Washout For Your Feelings

by Beakwood

Heartfelt Fears

"Mateh, where ya been?! Ah been sittin' mah hindah for ages heah. Ya done plottin' out at yer coltfriend?"

Lightning Dust let out a long suffering sigh, her mood wasn't so bad until Rolling Thunder decided to get under her skin. What should've been a rather simple last debrief before an ending season performance, suddenly started to change into one of the hardest days in her life.

The turquoise mare returned her partner's accusatory glare, she felt her jaw stiffening in an attempt to hold back the huge amount of profanities that threatened to explode from her mouth. She wished nothing more than to tell them to fuck off already.

It wouldn't be the first time Lightning seriously considered breaking apart from this team, while managing a bunch of suicidal flaks wasn't thrilling nor easy, she couldn't exactly just quit out on them for the sake of some peace of mind. She liked them just as she hated them at times. They weren't something she would call family, but it was close enough.

"Does it fucking matter?Kickers just do this, I really don't wanna hear anything until the show's over. Is that good enough for ya?!"

Rolling's eyes widened at the harsh retort. She expected Lightning to be annoyed but not to vent at her so intensely. She felt a tinge of concern for her colleague, watching the furious mare strap her safety helmet with unnecessary strenght.

The sidneigh pegasus shared an awkward glance with her shorty tempered partner, but the red maelstrom of well known fury returned her attention with an oddly quiet chuckle.

"Ah have no idea what ya up to. I ain't gonna fuss yer life if ya don' wanna. Ah still think we should talk it out before it gets to yer head."

Lightning paused on her abrupt movements. The fact that Rolling Thunder talked so clearly to her was the sign of how serious things were getting between the group members.

Dust lifted her helmet visor, her eyes focusing at her teammates. She took note of how off they seemed while looking at her. Nor angry or sassy as she would've expected.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"But y-

"It's showtime, just get on with it." Lightning cut off before pushing down the visor, she exploded dust into the air around her with furious wing flaps, exiting the barrack with unbelievable speed.

Rolling and Shorty shared one last worried glance before following after the daredevil.

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"What do you mean he's gone?!"

Cloud Kicker narrowed her eyes, not really taking well the manner Lightning demanded answers from her. The blonde glared in silence for few seconds as a warning.

Lightning, with a great amount of annoyance, nodded at the silent reprimand. She wouldn't apologize for being rude though, she was too distressed at the time to bother.

For unknown reasons to anypony that cared to know, Thunderlane, after the Washouts finished their remarkable acrobatic performances, bolted from the arena in a hurry.

Perhaps 'hurry' was a mediocre description of the event, at least in Lightning's opinion. If anything, Thunderlane's exit shook everypony's ear drums with a fierce sound wave that resonated across the entire town, scaring a great amount of ponies as a result.

Nopony had any idea of what just happened, and while Rolling Thunder kept telling her to not worry about it, Lightning couldn't help the sinking feeling in her chest after witnessing what just transpired.

"Heya, Dust! We gotta autographing stuff to do!" Rolling called her out, indicating the long line of ponies forming near the barracks.

"Go ahead without me, and get that ankle sorted out." Lightning replied, cutting a quick glance at Rolling's recent injury.

It was going to be a huge problem to keep up their presentations with one less member, but Dust rather take two than risk Rolling getting worse without need. There was nothing at stake here so she saw no need to push it.

Dust sighed before returning her attention back to Cloud Kicker, this Ponyville stop was given her more headaches than all the other previous shows combined.

Seeing that Lightning wasn't going to join Rolling gave up on waiting and went after Shorty. Her little companion wasn't very good at dealing with crowds by himself and leaving him be all alone with so many ponies was far from being prudent.

"Any idea of what just happened? I don't think that's normal." Lightning asked. Cloud Kicker bit her lip, seemingly hesitant for a second.

"I...don't really think it's right for me to say it, but..." The blonde stared apprehensively at the Washout captain. "...can we keep this between us?"

Lightning's worry increased at this request for secrecy. Surely whatever was going on with Thunderlane couldn't be this bad.

