Three Worlds

by CookiesOnFridays

THIS IS MADNESS!

Chapter 2- THIS IS MADNESS!

(Note- I’m just going to hurp the derp. Also this is my first crossover derp!)

(*** means Team Fortress 2 POV, --- means Skyrim POV, [[]] means Ponyville POV)

(WARNING- HAS A LOT OF CURSING!)

---

-(At the Throat of the World)-

The Elder Dragon just sat where he was taking on the hard hailing snow. It had no effect on him, but his heart felt like a stone underneath frozen waters, underneath frozen ice, underneath frozen air, underneath frozen clouds, and finally, underneath another shit tone of ice that is above the waters and this doesn’t make any fucking sense.

“Dragon Born…” The Elder Dragon sobbed, his tears melting the snow, “Where did you go-“

“POOTIS-“

POW! Something rather large and round landed on the snow creating an avalanche of loose snow to tumble down across the mountain. But that wasn’t what surprised the Elder Dragon. He was more overly shocked by how this man survived! Judging from distance, he seemed to have fallen about one-hundred feet above ground. The Dragon Born would have been dead when he fell down even 15 feet!

The round creature picked up his head in an overly dramatic way.

The Elder Dragon looked at him with curiosity. Finally taking the courage to speak to this young round beast, the Dragon spoke up, with his voice shaking like thunder!

“WHO DARES STEP FOOT UPON THE THROAT OF THE WORLD WITHOUT PERMISSION!?” The Elder Dragon boomed out loud breathing fire at the same time.

The round fat man looked at him with wide cosmic eyes, “I am heavy weapons guy… And you are Pyro?”

The Elder Dragon looked at him with curiosity… What was he talking about?

“So,” The Elder Dragon began, “Your name is…?”

The Hoovy looked at him… Then his eyes went to either sides of his head, and finally he let out a big fart that melted some more snow.

“I am heavy weapons guy… But team calls me Hoovy-“

“Oh I don’t have any time for this!” The Elder Dragon said as he took a stance and he took in a large breath of frosty air.

“FUS RO DAH!”

The Hoovy let out his Russian yell as he was blasted off the mountain. He didn’t stop until he hit a rather large piece of ice between his shins, finally tumbling down on the soft, cold blanket of snow. This caused another avalanche which covered the poor town of Riverwood with snow and killed off five people.

The Elder Dragon let out a large sigh of relief now that the idiot was gone.

“Ah finally… Some peace and quiet.”

The Elder Dragon smiled, but he sat where he was not even moving an inch. For a few moments the Elder Dragon sat where he was until he finally let out another sigh but with a hint of loneliness.

“Damn, I’m all alone… AGAIN!”

The Elder Dragon’s loud roars could be heard for miles on end even reaching the end of Skyrim itself! All the chickens, birds, and bears looked up into the sky and let out their cries as well. Legend says the voice of the Elder Dragon still lingers to this day… WHICH IS A BUNCH OF BULL SHIT!

The Heavy however just kept tumbling down and down, turning over and over again and again till he hit even more snow. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of rolling, the Hoovy landed with his face a few inches deep in dirt.

“Ahhh…” The Hoovy moaned as he looked at his health bar.

“Dah… This is not good!”

The Heavy looked around his surroundings, trying to find something to eat. Of course he preferred a sandvich, but that was long gone… For somewhere along the way down it has disappeared.

The Heavy only had about fifty health left, so he was in dire need for medical attention. He wandered around the woods aimlessly, with his eyes still averted. Finally, he came to a wide field of grass. With a wind mill, a large stone building, and a few houses dotted along the road. But what really caught the Heavy’s eye was the large fortress that beamed with light.

It was well after dark, and the Heavy was hungry, tired, and sleepy, but there was only one important thing on his mind…

‘Sandvich…’

As the hoovy got closer to the castle walls he smiled with glee. He was just about to open the door, when a rather well animated figure stepped in his way.

“Stop right there! There’s still dragon’s on the loose, no new comer will be able to enter the doors until-“

“Sandvich…”

The guard looked at him. Even though he was wearing a metal helmet which hid most of his eyes, the Hoovy could see right through him.

Once again the guard repeated himself, “Stop right the-“

At this point the Hoovy had no tolerance left. Today was supposed to be cream bacon with loads of sandviches and gravy. But he was missing out, and this made him even more pissed.

The Heavy let out a scream of anger and pounced on the guard, but despite his low health the Heavy didn’t care for much. All through the battle against the guard, he just kept thinking one word.

