Twilight Sparkle, a Paladin of Celestia, wakes up alone in the underground world of monsters, her soul stolen by a demon. Now to survive in this world ruled by violence, she'll need to rely on that very same demon: the fallen Paladin, Sunset Shimmer.
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I'm sure you're a very sexy twig.
Uh huh.
OK, yeah. How?
You didn't think this through. of course not.
Hm...
Having went back and re read most of this, I'm starting to see this more like a porn that has had the actual sex scenes cut out but keeps in the immediate before and after and the connecting build up for each sex scene. Problem is that just like porn, the actual plot seems to take a back seat to having sexy scenes, and I don't mean this in that it takes up most the writing, but rather that I feel like the only reason we have some chapters is to have a sexy moment between two characters rather than moving the plot forward. Much of the information we do get could have been given in previous chapters or even skipped as they had been said before if not in the same terms. And also much like a porn fic, we get segmented scenes that give very little at any given time, constantly jumping between locations and character and disrupting the flow of each other. I know that they will converge at some point, but until then we will jump all over the place which tends to cause me to forget the little details and so I lose nuance. This could have probably been better served as focusing on Sunset/Twilight (with maybe a chapter or two of Rarity's perspective) and the occasional Rainbow/Fluttershy/Pinkie arc update to give us an idea of what is happening in the inner circle. I picked up the story cause I'm a sucker for Sunset stories and the premise seemed interesting, but we're 80k+ words in and we still know very little and made even less progress in regards to characters going anywhere. I still like the premise but not sure I want to wait out the 200k+ words it will take before things start to kick off.
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hmmm as much as i hate to admit it, i think this criticism has alot of merit. i will attempt to justify myself, if only to get my own thoughts sorted out.
so first i'll fully admit i care much more about characterization and character interaction than i do about plot, and alot of the sexy scenes are less for the sake of just being sexy and more just to show the dynamics of these characters, and they're sexy cuz making those character interactions sexy is as easy as it is fun to write.
that said, i do think the decompressed pacing is more fitting for a story like my other fic azure edge, which doesn't have quite as concrete and forward-moving a plot as sunlight does. the character interaction scenes can feel less like a comfortable break from the plot to show these characters just being characters, and more like a waste of time as we're forced to wait for the plot to progress, and i didn't consider that while working on these early chapters.
as for the jumping around, yeah in retrospect i feel like i definitely should have waited to introduce the rainbow\flutters\pinkie stuff until later. i jumped the gun on that for sure, especially since both circles' arcs are themselves split into two different story arcs each. it's unfortunately a little late for me to course correct on that, so hopefully i can give each storyline enough care and attention every week, and then bring them both to a satisfying payoff.
anyhoo, i hope u do stick with it, and that i can make something that u can enjoy! it is a very slow burn by design, but my hope is that the strength of the characterization and the slowly building momentum of the plot can keep ppl engaged. thank u for taking the time to write out this critique, i genuinely appreciate it.