"Sure. I don't go spoiling others businesses for the sake of it, and surely wouldn't do that with Thunder." Lightning replied confidently.

"....lane."

"Huh?" Cloud Kicker giggled.

"You said Thunder but without the lane. It's kinda cute. Huh, Lightning and Thunder..." The blonde pondered for a second, poking her jaw lightly with a hoof. "This kinda reminds me of that weather joke we have about-

"Is this really the time?!" Lightning asked, incredulous at how easy the other mare deviated from the issue at hoof.

"Sorry." Kicker apologized, looking briefly ashamed before resuming her previous conversation. "So, the thing with Thunder...lane," Lightning rolled her eyes. "He kinda had a panic attack."

"Wait, what?!" Lightning stared in disbelief at her, unsure if she could trust Kicker's explanation to be accurate. "That was a panic attack? And you said kinda?"

"Ehhm, yeah. That's the most likely thing that happened. Though I never saw it being this bad."

"So it happened before." Lightning said, realizing that there was some solid base to Kicker's guessing. "And how many times?"

"Well, it only happened few times. And in all of them it involved Rumble somehow. The last time Rumble went missing after Rain-aawwnn, there was an accident at the Weather Factory and the whole town was covered in snow. Thunderlane freaked out so bad we had to take him to the hospital, but only after we found Rumble of course."

Lightning decided to ignore Kicker's poor attempt at concealing her near slip of tongue. Yet, she couldn't see why Thunderlane could've freaked out since Rumble has been at his side during the entire show.

She voiced her thoughts to Kicker, the blonde seemed stupefied at Dust's cluelessness.

"Girl, are you serious? How can you-

Kicker paused, realizing that she was getting loud without reason. She took a deep breath before thinking things more throughly.

"How much he told you?" Kicker asked, her voice coming out nearly as a whisper.

"Told me...of what?" Lightning replied, confused at what she might be failing to understand.

The blonde mare glanced at the sides, the majority of ponies were far away at the barracks, a gigantic line forming all the way to town center. Once she was assured they were out of earshot, Kicker ruffled her feathers to alleviate the discomfort of the dirt accumulated from all the dust that Thunderlane's departure caused.

"How much he told you about his family?"

'Crap' Was Lightning's first thought. 'Are we really going down this road?'

"Enough, I think. It's not something he talks it often anyway." Lightning replied, hoping that she sounded mindful enough in regards to Thunderlane's parents. Cloud Kicker nodded.

"The thing is....he was really young when it happened and..." Kicker winced for a second, she did not like talking this out to anypony, not that she usually do."...he saw it happen too."

"Oh." Was all Lightning could say in response. "He....yeah, that is...huh, fucked."

"That's it? That's all you have to say?" Kicker asked, somewhat surprised and undignified.

"Well, what the fuck do you want me to do then?" Dust replied, frustrated with the blonde and herself. "I can't say I relate or understand his pain! I didn't have parents to start with! I can't fake that I share whatever his feeling and crying won't make it any different or better!What did you expect? I can tell it sucks! I don't want him to be sad or upset, but rather than help me to understand you are just expecting me to share feelings and shit! I'm not like that!"

"Do you even love him Dust? Or are just pretending?!" Kicker retorted angrily.

"Yes! No! Fuck! I don't know! Okay?! I...I don't know what love is like..." She admitted, feeling her frustration bleed away into despair.

Cloud Kicker, once seeing how unsure and confused Lightning was, felt more at ease in regards to her stallion friend. Perhaps Lightning was being genuine about her feelings towards Thunderlane, she just didn't understand them yet.

The purple mare couldn't deny how skeptical she has been ever since Thunderlane told her about the daredevil. Years of effort trying keep the problematic mares away from him, and the mohawk dork picked the most dangerous of all!

Kicker had no doubts their relationship was bound to fail from the start, but maybe that's because she haven't listen to Lightning's side of the story yet. Accusing her of playing with his feelings wasn't going to help matters at all.

Yet, she wasn't expecting for Lightning to be so dense, the unbelievable stunt she pulled earlier was enough to shock anypony.

"When you went flying through the pointy metal thing." Kicker started, but Dust quickly called her out on the vague description.

