I Hate Computers
It was a bright morning that day in Ponyville, not unlike any other beginning to the day. Mr. and Mrs. Cake's shop was exhausting fumes that smelled delicious. Cheerilee's class of young fillies and colts were filing into their seats. One thing was different, however. Up in the skies, some pegasi were patrolling, looking for any irregularities in the weather. Any other day, a particular rainbow-maned pony would have been on the squad. Instead of regulating the clouds or tending her fields, Rainbow Dash and Applejack were at Sweet Apple Acres, outside the barn, waiting for Fluttershy. Applejack was pacing around at a fast speed, wondering where her yellow flying friend was.
“Where do you think that pegasus is? It’s not like her to be late for appointments. Do you think that she ran into some trouble?” said Applejack nervously. Rainbow Dash was flying around the barn, seemingly uncaring about Fluttershy’s current whereabouts.
“Nah, she’ll be fine. Can we start now? I’m booooooored. Nothing bad is going to happen anyway,” Rainbow Dash said during one of her laps around the barn.
“I don’t know, Rainbow Dash. I have a very bad feeling about this. These guns can kill things. I’ve only used them against critters who chew at my crops and even then I’ve only used it around five times. I don’t know what it could do to a different animal, or even a pony. I don’t feel like I should’ve mentioned them to you. I don’t even know why I mentioned it. T’ain’t right,” Applejack worried. Rainbow Dash had momentarily stopped and lowered herself just above the ground, hovering herself in front of Applejack so she could talk to her and look in her eyes while doing so.
“Oh stop being such a Twilight. It’s not like we’re going to aim them at anything living. We’re just going to shoot them at some stationary targets. And you mentioned it because I just have that effect on ponies,” Rainbow Dash started flying around the barn again, just as fast as before without showing a sign of slowing down.
“I don’t think Fluttershy would be happy if we started without her.” Applejack was inspecting her barn carefully, trying to pass time while waiting for Fluttershy. A sound that wasn’t Rainbow Dash scared her and made her jump, at least until she realized it was Fluttershy.
“Of course I wouldn’t be happy. I promised I would be here on time. I’m not late am I?” asked Fluttershy with a frown that could make grown stallions cry.
“Yeah you’re late. It’s twelve o’ clock! You were supposed to be here half an hour ago!” Rainbow Dash had stopped flying by then and landed ruggedly in front of Fluttershy, making an impression in the dirt.
"I'm sorry," Fluttershy sighed. "Angel got into the other bunnies' food, and I had to give him a time out. I knew that if I wasn't there he wouldn't stay like that. I’m sorry everypony.”
“It’s okay Fluttershy,” Applejack said with some compassion. “The higher the sun, the more light there is and there is better of a chance is that y’all won’t miss the targets.”
“Wait, I have to shoot? I don’t think that’s a good-”
“Let’s go then! I can’t wait!” Rainbow Dash said excitedly, interrupting Fluttershy.
“Whoa there, eager beaver. I need to go through some things first,” Applejack said worrying about Rainbow Dash’s eagerness. “Let’s talk about them while we make our way to the targets.” They departed with Rainbow Dash and Applejack taking the front, and Fluttershy taking the back. Rainbow Dash was about to start flying again, and Applejack noticed that, saying “Rainbow Dash, I need you to listen to this. It’s really important.”
“I really don’t think this is a good-”
“Fine then. Hurry up Applejack, I can’t wait!” Rainbow Dash said while they were walking down the path.
“Alrighty then. I have this saddlebag here. It has all our guns in it, including some extras I keep in there so nopony will find it while I’m not home. I warn you that some of them are highly illegal in Equestria and if you tell anypony, I will personally drop you off in middle of the Everfree Forest without a map and leave without you,” Applejack said with complete seriousness.
“You have to swear not to tell anypony. Not Rarity, not Pinkie, not even Twilight. I haven’t told Big Macintosh, not even poor old Granny Smith. It’s so big a secret that you have to Pinkie Pie swear before I believe you'll keep it.” Applejack halted them so they could Swear. Rainbow Dash was sure that she would never tell, so she Pinkie Pie swore. “You too, Fluttershy.” Fluttershy Pinkie Pie swore as well, but still tried to show concern by stalling.
“Applejack, I know you mean well but-”
“Just do it Fluttershy. I want Applejack to hurry up!” Rainbow Dash said with growing impatience.
