(Authors note- This is my first third person view fic and this may be kind of random… But I gave this a little thought and I decided why not. This isn’t a serious story so don’t count on anything dramatic or awesome lol. There are ponies in this story, I have the indications down below.)
(*** means Team Fortress 2 POV, --- means Skyrim POV, [[]] means Ponyville POV)
Chapter 1- Three Dimensions
***
-At the Map Badwater Basin-
As a once famous scoot said, 'grass grows, birds fly, and brother? I hurt people'
That is the same concept here except, lets just say there is a lot of blood and less birds.
The beautiful mountain tops with their tint of brown, the small buildings and a tunnel that cuts right underneath a small hill. The rail tracks shimmering under the hot sun that leads toward an endless abyss. This was the perfect place for peace, quiet, and meditation... Except...
“Medic, Medic, Medic, Medic, Help me doctor-“
But it was too late as an arrow suddenly was implanted in the Sniper’s knee as he was trying to run back to spawn.
As for the red team who were defending, they were losing the battle. Already the blue team has pushed up the cart at a steady pace and with a spy going around sapping the Engi’s ‘dispenser’, all seemed lost.
The medic at spawn has brought half of his teammates back to try and make a battle plan, but everybody was excited because for dinner today, they had cream bacon with loads of sandvich’s and gravy.
“Everyone listen up!” The Medic said to the scunt, soldier, spy, and hoovy.
The Medic pulled back his gloves, “We need an uba to destroy all of the Blue Teams precious arrow snipers! This is truly embarrassing, we are getting beaten by nine snipers!”
“Well at least they have better aim then you!” The Spy said snorting and laughing.
“MEDIC! They have pushed the cart near final bomb station! We must push da cart!” The Hoovy said picking up his mini-gun.
The rest of the team nodded in agreement while the Medic started to charge up his Medi-Gun.
“Then let’s go practice medicine…”
The Heavy and the Medic burst out of the spawn room and Heavy Weapons Guy started firing toward the advancing enemy cart.
“Push up!” The Medic shouted over the gun fire.
As the pair advanced, the huntsmen snipers started to fall one by one, but both knew they would be back after the spawning time was over.
The Hoovy sneered, “Let us spawn camp!”
The entire team cheered with approval at they charged up the slope and charged alongside the tracks, all the while firing their weapons like idiots.
The Blue Team has spawned before Red Team has gotten there, but were quickly demolished by the new pride and spirit the Red Team had. With a final push and evil laughter the Hoovy fired his mini gun at the incoming Snipers.
“You are all baby men!” The Hoovy said while imitating baby cries.
From inside the Blue Team’s spawn came the sound of a yelling Sniper, “You’ve already lost Red Team! You didn’t know of our plans!”
With that the Hoovy stopped firing and took out his sandvich, “Vhat!?”
The laughter of Snipers came from inside of the Spawn was over welling, until finally someone cried out.
“We had a spy with us you dumb o’l twit! And he’s probably pushing the cart right about-“
There was a rather large explosion, bigger then there normally was coming from the Red Team’s base.
The Snipers didn’t seem to celebrate their victory but rather closed their spawn doors in a panic.
“Vhat is going on doctor!?” Hoovy said looking at the mushroom cloud.
The Medic’s jaw dropped to the floor, “I have no idea, but that must be the new bomb the announcer had in store for us!”
The rest of the Red Team were screaming and running around in a panic.
“I have an uber ready Heavy, we can do this!”
The Medic looked at the advancing cloud of dust and the rumbling sound seemed to get louder.
“Charge me doctor-“
The Medic had just enough time to release his charge before the explosion hit them. It lasted for only a split second and when everyone re-spawned, the Hoovy wasn’t there… As if, he was killed off entirely from the blast…
---
-(On Top of the Throat of the World)-
The sound of laughter and shouts rumbled across the mountain. An evil far greater then the creatures of the dark, are enjoying themselves... As the blizzard thickens, the ground rumbles like thunder, causing hundreds of citizens below to tremble with fear. The creature laughs and continues to drink, while a fearsome dragon rages on. The laughter goes on and on, like an old fairytale that seems to echo across the jagged snowy mountain top. The dragon finally let out another shout and blasted fire into the air.
The Elder Dragon laughed as he pounded the white snow with his big claws.
“Oh Dragon Born, you amuse me when you’re drunk! You could actually speak English.”
The Dragon Born took a swig of mead, “W-Well I got to tell you man, I have a new trick over here!”
The Elder Dragon looked at him with a curious face, “Oh really? What is that?”
“I-I could blast off across the world! But I need you to use your Fus Ro Dah-“
“Wow, wow, wow, I can’t do that. My shout is so strong, it’ll blast you out of this world-“
The Dragon Born just laughed like an idiot, “Don’t be such a party pooper Dragon buddy! Come on!”
The Dragon sighed and got ready for his shout, “Alright but don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”
The Dragon Born laughed and got ready as well. But before he could position himself correctly he took another swig of mead which was a big mistake.
The Elder Dragon already released his shout and the three words echoed across the mountain and blasted a drunken Dragon Born away. Far past the planet, far past space, and far past an orange planet that had seemed to have a big explosion.
[[]]
-(At the Tree House of Twilight Sparkle)-
The room was filled with the sound of popping bubbles all concentrated inside a test tube. The room was filled with tension as Twilight, carefully added another drop of yellow like liquid. Even the books that were everywhere, in their shelves seemed to hold their breathes.
But Applejack just had to ruin the tense moment like a cunt!
“I don’t know about this Twilight, are you sure this spell will make us well… More attractive?” Applejack said as she stomped her hooves against the floor of the tree house.
Twilight giggled and flipped through her spell book and potion’s book, “There’s nothing to be afraid of Applejack! I mean come on, this will make you girls superlicous! you will be well… What do did Rainbow Dash say?”