‘Sandvich…’

Finally getting off of the guard, the Heavy proceeded into the city.

Once he opened and closed the gates, he stared in awe… But then he pooted again and went back to his idiotic self. He looked left and right to try and find a store where they might sell some sandviches. But to no avail, the Heavy didn’t even know where to go. So instead he found a sign that said, ‘Welcome to White Run’.

The Heavy grabbed the sign and shook it so violently, that when he managed to pull it out the sign went flying; which crashed into a house and somehow set it on fire.

And thus he continued to search White Run for a sandvich or any kind of food at all. He passed ‘The Bannered Mare’ about five times, but every time he looked at the sign he laughed out loud and snorted.

“Ponies are for babies!”

[[]]

-(Back at the Library)-

“Where’s the mead!?”

“I- Who are you- No, more importantly what are you!?” Spike said as he panicked in a corner.

Ever since The Dragon Born arrived to the Library he kept asking for mead. Unfortunately he didn’t seem to have noticed he was in a different world. All that was known about him was that he crashed into Twilight’s house keeping the poor purple dragon hostage.

The Dragon Born took another swig of mead, “WHERE’S MY FUCKING MEAD YOU ASSHOLE!?”

“I- I don’t know what mead is sir-“

The Dragon Born stopped drinking… There was no more mead at all… He searched his pockets for mead but all that was left were nothing but cabbages…

“Cabbage…” He said, “Cabbage…”

Dragon Born’s temper started to rise as he kept repeating the words, “Cabbage… Cabbage… Cabbage… Cabbage… CABBAGE!?”

He took off his armor and started to slap Spike yelling the same words over and over again. He was still a little drunk, but he started to come to his senses.

“FUCKING CABBAGE! GOD DAMN CABBAGE! YOU THINK CABBAGE IS FUNNY!?”

Spike couldn’t even respond as he was being smacked back and forth by the Dragon Born. The Dragon Born kept on yelling until his voice became nothing… Utter silence… Not even a single letter came out of his mouth. At this time he stopped slapping the now even more purple colored, now swelled up Spike.

Spike just laid where he was trying to breathe and take note of the situation.

He tried crawling away, but the Dragon Born turned around quickly and spoke only three words…

“FUS RO DAH!”

Spike went blasting off into the air along with the books that covered the entire room. The force of the shout was so powerful that a hole in the tree house was made. The only other things flying out were Spike and many different kinds of books inside the library.

The beaten up purple dragon struggled to sit up straight as he crawled on the dirt ground.

A shadow loomed over Spike, making him shiver in even more fear. It seemed like a monster from the deep alleys of hell was just brought upon them. Spike looked up in fear and covered his face with his small claws.

The Dragon Born looked at Spike with eyes of fire…

“S-Some pony, help me!” Spike screamed out as he yelled in pain and sorrow.

The Dragon Born stopped his evil glare and looked straight at Spike with clear eyes… Did he just say… Pony…?

The Dragon Born turned away from Spike, and for once he took good note of his surroundings. Marvelous buildings that seemed to have been made out of candy, the soft dirt roads with its patches of grass. And the clear blue skies with the sound of chirping birds. But what really awed the Dragon Born, was that he was being stared at a few dozen ponies that seemed to have gathered around this tragic sight. But the Dragon Born didn’t care. He backed away from Spike, and turned around, facing a mare with a rather long black mane, and a grey coat that made her eyes sparkle.

The mare’s name was Octavia. She has only come to Ponyville to perform a large orchestra that would raise money to rebuild a section of Ponyville.

“M-May I h-help you good s-sir?” Octavia stammered as she backed away.

The Dragon Born just looked at her with distaste… But then his expression changed to a ‘DERP FACE’.

“PONY!” The Dragon Born yelled out in his most manly voice.

He took Octavia by the throat which made a cute ‘squeak’ and he placed her down on the ground.

“MUSH!” The Dragon Born yelled out loud.

Octavia tried her best and only managed to go a few steps before she collapsed on the ground, panting with her tooshy up.

The Dragon Born was rather excited because not only could he speak in this world when there were ponies around he loved ponies like crazy (which was his secret fetish).

For example, when he first heard of the ‘Bannered Mare’ he thought he was going to see ponies everywhere. But unfortunately it was nothing but a glum sleep in inn.

But this place… It was different… The ponies looked different, they looked cuter, they looked a lot more attractive, and this made the Dragon Born so excited he yelled every word.

“THIS IS SO FUCKING EXCITING! I AM SO HAPPY TO MEET YOU ALL!”