Fluttershy sighed, but said anyway “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” doing the necessary motions. “I still think that we shouldn’t-”
“Alrighty then. Y’all just take care to aim the sights at your target, hold your breath if you’re going for precision(which y’all should be), and to pull the trigger slowly. The bigger the gun the more kick it has. Good thing today we’re only shooting with pistols. I brought enough ammo to take down a swarm of parasprites. Let’s just hope we don’t have to ever do that. If for some reason you run out of ammo in your clip, just physically move your gun towards the ammo it uses. The gun was magically enchanted by unicorns to automatically reload, so we don’t have to worry about that. It’ll only reload if it’s near ammo of the caliber it uses. Any questions?” Applejack was sure there would be questions, as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy still looked confused. She went over the instructions one more time. She asked them once again, “Any questions?”
“Nope. You have any questions, Fluttershy?” Rainbow Dash said hurriedly. She could see the firing range without straining her eyes from here, and had gotten anxious.
“No, but I still-”
“Then let’s go!” Rainbow Dash started to fly and flew until she became a dot in the distance. She appeared to be at the range already, and appeared to be grabbing a cloud to nap on. Fluttershy and Applejack arrived 5 minutes later to Rainbow Dash snoring.
“WAKE UP LAZY BONES!” Applejack yelled at the top of her lungs. It was so loud that Fluttershy appeared to jump back a couple of steps and continued walking after realizing it was Applejack’s voice. Rainbow Dash seemed to have a heart attack and flew 5 feet in the air before flying down and punching Applejack on the left foreleg.
While surveying the surrounding landscape, Applejack had noticed the weather had changed since that morning. It was now gloomy and looked like a storm was coming. She thought to herself to remember to wrap up the guns when they were done so the guns won’t get wet. “It’s not my fault you decided to go ahead of us and start napping. You’re the one who wanted to shoot, so let’s shoot!” Applejack then proceeded to set down the saddlebags by the path they had just taken. She glanced at the hay bales that had a piece of round paper on it, which was decorated to look like a target, just to make sure everything was set up right.
“Alright! Let’s see you shoot first, Applejack! Let’s see how fine is that aim you were bragging about to me yesterday!” Applejack was 10 seconds ahead of Rainbow Dash and had her pistol ready. She fired fifteen rounds into the target on the left. She missed no rounds. From what Applejack could tell, she had made ten rounds into the bulls-eye and the other five into the second ring. “I bet I could be 20% more accurate then you Applejack!” Rainbow Dash grabbed a pistol, aimed at the middle target, and fired. Applejack counted ten bullets on the target total. Five of them had hit the bulls-eye. Three hit the second to last ring. And two had barely hit the target, being in the last ring on the very edge. “No fair! Your pistol’s better then mine!”
Applejack ignored this accusation, instead turning around and searching for Fluttershy.
“Rainbow Dash, why don’t we let Fluttershy shoot now?” The poor mare had been sitting down in the grass by the path and was covering her ears with her hooves. She had never heard this loud of a noise before, and was scared to death. Nothing scared her more, except maybe dragons. “Fluttershy, why don’t you come up over here? We’re done shooting for now.” She took her hooves off of her ears, hearing what she hoped meant the end of the day. “It’s your turn to shoot.” Fluttershy paused momentarily at hearing this statement, and continued to slowly walk towards her friends, thinking of what to tell them.
“I really don’t think I-” Fluttershy almost finished her sentence but then thought that the day was not going to end well in her favor if she resisted. “Sure, why not? I need to learn to use it so if I ever have one, which I doubt, I’ll know how to hold it correctly and not injure anypony. And like Pinkie says, I need to face my fears and laugh at them. What better way to face a gun then know how it works?” The reaction on Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s faces was disquieting to Fluttershy. “Unless you don’t want me to. I just want to have control over one of my fears, that’s all. I’m sorry.”
“Nah, Fluttershy. It’s okay. I’m just shocked you’d be willing to use a weapon that’s so dangerous. And so easily too.”
“I’m trying new things, Applejack. I’ll do anything for my friends,” Fluttershy said, flashing a grin that seemed to make a sound that if attempted to be described, would sound similar to “squee”. Fluttershy armed herself with the last pistol left in the bag. Fluttershy tried to stall by checking her pistol over the saddlebag with the guns. She noticed that Applejack was right that some of them were highly illegal. She spotted shotguns, assault rifles, and even a sub-machine gun.