“She said SWAG which stands for Super, Wooper, Alooper, Great Party! We will have cake, cupcakes, cookies, punch, milk, and cupcakes, and cupcakes, cupcakes, cupcakes, cupcakes!” A rather pinkish pony said as she crashed through the front door.
Twilight lost her concentration and accidently poured the whole content of a white like fluid into the potion bottle. At first Twilight was skeptical about there being an explosion, but after a while nothing exploded. She just shrugged and started pouring the next few ingredients.
Another few moments passed, a rather white marshmallow colored mare trotted inside.
“I must say Twilight I can’t be thankful enough to see you doing this for us!”
Twilight just shrugged, “Well this is for you guys. I know that you all been eyeing that new stallion that recently came here so I was just thinking I could help you guys out.”
“O-oh that would be wonderful Twilight, I just hope he likes animals.”
“Well guess what Fluttershy, he’s going to be all mine! Who knew he could be hard working, attractive, and fast!”
Another two mares arrived both hovering as they entered the house of Twilight Sparkle. One was yellow and one was a rather rainbow like mare.
“Oh hey Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, I’m just about done. I just need to add this little drop of spice and…”
Twilight concentrated on her magic as she dropped a single hint of a red fire like liquid and watched as it mixed inside the now shimmering potion.
“Done, now to just heat it up with-“
All the four mares dived for the chemistry tube filled with the shimmering liquid. Everyone besides Fluttershy and Twilight who was furiously trying to get a hold of her friends.
“Wait you guys, I’m not completely finished with it! If that somehow drops by accident it’ll create a whole different potion!” Twilight said as she tried to get a hold of the tube with her magic.
“Girls really, if you’re not careful then it’ll turn into-“
There was a crash and a crack followed by a large mist that seemed to spread like wild fire.
Applejack stomped her hoof on the ground, “See!? Now look what y’all done!”
“What we done? You’re the one who was grabbed it first!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“It wasn’t me you idiot, it was Fluttershy!” Applejack retorted as she pointed to the yellow defenseless mare.
Twilight stepped in, holding a hoof against Fluttershy, “Fluttershy didn’t do anything! If you guys are going to fight like this, then I won’t make something like this ever aga-“
“Oh so now Mrs. Smarty Pants Who Can Make A Potion is joining the argument!” Rainbow Dash said as she gave Twilight a distasteful look.
The six mares were arguing without restraint, but what they didn’t know was they slowly started to disappear. First slightly fading, then see through, then completely invisible.
Nobody knows where they went, but when the six mares finally came to their senses, the world they knew, was far away throughout space.
(End Note- I think this was kind of cool but weird and random at the same time. Hope you guys liked my random fic? I guess you could call it random. More pony next chapter!)
Chapter 2- THIS IS MADNESS!
(Note- I’m just going to hurp the derp. Also this is my first crossover derp!)
(*** means Team Fortress 2 POV, --- means Skyrim POV, [[]] means Ponyville POV)
(WARNING- HAS A LOT OF CURSING!)
---
-(At the Throat of the World)-
The Elder Dragon just sat where he was taking on the hard hailing snow. It had no effect on him, but his heart felt like a stone underneath frozen waters, underneath frozen ice, underneath frozen air, underneath frozen clouds, and finally, underneath another shit tone of ice that is above the waters and this doesn’t make any fucking sense.
“Dragon Born…” The Elder Dragon sobbed, his tears melting the snow, “Where did you go-“
“POOTIS-“
POW! Something rather large and round landed on the snow creating an avalanche of loose snow to tumble down across the mountain. But that wasn’t what surprised the Elder Dragon. He was more overly shocked by how this man survived! Judging from distance, he seemed to have fallen about one-hundred feet above ground. The Dragon Born would have been dead when he fell down even 15 feet!
The round creature picked up his head in an overly dramatic way.
The Elder Dragon looked at him with curiosity. Finally taking the courage to speak to this young round beast, the Dragon spoke up, with his voice shaking like thunder!
“WHO DARES STEP FOOT UPON THE THROAT OF THE WORLD WITHOUT PERMISSION!?” The Elder Dragon boomed out loud breathing fire at the same time.
The round fat man looked at him with wide cosmic eyes, “I am heavy weapons guy… And you are Pyro?”
The Elder Dragon looked at him with curiosity… What was he talking about?
“So,” The Elder Dragon began, “Your name is…?”
The Hoovy looked at him… Then his eyes went to either sides of his head, and finally he let out a big fart that melted some more snow.
“I am heavy weapons guy… But team calls me Hoovy-“
“Oh I don’t have any time for this!” The Elder Dragon said as he took a stance and he took in a large breath of frosty air.
“FUS RO DAH!”
The Hoovy let out his Russian yell as he was blasted off the mountain. He didn’t stop until he hit a rather large piece of ice between his shins, finally tumbling down on the soft, cold blanket of snow. This caused another avalanche which covered the poor town of Riverwood with snow and killed off five people.
The Elder Dragon let out a large sigh of relief now that the idiot was gone.
“Ah finally… Some peace and quiet.”
The Elder Dragon smiled, but he sat where he was not even moving an inch. For a few moments the Elder Dragon sat where he was until he finally let out another sigh but with a hint of loneliness.
“Damn, I’m all alone… AGAIN!”
The Elder Dragon’s loud roars could be heard for miles on end even reaching the end of Skyrim itself! All the chickens, birds, and bears looked up into the sky and let out their cries as well. Legend says the voice of the Elder Dragon still lingers to this day… WHICH IS A BUNCH OF BULL SHIT!
The Heavy however just kept tumbling down and down, turning over and over again and again till he hit even more snow. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of rolling, the Hoovy landed with his face a few inches deep in dirt.
“Ahhh…” The Hoovy moaned as he looked at his health bar.
“Dah… This is not good!”
The Heavy looked around his surroundings, trying to find something to eat. Of course he preferred a sandvich, but that was long gone… For somewhere along the way down it has disappeared.