"You mean the Crushinator?" Lightning asked with a sheepish smile on her face.

"Huh, lovely name. Did you actually got caught by it? We saw your feathers float all over the place after...you know."

"Nah, that's just for a dramatic effect. Pretty cool, huh?" Lightning asked, looking smug all of sudden. Kicker glared at her for a second before taking in a deep breath, struggling to keep her temper in check.

"Gosh, you're just as frustrating as Rainbow." Kicker muttered under her breath, looking away for a moment before returning her attention back to the current source of her emotional distress. "Lightning, did you really think this was a good idea?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Well, it's dangerous to perform this kind of stunts. If something goes wrong it might-

"Oh, really?! I'm tired of listening ponies saying we gonna get permanently grounded doing this, it's so irritating!" Lightning complained, tapping the ground with her hoof angrily. "I had enough of it with Spitfire giving me crap for weeks about my safety, like I would care what she says. I designed all of this! I tested it enough times to know the limit! I ain't gonna risk Rolling and Shorty's lifes or careers for the sake of looking the greatest team ever! Fuck! I'm not a fucking sociopath!"

Lightning's voice had gotten so loud that some ponies back at the autograph line were looking their way.

"Wow, easy Lightning." Kicker calmly requested, raising her hooves slightly. "I'm not saying you're any of those things."

"Yeah, you're not, but ponies talk." Dust replied after a moment of silence, realizing that her temper was getting the better of her. "I know what they say about me. No big surprise there. I'm the one who nearly killed the Elements, something like that does wonders to your career and public view."

Cloud Kicker wasn't sure how to respond to that so she changed the subject right away.

"Still, you do understand where I coming from, right? Thunderlane-

"I need to talk with him, I get it." Lightning was beyond impatient at this point. "I'll go after him, but I can't make any promises. Don't gimme that look! I do care! Just...this is very new to me, I worry that I might screw up."

"Huh, why don't you ask for advice from a....ehm, me?" Kicker suggested, quickly correcting herself on a poor assumption. She couldn't really be certain that any of Lightning's few friends were, in any sense, romantic.

"You?" Dust raised an eyebrow, but her expression was thoughtful. "I guess? I mean, I barely known you, but..."

"But being friends with Thunderlane might give you some better insight to his feelings and reactions that will occur during your relationship?" Lightning couldn't help but chuckle at Kicker's reasoning.

"Yeah, all that stuff." She said before frowning due recent thoughts. "I gotta go after him. Any clue were he went?"

"Try the plaza, it's very unlikely he would go to his house. He can be a bit claustrophobic during panic attacks. The more room to move, the less suffocated he will feel." Lightning's eyes widened in surprise.

"Damn, I gotta do a lot of catch up. Guess we still have a long way to learn more about the other."

Cloud Kicker couldn't help the silly smile on her face. She wouldn't tell Lightning but having somepony else that genuinely cared for her friend would mean a lot, especially after so many months the blonde spent debating whether she should step up to the marefriend spot herself or not.

Lightning, who took Kicker's weird smile as a sign of lewd things she didn't want to discuss, slowly turned around and opened her wings for take off.

"Oh, by the way Dust!" Kicker called, delaying the Washout's departure.

"Yeah?" Lightning asked, hoping Kicker wouldn't take much more of her time.

"As soon you find him, do yourself a favor and take that helmet off. I had to talk with you all this time while you were using it. It's weird and makes your voice sound like you're eating a sponge."

Lightning coughed, yet it was undeniable the attempt at hiding a laugh.

"Will do. See ya soon, Kicks."

Lightning took off in the blink of an eye, leaving a surprised and annoyed mare in the wake of her cloud dust.

"Urgh, as if I hadn't enough dirt on my wings." She complained with herself before trotting towards the autograph line. "Might just get something out of this while I'm here."

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"How about ice cream? Banana flavoured?"

"Just go away....and why banana?"

"Well, you kinda swing the other way, so...."

An agonizing groan followed after that particular suggestive phrasing. Thunderlane didn't even bother looking her way, the annoying mare has been driving him nuts even since he chose this particular spot to vent his problems away. He couldn't believe his luck.