“Applejack, if you don’t mind me asking, where did you get these guns anyway?” Fluttershy said, trying to stall for time.
“I found them just sitting in the pasture the night after Trixie hightailed it outta here. Why do you ask?”
“No reason.”
Fluttershy walked up to the range and aimed at the last uninjured target on the right. Nearby, Applejack looked at the sky and noticed it was beginning to rain, and closed her saddlebags tight. Rainbow Dash was trying her hardest to stay still while Fluttershy concentrated. Just as she was about to fire, there was a flashing light, and then darkness that seemed like days to her at a later date.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In eastern Philadelphia, in a town called Fairfield, it was dark out, and if there were still a need for clocks, it would be around eleven o’ clock P.M. The Witches stopped wandering and began to choose a spot to cry in for the night. Bill, Louis, Francis, and Zoey decided to bunker in a laboratory on the west side of Fairfield for the night. More or less they decided then they were just too damn tired to continue walking.
Bill was in a rather large room labelled “Storeroom”, although it appeared that nothing had been stored in there for quite a while, except maybe dust and grime. Bill had been cleaning a corner where they would sleep in for the night. He had all the guns on top of a crate, right next to where they would put down the sleeping bags They would take shifts, and of course Bill had the first shift, voluntarily. Bill had enough of the day and needed some thinking. He had found a CEDA pamphlet that called those fat, vomiting, exploding bastards “Boomers”, and that apparently there were strains of the Green Flu other then the Boomer, Smoker, Hunter, and those steroid pumping Tanks.
The pamphlet had described a new strain and very peculiar one at that in detail, saying those infected with the strain were called “Witches” and that they cried like a normal human girl who was under great amounts of stress. They were passive aggressive, and only attacked survivors if they had gotten close, surprised her with some sort of light, or just plain shot at her. The Witch could eviscerate anything in seconds if it is startled by one of the methods that was listed, and will run away from any uninfected humans after the target is down. At night the Witch would sit on the ground somewhere to cry. In the day, however, it would wander around and was harder to startle then at night. The pamphlet continued to make a joke about it being similar to a girl on her period. Bill had smiled at that, one of the few smiles he ever had in his adult life.
Bill decided he would tell the others in the morning. For some weird reason he felt that wouldn’t be the case. He had just finished laying down their cots in the corner when he heard Francis and the others, all the way from the room labelled “Testing Area”, that they had found a kitchen right next to. At least, what Bill hoped was a kitchen. He didn’t like the noise. It sounded like somebody was surprised, and not a pleasant surprise at that. He unholstered his pistol and ran like hell.
Turns out, Francis had found a working computer. And he apparently thought the only way to operate it was pressing as many buttons as possible and as fast as possible.
“What the hell are you doing, Francis?” Apparently Francis and the others had been too busy watching the computer to realize Bill had entered the room.
“Trying to find out how to operate that camera over there, old man.” He pointed at a strange looking device that Bill would have testified wasn’t a camera. “I have to have a photo of this moment so I remember the days when ‘Francis, The Great Vampire Hunter’ started his great and awesome career as a vampire hunter.”
“For the last time Francis these are zombies! Not vampires!” Louis nearly screamed at Francis. “I have a feeling you’ll never figure it out without somebody having to slap you across the face...”
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Louis. Just shut up and let me find the program that operates the camera.” Bill looked worried. “What’s up with you, old man?
“First thing’s first. Stop. Calling me. Old. Man. Second thing, are you sure it’s wise to mess around with that computer, Francis? You don’t know what the hell you’re doing. This room is called ‘Testing Area’, for God’s sakes. For all we know the scientists were working on something serious like a nuclear bomb down here. All I know is that they left a while ago, probably around the time the Green Flu outbreak started with Patient Zero. That could mean that these people-”
“Stop your whining already, old timer.” Bill seemed angrier at hearing the words ‘old timer’, but Francis didn’t care. “Don’t worry about a thing. I’m sure nothing bad will happen.”
“I have a very bad feeling about this, Francis. I’m not sure. I’ve gotta hit the can. Make sure not to blow up the building while I’m gone.”