The Heavy only had about fifty health left, so he was in dire need for medical attention. He wandered around the woods aimlessly, with his eyes still averted. Finally, he came to a wide field of grass. With a wind mill, a large stone building, and a few houses dotted along the road. But what really caught the Heavy’s eye was the large fortress that beamed with light.
It was well after dark, and the Heavy was hungry, tired, and sleepy, but there was only one important thing on his mind…
‘Sandvich…’
As the hoovy got closer to the castle walls he smiled with glee. He was just about to open the door, when a rather well animated figure stepped in his way.
“Stop right there! There’s still dragon’s on the loose, no new comer will be able to enter the doors until-“
“Sandvich…”
The guard looked at him. Even though he was wearing a metal helmet which hid most of his eyes, the Hoovy could see right through him.
Once again the guard repeated himself, “Stop right the-“
At this point the Hoovy had no tolerance left. Today was supposed to be cream bacon with loads of sandviches and gravy. But he was missing out, and this made him even more pissed.
The Heavy let out a scream of anger and pounced on the guard, but despite his low health the Heavy didn’t care for much. All through the battle against the guard, he just kept thinking one word.
‘Sandvich…’
Finally getting off of the guard, the Heavy proceeded into the city.
Once he opened and closed the gates, he stared in awe… But then he pooted again and went back to his idiotic self. He looked left and right to try and find a store where they might sell some sandviches. But to no avail, the Heavy didn’t even know where to go. So instead he found a sign that said, ‘Welcome to White Run’.
The Heavy grabbed the sign and shook it so violently, that when he managed to pull it out the sign went flying; which crashed into a house and somehow set it on fire.
And thus he continued to search White Run for a sandvich or any kind of food at all. He passed ‘The Bannered Mare’ about five times, but every time he looked at the sign he laughed out loud and snorted.
“Ponies are for babies!”
[[]]
-(Back at the Library)-
“Where’s the mead!?”
“I- Who are you- No, more importantly what are you!?” Spike said as he panicked in a corner.
Ever since The Dragon Born arrived to the Library he kept asking for mead. Unfortunately he didn’t seem to have noticed he was in a different world. All that was known about him was that he crashed into Twilight’s house keeping the poor purple dragon hostage.
The Dragon Born took another swig of mead, “WHERE’S MY FUCKING MEAD YOU ASSHOLE!?”
“I- I don’t know what mead is sir-“
The Dragon Born stopped drinking… There was no more mead at all… He searched his pockets for mead but all that was left were nothing but cabbages…
“Cabbage…” He said, “Cabbage…”
Dragon Born’s temper started to rise as he kept repeating the words, “Cabbage… Cabbage… Cabbage… Cabbage… CABBAGE!?”
He took off his armor and started to slap Spike yelling the same words over and over again. He was still a little drunk, but he started to come to his senses.
“FUCKING CABBAGE! GOD DAMN CABBAGE! YOU THINK CABBAGE IS FUNNY!?”
Spike couldn’t even respond as he was being smacked back and forth by the Dragon Born. The Dragon Born kept on yelling until his voice became nothing… Utter silence… Not even a single letter came out of his mouth. At this time he stopped slapping the now even more purple colored, now swelled up Spike.
Spike just laid where he was trying to breathe and take note of the situation.
He tried crawling away, but the Dragon Born turned around quickly and spoke only three words…
“FUS RO DAH!”
Spike went blasting off into the air along with the books that covered the entire room. The force of the shout was so powerful that a hole in the tree house was made. The only other things flying out were Spike and many different kinds of books inside the library.
The beaten up purple dragon struggled to sit up straight as he crawled on the dirt ground.
A shadow loomed over Spike, making him shiver in even more fear. It seemed like a monster from the deep alleys of hell was just brought upon them. Spike looked up in fear and covered his face with his small claws.
The Dragon Born looked at Spike with eyes of fire…
“S-Some pony, help me!” Spike screamed out as he yelled in pain and sorrow.
The Dragon Born stopped his evil glare and looked straight at Spike with clear eyes… Did he just say… Pony…?
The Dragon Born turned away from Spike, and for once he took good note of his surroundings. Marvelous buildings that seemed to have been made out of candy, the soft dirt roads with its patches of grass. And the clear blue skies with the sound of chirping birds. But what really awed the Dragon Born, was that he was being stared at a few dozen ponies that seemed to have gathered around this tragic sight. But the Dragon Born didn’t care. He backed away from Spike, and turned around, facing a mare with a rather long black mane, and a grey coat that made her eyes sparkle.
The mare’s name was Octavia. She has only come to Ponyville to perform a large orchestra that would raise money to rebuild a section of Ponyville.
“M-May I h-help you good s-sir?” Octavia stammered as she backed away.
The Dragon Born just looked at her with distaste… But then his expression changed to a ‘DERP FACE’.
“PONY!” The Dragon Born yelled out in his most manly voice.
He took Octavia by the throat which made a cute ‘squeak’ and he placed her down on the ground.
“MUSH!” The Dragon Born yelled out loud.
Octavia tried her best and only managed to go a few steps before she collapsed on the ground, panting with her tooshy up.
The Dragon Born was rather excited because not only could he speak in this world when there were ponies around he loved ponies like crazy (which was his secret fetish).
For example, when he first heard of the ‘Bannered Mare’ he thought he was going to see ponies everywhere. But unfortunately it was nothing but a glum sleep in inn.
But this place… It was different… The ponies looked different, they looked cuter, they looked a lot more attractive, and this made the Dragon Born so excited he yelled every word.
“THIS IS SO FUCKING EXCITING! I AM SO HAPPY TO MEET YOU ALL!”
Every pony started to back away as he picked up poor Octavia and hugged her like a doll.
The Dragon Born stuck out his tongue and laughed hysterically. He was enjoying himself a little TOO much.
“LOOK AT THESE FUCKING BUILDINGS!” He yelled out as he took a yellow chunk of wood from a random house.
