When Twilight starts promoting her studies of a distant culture known as 'Pet Culture', some ponies in Ponyville start to take an interest. Ponies like Rarity, who's got her eye on a Pet Sweetie Belle - even if Sweetie Belle herself isn't so sure.
Alright, so here's the thing that's irritating me; it's obvious that you're self inserting into Sweety.
It's obvious because, rather then spend effort giving Rarity any sort of motivation you just had her vaguely muttering about...Give me a second to find exactly what it was..."ungrateful foals", "that attitude", "Little fillies like you aren’t supposed to be doing things like this on your own!”, "I wanted us to reach an agreement like civilized ponies." and (and this one here is my favorate in how pitiful it is) "the way things are meant to be between siblings now.".
It almost seems like she's just going through the motions because she thinks she should? Because she isn't making any choices about her actions? Like she was being told what the situation was, and how to react to it, and what those reactions should be if she was doing it right, and she was sort of just going along with it along with it; not even becasue it was getting her what she wanted, but becasue it was the course of action she was set to commit/belief she was set to opperate under to by default.
I don't know why you couldn't think of anything better; maybe you were just unable to bring yourself to get out of the mindstate of the other charactor? Becasue you can't grok what makes people want another sculpted to be a instrument/vessel of their intended beliefs and desires? Theories; tangents; moving on.
My point being that there just doesn't seem to be any realistic motivation behind the change of conditions your charactors seem to be instigating/experiencing, which makes it difficult to immerse ones self into for anyone who knows even mearly the basics of even just contract theory, much less any of the more intensive studies of motivations, decision making, prioritization, and power dynamics.
Other then that this seems like a well writen story with well writen charactors and experiences, a well put together setting, and a premise with lots of potential, so i should hope that you find yourself improving in this aspect of your ability as a writer so that i would be more able to enjoy the product of your efforts.
Alright, so here's the thing that's irritating me; it's obvious that you're self inserting into Sweety.
It's obvious because, rather then spend effort giving Rarity any sort of motivation you just had her vaguely muttering about...Give me a second to find exactly what it was..."ungrateful foals", "that attitude", "Little fillies like you aren’t supposed to be doing things like this on your own!”, "I wanted us to reach an agreement like civilized ponies." and (and this one here is my favorate in how pitiful it is) "the way things are meant to be between siblings now.".
It almost seems like she's just going through the motions because she thinks she should? Because she isn't making any choices about her actions? Like she was being told what the situation was, and how to react to it, and what those reactions should be if she was doing it right, and she was sort of just going along with it along with it; not even becasue it was getting her what she wanted, but becasue it was the course of action she was set to commit/belief she was set to opperate under to by default.
I don't know why you couldn't think of anything better; maybe you were just unable to bring yourself to get out of the mindstate of the other charactor? Becasue you can't grok what makes people want another sculpted to be a instrument/vessel of their intended beliefs and desires? Theories; tangents; moving on.
My point being that there just doesn't seem to be any realistic motivation behind the change of conditions your charactors seem to be instigating/experiencing, which makes it difficult to immerse ones self into for anyone who knows even mearly the basics of even just contract theory, much less any of the more intensive studies of motivations, decision making, prioritization, and power dynamics.
Other then that this seems like a well writen story with well writen charactors and experiences, a well put together setting, and a premise with lots of potential, so i should hope that you find yourself improving in this aspect of your ability as a writer so that i would be more able to enjoy the product of your efforts.
Well then, up to the playdate!
I wonder what kind of games they will play...
9208043
Or maybe it's just a smut fic for the sake of smut where Rarity doesn't really need a reason?
Either way,
/r/iamverysmart
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>Rarity
>post mentions self inserting onto Sweetie
Do you even read?