Every pony started to back away as he picked up poor Octavia and hugged her like a doll.

The Dragon Born stuck out his tongue and laughed hysterically. He was enjoying himself a little TOO much.

“LOOK AT THESE FUCKING BUILDINGS!” He yelled out as he took a yellow chunk of wood from a random house.

There was a burst of angry remarks coming from the house with a sudden hole in its wall, but the Dragon Born didn’t care as he took a bite out of it.

“S-Sir!” Said a yellow pony with an orange mane, was wearing a cake like hat was named Mr. Cake.

“That’s not candy, it’s woo-“

The Dragon Born was too late to hear the warning as he took a bite of the appetizing piece of wood…

He yelled out in rage and he sucked in a large breath of air yelling out every curse word imaginable as he held his hands against his teeth.

“FUCK!” He said as he burned a house down.

“SHIT!” He yelled as he blew a house down.

“NIGGA!” He yelled out as he vaporized an Old Granny Smith to an alternative universe.

“BITCH ASS!”

So basically Ponyville got fucked up… But that wasn’t all…

“GOD DAMN IT!” The Dragon Born yelled as he stomped on a burning piece of wood.

“ONE SECOND I WAS TALKING WITH THE ELDER DRAGON IN THE SNOW, AND NOW I’M ATTACKING A FUCKING VILLAGE OF PONIES! I’M THE FUCKING HUNTER HERE BITCH!” He yelled as he sliced a barrel apart.

“IF I ONLY HAD WINGS LIKE A DRAGO-“

The Dragon Born stopped as he looked around and saw that he has destroyed almost half of this great village… This sweet innocent village… He didn’t know if he killed any pony, but he knew that he could’ve hurt a little pony.

The Dragon Born dropped to his knees and trembled…

Ah this is bull shit, this is what happened!

A burst of shining light came in front of the Dragon Born as he shielded his eyes from the rays of light.

A booming voice that seemed to match the Dragon Born’s thum shouted, “How dare you destroy a village of Equestria you strange one, I don’t know who you are or why you’re doing this, but I’m telling you that this will cost you one million years dungeon!”

The Dragon Born looked in awe toward the shimmering pony/pegasus/unicorn. But suddenly, a random thought came into mind.

“Hey um… Miss?”

“What!?” The Shimmering pony said.

“Does this place have any dragons?”

The shimmering figure looked at the Dragon Born with confusion, “Yes we do… But they are dangerous creatures and are potential enemies of our kind. So we don’t really like them here-“

“That’s all I need to know…”

The Dragon Born didn’t know if this shout would work or not, but he needed to try. He needed to be-friend these ponies with dragons because they were nice creatures. Dragons weren’t that bad, they just go on rampages from stupid things like a stomach ache, or their girlfriend dragons dumped them. So the Dragon Born knew perfectly well what these dragons might suffer from.

The Dragon Born gasped in a large amount of air and released it shouting three words, “OD AH VIING!”

For a few seconds the shimmering figure just hovered in front of the Dragon Born as he gave his best cat face. The shimmering figure as bright as the sun didn’t reduce her power.

The figure just asked puzzled, “What exactly did you do-“

And as if right on cue, there was a cry of anger that rumbled the ground.

The Dragon Born looked up to not only see one dragon, but two dragons, no three, no… There was an entire army of dragons and the stomping of their feet touching the ground created a miniature Equestria shake.

“What the hell- why are we here?” The dragon said in plain English to another dragon next to him.

Dragon number two shrugged, “I don’t know, but I swear I heard ‘Odd Hot Wings’. I don’t even know what odd means!”

The Dragon born smiled as he looked up at his dragon army. The shout worked…

The Dragon Born pointed toward the rest of ponyville and shouted, “LETS MAKE FRIENDS THERE!”

The dragons stomped their feet on the ground and they seemed excited.

“Oh man, I think he says the ‘Odd Hot Wings’ are there! Come on bros!”

The legion of dragons charged for the other part of the village with more ponies running around in a panic to try and escape the expanding flames, and the chaos that seemed to rise once again.

The Dragon Born stood where he was and smiles….

“Ponies…” He said as he did his cat face once again.

***

“Well you’re the one who brought up the idea Twilight!” Rarity yelled as she stomped her hooves on the now concrete floor.

Twilight just gasped in disbelief, “Me!? I just tried to help, and now look, it’s ruined-“

“Um every pony?” Fluttershy said as she tried to get attention from her friends.

Applejack stomped her hooves just next to Rarity’s “Well you’re the one-“

“Um everypony?” Fluttershy said a little bit lower this time.