There was a burst of angry remarks coming from the house with a sudden hole in its wall, but the Dragon Born didn’t care as he took a bite out of it.
“S-Sir!” Said a yellow pony with an orange mane, was wearing a cake like hat was named Mr. Cake.
“That’s not candy, it’s woo-“
The Dragon Born was too late to hear the warning as he took a bite of the appetizing piece of wood…
He yelled out in rage and he sucked in a large breath of air yelling out every curse word imaginable as he held his hands against his teeth.
“FUCK!” He said as he burned a house down.
“SHIT!” He yelled as he blew a house down.
“NIGGA!” He yelled out as he vaporized an Old Granny Smith to an alternative universe.
“BITCH ASS!”
So basically Ponyville got fucked up… But that wasn’t all…
“GOD DAMN IT!” The Dragon Born yelled as he stomped on a burning piece of wood.
“ONE SECOND I WAS TALKING WITH THE ELDER DRAGON IN THE SNOW, AND NOW I’M ATTACKING A FUCKING VILLAGE OF PONIES! I’M THE FUCKING HUNTER HERE BITCH!” He yelled as he sliced a barrel apart.
“IF I ONLY HAD WINGS LIKE A DRAGO-“
The Dragon Born stopped as he looked around and saw that he has destroyed almost half of this great village… This sweet innocent village… He didn’t know if he killed any pony, but he knew that he could’ve hurt a little pony.
The Dragon Born dropped to his knees and trembled…
Ah this is bull shit, this is what happened!
A burst of shining light came in front of the Dragon Born as he shielded his eyes from the rays of light.
A booming voice that seemed to match the Dragon Born’s thum shouted, “How dare you destroy a village of Equestria you strange one, I don’t know who you are or why you’re doing this, but I’m telling you that this will cost you one million years dungeon!”
The Dragon Born looked in awe toward the shimmering pony/pegasus/unicorn. But suddenly, a random thought came into mind.
“Hey um… Miss?”
“What!?” The Shimmering pony said.
“Does this place have any dragons?”
The shimmering figure looked at the Dragon Born with confusion, “Yes we do… But they are dangerous creatures and are potential enemies of our kind. So we don’t really like them here-“
“That’s all I need to know…”
The Dragon Born didn’t know if this shout would work or not, but he needed to try. He needed to be-friend these ponies with dragons because they were nice creatures. Dragons weren’t that bad, they just go on rampages from stupid things like a stomach ache, or their girlfriend dragons dumped them. So the Dragon Born knew perfectly well what these dragons might suffer from.
The Dragon Born gasped in a large amount of air and released it shouting three words, “OD AH VIING!”
For a few seconds the shimmering figure just hovered in front of the Dragon Born as he gave his best cat face. The shimmering figure as bright as the sun didn’t reduce her power.
The figure just asked puzzled, “What exactly did you do-“
And as if right on cue, there was a cry of anger that rumbled the ground.
The Dragon Born looked up to not only see one dragon, but two dragons, no three, no… There was an entire army of dragons and the stomping of their feet touching the ground created a miniature Equestria shake.
“What the hell- why are we here?” The dragon said in plain English to another dragon next to him.
Dragon number two shrugged, “I don’t know, but I swear I heard ‘Odd Hot Wings’. I don’t even know what odd means!”
The Dragon born smiled as he looked up at his dragon army. The shout worked…
The Dragon Born pointed toward the rest of ponyville and shouted, “LETS MAKE FRIENDS THERE!”
The dragons stomped their feet on the ground and they seemed excited.
“Oh man, I think he says the ‘Odd Hot Wings’ are there! Come on bros!”
The legion of dragons charged for the other part of the village with more ponies running around in a panic to try and escape the expanding flames, and the chaos that seemed to rise once again.
The Dragon Born stood where he was and smiles….
“Ponies…” He said as he did his cat face once again.
***
“Well you’re the one who brought up the idea Twilight!” Rarity yelled as she stomped her hooves on the now concrete floor.
Twilight just gasped in disbelief, “Me!? I just tried to help, and now look, it’s ruined-“
“Um every pony?” Fluttershy said as she tried to get attention from her friends.
Applejack stomped her hooves just next to Rarity’s “Well you’re the one-“
“Um everypony?” Fluttershy said a little bit lower this time.
The five mares continued to bicker and fight over who did it first and who’s responsible. They’ve been at this for a rather long time, until finally, Fluttershy got enough courage to shout out her inner, and most deepest evil.
“WILL YOU NIGGERS STOP THIS ALREADY!? I DON’T GIVE A FUCKING CELESTIA WHO DID IT FIRST! YOU BITCHES GOT TO KNOW ABOUT FRIENDSHP! AND IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, WE’RE NOT EVEN IN THE LIBRARY ANYMORE!”
Fluttershy covered her mouth as quick as possible after she released her inner most anger and impatience. The rest of the mares looked at Fluttershy, their mouths reaching to the floor.
Fluttershy looked at the floor, “I-I’m sorry… B-But if you haven’t noticed we’re not in the library anymore and um… Well, there are some strange people watching us…”
Fluttershy pointed toward a small gathering of people and the rest of the five mares followed.
And there, they saw a thing with a robotic hand, a crying young thing who was pointing at Rainbow Dash, a thing with a rocket launcher, a black thing with a shield, a thing with a big thing that had red mist coming out, a thing with a long knife and a bottle of some yellow fluid, and finally, a man with a red suit.
Twilight whispered, “Who are they!?”
The rest of the mares shrugged and started to whisper amongst themselves.
The Engineer extended his neck and adjusted his goggles, “And now I’ve seen everything!”
The Medic shook his head, “This is impossible, these… Ponies, how can they talk!?”
“I-I can’t stop crying!” The Scout said as she kept wailing to the rainbow colored mare.
“If Heavy was here he would kick your American ass! Or should I kick it for you?” The Soldier exclaimed as he advanced to the wailing Scout with a whip.