“Will do,” Francis said without a care as to what Bill had just warned. Bill left the room with a disgruntled look on his face. Francis watched him leave and then focused his attention back to the computer. Zoey and Louis had become bored so they had begun to play Tic-Tac-Toe on a piece of paper they found while Bill was talking with Francis.
“Do you want to go first Zoey? I don’t really mind going second.”
“It’s fine Louis. I really think you should go first. After you.”
“No, no, I insist. After you.”
“After you.”
“After you.”
“WOULD YOU LADIES KINDLY SHUT THE HELL UP?!” Francis screamed at the top of his lungs. “I think I’ve found it. Here we go. Something called, ‘Trons-pore-tir.’ I think it’s old douchebag talk for camera!”
“Are you sure this is a good idea, Francis? That doesn’t sound like a camera.” In fact, Zoey knew exactly that it wasn’t a program that operated the “camera”. She felt that if she had told Francis outright it wasn’t a camera, it would break his pride. So she decided to play along with it. But still, she didn’t like that word. She couldn’t remember what it sounded like exactly, but she knew it didn’t sound right. “But if you say so, Francis, I guess it’ll be alright. Isn’t that right, Louis?”
Louis hadn’t been paying attention to what anyone was saying. He had been too focused on Zoey’s beautiful, beautiful face...
“Louis!” That broke Louis out of his trance. He snapped fully awake like he had just taken a whole bottle of pills...sweet delicious- “Louis! Wake up! Don’t you think we’ll be alright?”
“Huh? What? Yeah, sure, whatever.”
“Then you ladies better get over here and smile for the camera.” Francis somehow set the “camera” to delay 20 seconds until the “picture” was taken, more by luck than skill. The 3 survivors posed for the “camera”. “Say cheese, everybody!”
“Cheese!” Everybody screamed out loud. Zoey was still trying to figure out that word. Tronsportir. Tronsporter. Transporter. Transporter. What did that word mean again? No wonder she was failing in college.
“Guys, I don’t think this is a-” Flash of light. Darkness. For a second, just one second, maybe three talking ponies. How did she know they could talk? She just knew.
Bill had never had a faster Sudoku than today’s. It was a good stress reliever, and now he definitely needed to relieve some stress. Too bad there was never going to be a new one. It would eventually be just erasing the old ones and redoing them. He wondered if that what Hell was like. He was thinking about that in the bathroom, whilst Francis and co. were messing with the computer. And then all Hell broke loose. First, he heard a gunshot, probably a pistol. Second, he heard something electronic breaking, probably from the gunshot. Then he heard a girl screaming. He got up faster then Jimmy Gibbs Junior’s race car going down the track. That is, before Jimmy Gibbs became a zombie.
He half-ran through the door and through the hallway to the Testing Area. “Zoey!? Are you alright? Louis? Francis? God damn it.” His heart was pounding at least a thousand beats per second. He felt his heart was going to explode. He was worried that something had happened to them while he had been away. He was nearing the Testing Area. He leveled his pistol. He turned the corner, to face...three horse-like creatures that seemed too colorful for this world to be real. If Bill hadn’t been in ‘Nam all those years ago, he would have had a heart attack right there and then.
“What a crock of horseshit.”
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NOW THIS IS A CROSSOVER!!!
I like the idea, quite a few meta references in it, but I think they kind of ditract from the story. Nice idea, I'd like to see where this goes.
THIS IS GOLD!
PURE GOLD!
hmmm, i think the suvivors are from gmod, with the way thier acting....
This story is considerably better than I was expecting from the summary. I'll keep watching where this goes.
I do need to comment on this sentence: "The Witches started to stop wandering and started to choose a spot to cry in for the night." Don't say they "started to stop" because that's awkward, say they "stopped wandering." Other than that, the writing is pretty good.
Friggin' sweet!
epic
Nice and accurate speech!
Time to stay up all night reading fantastic writing...AGAIN!
This is required by the state of retardation:
chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/funny-gifs-meanwhile-in-the-library.gif
Did you find the retard?
This message brought to you by the S.O.R its not aids
Kinda got a problem with this; why in hell would ponies need assault rifles and smg's for pest control? Because I'm pretty sure they aren't at war with anyone.
'The bigger the gun the more it'll kick'. Thats a lie. My mom's glock kicks more than my dad's 7.62x39 sega. (Civilian model of the AK-47). Its 'the shorter the barrel the more of a kick. That is, unless its a rifle without a gas-recoil action.