After all, it wasn't every day that Starlight Glimmer would care to talk with him.

"Or...maybe not?" Starlight said hesitantly, worried she got things really wrong. She barely knew anything about the stallion other than him being a Wonderbolt. The few she knows was nothing but gossips from other mares, and the majority of things they said were mostly about his appearance or what kind of stallions he was into.

"Listen, huh, Starlight, right?"

"Yep, that's me!' She replied, a nervous smile on her face. 'Urgh, he's probably about to give me an earful about the coltcuddler thing.'

"Can you, like, just stop asking me stuff? I really just had a bad time and I'm not in the mood to talk with anypony. Can this whole friendship thing wait for another time?"

The unicorn mare seemed confused by his need for loneliness.

"But, wouldn't you kinda need a friend to help you out?" She asked, hoping to get through his stubbornness. Thunderlane huffed.

"Probably, but you ain't a friend of mine. Get lost."

Starlight stood mouth agape at the brutal rebuttal. Her opinion of this stallion just dropped quite a few miles. Yet, she couldn't go around chastising him without understanding what had him in such a bad mood.

She glanced around awkwardly. The plaza was empty with the exception of a couple of ponies cuddling on a bench far away. The sight of the couple made Starlight wonder if Thunderlane was suffering from a heartbreak

'Huh , and I thought the ponies at school had annoying issues.'

"Okay, so let me guess." Starlight started, her voice caught Thunderlane's attention unexpectedly. "You got that pony you knew since young and admired so much, then one day they were gone and you felt as your life crumbled around you, losing all hope and faith you once had of accomplishments. But then you talked yourself out of it and decided it didn't matter, that you didn't need them to acknowledge your existence. But then years went by and you've become this really degenerate shadow of yourself a-

"What the hay are you talking about?" Thunderlane interrupted, looking at the mare as if she was going crazy.

"Oh! Huh, nothing. I was just...thinking outloud." Starlight quickly responded, a sheepish smile on her face as she averted her eyes away from his.

Before the stallion could say anything the sound of crackling electricity exploded near them. The noise made both ponies jump for a second but, while Starlight was perplexed at seeing what caused the commotion, Thunderlane merely frowned and stared away from the newcomer.

"Ops, I think I overdid it." Lightning Dust said after removing the safety helmet and placing it on her back. She lightly acknowledged the couple a few meters away shouting angrily at her for the huge scare her arrival caused. "Sorry! I kinda had to rush, my bad!"

Starlight couldn't help but chuckle at this particular scene, it reminded her of that time Rainbow flew around Ponyville in a desperate search for her missing pet. She also couldn't blame the couple for being upset, Lightning's landing left burn marks on the ground around her. It did felt extremely over the top.

"So what brings you here, huh.... " Starlight asked hesitantly, hoping for a name right off the bat.

"Name's Lightning Dust, and ya?"

"Oh! My name's Starlight Glimmer! And wha-

"Kay, cool, now can ya gimme a sec? I need to talk with him." Dust interrupted, indicating with a hoof the stallion laying miserably behind the unicorn mare.

Starlight was taken aback by the clear dismissal, why ponies were being so neglectful of her all of sudden?

"Oh, huh, sure! No problem! I will, err, trot my merry way and n-

"Kay, cya then." Lightning replied as she passed by Starlight, who seemed completely shocked at being treated like a nopony.

'I guess too much time around Twilight and Trixie is giving me a different sense of things.' Starlight thought as she watched the other mare approach the stallion with a worried expression on her face.

Only then Starlight took notice of the uniform the mare is wearing. Her eyes widened in suprise and recognition.

'A Washout? But isn't Thunderlane in the Wonderbolts? Celestia knows how much I had to hear Rainbow moaning her problems about the Washouts and Scootaloo in the school reunion last night.'

Normally Starlight would leave them alone for their own troubles, but she couldn't help that this perhaps was something she needed to learn more about.

That and she wanted to hear good reasons for being so poorly treated by these two.