“Ooohh” The Spy said as he wiggled his fingers toward the marshmallow colored mares, “I got my eyes on this one.” He said as he smacked his ass.
The six mares stopped their whisper and faced the eight standing things.
“What are you-“ Twilight began.
“THE THING IS ATTACKING!” The Soldier cried out as he yelled and cowered in fear.
“WAHHHH!” The Scout still cried as he now cowered in fear.
Everyone was crying and crying and even committing suicide. At first the six mares were shocked when they killed themselves, but when they came back to life they just sighed in relief.
Every class kept killing themselves except for the Medic and the Spy. The Spy was laughing like a fucking retard and snorting while the Medic just face palmed himself while watching the idiots die.
“Ugh…” The Medic said in his German accent, “This is truly embarrassing-“
“Excuse me um… Sir?”
The Medic removed his hand from his face and opened his eyes to meet the same yellow mare who ranted amongst the other ponies.
Fluttershy didn’t make direct eye contact to this thing with rubber gloves, but she did try and keep calm even if she was shy.
“Um sir… I was just wondering why they keep um… Keep coming back to life…”
The Medic just looked at Fluttershy, each second his eyes widening in surprise and delight. For once in his life, his eyes sparkled with glee and fear… He tried to fight it, but he knew he was losing the battle. And finally, he broke into pieces.
“THE CUTENESS LEVEL IS OVER UBER POWER!”
The Medic looked at his medigun charge and let out a cry of madness until he started to glow an evil color of red, and finally he fucking exploded showering Fluttershy in blood…
Fluttershy looked at her now blood stained hooves, and then she looked at the medigun the thing was using.
She advanced towards it and touched it with one hoof and trembled in horror but also in pleasure. She smiled and laughed evilly.
She turned around and looked at the other ponies with an evil stare and yelled out, “WHO WANT’S TO GO PRACTICE MEDICINE!?”
Finally after that yell the rest of the ‘suicidal’ group finally stopped and stared at Fluttershy, and so did the rest of the mares.
Fluttershy covered her mouth and backed a few steps back, “Well um… Only if you want too…”
She gave everyone a cute smile with a cute ‘squee’ sound, and ran outside.
A buzzing sound came on and a rather profound voice came from nowhere announcing, “Mission begins in sixty seconds…”
The Spy took out another cigar and placed it in his mouth getting all serious, all the while riding Rarity like a horse, “Ahem, mentalgen? Shall we?”
Little did the six mares know, shit was just about to go down… Really, really hard… Even harder than what Celestia will do when you find out about her Twilight Sparkle picture collection.
(End Note- I’ma derp and herp and I didn’t take this as a herp but took it as a derp, this was random I know. I’m just derping in this story because I feel like it and I hope I did alright in my first crossover, but anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this. Because my friend did, she said it was alright… But she said it was random… Yes, random… :3)
Chapter 3- Twilight Is Best Mini-gun?
(Note- Hmmm… DERP! This may get a little serious… But meow!)
(*** means Team Fortress 2 POV, --- means Skyrim POV, [[]] means Ponyville POV)
(WARNING- Lots of cursing :3)
[[]]
The mysterious voice of the announcer rang around the battlegrounds once again, “Mission begins in thirty seconds…”
“Come on fellas, the bomb ain’t going to stop itself!” The Engineer replied as he quickly set up a teleporter.
The entire Red team sighed in frustration as they advanced toward the enemy lines. Everyone, except the six mares…
Although Fluttershy did act up like a monster not too long ago, she went back to her shy self and continued to play with the new equipment the Medic gave to her.
Although the explanation from the entire Red Team was very unclear, but they seemed to get the gist of the thirty second answering time. The six mares asked if they could help but the entire team refused (they also learned their called humans), since they were pretty itty bitty ponies.
Applejack stomped her hooves, “This ain’t fair! Why do they get to do these kind of things and we have to hang around here?”
Twilight shrugged, “I don’t know. I mean, they seem like good people-“
There was the sound of incoming projectiles and a loud ‘bang’ could be heard from all the way across the map. Also the sound of agonizing screams echoed back and forth the mountain tops, creating the imitation that resembled a cursed spirit.
“I stand corrected…” Twilight said as she rubbed her mane.
“Well we have to do something!” Rarity said as she tried looked around for anything to use to help them, “That man with a suit seemed like such a gentlemen-“
Rainbow Dash snorted, “Gentlemen? He said ‘mentalgen’! Sounds like to me he’s a bit special in the head.”
“Well what can we do? They were also c-carrying w-weapons.” Fluttershy stammered, “They had knives, g-guns, s-swords, rockets, a-and even more guns!”
“If they have to use deadly force the other ‘team’ wouldn’t be friendly right? I’m sorry girls, but as much as I want to make friends with them, I also don’t want to risk my life… I mean, sure we had a few close calls. But this situation is different. We could get killed from a mile away!” Twilight exclaimed as she waved her hooves back and forth.
“I just want to throw a party for them! I mean, where’s the cupcakes around here!?” Pinkie said as she opened the closets of all the classes.
Pinkie frowned as she took out something that looked like a sandwich, “Really…? A sandwich!? And what’s this stuff?” Pinkie said as she took out a tender, floppy piece of a pink like thing also known as meat.
Before the other five mares could take notice, Pinkie shrugged and stuffed the entire sandwich into her mouth.
“Hey look girls the stuff of the humans!”
Rarity was the first to take notice of the nine different closest and proceeded.
“What is this?” She said as she looked inside the Spies closet and took out what seemed like a diamond encrusted switch blade, “Oh my… Such beauty, no I mustn’t… But…”
Rarity took hold of the knife and continued to rummage through the spies things.
Rainbow Dash was the second one to notice the interesting things inside the mysterious closet of the classes and proceeded to what seemed like the scouts class, “Hmmm… That guy was pretty fast… But…”
She took a set of what seemed like the Scouts clothes and weapons which was a double barreled shotgun, a pistol, and a bat. “I bet I’ll be faster than that ground runner!”