The five mares continued to bicker and fight over who did it first and who’s responsible. They’ve been at this for a rather long time, until finally, Fluttershy got enough courage to shout out her inner, and most deepest evil.

“WILL YOU NIGGERS STOP THIS ALREADY!? I DON’T GIVE A FUCKING CELESTIA WHO DID IT FIRST! YOU BITCHES GOT TO KNOW ABOUT FRIENDSHP! AND IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, WE’RE NOT EVEN IN THE LIBRARY ANYMORE!”

Fluttershy covered her mouth as quick as possible after she released her inner most anger and impatience. The rest of the mares looked at Fluttershy, their mouths reaching to the floor.

Fluttershy looked at the floor, “I-I’m sorry… B-But if you haven’t noticed we’re not in the library anymore and um… Well, there are some strange people watching us…”

Fluttershy pointed toward a small gathering of people and the rest of the five mares followed.

And there, they saw a thing with a robotic hand, a crying young thing who was pointing at Rainbow Dash, a thing with a rocket launcher, a black thing with a shield, a thing with a big thing that had red mist coming out, a thing with a long knife and a bottle of some yellow fluid, and finally, a man with a red suit.

Twilight whispered, “Who are they!?”

The rest of the mares shrugged and started to whisper amongst themselves.

The Engineer extended his neck and adjusted his goggles, “And now I’ve seen everything!”

The Medic shook his head, “This is impossible, these… Ponies, how can they talk!?”

“I-I can’t stop crying!” The Scout said as she kept wailing to the rainbow colored mare.

“If Heavy was here he would kick your American ass! Or should I kick it for you?” The Soldier exclaimed as he advanced to the wailing Scout with a whip.

“Ooohh” The Spy said as he wiggled his fingers toward the marshmallow colored mares, “I got my eyes on this one.” He said as he smacked his ass.

The six mares stopped their whisper and faced the eight standing things.

“What are you-“ Twilight began.

“THE THING IS ATTACKING!” The Soldier cried out as he yelled and cowered in fear.

“WAHHHH!” The Scout still cried as he now cowered in fear.

Everyone was crying and crying and even committing suicide. At first the six mares were shocked when they killed themselves, but when they came back to life they just sighed in relief.

Every class kept killing themselves except for the Medic and the Spy. The Spy was laughing like a fucking retard and snorting while the Medic just face palmed himself while watching the idiots die.

“Ugh…” The Medic said in his German accent, “This is truly embarrassing-“

“Excuse me um… Sir?”

The Medic removed his hand from his face and opened his eyes to meet the same yellow mare who ranted amongst the other ponies.

Fluttershy didn’t make direct eye contact to this thing with rubber gloves, but she did try and keep calm even if she was shy.

“Um sir… I was just wondering why they keep um… Keep coming back to life…”

The Medic just looked at Fluttershy, each second his eyes widening in surprise and delight. For once in his life, his eyes sparkled with glee and fear… He tried to fight it, but he knew he was losing the battle. And finally, he broke into pieces.

“THE CUTENESS LEVEL IS OVER UBER POWER!”

The Medic looked at his medigun charge and let out a cry of madness until he started to glow an evil color of red, and finally he fucking exploded showering Fluttershy in blood…

Fluttershy looked at her now blood stained hooves, and then she looked at the medigun the thing was using.

She advanced towards it and touched it with one hoof and trembled in horror but also in pleasure. She smiled and laughed evilly.

She turned around and looked at the other ponies with an evil stare and yelled out, “WHO WANT’S TO GO PRACTICE MEDICINE!?”

Finally after that yell the rest of the ‘suicidal’ group finally stopped and stared at Fluttershy, and so did the rest of the mares.

Fluttershy covered her mouth and backed a few steps back, “Well um… Only if you want too…”

She gave everyone a cute smile with a cute ‘squee’ sound, and ran outside.

A buzzing sound came on and a rather profound voice came from nowhere announcing, “Mission begins in sixty seconds…”

The Spy took out another cigar and placed it in his mouth getting all serious, all the while riding Rarity like a horse, “Ahem, mentalgen? Shall we?”

Little did the six mares know, shit was just about to go down… Really, really hard… Even harder than what Celestia will do when you find out about her Twilight Sparkle picture collection.

(End Note- I’ma derp and herp and I didn’t take this as a herp but took it as a derp, this was random I know. I’m just derping in this story because I feel like it and I hope I did alright in my first crossover, but anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this. Because my friend did, she said it was alright… But she said it was random… Yes, random… :3)