!" every single time he finished one.

Meanwhile, Twilight was eating a burger, but instead of meat, it was hay. In hindsight, Jim should've expected that. However, Jim did not expect that Spike would be eating some sort of jewel.

Are his teeth strong or is that jewel just weak as feck? Jim asked in his mind.

After finishing #25, his stomach said, "Okay, that's enough," figuratively speaking of course.

"Well, I think it's time we all went to bed," Twilight suggested. "Jim, you can take the empty bed for two. Me and Spike will just sleep where we usually sleep."

"I don't care, I'm feckin' tired," Jim moaned.

"Then, it's settled, I guess," Twilight said.

Jim, Twilight, and Spike then went to their respective beds. While Spike and Twilight were fast asleep, Jim was thinking about his dead son, Beejay, and how he'd always sleep next to him in bed.

I wonder how my clown-faced son is doing in hell, Jim wondered, as he drifted off to sleep.

Comments

[Lordvessel]

BORE RAGNAROK! Ima right?

[RickAndMicrophone]

9566727
Lordvessel? More like Bore: Ragnarok.

[Nonsense]

Of course, both Spike and a purple pony behind him were crying at this beautiful rendition of a classic Johnny Cash song even minutes after he was finished.

I love this story even more

[TheArchive]

I think the biggest shock of all for the guy is when he sees one of the ponies climb out of a pool without needing a ladder.