Applejack came to the closet of the Engineer and peered inside. Despite having respect for other ponies privacy this was wrong. On the other hand these ‘things’ weren’t ponies they were called ‘people’. Applejack shrugged and bucked open the closet to reveal a huge assortment of blue prints which she read out loud.
“Hit metal case with wrench, hit with wrench, hit with wrench, continue to hit with wrench, hit with more wrench, put the dispenser on your ass and say ‘nope’…”
Applejack continued to stare at the blue prints until she looked up and grabbed a pair of Engineer clothes which consisted of a red shirt and dark brown overalls with yellow knee pads with a large yellow glove.
“Dear Princess Celestia…” She started as she put the clothes on, “I didn’t learn anything!” She said laughing.
“Girls, I don’t think looking at other ponies- I mean uh… People’s things are bad!” Twilight said as she tried to get everyponies attention.
Rarity put on her suit despite it being oversized she rolled up the sleeves, “Oh come off it Twilight Sparkle! You know you also want to look at their things, it’s pretty interesting!”
“Yeah Twi,” Applejack said as she placed different kinds of wrenches and screwdrivers into her overall pockets, “These guys have everything!”
Twilight hesitated, than thought that it wouldn’t hurt as long as she gave the things back. ‘It would be more like borrowing!’ she thought to herself.
Going toward one of the closets, she opened the one with a picture of a crosshair with a bobble head on top of it. As she opened it she was amazed with what was in store. She took the long gun with an attached scope with wires leading toward the trigger. Taking classes from Celestia herself she had to learn about the weapons that ponies have created and how they used them to defend themselves in Global History. Taking the gun with care she looked through the scope and saw the crosshairs, but a small bar was right on the bottom right corner of the scope.
“A charged shot…” Twilight said as she took her eyes out of the scope. “Like a bow and arrow…”
Applejack continued to rummage through the Engineer’s things and took out what seemed to be a shotgun, “Oh looky one of them shooting things!”
Applejack pulled the trigger on the shotgun and a loud sound of gun fire echoed through the spawn room including a cry of pain as Rainbow Dash fell down on hind legs and placed a hoof on the now newly formed wound in her chest.
“Applejack!” Rainbow Dash said as she clutched her chest, “You idiot!”
Applejack looked stunned, and finally the realization with the blood pooling out of her friends chest dawned on her.
“Ah no!” Applejack said as she rushed over to Rainbow Dash, “I shot you now didn’t I!?”
Rainbow Dash facehooved herself with her other hoof and cried out in agony as she fell down on her back.
“Somepony do something!” Twilight said as she put on the Sniper’s red shirt and vest.
Fluttershy looked around nervously until she looked at the medigun that the Doctor had. She nervously touched it and approached Rainbow Dash. Pulling the switch of the medigun a stream of red light appeared, attaching itself toward Rainbow Dash. Instantly the wound on Rainbow’s chest disappeared, now coated with new flesh and covered with new light blue fur.
Rainbow Dash looked at Fluttershy in awe. Then looked at her with amazement, “Fluttershy… How did you-“
“It was medicine…” Fluttershy said as she stared at the medigun, than at the Doctor’s closet.
She opened it and grabbed a white overall. Smelling it with pure delight and placing it on, she squee’d and grabbed what looked like an oversized water gun filled with syringes with the addition of what looked like a saw.
Fluttershy then looked at the now suited up and battle ready mares. She grinned with delight and gave them an eye sight of pure determination.
“Let’s go kick some human ass…”
As the mares exited out of the spawn the rest of the Red Team started coming back, screaming and hollering as the Blue Team laughed.
Instantly, the mares (despite their least of all battle skills) charged out.
Twilight instantly took cover near a pillar and peeped out, cautious not to let any part of her body show. As she pulled back the handle which released an empty bullet shell, Twilight looked through her scope. Her sights were on target with what appeared to be a black human shooting large blue blinking pill’s down the slope. For a moment Twilight hesitated, she thought that he was an alley, but then she quickly realized the evil glare in his eyes. The Red Team was losing, not winning.
Twilight steadied her breath, and formed calculations in her brain. ‘The human was moving at five miles per hour moving to my right. There’s no wind and the heat from the sun should be hot enough to make the bullet go faster with the bullet dropping at 9.78 meters per second, and he seems to be about fifty meters away… That means I will have to aim just at his eyebrows to get a clean shot right through his-‘
Twilight pulled the trigger and a loud bang pierced through the already intense air. But even if the sound was deafening, the sight of the black human falling down and landing on his back was rewarding. Twilight’s aim was flawless and she gave herself a small pat on the back.
‘A clean shot right through his eye.’ Twilight thought as she moved to the next target which looked like an oversized fat man.
While Twilight was shooting others Rarity clicked a button on her watch and instantly, she became invisible. Avoiding enemy fire she dashed through the hail of bullets and entered a large room with what appeared to be the same Engineer as she saw a few minutes before. But this one was wearing blue. The Engineer was surrounded with buildings, including a sentry with its two mini-gun like barrels and a large head which hosted four waiting rockets to be fired at an enemy target, something that seemed to produce metal, bullets, and that same mist that came from Fluttershy’s medigun but with the a blue light. With a spinning metal platform that produced bright light. A figure appeared instantly and trudged away down a staircase.
Her watch blinked as she saw the bright blue lights go down. Taking out a cigarette case (in which she took out all the cigars) she pressed a small button and instantly, she saw a small cloud of smoke engulf her. Rarity with her watch now depleted, walked up the small set of stairs and looked at the Engineer. ‘It looks like it’s working…’ she said to herself.
Disguising herself as a pyro she approached the engineer and his buildings with ease. As the Blue Engineer looked at her and gave her a small grin he said, “Alright Pyro buddy! Look after my stuff while I go out and help with pushin the cart!”
