Not a bad beginning at all my friend. The first thing that I noticed could have used a little work was how quickly Mirage, aka "Mia", got over what was most likely a concussion. I have had a few, she exhibited the symptoms. I felt like you could have drawn it out a bit more with that. Had her stumble a bit in the shower, stuff like that. Your stories always seem to go by really fast to me. I would like to see a bit more detail put into them to draw them out a bit more. You know I am going to continue reading.
FIRST!!
ORGASMIC!!!!!
not bad not bad at all
This has the makings of a great story
Sup Blackfire :P anyway unless you want me to I won't critique this one but I'm still probably gonna comment just give the word
Not a bad beginning at all my friend. The first thing that I noticed could have used a little work was how quickly Mirage, aka "Mia", got over what was most likely a concussion. I have had a few, she exhibited the symptoms. I felt like you could have drawn it out a bit more with that. Had her stumble a bit in the shower, stuff like that. Your stories always seem to go by really fast to me. I would like to see a bit more detail put into them to draw them out a bit more. You know I am going to continue reading.