As soon Lightning kinda moved into Thunderlane's field of view, without making a sound or movement, Starlight casted an invisibility spell over herself. It was a good thing they were willing to ignore her, otherwise her sudden disappearance would've raised many questions.

Questions that Starlight was too worried that could reach Twilight's ears.

She watched as Lightning Dust attempted to start a conversation but, for the majority of her attempts, she fell into hesitancy and awkwardness.

Thunderlane was hardly even looking at her, at times he glanced briefly before looking away, as if he was afraid of making eye contact.

They spent minutes just doing this weirdness, to the point Starlight was starting to get annoyed with it. After few seconds of Starlight debating with herself about leaving, Lightning finally found strength within herself to speak.

"I'm...sorry. I....I forgot. "

Starlight had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but the stallion finally gave her his full attention, though his expression was hard to decipher.

"Was that meant to happen?"

He sounded so weird as he spoke, as if he was trying to swallow a particularly ginormous cupcake.

"Y-yeah, I mean...it was part of the show. " Lightning stuttered for a moment, much to her own frustration. "I should've told you. I...look, I'm really sorry. It won't hape-

"NO!"

Thunderlane's shout caught both mares, and the couple nearby, completely by surprise.

"Don't say it won't happen again! That's complete bullshit! And you know it well as I do!"

"What?!" Lightning felt indignation flare up at her chest. "You don't believe me?!"

Starlight was starting to regret staying around.

"This isn't about trust Dust! It's your life being at the edge every time you run through these Tartarus looking things!" Thunderlane was on edge of desperation, making several motions with both wing and hooves. "Do you really you think yourself invincible? It never ran throught your head that something will go wrong someday?!"

"Of course it did! You think I don't care?! You think I don't give a fuck about getting hurt?! How many times I will have to say that?! It's my job Thunder! Not as peasy as being a Wonderbolt, you know I tried, but fuck Spitfire and her bullshit! And fuck Rainbow and her friends!"

'Say what now?!' Starlight thought, alarmed at this mare's angst.

"Why you insist on this?! You really think you can live like this for much longer?!" Thunderlane asked and Starlight couldn't help but pity the state of despair he was in. "You saw what happened with Rolling Thunder, she got lucky she didn't lose her leg! What's next? A tail? A wing? A head?! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS IS THE ONLY WAY?

"What else then, Thunderlane?! I rather take my chances than living on the street, I'm not going back to that life again!"

Judging by the stallion's hesitation, this was something she never told him before. He tried to calm himself, he could feel the panic in his chest barely at bay.

"I don't see myself being a Wonderbolt for much longer." He said with a pained expression. "I wish, but...I thought that once I became a Wonderbolt I would be happier, and I was, for the first few weeks. Things weren't that great much after and life felt so hollow all of sudden. I just...wasn't sure what to do anymore."

Thunderlane clearly wasn't the only one learning new things, if Lightning's surprised face was anything to go by.

"But then we met again." He couldn't help the grin on his face, something that floored all of Lightning's current anger and dissapointment. "It was like waking up from a dream, but I couldn't tell if it was real or not. You and me, heh. Many ponies would never believe it."

He sighed heavily, like the weight of the world was being lifted from his back, and his eyes fixated on hers, a brightness she rarely saw permeating his golden irises.

"I spent quite some time wondering to myself but, after what happened today, I'm finally sure of how I feel."

Lightning didn't say anything, her fear of him giving up on her grabbed her mind irrationally all of sudden. She felt the desperate need of saying something, but her throat had tighten due her emotional distress.

"I...I do love you."

Lightning blinked.

'Did he just...'

"And....the thought of seeing you...die scares me too much." His lips quivered for a second. The brightness of his eyes increased as they watered. "I saw mom and dad die. I don't want to see you die too. "

Author's Note:

Comments

[Scholarly-Cimmerian]

Good work with this chapter. I liked the joke towards the end of the scene with Lightning and Cloud Kicker, that was an unexpected discovery that Lightning had her helmet on the whole time there but it was a funny discovery XD

And also, the conclusion of this was appropriately dramatic. Oh, Thunderlane… well, now he's out and said it. Now let's see how THIS affects Lightning and what her response will be...