The Engineer avoided the mare and preceded downstairs which he exited leaving her alone with the buildings. Wasting no time, Rarity took out a sapper and placed it on all the Engineer’s buildings. Creating a large spark that halted all the buildings processes of continuing anything.
“A Spy!” Called the Engineer as he rushed back inside to see his buildings blow up in pieces.
But as he looked around he didn’t see anything. Shrugging his shoulders he scanned the area for anything that might’ve caused a threat.
Little did he know that Rarity was right behind him, as she uncloaked, she took out the diamond encrusted knife and expressed disgust.
“What kind of outfit is that!?” She said before plunging the knife into the Engineer’s back.
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was running around a Blue Scout who was holding back tears as he franticly fired his weapons at the light blue mare.
“Oh come on!” Rainbow Dash said as she flew around the air dodging every single shot the Scout fired at him.
Rainbow Dash just laughed and slapped her knee, “You suck!”
The Blue Scout stopped firing and sat right on his ass and he cried like a big baby. Rainbow Dash looked sorry for him and landed next to him patting his back.
“It’s okay little blue man!” She said as she patted his back, “It’ll be okay-“
And just like that the Blue Scout disappeared and a sudden notice below her appeared saying, “Player ‘Blue Scunt is a Cunt’ Has Rage Quit”
Rainbow Dash rubbed her head and then punched herself in which she produced skittles.
Pinkie Pie rushed outside holding a mini-gun and started shooting like a mad pony, laughing like an idiot while she did so (Which is awesome!). Countless bodies fell as she approached the now cowering enemies as they ran away. Pinkie Pie stopped shooting and withdrew her gun, waiting for them to come back.
“What’s going on?” She said, “Where’s the party!?”
Twilight appeared beside her and rubbed her mane, “I’m not sure Pinkie, but I’m pretty sure that we’ve won this battle-“
As if right on cue a whole flood of messages appeared on the notice section. And it seemed as if the battle has just begun…
Like an earthquake the ground shook, and a flood of Blue Soldiers appeared as they made a turn to go for the final bomb. There seemed to be hundreds of them as they approached them with rockets blazing.
Fluttershy got right to work and aimed her medi-gun right at Pinkie Pie who was firing her last few bullets at the incoming Blue Soldiers, and a few seconds later her weapon clicked, shooting nothing but air at the direction of the horde.
“I’m out of cupcake ammo!” Pinkie said as she looked around for something to use. Applejack was too far away to get ammo and she was running away, knowing that she was going to die. Rarity was retreating as well because there were too many rockets for her to evade, and Rainbow Dash rushed forward, but quickly came back as rockets constantly chased her away from them.
Twilight continued to fire her sniper rifle until her sniper fired no more, which she tucked away in her back.
“W-What do we do now girls!?” Twilight said waving her arms dramatically.
Pinkie Pie stared at Twilight and grabbed her without warning and started to snip her tail around.
“W-What are you doing Pinkie!?” Twilight said as she protested resisting the feeling to discharge her magic.
Pinkie Pie didn’t answer but instead looked at Doctor Flutershy, “Are you sure this will work!?”
Fluttershy laughed and yelled over the rocket fire, “I have no idea!”
And with those final words, Fluttershy spun Twilight’s tail faster than ever, releasing Twilight’s magical fury of magic bullets which streamed like a waterfall against the incoming enemy soldiers.
Just as a rocket was about to hit Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight, Fluttershy flicked a switch on the medi-gun releasing the same evil glow that the Medic released when he saw Fluttershy.
An evil crimson red covered the three mares as they pulled down every single last enemy they could place a bullet on. And with that they carried on up toward the hill, and stepped on the dead bodies of the fallen Blue Team. Savoring the sweet smell of win (which was nothing but blood and fore) when the announcer said “Victory”
All the humans on Red Team approached outside from the spawning point and stared at the three mares who just claimed victory from the entire server.
“Bloody hell…” The human Red Sniper said as she stared at Twilight.
The Medic just eyed Fluttershy like a crazy mad man, “October Fest?” The Medic said unsure if it was the correct time to say such things.
And the Heavy well, he wasn’t here… He was actually in White Run Castle in Skyrim…
---
“Who do you think you are? Running a rampage against my people, starting fires, creating chaos and destruction everywhere you go! Just what is your name you monster!?” The Jarl of White Run said as she stroked his gold colored beard.
The Heavy looked up with only his head and attempted to move his hands which were handcuffed with a large rectangular chunk of metal.
“My name is Heavy Weapons guy… And you are pootis!”
The Jarl stared at the strange creature and narrowed his eyes, “I’ve never seen such… Such… Such strange Nords like you… Where are you from?”
The Heavy smiled and laughed for a second, he knew the answer to this one! The Heavy took a deep breath and was about to say something, until his brain released a large fart and he made another derp face. The Jarl was not amused…
“One million years dungeon!” The Jarl said smacking the Heavy in the head.
A sexy lady with a silky red dress and shiny black braided hair appeared approaching the Jarl and her hands on her curvy hips.
“Jarl Balgruff!” She yelled piercing her eyes right through the Jarl’s mind.
The Jarl face palmed himself and muttered, “Oh shit…”
The whore approached the Jarl and smacked him in the face with such great forced that it made the next man to be slapped die.
“What is it now!?” The Jarl said as he looked up at the women.
“How many times do I need to tell you to clean up your room after you get out of bed!?” She yelled as she slammed her hands on the throne.
“But mom!” The Jarl said as he stroked his beard, “The servants will take care of it-“
“And you get your lazy ass to this throne and just sit all day! You do nothing, you would’ve been more successful as a scribe!”
“But mom-“
“No buts!” She said as she bore her eyes into her son.
The women might’ve been only forty years old but she was the greatest whore in White Run… That is until she gave birth to an ugly child.
Finally the women stared at the Heavy with piercing eyes, “And you…”
The Heavy stared at the women and just gave her a cross eyed stare, all the while pooting creating a foul smell which flooded the room.
The women seemed to like it, it made her horny. She stripped to her panties right in front of the Jarl and all the guards stared at her warm, delicious body.
“Give me the keys…” She said to the guard who was guarding the Heavy.
The guard didn’t even hesitate as she snatched the keys from his belt and undid the Heavy’s restraints.
“Why don’t you and I go upstairs for some fun-“
Just then the main castle doors flew open to reveal a heaving Nord screaming, “Dragon!”
At that instance all hell broke loose, the Jarl got up from his seat and went upstairs to his room like a pussy, while the rest of the guards charged outside screaming, “For Skyrim!”
The Heavy didn’t know what it was, but he hoped there were sandviches there and followed.
The Jarl’s whore like mother grabbed the Heavy’s wrists and stared at him in the eyes and questioned him with, “Why do you want to do this?” She said pleading for him to stay.
The Heavy stared at the garment wearing women and said just one word…
“Sandvich”
And with that last word, the mother of the Jarl nodded and released her grip, allowing the Heavy to proceed outside to face the dragon.
When the Heavy stepped outside the battle was ragging through the night. There was a flying creature in the sky and he looked him in awe, but then he started to scream “Pootis!” As he sprinted down the stony stairs and toward the main part of town.
“My gods…” A Nord said as he raised up his shield and the dragon stared at him.
“The legends are true! The dragons are back!”
The dragon drew fire from its mouth and fucking barbequed the fucking guard creating the fresh smell of bacon!
The dragon settled himself down in the middle of the town and drew another burst of flames against a group of idiotic Nords who just can’t do shit. But it was blocking the way of the Hoovy who wanted to explore more of the town to find a Sandvich.
The dragon stared at the heavy with its dark bead like eyes and snarled. The dragon breathed in the cool night air and created another roaring stream of fire. But the Heavy easily blocked the attack with his excessive “Pootis, pootis, pootis, pootis” Shout.
The dragon stopped and started to fall back, crashing against a few buildings as it did so. This was the Heavy’s chance; the dragon was caught off guard and probably had the sandvich. As he called upon all the nine classes which were the Scout, Soldier, Pyro, Demoman, Heavy, Engineer, Sniper, Medic, and Spy, he forced a new language to be formed.
He got into his cowboy stance and grinned. Feeling the power now forming into his stomach, he sucked in a big breath of air and shot a hand out with the form of a gun. And as he did he shouted these three words, “Poo-Tis Pow!”
The Heavy sent the dragon flying away, through space, and time. The Heavy smiled but then realized that he fucked up because the dragon had the sandvich. So the Heavy didn’t notice the cheers of all the people around him but instead of cheering he entered the ‘Bannered Mare’ and sulked as he only wanted a sandvich.
“Life’s fucked up” Said a stranger next to the Heavy as the a warm firing slowly burned behind them.
The Stranger took a swig of some kind of liquid and munched on some meat.
The Heavy stared at the stranger and he only said one word, “Sandvich.”
The stranger seemed to know what the Heavy was saying, and while all the people of White Run cheered, the heart of their hero was dying as slowly like a pig in a fire.
[[]]
The hero of Skyrim was advancing toward the next land that was even more filled with ponies. With his new dragon army nothing stood in his way. He captured the glowing pony whose name was Princess Celestia and imprisoned her in a dungeon where he can do whatever he wanted to the Princess. He also took captive of a new Princess known as Princess Luna and with a few bribes, Luna was used as a slave and continued to dust the new Royal Castled which was now named, “Mead Seed”.
The Dragon Born slapped his dragon in the ass as they soared through the setting evening sky destroying cities and forests, killing all the little creatures and only sparing the ponies. He took over New Mane City in less than an hour and continued to rampage the world of Equestria as he was now claimed king of the world. The only things in the world now were ponies and nothing more. He was the kind and he liked it! Next time on the segment of the Dragon Born you will see him as he slaps the ponies faces and yells “Do I need to smack a filly!”
“Oh my gosh he can talk!? Oh my Celestia how and why!? What will the Dragon Born do to Celestia as she’s stuck chained up to a wall in the dungeon!? Stay tuned for there is a lot more in store! The Dragon Born is now Dragon Porn-“
The Dragon Born crashed through the door as the writing was typing his last final sentences before he was going to end the story. He stared at the Dragon Born with sweat coming off his face at brilliant speed.
“What the fuck man!?” The Dragon Born said as he stared at the author with pissed off eyes.
“What?” The author said (Also known as CookiesOnFridays)
The Dragon Born took out his long ass sword and looked at Cookies as if he was a fucking retard, “You made my part of the story end so short! What the fuck man-“
“Hey, hey, hey, chill Dragon Born buddy!” Cookies said as he shifted his chair nervously, “I’m going through some stuff okay? I got high school and I’m in the JROTC. I’m also in different honor’s programs so can you just give me some space-“
“Fuck yo school nigga!” The Dragon Born said as he sliced Cookies computer in half.
Cookies looked at him with shock, “What the hell man!? That was my Alien-“
“Save yo shit!”
And with that the Dragon Born broke the forth wall, killed CookiesOnFridays with his ‘Fus Ro Dah’ and ended his life.
The Dragon Born returned to Ponyville where he lived happily ever after and ruled with all his might… Until the dragons have rebelled that is…
(Authors Note- I got a headache at the ending and I want this to be released by Election Day so I’m just typing what were I wanted. It was a herp and a derp! The Team Fortress 2 scene took me a while to think up. But it was fun! This chapter wasn’t as random as I would’ve hoped. I actually ‘Tried’ to make this which interferes with the ‘DERP’ theme of the story. So I guess I have to stop trying. Next chapter will have explosions and more herps! I hope you all have a good day and I want all you people to click like and comment on the stuff below… Or else the Dragon Born will come and kill you! *Laughs evilly and farts creating the sound of pooting as I fly all the way to the sky*)
